How do I forgive a friend for nearly killing me? (And how do I forgive myself?)

[Bicoastal]

Like Blanche Dubois, right now I'm looking for the kindness of strangers--advice, words, anything. I am angry in a way I have never been before--quietly, deeply angry.

Last night, I called up a good friend--let's call him James--to hang out. James always like bars, so I chose one way out in Pasadena, close to where we went to school together, but rather far from where either of us live. We agreed that we'd take one car---his--and that he would be designated driver that evening.

After two beers at the Pub, he informed me we were going to another bar in another part of LA, where a friend of his was having a night out. I had 2 more drinks, but I grew concerned when he had the same. I informed him that he probably shouldn't be drinking anymore, since he was driving. He said to relax. I began to grow nervous about the whole situation, but he said to have a little condfidence in his abilities. At that point, I ordered a water.

Eventually, we drove off to a third bar, close to his apartment, where I had nothing but glasses of water. I was sobering up quickly, but James continued to socialize and drink. He was concerned I wasn't having a good time, but I refused anything else to drink. When the bar let out, the owner said to him "Man, I sure hope you aren't driving home tonight." "HE'S the designated driver," I snapped. Truth be told, this is not the first time my friend has done this--pledge to keep sober and then completely forget about it. That, however, was mostly in college--more than 3 years ago. Usually, I did the right thing--sobered up myself, then got the keys away from him and drove us both out of there.

This time--this is where I'm kicking myself--I didn't manage to do it. I just got in the passenger seat and told him "James, I really am kinda worried about you driving us back." "Dude, just close the door and let's get out of here," he answered, slurring his words. When I pressed him further, he responded, "Look, we're pretty close to my neighborhood, I can do this." And eventually, when it looked like I couldn't get the keys away from him without resorting to violence, I relented. I shouldn't have ever gotten back into his car...

Only about 5 minutes later, we came to the top of a hill and started down. James' car veered to the right, out of our lane. We were heading right towards a parked car. BAM! An airbag was in my face. Glass was in my hair. I couldn't move my foot because the car had literally collapsed around it. "You IDIOT!!" I yelled, and kept saying it over and over again. "You idiot, you idiot, you idiot!!" "Can you get out?" He said. I finally squeezed my foot out my shoe and left it there, and crawled out through the drivers side. His car was nearly totalled, and the car he hit wasn't much better. It was a nightmare--it was everything I had dreaded during other evenings with James, only now it was reality. Neither of us were hurt, although covered in cuts and bruises. No one else was injured. "I want to get back home. NOW!" I raged. "Dude," he slurred, "I think I'm about to go to jail." But he allowed me to catch a ride from a bystander, and I picked my own car and--without incident or a left shoe--drove home.

**********

Today, my whole body aches--although no broken bones, thank God. My neck has an ugly purple bruise on it from the seatbelt that probably saved me. But mostly, I just feel terribly hurt emotionally, hurt ans angry. I've known James well for the last 7 years--his irresponsibility, his careless nature, his total disregard for the effects of alcohol. But he has also been a good friend, and when I excercised caution, a SAFE friend. Now I'm not sure I can trust him ever again. I'm not even sure I want to SEE him ever again. I can't reach him by phone--he's probably in jail.

But then there's MY complicity--true, I told James about 10 times over the course of the evening to take it easy, to stop drinking, to remember that he had to drive home at some point. But I felt I was only sober enough to drive myself at the end of the evening after bar #3, even though he was designated. And at that point, I just wasn't forceful enough. I trusted him too much. He likes to be in control of situations, and I just let him do his thing. And although I'm not liable in any way (in terms of DUI OR property damage), I have a hard time believing this incident wasn't in many ways my own damn fault. I almost feel like it was me who drove drunk and crashed a car.

I need your thoughts on this matter, DU. If you have had any similar experiences, I'd sure love to hear them. Above all, how should I be feeling right now?

[mikeytherat]

1. How should you be feeling right now? Fortunate and wiser.

You learned a very valuable less - trust your instincts. Your inner voice was telling you, "This is wrong; get out of this situation." Heck, your EXTERNAL voice was saying this, too! As to "forgiveness," that's a whole 'nuther kettle of fish. You trusted someone, and they put your life in danger because of selfishness. If it were me, I'd be wrestling with that for a while.

mikey_the_rat

[Robb]

2. Bingo

You learned something pretty profound -- and the price of admission was relatively low. The same lesson could've been taught with you in traction or worse.

Count your blessings, and above all remember the way you feel right now.

