The Tao of Oscar

[TrogL]

This is a continuation/musing upon the story of Oscar.

Original thread is here (http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=624815)

The story so far (briefly):

A-Schwarzenegger has inherited an animal from his Uncle Leonard. It is a strange looking beast (detailed description here) with a remarkable vocabulary of facial expressions (described here) who is doing something :scared: in the attic.

He stole a briefcase, generating considerable discussion in another thread.

He is extremely well-read and has been spotted with copies of Kakfa's The Trial, Metamorphosis and Biedermann und die Brandstifter.

He has recently been outfitted with translators (barkalater, cataloater,...), devices of some sort which he uses to grace us with his words of wisdom.

Some samples:

• "I can't think I need to clean my balls first!"
  
• "You'd be better off asking yourself how you like it." (responding to a question about Metamorphosis )
  
• "Tao. 30. Last four lines."
  

There are suspicions that he knows much more about the space-time continuum that we, and fears that he might be going to act upon that knowledge.

[wysimdnwyg]

1. And we all thought...

"The thread that wouldn't die" was the ONLY thread that wouldn't die. This one has a life of it's own.

[TrogL]

3. What is death?

Frost spoke of snow.
Jesus spoke of resurrection.
The liturgy speaks of Requium in aeternum.
All this fuss about the body.

Perhaps death does not
break the thread
holding the sword.

Perhaps Jesus blessed the cup
to make this so
which is why we march
not blindly, but with eyes wide open.

Out of the depths, I now cry to thee, O Oscar.
Let our ears be attentive.
Perhaps the watchman has arrived.

[radwriter0555]

2. You know he took my Bleu Cheese too, remember? LIttle creep

stole it right outta my fridge on xmas day while I was making dinner.

Perhaps he confused it with the olives?

[SpaceCatMeetsMars]

4. I'm going to call animal control

I don't approve of animals that are smarter than I am or of the type of people that consort with them.

[0007]

29. That's junior is in need of a distemper shot after SOTU speech

Spot is smarter than junior!

[A-Schwarzenegger]

5. Tao say

good thing
stretched too far
put eye out

[LynneSin]

6. What next??? Will you organize a pilgramage to view Oscar

:shrug:

[Pobeka]

7. That little furball took my plutonium too!

.. and Oscarton would never have had all this trouble without Oscar.

But with this talk of pilgrimages, maybe I need to recover the Amulet of Oscar from the trash bin...

[Exultant Democracy]

8. The I-CHING of OSCAR

THE JUDGEMENT OF KING OSCAR:

LI-LI
30. BRIGHT AND TENACIOUS FIRE
Use Your Clearness, To Understand And Deal, Whereupon Is Right. Their Luminous Vision And Ability, To Avoid Harsh Encounters Through Harmony And Consent, Your Position Will Insure And Have A Greatly Positively Influence On The World Around You. If Your Work Rests On Truth And Natural Laws, Your Light Will Radiate To Other Quickly.

THE COMMENTARY OF THE BARON OF NEW OSCARVILLE:
Line 4: Case You Entangles In Intrigues Get, To Win Current Over Other, May Burn Out Quickly.

[Exultant Democracy]

9. The Barkalater isn't the best translator

or maybe I just don't understand Chinese.

[blondeatlast]

56. I thought it was Yoda?!

[TrogL]

11. That looks ominous

I get two things out of this. Either Oscar's building a nuclear device, based upon the laws of physics, which will radiate a LOT of light, or it's a warning to Oscar NOT to fiddle with the space-time continuum or mess about with undocumented synchronistic links.

Or he's gonna blow a fuse.

[salin]

70. Lets just hope that Oscar hasn't discovered... the Time Cube

http://www.timecube.com/

[A-Schwarzenegger]

71. He *is* the Time Cube.

Or, rather, the Time Hay Bale.

[Exultant Democracy]

22. More Wisdom

THE JUDGEMENT OF KING OSCAR:

SUN-KAN
59. DISSOLVING SEPARATION
Mental Unit - Helps Dissolve The Alienation, The People Of Unifying Keeps. Ceremony And Ritual Bonds People Too Each Other, When Awakening A Wish For Scholarship. Community - Projects Unite People In A Similar Way. Through Get Mixed Up In These Projects, Will Avoid And Become You Pictures Of Selfish Motives The Stability Soothe, Which Separates You From Other.

