Grammar/structure assistance, please

[Orrex]

I'm drawing a blank. A friend asked me to proofread a story he's writing, and I can't recall the proper format for this kind of construction.

Here's how he wrote it:

"We could try again at the hotel," said Bob. Sam shook his head in frustration. Elizabeth cut in, "It's as good an idea as any."

Here's how I think I might rework it:

"We could try again at the hotel," said Bob.

Sam shook his head in frustration, but Elizabeth cut in.

"It's as good an idea as any," she said."

But is that correct? What's your suggestion?

The double-spaces indicate paragraph indentations, by the way.


TIA!

[RebelOne]

1. Actually the correct way to quote someone would be to write

Bob said, not said Bob. And I think Elizabeth's quote should be on the same line as "but Elizabeth cut in. And delete the quotation mark after she said.

[Orrex]

3. Doh! That second quote was an idiot's typo (mine)

Are you sure about those other two points? I've seen said Bob a million times over--is it really incorrect?

And I thought (perhaps incorrectly) that the introduction of a new speaker/line-of-dialogue required a new paragraph?

Thanks for your input!

:hi:

[Giant Robot]

2. I've seen writers do that

But I do not think it is correct from what I remember. If it is not correct, it is at least confusing to the reader to have to keep track of who is saying what all in the same paragraph.

My suggestion:

"We could try again at the hotel," said Bob.

Sam shook his head in frustration, but Elizabeth cut in. "It's as good an idea as any, " she said.


Elizabeth and her words and actions become the subject of the second paragraph, as Sam is essentially reduced to an irrelevant role, grammatically. But change that up somehow. Your way, mine, it doesn't matter as it does not have a good flow to it.

[pokerfan]

16. It was a dark and stormy night

"We could try again at the hotel," said Bob.

Sam shook his head in frustration, but Elizabeth cut in, "It's as good an idea as any."

[rug]

4. I suggest this:

Overcome by passion and unwilling to search any longer, Sam, Elizabeth and Bob stripped and jumped into the bushes.

[Orrex]

5. You're way off

That doesn't happen until later in chapter two.

[Lars39]

6. Try this...

Sam shook his head in frustration as Elizabeth cut in, "It's as good an idea as any."

or substitute *interrupted* for *cut in*.

[montanto]

7. Is this about a three-way?

[Orrex]

8. If I tell you now, it'll spoil the surprise

You'll just have to keep reading.

[Redstone]

9. No, no, no. If Elizabeth "cut in," the "she said" is superfluous.

Redstone

[Orrex]

15. I'm not sure about that, at least not as it's currently structured

Redstone wrote:

No, no, no. If Elizabeth "cut in," the "she said" is superfluous.

But here's the passage:

"We could try again at the hotel," said Bob.

Sam shook his head in frustration, but Elizabeth cut in.

"It's as good an idea as any," she said."

If I omit the "she said," then it's possible that Sam is speaking the line.

However, if I combine the two lines, as some have suggested, then you're correct IMO.

[Lyric]

10. my suggestions

"We could try again at the hotel," suggested Bob.
Frustrated, Sam started to shake his head but was
silenced when Elizabeth cut in and said "It's as
good an idea as any."

This might be more of a re-write than you wanted, but there it is. :)

[dropkickpa]

11. Holy crap

Either there was similar thread to this about a year ago, or I am batshit insane and am experiencing hard core deja-vu

*edited beause I can't spell batshit!!

[Orrex]

12. I don't know what kind of hard core experiences you're having...

But I'm certain that I didn't post about this previously. My friend only gave me the story for review a few weeks ago, and I only came upon this passage in the past few days.

[dropkickpa]

14. Okay, that settles it

I'm batshit crazy*!!!!:crazy:






*I need to join the woo's, write a book on tapping psychic inner power, and start selling my special herbal juice blend to enhance those powers. I'll be rich I tell you, RICH!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Maru Kitteh]

13. Less clumsy:

Bob said "We could try again at the hotel" as Sam shook his head in frustration. Elizabeth interjected. "It's as good an idea as any."

Or:
Bob turned his head up and to the right, almost visibly searching for the solution. "We could try again at the hotel" he said flatly. Sam, at a loss for words shook his head in frustration. Elizabeth had had enough of them both. "It's as good an idea as any", she snapped.