I hate father's day...who had a really crappy father?

[hatredisnotavalue]

My so-called father abandoned my mother when I was born and we wound up being on welfare for the next 18 years. He called me when he was dying and I didn't go to visit him and didn't get a dime from his will. All of his wife's kids did. Fuck him.

[graywarrior]

1. I admire good dads.

My dad was a sick alcoholic...a bastard, but I loved him anyhow. However, Father's Day and Mother's Day are not enjoyable for me.

[havocmom]

2. Ditto

I used to get my mom a present for Father's Day too. Now, I just miss her.

[Radio_Lady]

23. I got a picture of Mom, Dad, and me from my elderly aunt.

It was salvaged from an old, deteriorating photo of a family wedding anniversary held at Webster Hall in Pittsburgh, PA on March 6, 1943. I was almost four years old. It was wartime, and there is a picture of a Red Cross nurse posted prominently in the background.

I am the only little child in the photo (SEE ME ON THE RIGHT SIDE). I'm sitting very squirmy on my father's lap. My mother looked pretty and poised. They were attractive and intelligent -- that was their long suite. They were gorgeous, but both were emotionally unstable, and the family suffered because of that.

All kinds of aunts and uncles and cousins in the photo.

It made me sigh because I have so few pleasant memories of my parents.

[Spacemom]

3. I know what you mean

It's always so difficult for me to find a father's day card. I need one that says "You were a shitty father but thanks to a billion dollar marketing campaign, I'm expected to buy you a card or else be considered the bad daughter. Here's your damn father's day card."

I just usually getting something funny.

[LiberalEsto]

70. Send that to Hallmark!

I'd buy it if my father was still alive.

[unsavedtrash]

4. I did and that is why mama got a gift today.

I celebrate her on Mothers Day and Fathers day. My sisters and I have done it for years.
Any time I did see the asshole he would get the finger and a big fuck you.
He bailed when I was six and my little sister was an infant.

[skygazer]

5. My father wasn't totally horrible but wasn't great either

He was good at the stuff that didn't require a lot of effort on his part, the things that he wanted to do anyway but he was lousy at the stuff that required him to be at all responsible.

I told a story about him in the "good storied about dads" thread that I did really appreciate but there weren't too many moments like that.

I sent him an email that just basically said happy father's day, sorry I didn't get you a card. He pretty much abandoned me when I was 14 and my mother died - 30 years later, we get along but mostly because he lives 3000 miles away. :shrug:

[Arugula Latte]

6. Jesus, it's amazing how many fathers just split ...

I never fail to be amazed at the sheer numbers of dads who just shrug their shoulders and walk away ...

[bumblebee1]

25. My father didn't split after my mother died.

He just jumped into an ill advised second marriage. He married my step mother because she was Catholic. She turned out to be one hell of a nut job. I guess my father was lonely and he felt his three girls needed a mother.

[ThomCat]

7. My dad is a mean manipulative bastard who is too evil to die.

x(

There will be parties when he finally goes.

[Haole Girl]

10. Hey Thom...

I felt that way about my step-father.

:hug:

[idgiehkt]

14. .

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

17. ...

:hug:

[BlueIris]

19. I'm sorry, hon.

[ThingsGottaChange]

8. I'm still working out how I feel about my deceased father

I know I didn't shed one tear when he passed. He wasn't mean or evil but he allowed his perverted cousin to spend time with his daughters and I will never get over that. He taught us to love nature but, he was so critical with us that it's hard to think about any "good" stuff. This is just another day to me.

I so envy people that had great dads.

[EstimatedProphet]

9. Frankly, mine was

He died this past January. He was an abuser. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I could understand that he did what he did not out of meanness, but out of not knowing any better and having to wrestle with his own demons.

[Javaman]

63. Been there.

My dad abused my mom and abused us kids mentally. but then again, he was beaten as a child and locked in closets for hours and days. His dad was certifiable. As a kid I despised him, as a teen, I shunned him, in my 20's tolerated him, in my 30's I began to understand him, in my 40's I loved him.