THE COMMENTARY OF THE BARON OF NEW OSCARVILLE:
Line 1: Window-Dressings Quickly Corrects To Conflicts, Which May Cause Disunity, As Soon As They Appear. Look For Outside Help How Needed And This Will Bring Luck.
Line 2: Taking Immediate Act, To Free Itself Of The Alienating Thinks And Negative Emotions, Which Separate You From Other.
Line 6: If A Situation Is Dangerous, It Is Better, To Move Of It.

[Exultant Democracy]

23. I tried using the catalater this time

but it didn't seem to work much better. I think it my have something to do with the locking of his original thread.

[TrogL]

26. Therein lies the fifth hallow

[Robb]

10. I finally figured it out.

"A-Schwarzenegger" is actually Dr. Bronner.

Dilute! Dilute! O.K.! :D

...on another note, was he actually spotted with a copy of Biedermann, or was it merely a speculation that he might enjoy it?

[blondeatlast]

16. That's it! It figures Robb would figure it out . . .

http://www.drbronner.com/

Bathing in it will do strange things . . .

[A-Schwarzenegger]

17. I missed this.

We still use the stuff. I remember (trying to)
read the label on blue dot.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

12. Well, this should do it...

Goodbye thread.

[Pobeka]

13. No the OTHER thread! (inherited mixed animal from uncle)

This is the one designated to live.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

14. Oscar la vista.

I mean The Thread.

[Pobeka]

15. Last known whereabouts of Oscar

The last we knew of Oscar, he was on a greyhound headed for Mexico, an unfortunate communication error, for Shanneee was expecting Oscar to arrive home in Minnesota, not Mexico. I offered this suggestion:
---

I still have 5 orbs of Oscar here in Oscarton.

You know, maybe we could get a volunteer from the crowd and try the impregnation again. I have a feeling that the beer party before the impregnation may have been the monkey wrench in the cogs of progress. Then we could get a few more Oscars and at least sent a consulation Oscar to Shanneee.

I promise, no cult building this time...

[DuctapeFatwa]

19. I just got a call from an amateur UPS tracker in Matamoros!

Oscar was last scanned at the entrance to a somewhat disreputable but clean guest house, where he is said to be resting quietly, viewing a stack of tapes of old Johnny Canales shows, looking puzzled but in a suddenly illuminated kind of way, munching a plate of cochinitas piviles, the room service tray, and a sky-blue velveteen souvenir mariachi hat a previous guest left in the shower.

Hotel personnel who asked not to be named described Oscar as purposeful and fluffy.

[burrowowl]

24. Oh thanks heavens!

Why did the moderator lock it? I use dial-up. Takes a little time but Oscar is worth it.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

27. I ast them to.

I have to go to Mexico.

[burrowowl]

34. If you get to

Ciudade Satelite (just outside Mexico City) say Hi to my Uncle Picklepuss! He is 93, loves animals and speaks English, a bit deaf, but likes to practice English!
They don't get water everyday so Oscar won't have to worry about frequent bathing.

[blondeatlast]

57. Matcom is in Mexico--he's rather purposeful and well, not fluffy, though.

[m-jean03]

18. Did Oscar give anyone the heebie-jeebies at first?

I mean, I guessed it might be a joke, but it really gave me the heebie jeebies I couldn't shake, hence the Linda Barry comparison. Ick. Gross. Weird. Dirty old man with a dirty little animal...

Was happy it lightened a bit but my initial frightening vision is still with me. You know the darkness where the freaks and villains dwell? The garbage dumps that eat people alive? The semi-conscious hermits living out their lives in some decaying cesspool with one foot in hell and not even knowing it because it is so familiar?

At first I guess I feared this was where Oscar came from...

[Pobeka]

20. I adored Oscar instantly.

There were those who doubted, but I knew he was real. It was only after the sad turn of events at Oscarton (which was partly my fault, trusting blindy in the Orbs of Oscar), that I realized that Oscar, while truly a god of some sort, was a fallible god. Thus I view him now, with great reverence and some suspicion as to his intellectual capabilities.

[TrogL]

21. Is he of the line of Melchizadek?

What is the fifth hallow?

[Pobeka]

25. I plead ignorance of Melchizadek, and tell of an unusual development.

I am but a simpleton, born to commoners. But, I know the grace of god when I see it, and some resides there in Oscar. If only he was blessed with the intelligence of god as well.

And the unusual development:

The Orbs of Oscar, which I have here on my desk, I thought were just getting a little dull from all the handling -- they are fascinating, sort of like a Hershey's kiss is fascinating, but, I digress.

