Loungers - I desperately need a hug.

[malta blue]

I am moved into my new home, but it was the biggest catastrophe, and also (I fear) the biggest mistake of my life. I sold the house that was in my name and rolled over the equity plus a huge chunk of my own money into a house that is in both of our names.

The day we moved in, it rained heavily and the basement flooded. Then the hot water heater crapped out and I took a cold shower this morning.

To top it off, DH was completely useless and a jerk!

I am not supposed to do any lifting due to health issues, but he stood there and just watched me carry things after I had asked him three and four times to move them.

The icing on the cake was when he removed the portrait of me and little MB from where I had hung it. He said he didn't want it there, and that I should ask him before I proceed with any more decorating ideas because he hates my stuff!

:cry: :cry:

He moved into my house when we got married, had none of his own stuff and now tells me he hates mine. His idea of decorating involves putting up some posters and stuff. (no offense to poster lovers - really) I have very fine pieces of art that I want to display. I'm sorry - an original Picasso does not belong next to a poster of Napa Valley Winery doors....

:cry: :cry:

What am I going to do....

[ThatsMyBarack]

1. Aw....

:hug:

[malta blue]

9. thanks

:hug:

[Richard Steele]

2. ...

:hug:

[malta blue]

10. thanks

:hug:

[Tyler Durden]

3. One word (actually a name): Lysistrata

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lysistrata

Works every time, especially when dealing with men having jerk tendencies; seems to go with the testosterone usually.

[malta blue]

11. LOL

Already fished my copy out of a box and left it on the nightstand ... not sure if he has ever read it.

[Tyler Durden]

15. Every woman I've met who has read that play knows how this works...

...and knows it works.

In fact, if it DOESN'T work, you should probably have a lawyer on retainer!

That, or get him into therapy...QUICKLY!

[malta blue]

16. Oh I know it will cause some strife in my household.

And I have a lawyer - he's my dad.
:woohoo:

[Tyler Durden]

20. Then it will probably work...very well, too.

Enjoy it. He will likely end up groveling...if not physically, then emotionally and psychologically. He's EARNED it in my book.

[malta blue]

26. Yes he has - and he has earned the tongue lashing that

I am building up here at work suffering in pain.

[Tyler Durden]

65. By the way, it's perfectly OK to ENJOY watching him grovel.

As far as I'm concerned, he BOUGHT the cake, he can EAT IT.

Wisdom of Solomon (Apocrypha), chapter 1
Chapter
Book

"8": Therefore he that speaketh unrighteous things cannot be hid: neither shall vengeance, when it punisheth, pass by him.

[idgiehkt]

73. major hugs

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

here's hoping things make a turn for the better tomorrow. :hug:

[Joe Fields]

4. have a long and pointed discussion with him...(particularly about your

health issues and lifting things) A considerate and loving partner would not allow that to happen.) As for the other, a compromise is needed. He needs to compromise, and allow you to place your important decorations where you choose.

[malta blue]

12. I would just limp around dragging stuff or carrying it

and he just stood there. He would give that exasperated sigh when I asked for help. Then last night I was filling the dog's water dish and a tower of boxes fell over on me and I yelled for help and it took him over three minutes to come downstairs. He just kept yelling down "what do you need?" I would answer "HELP"

I am so disappointed right now....

[Joe Fields]

21. Hon, you can't let that continue! He needs straightened out immediately. You

can't, nor should you be expected to cope with that type of unresponsiveness to the physical challenges you face. It just wears a person down both ways, physically and mentally. I know you love him, but he needs to be put straight, and fast.

[malta blue]

24. I am sitting here at work, fighting back tears of sadness

and dealing with pain.

I know I have to deal with him, and I am blessed with the support of my parents (being an only child and having given them one grandchild)...as I write this my mother just called and told me not to worry - she has talked to dad and will resolve this ASAP - she is pissed. She flew in to help us move and SHE was packing and lugging things too. He was just standing there....