Sadly, he's gone, but it took me a long time to get to this point where I accept him for the human, with all the failings we all have, that he was.

He tried the best with the really awful tools he was given by his parents.

There were good times, but they were punctuated with some truly horrible times.

He was a tortured man with a big heart and no way to show it.

Oddly, he taught me about peace.

[LuLu550]

11. Please make peace with your dad

no matter how crappy -- or even dead -- he may be. For your own good - not for him, don't carry anger and hate in your hearts.

It was hard for me, but I did and I am much more emotionally well-off than my brothers who did not.

[JI7]

12. in the case of the OP , it seems like he wasn't his dad at all other than

just in the biological sense. it might be different if they had spend time together and they had a lot of troble in their relationship. but in this case the guy was pretty much a stranger.

[LuLu550]

13. Making peace does not mean

you have to have a relationship with. You just have to accept the situation and let go of the anger or hurt you carry.

[idgiehkt]

15. I think each person should do what is best for themselves

and not assume that what is right for them may be what is right for another.

[MichiganVote]

49. I made peace when a sign over his head read, rest in peace. Dead, gone, buried, and amen.

[BlueIris]

16. I did, I did, I did!

Most people did, I think. Which is not something I post to minimize your feelings about your situation or minimize my own feelings about mine, but: I hate father's day because I think so few men who have produced children deserve to be recognized with a holiday.

[fudge stripe cookays]

30. That's a gross generalization.

Have you interviewed "most people?"

My dad was awesome. I wish he was still here. Sorry yours was not that great, but don't lump mine in with yours, thanks.

[TheFriendlyAnarchist]

33. Seconded.

However, just look at their sig.

[fudge stripe cookays]

41. Wow.

I missed that the first time. Thanks!

[ronnykmarshall]

48. Pretty sick .....

I could join in the "Daddy Bashing", but I won't.

I'll just say this. My parents divorced when I was 16. Which was actually about six years over due.

My dad fucked around on my mom a lot. But he woke up after it was too late. He lost his wife and his sons because of it. He spent years trying to re-build a family. He re-married three more times before he died (he finally got it right with his last wife).

My dad didn't know how to reach out to my brother and I. We also didn't know how to reach out to him. Because of that, my dad missed the last years of my brother's life. (he died of AIDS in 1989)

My mom is STILL bitter about the divorce which pisses me off. She's married to a great man and they are soul mates. I love my step-father.

I still feel that had my dad not married those other two women and married my step father, I would have had more years to enjoy with my dad. I'm lucky to have had the time with him that I did.

I'm glad that I got past my mom's bitterness toward my father and welcomed him back into my life. My dad NEVER was ashamed of my brother and I for being gay. (much to my surprise)

It's been five years since his death and I miss him like crazy. I'm glad that I have a wonderful step-mom that gave my dad 10 years of the happiness that he was searching for when he lost my mom. And I'm glad that I have my step-mom in my life to keep my dad's memory alive.

[idgiehkt]

68. wow

your last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. :hug: Life is bittersweet.

[greatauntoftriplets]

35. Thirded....

My father has been dead nearly 15 years, and I still miss him every day. What a wonderful, amazing man he was.

[Pale Blue Dot]

43. You know, you come into a thread with this title

and then you seem shocked... SHOCKED... to find a post like this. It's almost like you had an agenda when you came in here.

I'm happy that you had good parents, and I invite you to post in the "good" father thread about how you feel that "most" fathers are "awesome". I PROMISE I won't go into that thread and get righteously indignant on you.

[fudge stripe cookays]

46. Not good PARENTS.

A good father.

My mother was for shit. And I've posted about her numerous times in the past. Feel free to get sanctimonious about that too.

I came into this thread so I could feel a little better about having lost my father when I was so young. Which is worse? Not having one, or having a shitty one? I've asked myself numerous times in the past.