I thought I'd wipe off the accumulated grease and dust from the Orbs, but it's not coming off. On closer inspection, I think it may be fur growing on the Orbs of Oscar.

[TrogL]

28. Under no circumstances

walk anywhere while carrying the Orbs until you know which one is which

[Pobeka]

30. Oh my. I don't know... I may need some advice here.

You see, I just tried to put a little dot on one of them with a Sharpie, so I could know which is which. Oh no. The dot disappeared, and the fur in that place is growing a little faster, like it somehow converted that black marker ink into food.

[TrogL]

31. That one's probably "water"

Did it dry out your Sharpie marker?

[Exultant Democracy]

32. Don't give it any oranges!!!

try keeping them traped inside a circle of garlic.

Wait, one second.

Ok, I guess that the whole "garlic" thing just doesn't "work" and that I'm a "fool" to keep trying it over and over again. Oh, and the wives say hi.

pssst, use the garlic...

[TrogL]

33. Yes, you're the "fool"

Glad you figured it out. Maybe you need to reverse the procedure.

[TrogL]

35. Can Oscar juggle?

[DuctapeFatwa]

36. unconfirmed reports from amateur radio operators indicate he can now

Apparently Oscar has been befriended by a vacationing cadre of Zapatistas, who have treated him to a long-overdue Mane n Tail treatment, finally rendering his fur soft enough to withstand the bounce necessary to the ancient art of Traditional Zapatista Mango Juggling.

I tried to tell them that AS is en route to escort Oscar to Minnesota, but there was a lot of static and I think they gave him a can of Jumex.

[burrowowl]

38. Viva Zapata!

and Oscar!

[A-Schwarzenegger]

45. Yes. Realities.

[Pobeka]

37. This is weird. I just looked at one of the Orbs under a microscope.

It's not really fur. It's weird, I can't really adequately describe it, but perhaps it will ring a bell with one of you.

I have a REALLY powerful microscope, this is a 1000x professional lab model (I'm at the lab now).

Each strand (I'll call them that for lack of a better word), sort of undulates, when viewed at the microscopic level. And they sort of slither around the other strands, it's almost a metaphysical phenomena. I don't want to sound strange here but you have to think "Bad Sci-Fi movie, with great visual effects" to get the gist of it.

Keep in mind the Orbs are only 5 millimeters in diameter. Perhaps they are approaching 8 millimeters now, if you include the strands in the measurement.

I will keep you all updated. Please send any info along that may be of use in understanding the Orbs.

[TrogL]

39. Try using polarized light

and rotate the filter

[myrna minx]

40. If Oscar makes it to Minneapolis by this evening,

make sure he meets up with his fellow DUers. :p

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=111&topic_id=16261&mesg_id=16261

[Shananigans]

41. GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE!

I was extremely disappointed when I arrived back home this morning after almost 18 hours of searching for Oscar through the ancient Mayan ruins of Mexico, only to see that a moderator had locked our original Oscar thread. How callous! Don't they understand that Oscar is not only a symbol of the everlasting faith of DUers across the country, but my very own little brother? Do they not care?

As I sat in the barn, perplexed and somewhat depressed by the change of events and the fact that all I had found of Oscar was a small tuft of hair, lathered in peanut butter and jelly, stuck in a crevice on the top of a Mayan ruin, I heard a noise. As I looked up I knew that it couldn't be. There was no way... Mexico is nowhere near Minnesota... But it was! OSCAR HAS FOUND HIS WAY HOME.

Although he suffered a few mishaps on his way (some ugly gang folk at the border decided to tar and feather him with PB & J then send him up in a rocket launcher...this explains why he made it back so soon) he is essentially all in one piece and my momma is ecstatic. We are currently in the process of sweeping out the barn to get ready for the welcome home party. Oscar is resting after his long journey. I never thought those snores would be so missed.

A-Schwartz... Do we HAVE to send him back after his vacation is over? Nothin would please us more than to keep him just a little longer...

[bicentennial_baby]

42. Yay!!!

Oscar lives another day!

[A-Schwarzenegger]

44. Oscar is freedom.

Oscar is when you ain't got nothin,
you got nothing left to lose.
You might find, now that you found him,
that you won't be able to keep him
any more than I could. He could be gone and
turn up anywhere, anytime, when you least expect
him, like Allan Funt. Don't forget, he
is so curious and involved in the moment
that sometimes he forgets that he even
exists, which often translates into
trouble, not for him but for whoever happens
to have invaded his creative space. Also, he is
able to affect circumstances at great distance.
You might recall the remote incident. Well,
last night, a large engine began to hum in the
attic. It was only for a moment, as if
it were being tested, as if somebody with a
remote at a great distance, say Minnesota,
was testing to see if it could be turned on by
remote. I went back to sleep and when I woke
I believed it to have been but a dream.

