cssmall
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Tue Jun-19-07 07:17 PM
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Gimme some opinions about this very rough first draft |
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Sent me from my home From the arms of my daughter To the sands of the desert In an oasis, on my knees in the blinding red sun It’s fitting in its own damned way.
I watched stories from my chair Of liberation and freedom, Gratitude of devastation with arms wide open Like raptor with its prey Snaring sustenance with sharpened and darkened talons
And, on to the desert sands I kneel, My hands broken, my eyes swollen The smell of urine filling my nostrils As I ready to enter unto God’s kingdom, I say it’s rather fitting in its own way.
Ah, hell, I heard from my friends That heaven’s streets are paved in oil Bright and glittering as gold, Jesus wears a suit and tie, Shaving his beard and trimming his hair
And, on the desert sands I kneel My body bruised, my head aching The sun’s light bleeding over me In wretched, dry agony. It’s fitting in its own way.
We were greeted with sticks and stones Bombs and mines, guns and snarling teeth No kisses my way as believed in that lie. The lie is my last nail. This lie is my last nail. This lie is my last nail. This life is my Last nail
And, on the desert sands I kneel My head burning, My eyes stinging In wanton disbelief It’s somewhat fitting in its own way
On the desert sands I cry My knees melting My body quivering In searing belief. It’s not fitting in its way.
On the desert sands, I fall Cold steel against my head Smoking powder my last smell It’s not fucking fitting in its way.
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Lyric
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Tue Jun-19-07 07:18 PM
Response to Original message |
1. I can give you a general opinion, or |
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I can give you a full critique, with suggested improvements. Which do you prefer? :hi:
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cssmall
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Tue Jun-19-07 07:19 PM
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Lyric
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Tue Jun-19-07 07:37 PM
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4. Okay. Well to make it brief. |
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I think the imagery and sentiment of this piece is incredibly powerful. I like the repetition in the last lines, I love the jarring quality of "this lie is my last nail"--reminds me a bit of TS Eliot. I'd probably substitute the word "piss" for "urine", just because urine seems sterile and careful, and your poem is anything but, and it suits the tone better. I'd get rid of "sustenance"--too highbrow a word for this poem--and rewrite it something like "Like a raptor with its prey/A sharp, dark-taloned snare". I'd also rewrite "smoking powder is my last smell" with something like "the powdersmoke screaming death in my nose". Thanks for sharing!
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cssmall
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Tue Jun-19-07 07:49 PM
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CaliforniaPeggy
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Tue Jun-19-07 07:28 PM
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I love it......
Very powerful, very dramatic, very true......
Thank you!
:patriot:
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Rabrrrrrr
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Tue Jun-19-07 08:07 PM
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6. It's a good start. Good imagery, some great. Good emotional push. |
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Edited on Tue Jun-19-07 08:12 PM by Rabrrrrrr
Too many words make it too tame, though - you have a great many chances in there for a feeling of immediacy, and lose it with excessive wordage.
A poem like this cries for terseness.
Like this, perhaps:
Sent from my home From my daughter's arms To desert sands In an oasis, on my knees, blinding red sun Fitting in its own damned way.
I watched stories from my chair 'Liberation' and 'freedom', Devestation's Gratitude with wide open arms A raptor's jerking prey (or use "moiling" instead of "jerking") indurate talons rend flesh from bone to stomach
To desert sands I kneel, hands broken, eyes swollen piss-scent fills my nose Girding my loins to penetrate God’s kingdom, I say it’s rather fitting in its own way.
(skip)
On desert sands I kneel body bruised, head aching sunlight bleeches me (I didn't like "bleeds" here, since that's a moist thing) wretched, dry agony. It’s fitting in its own way.
And so on.
I think you've got a winner here!
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cssmall
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Tue Jun-19-07 08:12 PM
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pitohui
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Tue Jun-19-07 10:21 PM
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too many long words, i mean "gratitude of devastation" ??? -- as a famous editor once said, kill your darlings
also "from the arms of my daughter" is a bit pedophilish -- just doesn't sound right -- how many normal guys are in their daughter's arms, think about it, not too many
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Tue Apr 23rd 2024, 11:42 AM
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