[Joe Fields]

27. I sure hope things get better for you on this issue...

:hug:

[malta blue]

29. Thank you very much.

I really appreciate it.:hug:

[BarenakedLady]

5. For you

:hug:

[malta blue]

13. Thanks BNL

:hug:

[wildhorses]

6. ~

:hug:

[malta blue]

14. Thanks

:hug:

[rug]

7. Don't worry about putting it in both your names.

New york is an equitable distribution state and the value of your home at the date of marriage should remain a nonmarital asset. It's still yours.

The move is a stress on everybody. Take a deep breath.

[malta blue]

8. Thanks - I am not sure how this will work out.

I invested all the down payment money for this house (over 30% of the price of the home). We have been married for almost two years now. The house we lived in before was my home as a single person. My father is absolutely beside himself and has already offered to me to buy out the equity DH got when signed as a co-borrower. We would have never been able to afford this house had I not used my money towards it. And I would have never been able to get the mortgage alone (even with my money) since my job does not pay enough to allow me to get approved for a loan that big....

Anyhow - thanks for your reassurance.

[mopinko]

38. i hope dad made you

structure your title to give you more than half of that house.
as for the rest, yeah, have this shit out right now. get it straight, or put the for sale sign out there. nobody needs that kind of shit.
(i will add, tho, that guys who act like this are usually little balls of little boy pain inside. maybe that is a point of view that is useful. after mom is finished with him, that is.)

[malta blue]

49. Actually, Mom took money out of her account and gave it

as an "investment" to protect my funds so that she owns equity in it too...and I would not allow the deed to state rights of survivorship because I want any interest I have to go to my daughter. I have already contacted the executor of my will with those additions and my daughter's father is the trustee for anything she would get. (Can you believe it - our divorce was amicable enough - even tho we went thru some hell - that I could trust him with that - he worships little MB)

And you are right, he does have little boy pain going on - I know this - but I think he will have big boy pain very soon. Mom just went into a movie to avoid calling him while he is on a 4 hour drive right now. She is waiting for him to get home.

[mopinko]

57. if your mom is anything like me-

women like me are the reason the mother-in-law joke was invented- to undermine our power.
this is one of my all time favorite buttons-


i now make a very low bow to your mom. you are lucky to have both of your parents there for you to count on.

[malta blue]

61. My mom is a ferocious bear when she feels anyone is

messing with her one and only baby and her one and only granddaughter. He better watch out....I like your button.

[mopinko]

76. i hope everyone appreciates her.

everybody wants someone like that in their corner in a fight. during peacetime, sometimes not so much.

[malta blue]

81. This is very true.

And yes, during peacetime I become the focus of her energy - it's nice to have it on someone else for a while...:hi:

[ThomCat]

17. Many hugs

:hug:

I hope you can have a long talk with him.

[malta blue]

18. Thanks ThomCat.

How are you feeling these days? It is nice to see you...:hug:

[ThomCat]

19. I'm doing pretty well today.

Thank you.

The last few days have been difficult, but today seems to be turning things around. :)

[malta blue]

23. Glad to hear.

:hi:

[Connonym]

22. Big hugs

:hug: Double check on the basement thing and make sure it was listed in the condition report when you bought the house. If not the seller may be responsible for damages. Don't work too hard and tell you DH that DU will kick his ass if he doesn't shape up!

[malta blue]

25. Thanks - the disclosure said it was a dry basement

and I contacted the attorney and the seller and the seller came by and said "it's dry now so f**k off"

My mom just told me she will kick DH's ass right now so you may have to get in line (if there is anything left after Mommy Lion gets done with him). He may have a good 17 inches on her - but she is the toughest person I know.

[Lars39]

28. I gotta say,

by his actions he sounds like he is trying to control you. Take steps to protect yourself and your child.
Just my 2 cents. :hug:

[malta blue]

31. I know you are right. His actions the past two days have

been just that - controlling.

My daughter made him a card that sayd "Hurray, we are all moved in. I love you"

He is not her dad....and yet she made a card for HIM. He did not acknowledge it at all. He read it in front of her and walked away. She came to me in tears that he said nothing about it.

I am taking the steps I need to right now.

[SacredCow]

34. Wow.

Just Wow. Such a sweet gesture, and nothing? Something is definitely tweaked inside of THAT head....

Hang in there, MB- Sounds like you've got a great support group in your parents and child!