Meanwhile, he could turn up anywhere, oh, say, on
Mars. Do you think it's a COINCIDENCE that the
thing there on the red planet stopped working
just as Oscar went missing? Of course it is. But
remember, he can do things, he can bound, he can
minimize, he can teletranslate himself, he is incurably
curious, he likes to fiddle with machinery, take
it apart and put it back together, or try to. Of
course I am not saying that a mixed animal is
on Mars, because he is there in Minnesota. Not even
he can be in two places at once.

Meanwhile, he called me last night,
apparently after you tucked him in in the barn
or wherever you said you were stashing him. I hooked
the phone up to the olaters. In short, he misses
me. He was crying, he was weeping, he was blubbering,
he was bawling like a sackful of homesick seals. I
let him cry himself out.

"Do you want to come home," I say.

"Not particularly," he says. "By the way," he
says, "did you hear anything in the attic last night,
like, oh, say, a big engine?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Was that you?"

"No, it was a big engine."

"I mean, was that you who started the big engine."

"Don't be silly. From Minnesota?"

"Yes, from Minnesota."

"Just don't go up there."

"I won't."

"Just don't."

"I just said I wouldn't."

There was a moment of heated silence.

I say, "Do you miss me some, or what?"

"Some," he says.

"So, how's Shanneee treating you?"

"She's babying the hell out of me."

"You're her ... brother or something, right?"

"I don't know, I can't keep that stuff straight.
I'm just, like, we're all in this hay bale together.
And speaking of hay, I gotta hit it."

"OK. How was Mexico?"

"Juarez, man. If you ever go there, take
some extra underpants, I'll tell you that."

"What?!?"

"Look, I gotta crash."

"OK, well, be good."

"Only God is good."

"Well, OK. I love you and everything, don't forget."

"I won't. I love everything, too. Oh, could you
send me my drums?"

"Sure."

"OK, bye, Pop."

"Bye, Oscar."

[TrogL]

43. OK, so what am I supposed to do with this stupid remote?

Oscar "borrowed" it awhile ago but it showed up again.

It doesn't work on the stereo receiver.

It makes weird characters appear on the TV screen, sorta like a combination of Runes and Cyrillic and Greek characters.

The cats hiss whenever I try and use it.

It makes my lava lamp fluoresce.

It apparently no longer requires batteries.

[blindpig]

46. try this:

1) attach cat to lava lamp(duck tape, I dunno)
2) place lava lamp on tv
3) prepare to talk to the folks at Sirius Major(or channel Lady Divine)

[Pobeka]

50. I thought you weren't going to click the remote for a while?

The 4 women from Oscarton who started the abortion rights group might be having anger spasms again, if it is in fact related to the remote.

It's best we not mess with the remote until we can do some experiments in a controlled environment.

Lemme see if I can find some extra space here at the lab. I'm still having a hard time finding polarizing filters, believe it or not!

[TrogL]

51. In a pinch you can use

the lenses out of Polarid brand sunglasses.

When the Orbs disappear, take a laser, spread the beam and shine it along the opposite axis.

Tell me what you see.

[Pobeka]

54. Sorry, this is a little fuzzy, the sunglasses were not the best quality...

[TrogL]

58. That's some pretty high-fallutin physics

and somebody's dyslexic and the image is reversed horizontally.

In the upper set of characters, tau indicates time, lambda is a difference and mu is a symbol representing a sub-atomic particle. N is a variable.

This is pointing towards a square structure presumably containing "X" and Omega, both representing Oscar in his final incarnation.

In the lower set of characters we have Alpha reversed, followed by a zodiacal sign representing the constellation Gemini and a pointer reminiscent of the symbols used on the faceplate of Voyager 2. This points towards something resembling a whirlpool or a black hole.

Given that everything appears pretty much backwards and Oscar is known to play loosy-goosy with temporal and synchronistic stuff, my best guess is that we're being warned us not to fiddle with stuff we don't understand, like my remote and the machine in the attic else it causes a rift in the time-space continuum....

...or blows a fuse.

[Shananigans]

59. dude...

that's deep.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

61. Yer one complicated cat, man.

I mean that as praise.