I got pissed when the poster said that she thought MOST people had crappy fathers. It's patent bullshit. How the fuck does the experience of one person qualify her to make that statement, exactly?

[EstimatedProphet]

55. Well said

That was a hateful post, any way you slice it.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

53. Who shat on your wheaties? -nt

[Pale Blue Dot]

54. People come into this thread, a thread about bad fathers,

create Straw Men about claiming that one poster, because he/she used the word "most", is lumping "mine in with yours", and call that poster "pretty sick", and you ask me who shit in MY Wheaties?

[Blue-Jay]

59. So then you agree with this statement:

"I think so few men who have produced children deserve to be recognized with a holiday."

Right?

[ronnykmarshall]

47. THAT is repulsive.

Sounds like a racist saying that MLK doesn't deserve a holiday because "I ain't never met a black person I like".

That's really fucking sick.

[enigmatic]

52. I agree n/t

[La Lioness Priyanka]

65. you are generalizing men too much. the vast majority of people i know

have great fathers.

[PVnRT]

71. Wow, "most people"?

This is a rather extraordinary claim. Do you have the evidence to back this up?

Who am I kidding? Of course you don't. And on behalf of my father, grandparents, cousins and uncles who have been magnificent fathers to their children, kindly go fuck yourself.

[Ishoutandscream2]

18. Never knew my real dad

Had an asshole step-dad when I was between 7 and 14 year's old. What makes this day special for me is the fact my own children love me and make me breakfast!! It helps erase all the bad memories growing up.

[Breeze54]

20. I posted in that other thread...a good memory about my Dad but

that's because that was the OP's question and topic.

But my Dad had his days, believe me! So did my Mom.

But I've chosen to just let it go, as they're dead and gone now.

It won't change anything if I remain angry and I was angry for a very long time.

Therapy helped a lot and so did time. I don't have the energy anymore to be angry.

Peace to you! :hug:

[Omphaloskepsis]

21. My dad has been dead for years...

I can't say I miss him. The alcoholic women/children beater got what he deserved.

[quiet.american]

22. I had *two* of 'em - one natural, one step-. Oh well, guess that's the way it goes. n/t

[Norwood]

24. Right here

He was an alcoholic and abusive. I havent spoken to the man in about 5 years when he called and bitched at me on Christmas. We had at it and I haven't spoken to him since.

[MikeH]

26. I have very mixed memories and mixed feelings about my dad

My father did many very nice things and many good things, and was an excellent provider for his family, and I had many good and pleasant times with him. He was far from being the worst father anybody ever had. When he was in a good mood he could be quite pleasant and fun to be with.

However he sometimes bordered on being abusive, especially emotionally and psychologically (though I did receive my share of spankings when I was a kid). He often treated an honest mistake, an honest forgetting of something, or something that did not quite meet his standards as if it were a crime or an affront to him. And he was often very poor at understanding, or even trying to understand, from my point of view, some sensitive issue or something that I was upset about. He often lectured me in a way that showed a complete lack of understanding of just what it was that I was struggling with, or what was bothering or upsetting me.

He would invariably say that whatever he was saying or doing was with the best of motives, and "for my won good". If I were upset with him or with anything he said or did, it was always a problem with me, never with him. I wish I had thought of reminding him that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but I never did.

My dad seemed to feel that because of all the good things he did and how hard he worked, he could do no wrong, and that being the father of his children and head of the house gave him certain arbitrary privileges (though he would always deny that was so).

My dad died of leukemia in 1985 at the age of 63, when I was not quite yet 35. It was very heartbreaking seeing him in the hospital the last three weeks of his life.

I came to realize how angry I still was at him a little over a year after he died, after the normal grief at the loss of someone close had worn off. I came to realize that much of what I had accepted all of my life before then was really abusive and very disrespectful of me, and that it was not just something wrong with me that I had problems with him or that I was often angry and resentful toward him (which spilled out toward my being angry and resentful in general).

