People who seriously outstay their welcome - did I do the right thing?

[haele]

Long, involved story that is now turning even more uncomfortable...and I'm wondering if we're doing the right thing, because I'm a nice, giving type of person anyway - and yet, I feel as if I'm being taken advantage of...

A gay friend of the kidlet and his mom found themselves out of their apartment when it went condo - back last December. She works a clerical/LVN job that doesn't really pay squat anymore (a little over $13 an hour) along with a $250 a month student loan payment that won't take into consideration that she's a single mother with no child support (dad's in the county lockup for the next 5 years). As they were bleeding money staying in a hotel and the kidlet had a 3 week visitation with her mom and was the one who brought it up in the first place, we told them they could hang out at our 2 bedroom, 1 bath house until they got settled. Everyone figured that this would be until the middle of February, as Mom was expecting a rather large tax return and was taking a second job to pay for the store room they had to take and could save money for deposit/rent/moving et all and still have enough left over to start payment on the braces Friend needed. Rents average around $800 for decent one bedrooms, $1000 for decent 2 bedrooms, and everyone checks credit religiously, especially, unfortunately, when dealing with single parent families with a minority background.

Things were a bit stressed around the smallish house (950 sq ft) with now 5 adult people, three in one bedroom, one bathroom, a small kitchen and refrigerator, two indoor cats (one elderly and incontinent) a very stupid indoor dog, and one family computer. Apparently, Friend and Mom both have MySpace accounts and like to spend a lot of time on the computer. Which frosts the Kidlet, as she also has a very active MySpace account and lots of friends from out of state she chats with regularly. Did I mention that both kids are a very young 15, and both have emotional social issues?

February comes around. Three Apartment possibilities - including one where a deposit was actually given - which all fall through.

March - Grandma loses her job - grandma was apparently going to pay the outstanding costs for the braces - and since the covered portion of the new braces were already in Friend's mouth, Mom had to use the rest of the tax money to pay for braces. Oh, and did I mention Friend is now in Varsity Cheer? And was required to go to Cheer Camp this summer, another $400 upfront for camp and for the uniforms if he wanted to be in Varsity Cheer next year.

April - rentmate possibility with co-worker and boyfriend that had a nice, 4 bedroom house at $600 a month for two bedrooms falls through; boyfriend apparently does not want a teenager living with them. About now, "rent" to us, about $50 a month, stops coming in. "Still looking" but Mom's money is starting to hemorrhage; she quits second job because of issues with part-time hours.

May - Mom is looking (apparently not too actively) for apartment and second job. Friend is getting new clothes, from discount stores, true, and a new cell phone and plan. End of month, we - I find the place for her and take her in to look at it - find a nice large 1 bedroom apartment with a "cubby" that can be used as a second bedroom for $825. And she finds a second job. Between two paychecks, she gets through the property manager's TRW check and gives them the deposit. She promises us they'll be getting the key by the 8th after she pays rent from two more paychecks, and we offered to help her clear out her store-room, move out - and take her shopping at the commissary to stock her refrigerator and sundries inexpensively. Meantime, since the middle of May, I've been buying groceries for the entire household of 5 plus animals; saving up for the deposit, the rent, the storage, the braces, the new phone, and Cheer Camp leaves Mom with no money whatsoever.

Well, yesterday, she tells me, while I'm taking her to work on my way to work, that she doesn't have enough to pay the rent for the new place to pick up the key this week, also, the manager told her about another place that will be opening up by the end of the month that's a bit smaller, but only $700 a month...and her deposit can be used at the new place. Oh, and her "new job" isn't working out either, she's not working enough hours, unlike the first new job, so she's thinking of quitting and looking for some part-time job that will give her hours enough to pay for rent.

That's pretty much where DH sort of loses it. It's been a strain, this isn't the first time things have fallen through for them, our lease is coming up at the end of the month and we're due for an inspection - there's obviously 5 people living here and our lease does not allow for anyone other than who is on the lease. It doesn't matter if they "make themselves scarce" the day of the inspection, it's just real obvious there's 2 more people, one a boy living here. And even though they're nice people, it's gotten too much - the kids are starting to argue, the bathroom basically has a ticket dispenser on the door ("now serving, number 27, number 27, you can come in now...") I'm feeding everyone, utilities are going up, food is going up, I'm playing taxi...