[Rabbit of Caerbannog]

47. Strange mixed-breed animal spotted

near a Greyhound bus station in Okmulgee, Oklahoma. Could it be Oscar? Witnesses said it had eyes that seemed to "look into their very soul"

[A-Schwarzenegger]

48. Antlers! Tusks! Mismatched fur!

Still, there's something ... not ... quite ...
right about it but Thank You for getting the
omnillosctration off the ground.

[Rabbit of Caerbannog]

49. And they say it smelled of bleu cheese?

[Shananigans]

52. Not Oscar, but he does look a lot like my Uncle Filbur as a baby...

Coincidence?

[DuctapeFatwa]

53. Is Oscar adjusting to Minnesota? I am concerned about lutefisk

I have a premonition that if he is exposed to any, he might start building again.

[Shananigans]

55. I'm Sorry...

I haven't been around much this weekend...it's just so great to have Oscar back, though. We have been indulging him in gnowkies, porketta, patitsa and pasties ever since he arrived. Good ol fashion "Iron Range" food, for those of you who understand that.

As of yet, Oscar has not touched the lutefisk. He's a smart cookie!

[A-Schwarzenegger]

60. Hey, he was a vegan when he left here!

Except for the moths, and he didn't really *eat*
them, he just let them kind of ... rot in his mouth.

[DuctapeFatwa]

62. Are you suggesting that Oscar may be the primordial source of lutefisk?

Maybe the tau in the image upthread is intended as an abbreviation, a sign that Oscar and lutefisk present the ultimate illustration of Hegelian ontology.

Which, if true, would explain so much.

Maybe you should check the attic, just in case.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

63. I'm wondering ...

A nuclear lutefisk ark.

[Pobeka]

64. I have 4 more Orbs to analyze. I will get a better pair of sunglasses

I feel so much pressure now. It's the ebb and flow of Oscar, one day I'm elated, next day it's the end of the world.

I don't know if this is an honor or a curse to have the Orbs. In any case, I'll spend at least $11.99 on the next pair of sunglasses. If the next Orb displays the end of the world, do you all want to see it anyway? Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

[DuctapeFatwa]

65. Do the sunglasses block digamma rays?

If not, it wouldn't hurt to spritz them with a little windex.

Or Spray Parkay.

[Pobeka]

67. Oh geeze. It's back to the grocery store. All I have is Blue Bonnet.

[TrogL]

85. That should be fine

You are aware, however, that it's a source of margaraic acid?

[TrogL]

68. Yes, we need to know

We need to prepare to meet our Maker or Oscar (Who may be one and the same).

Has anyone nominated themselves to be High Priestess or (as I suspect) is this me?

[TrogL]

69. Make sure they're Polaroid brand

otherwise they won't polarize. In a pinch I guess we can improvise a diffraction grating. Got any screen door mesh lying around? A really big sieve? Eratosthenes would be pleased.

[Pobeka]

72. Got Em! Polaroid brand no less!

You know how hard it is to find a pair of Polaroids in the Pacific Northwest in winter? REALLY hard. But I have them now. I have crafted a bench device to hold the sunglasses at the proper angle with regard to the reference laser.

I'm upgrading the power of the laser now.

Images may take a while because I have to spread the laser beam by hand, and the stupid nuclear waste trucks keep running in and out of the experimental reactor next door which shakes the whole lab I'm in, especially when the trucks run in to the door.

Hopefully the enhancements will let us know if it's the end of the world we face, or a bowl of oatmeal.

There is tension in the air, do you feel it?

[bicentennial_baby]

66. Kick for Oscar

:kick:

[Shananigans]

73. A Postcard from Oscar...

Hey all...Oscar is just chillin' next to me in the barn right now, but he has given me some information I thought I would share with ya'll... Due to the exteme cold (it's Minnesota, what can I say) and the language barrier between my poor lil bro and I, I will just summarize.

Oscar loves the patitsa we have been feeding him
He misses the plastic bucket
He is considering piercing his upper lip (but also concerned that they wouldn't have a needle thick enough to pierce his skin)
He has been meditating and practicing his "mental" skills daily

I'm not sure what else to say. I am waiting to hear word from A-Schwartz about when Oscar needs to be back. I am assuming that the project in his attic is still waiting to be finished.

In the meantime, I am curious to ask what type of noises ARE coming from your attic... I remember a time growing up when Oscar decided he build something in our attic. We listened to pounding and sawing for months until finally Oscar was finished. It turned out to be a luxery cruiseliner, but we couldn't seem to get it out of the attic. Sad, sad, time for our family.

