Is it possible to get a restraining order on someone sexually harassing a minor?

[Connonym]

My ex's brother keeps saying totally inappropriate things to my daughter about her development and he's making her increasingly uncomfortable in his presence. The only physical thing he's done is snap her bra strap. For some reason ex seems to feel intimidated and won't confront his brother. She's really upset by it and I don't know how to proceed next. Any ideas?

[mopinko]

1. ask the court to revise her visitation.

if ex wont stick up for her, maybe he shouldn't be able to take her.

[philosophie_en_rose]

2. I'm not sure, but here's a link.

http://www.womenslaw.org/WI/WI_how_to.htm#18

[SPKrazy]

3. child protective services

he's sexually harassing her, and in a sense abusing her emotionally and verbally being inappropriate.

that kind of thing is also a precursor to acting on that kind of things for some.

I'd call the police or the child abuse hotline and report it.

I'd keep him the hell away from her if possible too.

and get a restraining order if you need it.

:hi:

[JVS]

4. Why not just see if the ex will refrain from inviting the brother to be around during...

visitation? If he's intimidated by him, he probably would prefer not to see him either. Or do they live together or something

[Connonym]

8. the brother lives with their parents

and they have dinner with them every other Saturday. I understand my ex's hesitation to make a scene, his dad is dying and I'm sure he's worried about upsetting him but goddamnit his daughter should be the top priority.

I still regularly smack myself on the head and wonder why the hell I married this guy.

[JVS]

9. Well then just tell him that your daughter won't be going to those dinners

I doubt that a restraining order would make it so that he has to leave his own home.

[davsand]

5. I dunno about LEGAL methods but I do think he could be told to STFU.

If it was my daughter I could give a crap who it was doing that to her--especially if it was an EX in law. I'd probably be taking my Louisville Slugger over to his house and having a "chat" with him about it. Just snapping her bra strap would be enough for me--especially if this guy is out of his teens.

Not that I'm saying it is right--I'm just saying...


Laura

[ThomCat]

6. Please trust your daughter's insticts on this

and find a way to insist that your daughter is never to be alone with that man, and even better, he is not to come over when she's there.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

22. seconded.

[Writer]

7. I would talk to them directly...

set up a meeting with your ex and his brother - without your daughter. Spell out very clearly what has happened and how it's not acceptable to you or your daughter. Set the rules. You're the mom. Tell them where your boundaries are.

[Orsino]

18. And find out what the ex and ex-in-laws will agree to do...

...emphasizing that insufficient action means a call to child protection services. The father's and grandparents' rights must be contingent upon their taking minimum safety measures.

The other post recommending a STFU might be the simplest and fastest solution, but it would require careful monitoring afterward.

[PaddyBlueEyes]

10. It sure is

Its called harassment, and in NY we define it by basically anything someone does to someone else, that conveys "annoyance or alarm"...

[mentalsolstice]

11. Was your BiL ever in the same household as your daughter?

Did he ever sleep and eat in the same household? If so, you would have a better opportunity to cut him off via your state's domestic violence laws.

[idgiehkt]

12. interesting reaction from the ex

makes me think there might be childhood history between the two of them concerning the same subject matter; still and all it's odd that someone would turn a blind eye to the fact that someone is testing the waters to eventually maybe sexually victimize their own child. I think you should call your state's legal aid org. and talk to an attorney so that you don't make any misteps along the way in getting something done about this. The bra-strap thing is an assault; you might be able to press some kind of charges or do something legal (file a report with the police, or whatever) just to let him know you are dead serious about his keeping his hands off your child. The father should tell him to keep his trap shut; I can't understand why he doesn't except that he is afraid of the brother, but his child's emotional and psychological well-being should override that and the fact that it isn't makes me suspicious more is going on here...in my experience the main reason that people pretend not to see abuse like this going on is because it is a coping mechanism they picked up in the past where they had to deny other unpleasant things that they had no control over. Someone needs to impress upon the father (or co-guardian) that he is in fact in control of this situation and needs to act, and that it is a dereliction of his duties as a parent not to do so...in essence he is betraying his child.

[Whoa_Nelly]

13. Stand up to him

Defend your daughter

Let him know in no uncertain terms you don't care who's boat gets rocked, she's your daughter and you will defend her.

[Yukari Yakumo]

16. I would've added...

If I ever caught him pulling any of that shit again, there's going to be a plate glass window with his name on it and a whole case of whoop-ass just for him.

[mduffy31]

14. You just tell me where he is

and I will come down and kick his ass for you.

[SeattleGirl]

15. And I'll be happy to help.

Pieces of crap like this guy deserve it.

[Connonym]

17. Appreciate the offers

I may have to take you up on it sometime. He's my ex's twin and they beat the crap out of one another as kids, I don't get why my ex hasn't kicked the shit out of him. Honestly? I think my ex is more worried about his mother's reaction and not his brother's.