I was in a lot of therapy, both individual and group therapy, in the years following my dad's death. I feel that I have slowly come to the point of being able to accept that the past was not what I had wished it was, and that I was not going to be able to deal with my dad the way I wish I had been able to while he was alive.

I was serious about Christianity as a young man in my 20's and early 30's. My coming to the realization that I had not been able to deal with my dad the way I would have wanted to, and that Christianity and supposedly having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ had not been of help to me in dealing with him, was the major factor which led me to become disenchanted with Christianity and the Christian faith, and to eventually part company with the faith. I definitely feel that parting company with the Christian faith was the right and healthy decision for me.

It is in large part because of my difficult and painful relationship with my dad that I have become an advocate, here on DU and elsewhere, for the work of Alice Miller, who herself is an advocate for the (almost universally mistreated) child each of us once was. And I also speak out, when appropriate (often in the Religion/Theology forum), against the commandment, one of the "Ten Commandments" often attributed to God, to honor our father and mother (which in the biblical text does not make any exceptions if a parent is abusive or has not earned any right to be honored).

[Pale Blue Dot]

38. Wow. You and I had the same dad.

My dad's still alive, however, and I'm still trying to decide if I can really "love" someone who is so blind to his own faults. He has hurt a lot people close to him, but not in any overt ways. Your first 4 paragraphs...wow. That's my father to a T.

I'm nearly 40, and I've just recently gotten over trying to please him.

[idgiehkt]

69. Thanks for linking Alice Miller again

Great post. I think instead of reading Moby Dick and the like in school, her two books "For Your Own Good" and "Thou Shalt Not Be Aware" should be required reading in schools. At least kids might have an inkling why they are so f*cked up. Plus she outlines precisely how addictive personalities are created, even if her focus is more on the creation of authoritarianism...I would bet it is rare to find any degrees of authoritarianism in anyone without accompanying addiction. :hug:

[dysfunctional press]

27. i would have been better off if my dad had split.

he was an abusive fuckwad, physically and verbally- and it was the verbal that was BY FAR the most insidious- he NEVER said a single positive thing about anything i EVER accomplished as a child- he would only continually tell me how completely utterly worthless i was.
here's a memory- i was 18, and a car went through a stop sign, and hit me broadside on my motorcycle- when my parents got to the hospital, i was in the emergency room surgery area having what was left of my clothes cut off- my father's first words as he scowled at me- "great- who's gonna pay for this?"

basically, the bastard raised me to be an emotional cripple, with absolutely NO self-esteem, and a seething all-encompassing contempt for ALL authority.

he also convinced me never to have children, for fear of being the exact same kind of non-father.

[BlueIris]

29. Good for you for sharing all of that.

It's so hard to revisit these issues, particularly on the holiday itself. But it's an important part of our healing processes.

[raccoon]

40. I didn't have children for the same reason--I didn't want to be the

same kind of parents my parents were to me.

[Javaman]

66. Same reason why I didn't want kids. nt

[dEMOK]

28. Greatly Honest and Courageous Thread - hatredisnotavalue...

I didn't know I was going to go here tonight; but, thank you for stirring my memories. I hope that this story will be valuable to you:

My Dad mellowed out over the years & now he's one of the most sensitive & caring people I know (I like to think that I helped him along this path).

This understood, Dad was a raging abuser. He never hit my mother (although he abused her psychologically for years).

His restraint, however, wasn't reserved for myself & my 3 brothers. He had no compunction about beating us kids. This was not discipline -- this was a venting of rage & hitting with anger. There were countless times when he screamed & yelled & beat the crap out of us.

I was "honored" to be his namesake. Because he gave me his first name -- his narcissism allowed him to think that he could literally beat me into a model of himself. With each beating, he pushed himself farther & farther away from me.