Anyways, I hope all is well. Please keep Oscar and the family in your hearts and minds as we endure this cold winter air.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

76. You'll know when it's time to let him go.

Don't be afraid because he is one that
you can't make a mistake caring for.
He adjusts to everything, even whatever
patitsa is. As far as if he is eating
everything you feed him, don't be so
sure he is or he isn't. He has a pouch,
you know, where he stores things he likes
as well as things he doesn't.... With respect
to the attic, this is what I've discovered,
and it's not much, but what little it is
may be even more peculiar than if I had
discovered everything. I have broken my vow
to respect his privacy and not look. In fact,
I've gone up there many times. But all I remember,
each time, is opening the attic door, stepping
into the sheer darkness, feeling for the hanging
light chain, and the next thing I know I am
turning *off* the light, going back out the door,
and closing it. Is that clear? I hope so, because
I don't know how else to describe it. I've done
that a dozen times at least, with the same result.
I don't even remember turning the light on.
Either that is all I'm doing--turning the light
on and immediately turning it off again before I
can even see what's there--or else some force has
been installed, like a dream shield or something,
which renders my memory invalid as soon as I
turn off the light. It is like the feeling I
had a trememdous earth-moving visionary dream,
but can not remember one single thing about it,
not one image or detail. The only other thing is
that every time I leave the attic, with no memory
of what I must have seen, I find traces of red dirt
on the soles of my shoes.

[TrogL]

77. That's fairly simple to explain

There's something up there that human eyes are not designed to see.

[Pobeka]

79. A pair of Polaroid sunglasses are needed?

I got an extra pair. I could send them along in the post. Maybe A-Sch would get farther in the attic exploration with them on!

[bubblesby2002]

78. I think you have been teletransparticalized

to the red planet and back
at some point
when Oscar thinks you're ready for it
you will remember everything

[Ellen Forradalom]

74. I think Oscar was created by Edward Gorey

I'm thinking of the Doubtful Guest

[A-Schwarzenegger]

75. Converse High Tops!

I am taken aback.
Oscar wears those!
Except all black,
to match his nose.

[Pobeka]

80. Scan of the second Orb of Oscar

Sorry for the image clarity, it is better, but the lab was shook (again) by the radioactive waste truck running into the side of the waste bay. (An aside, if anyone can drive in a straight line, I bet you can get a job here at the lab...) I was still pleased with the improvement of the image scan, even though the lab shake caused the annoying shadow.

That's the good news, now for the analysis:

I think this spells big trouble. Notice the position of Beta and Theta, reversed from the standard auxalian dimensions. I may get in trouble for letting this out, but what we are looking at here, in my humble opinion (and those of the string physicists here at the lab), is a sub-string particle, and a formula for manipulating it. This may start to explain Oscar's "ability" to appear in many places at the same time, and with somewhat different appearances. But, as I said in the lost briefcase chapter, Oscar is no Uncle Leonard. The obvious algebraic error (exchanging Lambda with Beta), will of course result in a rift in the space-time continuum, but in the presence of iodated margarate, could also create a local collapse, creating a black hole. Right now, I'm really happy Oscar is in Minnesota, and not in Washington.

If you really like lutefisk, you might want to overnight some from Minnesota right away, I'd say the supply is in considerable risk.

Shanneee, if you have any iodated margarate on the premises, I suggest you get rid of it right away!

[Shananigans]

82. Thanks for the warning Pobeka...

Ma DID have some Iodated Margarate on the premises (she uses it for canning rhubarb) but I mailed it to a cousin in Boston for safekeeping. I'd hate to just throw it out.

So I tried explaining to ma some of the tests being done on the Orbs of Oscar. Before I could even finish telling her she braced herself on one of our homemade birch bark chairs and her face turned as white as the freshly fallen snow (all 10 inches of it). I was quite concerned. By the time I had finished explaining about the iodated margarate and standard auxalian positions she had her brown Cub bag out and was breathing into it somethin' fierce trying to get her panic attack under control.

After the episode mom asked me to sit down and started explaining to me how Oscar came to be her son. At this point I'm not sure if I am ready to share such a deep and shameful family secret with you guys and to tell you the truth...after hearing this I'm not sure who I can even trust. Let me just tell you that I had no idea it would turn out this way.