We've even offered to pay the remainder of the outstanding rent for this one apartment - apparently $250 before they can move in. And offered to help them through the beginning of next week, as the key can't be picked up until Monday right now. But I think Mom now wants the cheaper apartment, sight unseen, that opens up next month, as she's claiming that they'll just "move into a hotel" until supposedly next week. At this point, the suspicions are that she doesn't have the rent, that she just split the deposit up between four paychecks, and she's now trying to save up first months rent, because of the amount of money she seems to be spending on her kid and the rest of her family.

Are we being bad? Taken advantage of? Or being responsible, caring adults?

I just need to vent, but come hell or high water, they're out of here by Monday/Tuesday.

Haele

[Redstone]

1. Christ, I'd say you've gone WAY above and beyond the call... Just apply the boot,

and NEVER let yourself get taken like that again, OK? They played you like a violin.

Redstone

[begin_within]

2. They are just going to use you as long as you allow them to. How long

do you wish to be used?

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

3. You did them a huge favor and now they're taking advantage of your kindness.

And they'll continue to do it as long as you let them. Time for them to hit the road. Maybe you can refer them to some social service agency for help, but don't relent. They are messing up your life now, and obviously they don't care about that. You aren't being mean or unfair by asking them to leave now.

[Gormy Cuss]

6. Ocelot, you are right on the money.

They have worn out their welcome and it's time for them to go.

[Bjornsdotter]

4. Above and beyond

....sheesh, talk about the things that wouldn't leave.

Cheers

[philosophie_en_rose]

5. You've done a lot for her, but she seems not to understand boundaries.

I can see that it would be better for her to have the cheaper apartment next month, but she should also look for a place in the interim. Perhaps there is another friend she can stay with for a few days or a place she can rent short term. In any case, it's up to you to be honest with her. Just tell her that you really want to help her get on her feet, but that it's really hard to split the space between so many people. She needs to do what's best for her, so the cheaper apartment is probably a good idea. However, she should also quickly look for a place to stay in the interim.

You've gone above and beyond. I can see your DH's frustration. I suspect she's clueless, rather than greedy. Or perhaps anxious but afraid to show it. Either way, it's important to take care of your family as well. Balance.

[JVS]

7. She's making you violate your lease agreement and endangering your situation

Tell her to leave. If a 2 bedroom is too expensive, she should get a 1 bedroom or a studio apartment.

[GalleryGod]

8. Squat? Better than the pay our teachers aides receive.

[haele]

9. San Diego - minimum livable wage is around that much

Between what it costs to rent a studio or even share a room, basic utilities (electric, water and waste, cell phone, no cable or internet), minimal food and sundries, laundry and transportation (even just a bus pass), one person by themselves needs to have $1300 a month to pay bills. That ends up being at least $11.50 an hour after taxes. Two people, especially if it's single parent and kid, need to have around $1600 a month just to pay the bills - and that's with the same studio or a small one-bedroom. There's just around $13 an hour.

We are talking subsistance living; one step above sharing a three-bedroom slum house with two other families and two steps above living in a tent along the easement by the riverbed - where a lot of working homeless families live because of the dangers of sharing a house if it's not "family".

We've talked, they'll be moving out with us providing about 1/3 the outstanding, she got the rest from family and co-workers this evening.

Haele

[Zoigal]

10. Good grief, haele, you are being taken for a ride

This woman needs to get a dose of reality. And her son needs to get a job to help his mom out. After school, of
course. You've given way more than your share of help. Are there some agencies for homeless folks that might be
able to accommodate her and her son temporarily?

[haele]

11. Okay, they're out Monday -

And it won't cost anyone involved anything extra; she's moving in with a co-worker that still has an extra room until she can get into that cheaper apartment next month. Everything's pretty much "still cool" - she's admitted that she promised to leave and has really been lucky we were patient while she was using the time to get herself and her kid ahead on things like braces, et all, instead of actually taking care of the basics.

Maybe we'll get paid back for time/effort in a few months (as promised), but I'm not holding my breath. Teenage boys cost a lot of unexpected money, and that's been a major problem for her; she still wants to make sure her baby has opportunities even if she might not have funds to cover them herself. The kid's supposed to be getting a work permit this summer, grades permitting.

All in all, I was in her position once - but I never bordered on abusing a friendship to the point of being reminded to leave.

Haele