I needed him, but he saw my sensitivity as weakness. I'll never forget the day ...I was about 13. Dad saw me hurting from some of the most nasty crap that can happen in Junior High. I was on the brink of tears, needing support. Dad said to me, "I can't be your friend. You can have many friends, but only one father." This was ice-water poured on a drowning young man.

I was not only unprepared for life -- I was dis-repaired! The family "rules" I was forced to live under were in direct contradiction with how I would need to behave in the larger human family, after I left home. Needless to say, I went through a long period of adjustment.

This sounds selfish (and it is) but I finally forgave Dad for my own reasons.

I had a hard time with an employer one day. He (rightly) told me what I needed to do & I went into a silent rage. I had so much outrage at someone I didn't know -- I had to regroup & think. I was projecting my Dad upon real world "authority" figures (who weren't deserving of my wrath).

My anger was fucking up my future. If I didn't forgive Dad, my anger would have kept fucking up my life! I had to see him as a human being in order to get past resenting every "authority" figure i encounter.

When I could finally see "Dad" as just another flawed person, flawed because of family history -- he became human to me (and I to him). I was no longer under his control; and he's come to respect the fact that I (as an adult) respect his humanity -- on equal terms.

Happy Son's Day

[GenDem]

61. Similar childhood

I won't go into the details because your father sounds just like mine.

After years of therapy, I too have resolved my father issues and have forgave him. I actually enjoy him now.

Our Father's Day was lovely. Spent at our lake cottage, with a chicken bar-be-que, presents, and golf on TV. My father provided the chicken and did all the cooking. Everyone had a great time.

I'm glad that I've moved past it. Holding onto a resentment did me no good, but it was a process.

[SeattleGirl]

31. I'm sorry you ended up in such a situation.

I had a love/hate relationship with my dad, but in the end, the love won out. I know that's not the case with a lot of other people. It's sad when one or both parents aren't equipped for the job.

I hope that somewhere along the line, you found a friend or teacher or mentor who could provide you with some of the things that good fathers can give their children. We all deserve that. :hug:

[Brewman_Jax]

32. I can appreciate your pain

Mine wasn't great, either. I growl at my mother for having stayed with the sorry bastard all of this time when she whines about what he did this time or that she (finally) stood up to him.

They're now the dottering sick old people that no one wants to be. Their medical history would take up most of this post.

The gods were merciful this year. He went on a mini-family reunion to NYC over the weekend. No worries about what to do for father's day.

[Callalily]

34. Some men should

never become fathers, and mine is one of them. I haven't seen him in over five years, and my life has been all the better ever since.

[Xipe Totec]

60. I had a pretty nice father's day

and I loved my dad as well.

We was not perfect; he was just a man who thought I was perfect.

I am not perfect, but I am humbled by his trust in me.

My father's day gift to him is making sure my children look after their children...

... When they get around to having them...

[My Good Babushka]

36. My husband is a really great father

so we just concentrate on that for father's day.

[TorchTheWitch]

37. I'm sorry to hear that - my dad was wonderful

I always hate to hear about dads who were horrible. I must have been extremely lucky that mine was not only wonderful but always there for all of us... he'd even be happy to emotionally adopt anyone without a dad or without a good dad (and sometimes it got him into trouble, but he always did it anyway). He's been dead nearly 10 years now, but I still feel his love and guidance and know he watches over us all.

I'd be happy to share my daddy with you... I know he wouldn't mind seeing as he was proud to be anyone's surrogate daddy when he was alive.

Hugs from me and my dad... :hug: :hug:

[raccoon]

39. Me. My father was a raging alcoholic and a battering husband.

We lived then in a big old house so think, "The Shining."

My mother left him with me and my sibs--we were all still little kids--in a hurry, fearful that he'd become violent if he caught on. A few months later he died of alcoholism.

I've thought sometimes of changing my last name just so I wouldn't have his.

[Faygo Kid]

56. Same here. Mom was a saint. But, I had a nice Father's Day.

I got to be the Dad my father never was to my now-30 year old daughter. She lives in another state, but adopted a polar bear for me for Father's Day through World Wildlife Fund - which was cool (pun intended). Too busy trying to stop Bush from destroying the next generation to spend much time on the past. Hell of a story, though.