Ma also said that the scans run on Oscar's orbs are most likely accurate and are similar to scans run several years ago (which explains Oscars intense fear of white lab coats and and words that end in the letter x).

Wow...for now I need to digest the truth of Oscar a bit more, but thanks for being so supportive. Ma also says that the Lutefisk supply should be safe for now (as long as we keep the poly giga neutralizer attatched to Oscar's back molar), but if anyone wants to order any she will be happy to hook them up with her friend Lena's husband Sven...he makes the best lutefisk in the world.

Until later...

[TrogL]

84. Yes I can see the problem with iodated margarate

You see, C₁₇H₃₄O₂ (heptadecanoic acid) is a stable compound. Iodating it would presumably cause a valance shift requiring a substitution of one hydrogen ion in the lipid side chain causing an isotope effect (and as a side effect make it useless as a trans-fatty acid).

The local collapse would be caused by a chain reaction of beta particles created by the isotope effect causing iodine to reduce to tin and lithium which would be severely compounded if there's any radon around (perhaps from the basement), which would reduce to gold and carbon (probably in the form of diamond or buckyball), "magically" appearing out of thin air.

Are you sure Oscar isn't engaged in alchemy??

Anyway, as seen from the diagram, these beta particles would be created with an incorrect spin, causing a synchronistic spin reaction in pretty much any matter that happens to be lying about, especially the lithium, which could turn really rancid, so to speak. Rather than its ordinary reaction to water (minor explosion) it would break the weak force in any water molecules present in the atmosphere, causing them to emit charmed quarks. Their presence would in turn destabilize pretty much all matter in the viscinity which would rush in to fill the void (now you can see the importance of lambda), causing the black hole.

[DuctapeFatwa]

87. so the fur is a crystal that resonates at the same frequency as

iodated margarate?

[TrogL]

88. I wish it were that simple

The fur is engrained with a pattern that when exposed to coherent light (the polarizer is just to figure out what direction to aim it) creates a holographic image containing the pictures and formulae above.

While margarate is itself a white crystaline powder in its natural state, when iodized it becomes an orthagonal crystal of unusual properties. I don't have my Handbook of Chemistry and Physics handy (and it's quite old and obsolete) but its yellowish colour is a dead giveaway especially when dissolved in oil for its properties in the treatment of Attention Deficit Disorder and skin problems.

I doubt rubbing it on fur would have any positive effect except possibly as a cure for dandruff.

[DuctapeFatwa]

89. Concerned about carbs, I switched from butter to iodated margarate but

lately I have noticed that when spread on english muffins, instead of pooling in the little holes like it is supposed to do, it turns into a tuft of fur.

I consulted an amateur nutritionist friend who suggested I switch from muffins to bagels and lutefisk but I am not sure this is good advice, as he has recently begun wearing a red plaid vest and making slurping noises at inappropriate times.

So my question is, should I put the unused iodated margarate into little jars and sell it on eBay as a male pattern baldness treatment, or will this only work on english muffins?

[TrogL]

92. I'm not sure what to recommend

Iodated margarate is tricky stuff.

My concern as a baldness treatment it that it may cause darkening of the scalp and changes in hair colour.

My concern as a spread for English muffins is the potential for over-iodizing the consumer. If he is already using iodized salt, then the iodated margarate may be too much to handle, causing thyroid problems of one sort or another. However, if he is NOT using iodized salt and tends to use non-salted butter in baking, this may, in fact, be the ideal solution.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

94. I'm not exactly following all this.

This is not a plan to BAKE Oscar, is it?

[DuctapeFatwa]

97. NOo! It is a plan to harness Oscar's harmonic resonance to help MiniMe

and make Oscar very wealthy.

but apparently there are some unforseen trigometric factors that could interfere.

[DuctapeFatwa]

81. Shanneee is this being related to you? I don't think it is Oscar but

maybe Oscar knows something about it.

[Shananigans]

83. Hmmm...I don't think so, but you never know...

The little guy does look a bit familiar (kind of like a cross between Oscar when he was a newborn and my now deceased grandpa Jack).

I think that if anything this guy might be something of the ferret animal. I can assure you that althogh he does appear to have some human features (Grandpa Jacks nose) he is, indeed, 100% animal.

I hope this helps.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

86. Orange eyes are good.

[Shananigans]

90. No

No they aren't. Have you been letting the iodated margarate get to you?

[DuctapeFatwa]

91. Inquiring minds want to know the terrible secret!

Have you composed yourself enough to reveal it yet?