[MissMillie]

5. jeez... did I just learn a lesson in "succinct" or what?

your paragraph post makes me look like I have verbal diarrhea.

[mikeytherat]

13. Verbal diarrhea? Not at all.

Your "rambling" was driven mostly by the fact that you were (are?) still a bit freaked out over the whole situation. Trust me, I know this first hand. After a bad accident while traveling cross country, I wrote a letter to a friend describing the whole thing and what a mess that letter is (he gave it back to me to keep, because it's got such a "spur-of-the-moment-freaked-out" vibe that it almost reads like Hunter S. Thompson and he knew I'd want to have it!).

And, yes, I am often succinct ("blunt" is the term used most often). If you ever want anything distilled to the basic facts, give me a call.

mikey_the_rat

[MissMillie]

3. I'm not sure I can sum up my answer in a good subject line...

First of all... thank goodness neither of you were hurt seriously. Try to remove that tidbit from the whole situation and remind yourself of it constantly.

I am so glad you're ok. I'm very glad that your friend wasn't injured.

Secondly, you have every reason to be upset that James did not hold up his end of the bargain. And this is despite the fact that you got into the car as a passenger. The fact that you made yourself a passenger does not negate the fact that he went back on his promise to be the designated driver. He was wrong to do that. He owes you an apology for that.

Thirdly, the converse is true: the fact that he broke his promise does not negate the fact that you got into that car as a passenger. You were wrong to do that. You owe it to yourself to learn from this.



It sounds to me like almost everything that could have gone wrong last night did indeed go wrong. I'm very sorry that you had such a horrible experience.

It bears repeating because I think you should keep this in mind as much as possible: I'm so glad you're ok. I'm very glad that your friend wasn't injured. Please keep reminding yourself that, at the very least, this is one thing that went right.

I think you should be feeling pretty lucky about that fact. I admit that since I'm not personally involved in this that it is easier for me to say that than it is for you do feel that way.

I think it's normal for you to be upset about your friend. And if I were you, I'd probably be more than a little upset with myself right now too. From the outside looking in, I can't honestly say that I think that either transgression is worse than the other. Your friend let you down. You let yourself down. It's hard to say which is worse.

So my suggestion is don't spend too much time being upset (with your friend or yourself). Feel upset, acknowledge it, learn from it and then remember, you were not hurt and your friend was not hurt.

Of course, it'll take some time to trust your friend again, I'm sure. Whether or not you even want to try is something only you can determine. You called him a "good friend". I guess whether or not you choose to forgive him is dependent upon how "good" of a friend he is.

I think if it were me, I would try to let a little time pass and then give my friend the opportunity to learn from his mistake.

I'm really, really glad that neither one of you was seriously hurt.

[datasuspect]

4. number one

go the hospital and get checked out.



you have no control over another person.

if it was one of my friends and he was that out of pocket, i would have laid him flat right there and poured him into the back seat.

i've only had to do that once. actually grabbing their face while pushing them back and tripping them onto the floor while saying "gimme the keys you stupid motherfucker" works too. kinda gets their attention. trust me, i'd rather have a friend crack me in the chops than get a DUI conviction on my record.

someone who is really drunk can be a handful.

[1gobluedem]

6. Thankfully, you're not badly hurt

Taking the keys from a friend is hard. I had to do it once and I thought she was going to kill me. But, I held on and once she sobered up she was grateful.

You need to have a heart to heart with this friend while the incident is still fresh. And then you need to have a heart to heart with yourself. No friendship is worth getting killed or seriously injured. While it's tough when it's happening, taking the keys is being a real friend to that person. If he can't understand that, he isn't worth knowing.

[SeattleGirl]

7. First thing that comes to my mind is thank goodness neither of you

were seriously hurt.

I would probably be feeling the same way as you, angry with my friend, and angry at myself. I never, ever drink and drive, and I won't get in a vehicle with someone who has been drinking, if they are behind the wheel. This came about years ago, when I had been out clubbing, and drove home very drunk. How I didn't get into an accident or kill myself or someone else, I'll never know. When I sobered up the next day, I has horrified at what I had done, and from that time on, never did it again. It's not worth the potential price.

As to your relationship with your friend, I do think you need to talk to him about this, AND admit your own culpability in the incident, since you chose to get into the car with him, knowing he was drunk. I have no idea how this conversation would go, or how it will turn out, but talking about it is important, I think.

If you decide to stay friends with James, perhaps in the future you could keep some money in your wallet for a cab so that you don't have to face this situation again. Either that, or you take YOUR car, and you be the designated driver.