[Le Taz Hot]

42. Both Father's Day and Mother's Day

are difficult for me. Father split when I was a year-and-a-half old, never to be seen or heard from again. My mother was/is a violent nutcase who alternately abused and neglected me for 17 years. Sorry, no parental warm fuzzies here.

[bikebloke]

44. Mine was the lesser of two evils

My incubator unit (what most would call "mother" was far worse. I stopped living with her when I was 15. And never once did she attempt to contact me, since there wasn't any money in it for her. Finally, when she was dying, she wanted a made-for-TV death bead reunion - passed on by her sister. I refused.

To my father, I became a threat to his own ego as a grew up. I was supposed to be 5 years old my entire life and be a lesser clone of himself. He didn't want me going to school beyond high school. On his death bed, he was ranting against college education. I took a lot of verbal abuse. It's a surprise I never took to drink and drugs. I guess I turned out stronger than both parents.

[hippiechick]

45. Yep.

3rd generation alcoholic/verbal abuser who didn't want "us kids" and reminded us often how we "ruined" his life (it's called a zipper - use it, dumbass!). :(

He died of cirrohsis/kidney failure in 1994 and on Father's Day in '98 - weeks before I moved to Indy - I went to his crypt and forgave him. Took a load off my shoulders, anyway.


O8)

[Missy Vixen]

57. So, here's a hug, from another daughter of the same

>3rd generation alcoholic/verbal abuser who didn't want "us kids" and reminded us often how we "ruined" his life (it's called a zipper - use it, dumbass!).<

I was born eleven months after the wedding to a father who evidently didn't want children, but didn't seem to realize that his twenty-year-old Irish Catholic wife might not know a lot about birth control.

My mother was disabled from the time I was about ten or so. I clearly remember my father's driving myself and my sisters, who were probably seven and four, back home after receiving a tongue-lashing by my aunt on the subject of "you're going to have to step up, she can't do it all," and his telling me that he could "disappear tomorrow. You'd never find me. Think about that."

To this day, I'm so sorry that I didn't look right at him in the rear-view mirror and tell him, "Go ahead." He's been dead for 23 years. All he represents to me is pain.

Julie

[MrScorpio]

50. Never met mine

Father's Day never meant much to me

[LynneSin]

51. I had a wonderful father but he died when I was 14 - so I hate the day too

So I feel your pain

[fudge stripe cookays]

62. Careful...

don't want to be lambasted for having a decent father in this thread! You obviously have an ulterior motive for coming here!

(see above if you missed it...)

:eyes:

[Evoman]

58. My dad was a chronic cheater and liar.

He was the kind of guy who is super nice, promises you the world, shows interest in you...but when its time for more than just talk, he is busy or gone. He doesn't like being inconvenienced. Left us when I was 14, but would visit us and we did keep in touch. He is truly a nice guy...very charismatic, very charming. But he is never REALLY there for you. After he bailed, he didn't give my mom any of the child support she was supposed to get. And then he would give us the occasional shitty gift and expect us to kiss his ass. Um..yeah right dude. Eventually, he got really fucked up because one chick he hooked up with fucked him over REALLY bad....accused him of abuse, stalked him, said he molested her kids (which I am positive he did not). He learned his lesson from that experience

I am still in touch with him. He is a lot better now, and a heck of a lot more mature. He has another family though, and he is REALLY good with them. He gives me free room and board when I am down in his city (lives in a big city I like to go to for vacations. I've more or less forgave him, but I still don't believe him if he ever promises anything.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

64. my dad has bipolar. some people would say he is a bad father because

he couldnt really always stay out of his delusions. but he is a good man and he loves me. and he did the best he could.

[China_cat]

67. My so-called 'father' raped my mother

I never got to know him. Thankfully.