[TrogL]

93. I know a terrible secret

http://www.jonathonrobinson.com/3.0/web/webtsos.html

[A-Schwarzenegger]

95. ReCoMmEnDeD! kOOKy! ApocOLypTicAloCiouS!

"Please go stand by the stairs."

[blindpig]

96. indeed

there should be more of them, to hell with moderation!

[TrogL]

98. My remote is missing - again

The cats are hiding under furniture and won't come out.

I had left the remote on the coffee table and it's gone. In its place is a dent. In the dent there's a pool of yellow greasy stuff (iodated margarate??) with a bit of fur in it.

The only thing my TV will display is a view of the front entranceway of my apartment, which is fairly wierd because there's no security camera there.

Has anybody checked on Oscar recently?

[DuctapeFatwa]

99. The last we heard, he and Shanneee had just learned the secret

and we are all waiting for them to digest the shocking truth before revealing it to us.

I hope they will digest it soon. I made some Rice Krispie treats with iodated margarate and they taste kind of like plums, plus when I was in the supermarket today I noticed that the lutefisk was sort of glowing, and giving off a barely audible sound somewhere between a slurp and a hum.

[burrowowl]

100. We should ask people at Lake Woe-be-gone if

they have noticed anything strange about their lutefisk.

[Shananigans]

101. No fear....

I am still around. It's been very difficult with Oscar lately. We cannot seem to keep his behaviors under wraps. He wakes up in the middle of the night and does cartwheels down the stairs, he sleeps odd hours (Usually every other hour, but only the odd numbered ones), he has stopped eating all regular food and is living on a diet of Non-Acetone Finger Nail Polish Remover, red candle wax and the ink stick from permanant markers. I just don't understand. I love Oscar so much, but his behavior is just getting stanger.

Just the other day he showed up after 5 hours of being missing and he had a bag full of goodies that he wouldn't let us near. After he fell asleep during one of his "odd hour" naps I peeked inside. There I found three pounds of Iodated Margarate (isn't he supposed to be staying away from that), a picture of Dan Quayle, 3 potatoEs, a lightbulb (smashed to pieces), a black RCA TV Remove, and a Compact Disc. As of yet, I have no clue what type of information is stored on the disc, but I am waiting for the first chance I get to check it out. I just need to figure out how, without Oscar noticing. Any ideas.

As for the "secret" I have been instructed not to tell at the moment. If I were to tell you of how Oscar came to be my momma's son, the sensitive information might leak out and then...well, then I can't fathom what would happen.

Be patient, my friends. Soon enough we will uncover all these mysteries. Until then...keep your hats on and your posessions close by.

[TrogL]

102. Let him keep the remote

It doesn't work on my TV anymore since he did whatever he did with it. I used to use it because it would let me control my stereo as well but I've got another remote that will do that.

The lightbulb may be mine as well - I've got several missing.

You might want to find out what's on that CD. Post anything that looks technical.

[Pobeka]

103. Not afraid, but disturbed. Get the iodated margarate away from Oscar!

We're all certain that it's "when" not "if" the local black hole will form with Oscar being around iodated margarate.

I would be a shame if we lost Oscar, you and a significant amount of lutefisk to a rare but disastrous quantum anomoly.

I'm really sorry to hear of Oscar's strange behaviour. Though I've never been directly in his (her?) presence, I've developed quite a fondness for the furball.

The Compact Disc sounds very important. I think it's a music CD. My hunch is Oscar has a passionate love for Ethel Merman music, and that's what you'll find on the CD. If you can play it, it might calm him down and stop his extreme behaviour.

I'm upgrading my holographic rig here at the lab one more time -- I was looking again at that last picture, and I think the fur on the Orbs of Oscar are actually multi-spectrally enhanced holographic data.

Another note, the fur on the Orbs of Oscar is retracting a little, sort of like they're "aware" of my attempts to read the data and this is a self-defense mechanism. So I've put the Orbs back into the experimental reactor room -- which is totally devoid of photons, though other particles are screaming around the room.

Good luck with Oscar over the weekend Shanneee.

[DuctapeFatwa]

104. Whispered rumors of coded lutefisk references in Ethel Merman music

have long fascinated students of both showtunes and seafood atrocities alike for generations. Perhaps Oscar has undertaken a study of this phenomenon, and if his hunch is correct, his findings could shed some light, and fur, on many unanswered questions about iodated margarate.

[Pobeka]

105. OMG! Yes! Play the CD -- Backwards! n/t