:hug:

[malta blue]

39. I am really surprised that he said NOTHING.

And he says that I need counseling....
:banghead:

[Lars39]

35. That was cruel of him.

Life's too short for that. I'm glad your family is there for support. :hug:

[malta blue]

40. It was cruel. She is only 8 and she took it

very personally.

[RetroLounge]

30. ...

:hug:

RL

[malta blue]

32. Thanks RL

:hug:

[1gobluedem]

33. Stress affects people in funny ways

Maybe he is overwhelmed by the implications of being the co-owner and is hiding from them by being a jerk to you? I'm not excusing it, you understand, it's completely wrong but how has he acted in stressful situations before? I have many family members who act out when they're worried or stressed. It's painful to deal with; you have my sympathy and a :hug:

[malta blue]

36. He can be textbook passive agressive and VERY

condescending when he does not get his way. He has also frightened me with unexpected anger over the stupidest things. I have told him that I will not tolerate any sort of yelling in front of my kid and he needs to step off that soapbox because he will not be the winner in that sort of situation. I have the means and the determination to take him down if I wanted to. I do love him, but he scares me sometimes and this sort of behavior is really out of control.

Thanks for letting me vent.:hug:

[bullwinkle428]

37. Wow...I'm really sorry you're having to go through this -

I went through something like this with my ex-wife years ago, so I know exactly how you're feeling right now. You've always seemed like one of the sweetest, most kind-hearted people here at DU. I'm glad you've got your parents involved and they've clearly got your back on this - being the dumbass that I am, I just kept everything to myself out of a sense of shame, and it just continued to build until it practically killed me.

Just take care of yourself and your daughter, and know that you're anything but alone in this!! :hug:

[malta blue]

42. Many thanks billwinkle428!

I am so blessed to have the best parents EVAH.

And thank you for the kind words. I am trying very hard to get through this day without losing it here at work.

:hug:

[skygazer]

41. I take it DH stands for Dick Head

Honey, you need to make a stand here. It's not HIS house or YOUR house - it's both of yours and that means compromise. If he hates your stuff, that's tough. It doesn't sound like you're all that fond of his. You both need to work out how you can accomodate both your tastes in that shared space.

Also he needs to get off his lazy ass and quit making you do all the heavy lifting. If there's more left to do, don't do it. Period. If he wonders why there are boxes all over the place tell him, "I'm not supposed to lift them and you're not helping." Right now, he knows if he doesn't do it, you will.

And here - :hug: :hug: :hug:

Moving is stressful enough without all that nonsense. :hug:

[malta blue]

44. It certainly does right now.

When I commented on my pain, all he would do is offer and I'm sorry - instead of taking the HUGE f***ing box out of my hands.

I don't know how we are going to accomodate the differences in taste right now. I am being quite defensive right now (I am in pain both mentally and physically) and am not willing to give an inch right now. I will not put up a Napa Valley Winery doors poster on the same wall as my ORIGINAL, SIGNED Picasso - it will not happen.

And thanks for the hugs - I really needed them
:hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

43. Here...

:hug: :hug: :hug: :pals: I'm really sorry, Malta...:hug: I hope things look up soon. :)

[malta blue]

47. Thanks NWC1981 -

oh and BTW - he has never been as interested in DU as when you posted your last set of pix - he saw them over my shoulder and ooohhhed.

:rofl:

I am working on resolving things both in my head and for myself.

Thank you very much for the hugs:hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

55. So he was peeking over your shoulder while he should have been packing or cleaning...

:hug: Sorry about the distraction.. :pals: :P

You're welcome! :D :hug:

[malta blue]

56. LOL - he was supposed to be packing.....

I found it quite amusing - he has asked about your past photos and if you have posted anything new. I told him to mind his business. He always teases me about DU - referring to DUers as my posse....

:rofl:

he has no idea what kind of posse I could really round up if I needed to...:evilgrin:

[Rising Phoenix]

45. great big hug

:hug:

[malta blue]

48. Thank you....how are you doing?

I saw your recent pics - you look beautiful!:hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

51. aww thank you.... I am doing well

best of luck to you...

[malta blue]

52. That is great! I'm glad you are getting your request granted

too....:hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

53. me too!