Again, I'm glad the two of you are okay.

[Writer]

8. I really wish I had some good advice for you, Bicoastal...

I think ultimately it depends on the chat you will have with James after you've healed. I think it also depends on whether he learned from his own mistake. But don't beat yourself up for being angry or hurt - I would be too.

I've NEVER understood why any drunk person would think they're okay to drive. Why think you're okay to operate a machine when you can't see straight? I don't get it.

I did once have to force a friend not to drive herself. She was wobbling about she was so drunk. It was not a fun experience. I'm sure the next time you will make damn well sure that the person in question hands over the keys.

I hope you heal quickly. :hug:

Writer.

[Dora]

9. There are no Shoulds. You feel what you feel.

It's obviously safer for you if you don't repeat of what happened last night. Hang out with your friend, sure, but don't ever get into a car with him again.

Tell him your feelings. Tell him about the abuse of trust, the broken promise, etc. Don't expect him to change, especially if everyone around him is enabling his behavior.

The fact that you even got into his car could be a red flag. You knew better, but you did it anyways. Now you know not to do it again.

What a bummer. I hope you recover quickly.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

10. How forceful are you supposed to be?

Your only mistake was in getting into the car with him. It's possible that if you refused to ride with him, he would have allowed you to drive. Then again, he might not have. In a case like that, you just need to take care of yourself.

I'm glad you weren't hurt more seriously. Still, you might want to get checked by a doctor, just to make sure you didn't have some kind of spinal injury that you aren't aware of.

[KurtNYC]

11. I'm guessing that you knew he had no intention of staying sober

he planned on drinking and drinking heavily. You may be angry not so much that he lied to you but that you knew it was a lie when you heard it. In my experience, people who drink (more than a little) and drive do it all the time. Once they get in an accident, they get a bigger car so that the next they drive drunk and hit something they are more protected. But my point is that this isn't something that just happens after a couple drinks becomes a couple more. People plan on driving drunk at the beginning of the evening while they are sober or weeks in advance when they buy the big drunk driving car.

You should be feeling whatever you are feeling -- you can't argue with or force feelings to change. You may have some greiving to do -- over the death of this friendship and the idea that you can't go out drinking with this friend again. Let that happen. Grief sucks but it won't last if you just go with it and let yourself fully process this change in your life.

[Connonym]

12. always, always see a doctor after a car crash

A lot of things you don't feel right away and it will make your life smoother in the long run if you have documentation of everything right from the get go. Even if you think you're fine, go see a doctor. His auto insurance should pay for it all. People laugh at the term whiplash like it's no big deal but 15 years after I was in an accident I'm still plagued by neck problems sometimes so severe I can't turn my head.

Now that I'm done with that lecture, glad nobody got killed because really it could have been so much worse. Count it as one of life's lessons learned. If both of you never again drive drunk or let someone else drive drunk this relatively minor accident may prove to be the best thing to happen to you in terms of preventing something bigger from happening down the line. Forgive yourself, love and forgive your friend if you can but most importantly never forget the lesson you've learned.

[ploppy]

14. Booze just

isn't worth killing people. Especially innocent bystanders.

[salin]

15. No offense - but what really sucks - is someone got up

this morning and found their car totalled and they have *nothing* to do with it. Hopefully that person or family have access to another vehicle until they can deal with the aftermath. Sorry, but I feel the most sympathy for the person who owns the car that your friend ran into - they had *no* choices made that led to their misfortune, no responsibility, nothing - but you can bet that they were presented with a slew of challenges after this incident.

Once you saw the direction that the evening was going - it probably would have been wise to stay put (let him keep bar hopping) drink your water - and call for a cab - even if that meant having the cab stop by an ATM machine to get the cash to pay the cab. It would be expensive - but it would keep you safe - and send a rather strong message to your friend.

I am glad that the accident resulted in minimal physical injury. It could have been so much worse. Still I really feel for the 'innocent' bystander in this situation.

[Kali]

16. It's a bummer to be the designated driver when everybody is drinking and having fun

Next time (if) TAKE A CAB. No matter how much $$ it costs it will be cheaper than a DUI or a wreck. And everybody can get as buzzed as they want.

[TrogL]

17. Aren't you supposed to stay at the scene of the accident?

You are a witness.

[Redstone]

18. When in doubt, bail the fuck out. Remember than next time.

Redstone

[Nikia]

19. Is it possible that James has a drinking problem

Some people cannot stop drinking once they start. James may be one of them.