[NashVegas]

19. Talk to Your Divorce Lawyer and Consider Family Counseling

If your ex won't stand up for his daughter he is sending a horrible message to her - that she's not worth defending. Threaten whatever custody he has.

If he doesn't have the balls to deal with his family on this, you and your daughter are going to have to force the issue. Has she spoken to her father about this? She needs to make it clear that she expects him to be a parent, and so do you.

If he still refuses, I'd encourage her to create a major scene the next time the BiL starts his crap. Seriously. He snaps her bra strap? She should shout at him, "stop snapping my bra," and make sure it's loud enough to hear for everyone who may not be in the room, but within earshot. "Stopping making comments about my body!" In short, he needs to be called on his shit and called loudly enough to make it clear that she will not cover for him or keep anything a secret.

Learning to force a real confrontaion on a messed up family is hard work, but worth it.

[LeftyMom]

20. What you said, but throw in the word "pervert"

as in "stop snapping my bra, you pervert!" "stop making comments about my body, you pervert!"

He needs to know that she knows he's in the wrong and willing to tell the family how it is. And her Dad needs to put his big boy pants on and back her up.

[NashVegas]

21. I Wouldn't

The important thing is to get the behavior to stop, so if you focus on their actions without directly calling that person an asshole, they have less of an excuse to get defensive about their actions.

Absolutely, the dad needs to find a spine of his own.

[Fleshdancer]

23. Trust your instincts

Your daughter shouldn't be in an environment where she feels unsafe. If you're not comfortable confronting this pervert on your own, then notify your ex that your daughter will no longer be allowed to be in the same location as his brother and you are currently researching the process of obtaining a restraining order and filing charges for sexual harassment of a minor.

Be sure to tell your ex that if he can't stand up for a defenseless girl who needs protection from perverts, then the law will be more than happy to step in and do his job for him. In the meantime, he can spend time with your daughter on your terms.

Seriously, don't ever feel guilty for being the Momma Bear. Men who prey on the young do it in steps because they want to see how much they can get away with without getting caught. There's no reason for you to think this situation will get better without any type of intervention.

:hug:

My thoughts are with you and your daughter. Good job by the way for having the kind of relationship where your daughter feels safe to come to you with this. Given the subject and person involved, it probably wasn't easy for her. Please keep us updated.

[Connonym]

24. I want to thank all of you for your responses

Part of me was afraid I was over-reacting because of my own history of being abused. I'm pretty sure my ex thinks I am over reacting. As several of you have stated, I think I need to have a serious talk with ex and my daughter together. Perhaps she hasn't impressed upon him how gross this makes her feel. If he won't agree to visit the parents only when his brother isn't there I'm going to contact the women's center in town and get guidance from them as to the next step.

Despite all this, my ex is really a good dad. He's an asshole in a lot of ways and weak but he's a devoted dad. I'm hoping that once we have a discussion that he'll understand how icky this is and will stand up to his brother.

[NashVegas]

27. You're Not Over-reacting

But I do think the brother should be directly confronted about his actions - with your daughter in the room - and give him the chance to show whether he's being a (relatively) harmless asshole or a truly threatening asshole.

Soon enough, your daughter is going to have to deal with boys her own age; she's going to have to learn to take an active role in setting her boundaries and deal with creeps head on, instead of running from them or silently putting up with things.

[Fleshdancer]

29. I think that's too much for a girl to deal with

I agree that the daughter will have to deal with boys her own age making sexual comments about her body, but confronting an adult male who also happens to be your uncle is completely different and far more intimidating. I personally think this girl has suffered enough without having to be forced into a confrontations where she will probably be told she's a liar or dismissed as being overly sensitive.

She's a child. The person causing the problems is an adult. The adult parents should be handling this.

[Arkansas Granny]

28. If anything, your own history might have made you take this more

seriously than some others might. I think you are doing the right thing and I hope you get this resolved quickly.

[RogueSpirit]

25. Depending on the state, you should be able to...

Have one served fairly easy with just minor court costs. Here is a link for some info on it in my state:

http://www.womenslaw.org/TX/TX_how_to.htm#What%20is%20a%20protective%20order?

Seriously, don't mess around here. If you have an order served and it doesn't do any good (IE: He keeps coming around) Then you may have good grounds to revisit the custody orders. I mean if your Ex cannot keep him away, or recognize the issue, then he may not have your daughters best interest in mind.

[guitar man]

26. If legal remedies fail

as they often do, contact these guys. Usually one "conversation" with the abuser is sufficient. :evilgrin:

http://www.bacausa.com/

[Jimbo S]

30. You mean you haven't kicked him in the nuts yet?

To a stranger is bad enough, but to a relative? Man, what a sicko!