:hug: you have a Picasso...I'm dying of jealousy....eeek

could you post a pic of it sometime?

[malta blue]

54. I will post it when I hang it in the house...

that along with my Dali and my Rembrandt.

The Picasso is a pencil drawing of a mother and child. The Dali is a mixed pencil and watercolor of a unicorn and the Rembrant is a nude.

[Rising Phoenix]

60. eeeek

I can't wait...I am so jealous....I just purchased a piece from an unknown artist....a friend of mine who is very talented... I'll post a pic when I get it.

[malta blue]

67. I am blessed to have inherited all of it from a dear friend of

the family who had no one but my mother and me. I have a bronze bust of her and everyday I thank her for the life she has given me.

[Rising Phoenix]

70. that is really sweet

[malta blue]

84. Hey - your name has changed now

:bounce:

[Rising Phoenix]

85. I know, isn't it cool?

:bounce:

[malta blue]

86. Yes!

:bounce:

[no name no slogan]

46. ...

:hug:

[malta blue]

50. Thank you....

:hug:

[Shine]

58. Oh, honey.

:hug: :hug: :hug: Here are several hugs for you. First of all, take a deep breath and remember you are a Magnificent being who can rise above and transform ANY challenge that comes your way. Let your fears go and trust in your own inner Wisdom. :hug: :loveya: Affirm your Power and Strength!!

:hug:

[malta blue]

62. Thank you Shine....I was hoping to hear your sage words....

:hug: :hug:

I appreciate your words more and more every day...:loveya:

[LisaM]

59. Keep the Picasso and sell the husband

There is a finite supply of Picassos.

[malta blue]

63. Damn straight....I can't believe he is being like this....

His ex roommate just informed me that she did not even get a shelf in the kitchen where she could put her own coffee mug - it all had to be his stuff everywhere...:banghead:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

64. Wow, I'd tell him...

Well, never mind. It wouldn't be pretty. "Go f**k yourself" would be among the tamest of my comments to such a weasel.

He, er, doesn't sound real good to me. Any redeeming features?

:hug:

[malta blue]

66. I thought so...although as my mom so crudely said this morning

"He'd better be good in b*d or else he is worthless"

:rofl:

I appreciate my mom more and more every day.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

68. Haha, funny woman.

:rofl::rofl:

Good luck.

[malta blue]

69. Thanks...

She rocks!

She hauled so much stuff during this move - I am amazed! She shrank right out of her size 6 clothes with all the work she did - believe me - she did not need to lose the weight.

[fizzgig]

71. i don't have any good advice

but i have plenty of these :hug:

[malta blue]

72. Thanks

:hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

74. I'm so sorry, malta blue.

:hug:

[malta blue]

75. Thank you Midlo.

I am so disappointed.:cry:

[Inchworm]

77. A big hug for you

[malta blue]

79. Thank you....

That is a great hug:hi:

[Guava Jelly]

78. ..

I'm sorry :hug:
I hope things improve for you.

[malta blue]

80. Thanks my friend....

I hope things improve too.:hug:

[Shakespeare]

82. I've been in a very similar situation, and you have all my hugs & sympathy.

I married someone I thought was the most wonderful man on the planet, and about 8 months after the wedding (we'd lived together for a couple of years before getting married), it was like somebody flipped a switch (and he behaved similarly to your husband).

It was stunning bordering on disorienting to see such a profound change in personality, and I ultimately left him. I hope he's not that bad, and that you're able to work things out.

But regardless, have some of these: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[malta blue]

83. Thank you very much for your insight and for

sharing what must have been a difficult situation for you. :hug:

I am truly hoping that it does not come to that but there will be some serious soul searching and hard talking going on the next several months.

We had a long distance relationship for 2 years and then he moved to NY from CA. He moved into my house, and since it was my house, I understand that he did not feel he was "represented" (for lack of a better word). I suppose what really bothers me is the lack of help with the move and his demands for "consultation" before I do any decorating. I mean, I usually move something 5 or 6 times before I settle on a final spot for it in my house. Am I supposed to ask permission every time I move a knickknack?

Anyhow....Thanks for the hugs.:hug: :hug: