Married DU Women. Did you take his name?

[rbnyc]

This is inspired by another thread. Personally, I kept my name; I would never take another person's name; I've spent my whole life creating the person that my name represents and I'm not interested in giving up that work; I think that it has absolutely nothing to do with how committed I am to my husband and family; and I do think it's sexist that it's the woman who is expected to make this choice.

How about you?

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. While I have no problem with people who choose to keep their own

name, I took my husband's name. The incredible things this man has done for me and with me (adopted my daughter, nursed me back to health) I am proud to bear his name. But let me underscore that I don't think it makes a big difference. This was just a personal decision on my part. :hi:

[rbnyc]

4. I respect that 100%.

It's your choice and it meant something to you to do it.

Thanks MrsGrumpy.

:hi:

[ScreamingMeemie]

8. That and my "real" last name isn't Grumpy. Heehee.

;)

[Bertha Venation]

2. the obligatory comment by a lesbian :-)

When her parents are gone, pray God not for a long time, I will take Mrs. Venation's name, for several reasons, two of which are: 1. I want the world to know we are married, and this is another way to show it, and 2. my last name is a bitch.

[rbnyc]

6. Wow, I almost never leave out the non-hetero perspective.

I guess it is a different issue for same sex couples who have been denied the right to create legally recognized families. I wonder if I'd have had a different attitude if I'd ended up with a woman. Maybe I'd have hoped she'd take my name.

[Bertha Venation]

13. No worries.

Your poll didn't really lend itself to the non-het. perspective, because for us there isn't that expectation of female-to-male subjugation. (Not saying that everyone has that expectation, and certainly not saying that it's valid.)

[afraid_of_the_dark]

11. By you taking her last name

It's a really powerful message you can send. Not to mention a sweet gesture (and a way to get rid of a disliked last name)!

[Richardo]

Yeah - "Venation"

:D

Kudos to you, Bertha! :thumbsup:

[soleft]

3. well - for us artistic types, it's particularly hard

Cause I was going to use his name and keep mine for acting and writing, but then I had two names, and it made me feel scitzo - plus, once my last name wasn't Italian anymore, almost felt like part of my identity was missing, so after a few months of using his name, I ditched it and just went back to being me.

[rbnyc]

9. How about as a mom?

How do you feel about having the same or different last name from one's children?

[soleft]

15. I feel okay, I'll have to ask sonofsoleft how he feels

I think he'd prefer to have my last name cause it's shorter and easier to pronounce.

[afraid_of_the_dark]

5. I was looking forward to changing my name...

My new one is shorter, easier to spell, and further up in the alphabet (granted, this would have been better when I was in grade school, but I'll take it however I can get it).

I think it would have been a different story if I had already been published, or established many business contacts under my maiden name. My spouse and I talked it over before we were married, and he said he would support whatever decision I made. It was because of his willingness to let me choose that led to my decision. Gotta love a man who isn't hung up on sexist ideals of what a woman should do after marriage! :)

[rbnyc]

7. Cool.

My spouse and I talked it over before we were married, and he said he would support whatever decision I made. It was because of his willingness to let me choose that led to my decision. Gotta love a man who isn't hung up on sexist ideals of what a woman should do after marriage!

That's very important. Thanks for posting. Hearing all the different perspectives is reducing the anger that inspired the poll.

[Blue_Chill]

10. DU male has a question

Do you out there find that men get upset if you refuse or do the two name thing?

I don't like the not taking his name at all thing, unless of course there is a reason (name recognition). I always thought both partners should decide which name they want to go with and go with it. I don't care if it's his hers or both.

[rbnyc]

17. I can't think of a single example...

...of a man who's taken his wife's name at marriage. If it were more common, I might not have so much resentment around the issue.

In a way, my feelings are contradictory. I think a name is important. My name means something to me. I've invested in its meaning and I want to keep it. (Plus, my name is just really, really cool.)

At the same time, I think a name is just a name. It's a superficial emblem. It is not what makes a family.

My dad's best friend is not my dad's brother and does not share my dad's last name, but he's my uncle and his daughter is my cousin, because we act like a family.

Yet I have 2 cousins who are actually blood related and share my last name, and I've never even met them. I'm estranged from that part of the family.

Behavior makes a family. Love makes a family. Names don't have much to do with it at all.

My husband never even wondered if I'd take his name. And he's not in the least bothered that we don't have the same last name.

When we have a child s/he will have both our last names hyphenated in whatever order sounds best with his or her first name.

I've never met a man before who had a problem with a woman keeping her own name until today in the lounge.

[Blue_Chill]

25. I think some sort of name sharing/taking is cool

I just falls in the whole dedicated to eachother uber romantic idealist dream I still hold on to. But I've never cared who's name is taken and in what order two names are placed.

[afraid_of_the_dark]

19. I've known men who have gotten really angry at their fiancees

when they wanted to hyphenate. It's so much of a problem that our spiritual advisor talked it over with us when we were preparing for marriage - apparently, not enough people have this conversation before they are married! Whether it's for reasons of tradition or convenience, this issue can cause a lot of heartache in a relationship.

[Heddi]

12. I took his name

to me, my maiden name was a symbol of the 'single' me, the non-grownup me. The 'still live with my mom' me.

When I got married, my husband and I were creating our own branch of the family tree. Even though we don't have children, we are our own family.

In my eyes, had I kept my maiden name, I would have been not committing myself to our new family unit. It's hard to explain--I mean, I have a great relationship with my mother, but my time with her is done. I'm a married woman now, not a girl who's dating someone.

Taking my husband's name was a symbolic moment for me. It was done at the time we got married. It was done at the time that I felt I did the first "adult" thing of my life.

I'm still the same person I was before I was married, soul-wise, but I"m a different person also. The taking of his name, to me, symbolized a transition from lofty goofy-girl to lofty married woman. It was a transition.

I had breifly thought about having a hyphenated name, but seeing how my maiden name gave me 24 years of mis-spellings and mis-pronounciations, and my married name gives just as many misspellings and mispronounciations, I decided to spare the world the trouble of correctly spelling AND pronouncing two difficult names, and just stick with his, which is much easier to spell (only one constanant) and much easier to pronounce than my maiden name was....

And I should add that I never felt 'pressure' to change my name. I don't think it was a given that i would, and my husband and I talked extensively about it and even though about him changing HIS last name to mine, but again the spelling and pronounciation is a big issue for me, and I really thought it would be unfair to have children with a last name nearly 10 letters long, odd combinations of vowels and constanants, etc. That's why we chose his. Ease and flexibility :)

[glarius]

14. This could result in a REALLY LONG name!

The point I would make is this.... if you have children....they then have a hyphenated name, and the hyphenated names marry resulting in more hyphenation....After a few generations this could eventually result in a really long hyphenated name!
Example...Female Smith marries male Jones....their daughter is Smith-Jones....her daughter is Smith-Jones-Brown....ad infinitum....See what I mean?....:D

[rbnyc]

20. Good point.

LOL

We've been planning to hyphenate for our child. But our other option is to use one of our last names as the middle name.

[dolo amber]

16. Hyphenated

I voted 'other' although I might've voted "Kept my name because I'm an actress" etc. I am not, in fact, an actress, but I did have other reasons similar to that one. Y'know how when the year changes, and the first million checks you write you have to scratch out the old year and re-write it because you are just in that habit? I was pretty sure that's what life-long fate awaited me if I were to no longer have my last name, and rather than take that chance, I figured I'd just tack his onto the end of mine. :D

And, considering we're now divorced, it seems to have been the best idea. ;)

[rbnyc]

21. I forgot to make hyphenated an option.

Sorry.

[eyesroll]

18. Voted other, took his name because it was easier to pronounce than mine

I made a decision pretty early on.
I would take a name that's easier to pronounce or spell than my maiden name (Rosenzweig). I would keep Rosenzweig if the name was even more difficult, or if it was something like Lipshitz (the giggle factor was important to me). Or Bush or Reagan, probably. (Hell, I think anyone I would marry might actually want to change his name FROM Bush or Reagan.)

I use both names -- Stacie Rosenzweig Whitacre -- among political circles, but not legally, professionally or in most social situations. (I actually kind of like using both names, even though there's 18 letters between them.)

[scarlet_owl]

22. I took his name because I already had a hyphenated name

my whole life and I hated it. It was too long and it was a hassle on some forms. It is so much nicer having one single, easy to spell name so I don't have to spell it out for people anymore. Edited for spelling.

[Scout]

23. names

First marriage, I did not change anything at all about my name. His mother said I didn't change it so I wouldn't have to bother changing it back when we divorced!! She said that before we ever had any marital problems! Did she know her son was a shit that I'd end up divorcing? Even though I didn't change it, I kept getting mail to Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. Most people never bothered to ask what I was doing, most just ASSUMED I changed my name. Plus the stupid attitudes I'd get from people when explaining we were married, even though our names were different.

I really hate being addressed as Mrs. Hislastname ... I am not "Mrs." anybody, I am and always have been a Ms.--while I was a young single woman, then while I was a young married woman, then as a divorced woman, and now as a married for the second time woman, I am Ms. not Mrs.

The second time I married, my fiance tried to pull that "but how do you show your commitment to the marriage if you don't change your name?" business ... so I asked him the same question ... how was HE showing his commitment to our marriage? he said with the engagement ring, but I told him no go--I offered to buy him an engagement ring too, but he did not want one. Good thing for him he didn't try the ultimatum thing ... 'cuz we'd have not gotten married at all if he tried that! If your man tries that, run screaming in the other direction. Don't start your marriage with a manipulation/power play.

When it got right down to it, I did end up changing my name this time, to Myfirstname Mybirthlastname Hislastname. I still do NOT like to be addressed as Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname ... cuz me/my name aren't in there anywhere, it's all him. I did continue to go by my birth name for work purposes, but now I've left that job/industry where I was known by that name. I sometimes wish I hadn't changed it this time either ... it is a hassle getting a new social security card, new drivers license, new car title, new home title, new credit cards, updating doctor's offices, prescriptions, etc. etc. Once that is done, I guess the worst of it is over.

I kind of hated to "knuckle under" and change it the second time, but I just don't have the time/energy to spend correcting all the people in all the places who would consistently get it wrong, and act like they were just so put out by me not changing my name.

I'd say either don't change it at all, or keep your last name as a middle name (no hyphens, then you have another set of problems!)

Good luck ... Live long and prosper!

[rbnyc]

24. Hi Scout.

I also go by Ms. and not Mrs.

It doesn't bother me when we get mail to Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName. I think it's kind of cute, and I think of Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName as this kind of third entity that we created, kind of a shield between the mainstream world and the real us.

That sucks that your X thought that buying a ring meant showing commitment. I guess he was immature.

I am also starting to realize the problem with hyphens too. So I think our kid, when we have one, will have one of our names as a middle name and one as a last name.

Thanks for your post.

[afraid_of_the_dark]

26. I can understand your frustration

"I still do NOT like to be addressed as Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname ... cuz me/my name aren't in there anywhere, it's all him."

Even though I chose to take my husband's last name, I don't like being addressed in this manner either. I did not choose his name just so I/my name could be left out completely, or "assimilated" as a piece of his property. I'm my own person, not an appendage or extension of my husband.

[Pithlet]

27. I took his

And gladly, because I hate my maiden name. Not that it is bad by itself, but paired with my name it sounds bad. I don't know what my parents were thinking.

[Heddi]

29. :snort:

I know what you mean. My first name and my maiden name together sounds like....someone clearing their throat or something.

I feel bad for kids I knew in school that had names (I swear) like Candy Caine, Johnny Johnson, Jack Jackson, Stormy Weathers----what are parents THINKING??? I even went to school with a boy named Christo Ball and another named Mike Hunt..... I mean, did the parents even THINK of what the first and last names sounded like together? Did they think they were being CUTE?

Several of these kids did change their names legally when they were able to...I don't blame them

[Cleita]

28. For purely selfish reasons, I took his name.

My maiden name is really easy to make into a name calling name. I lived with that name calling all through school, so I was more than happy to take his name, which is also a rather common name and can't be changed into something mean.

[sybylla]

30. Other - gladly took his name, now wish I hadn't

For a variety of small reasons, but mainly one big one - my own history.

I have been an amateur genealogist for over 15 years and have had nothing but trouble researching the history of my female ancestors in this country because every record of them after their marriage is based upon their married name. I quickly discovered how exceedingly difficult it is to find birth information or anything else about these women before they were married, not to mention the fact that the lives of women have been historically one of the most poorly documented facet of our culture.

Yeah, I know things are different now and if John Ashcroft has his way, my decendents will have a bevy of information by which to research me. But I see changing my name as erasing every aspect of what made me me. Today, if I introduce myself to someone, they only know me as wife of, not daughter of or sister of or native of or any other number of aspects potentially communicated by my maiden name. The loss of my maiden name means that I am defined differently by those who know me by another name.

Had I the chance to do it all over again, I would at least hyphenate my name or keep my maiden name as my middle name.

[Cleita]

43. Actually this is done in Spanish for both male and female.

Each child carries both his mother's and father's surname. Married women maintain their maiden names as well as their husband's with the notation that she is wife of or widow of her husband. However, it becomes sexist where the husband doesn't have to acquire his wife's name as husband of.

[Alenne]

31. I took his name and regret doing it

I don't have a connection to his name.

[Flaxbee]

32. Yup, happy to do so...

He's got a very nice last name, and mine was always endlessly mangled, misspelled, mispronounced, mis-everything'd. The only hesitation was that my dad was a little blue, since he had only girls. I like forming this unit with him.

[flamingyouth]

33. I kept my name

For various reasons.

My husband wanted me to keep my name. My mother had a fit, saying, "People are going to think you're just living together!" :eyes:

Oh, that would be the worst thing in the world. ;-)

[rene moon]

34. I kept my name

Why? Because it's my name and I love it. My husband's last name is nice but it's not mine. Plus, he is a White boy and this Latina wants to keep this very important cultural name intact(there are no boys in my family). I have thought about being Rene Moon Mylastname His Last Name but I know people will only call me by HisLastName but it's "too hard" to say more than one name.

It has nothing to do with committment and whether or not I was "ready to get married". Boy, just reading some of these posts make me irritated!!

[EdWesKer]

35. This is a straw 'man'!

Father's name or Husband's name?

If one wishes to make a statement, one must create a new name.

A friend of mine changed her last name to "Freedom" when she came of age.

[rbnyc]

39. Not quite.

I have thought about that aspect, but I think to create something new in order to avoid having the male name is kind of pretentious and ineffective. The difference is, I was born with my last name, despite the flawed tradition that produced it. I've identified with this name my whole life. If I haven't changed it before, why would I change it to some arbitrary third name when I get married?

I do support your friend, and I don't mean to say that she's pretentious. But I don't think this is quite a straw man situation.

[RhodaGrits]

42. Yes - father's name or husband's name

that was how i looked at it. My given first name was a gift from my parents, my middle name is my mom's first name, my "maiden" name was my father's last name and the last name I use now is my husband's... since my father was the source of some of my greatest heartache and pain it was no burden to add husband's. I use all 4 names now and give the system trouble because I have 2 middle initials and thats their problem, not mine. Each of the names is a part of who I am - for better or worse - and none define me.

[EdWesKer]

36. This is a straw 'man'!

Father's name or Husband's name?

If one wishes to make a statement, one must create a new name.

A friend of mine changed her last name to "Freedom" when she came of age.

[Snow]

37. Re the subjegation thing, and other cross-cultural issues...

In Korea, and many other parts of Asia, women do not change their names upon marriage. That doesn't necessarily mean they hold equal status to their husbands, although that can happen, and sometimes in the oddest places (look up King Kojong and Queen Min). Also, there's still a strong tendency for a mother to be known by her oldest son or oldest child's name, viz. "Freddie's Mom". Names aren't really as important a part of one's identity in Korea as here. It used to be that country Koreans would use a baby name up to a certain age so the evil spirits wouldn't be envious & take away the baby - so you'd see some really repulsive names, and occassionally those would continue to adulthood. I knew a guy named Dogshit Kim, for example. Most commonly, people are referred to by their occupation or by how they're related to you, in some real serious detail. Advice to people marrying into aristocrat Asian families: these relationship details are real complicated and real important to your in-laws - get 'em right, dammit!

So, a bit off topic, but sometimes things aren't what they appear. Korean language also does not have gender-specific personal pronouns - doesn't mean Koreans aren't sexist.

[rbnyc]

40. Very interesting. Thanks. (nt)

[OKNancy]

38. I voted other...kept my name professionally

but took his name on a personal basis...kids and all that.

[areschild]

41. The first time I got married

I used his name. It never felt right and it wasn't me. After we divorced, I went back to my maiden name. When our son was 9 years old, I had his name changed to mine. (Last name, of course). I didn't even know where the father was at that time. I'm married again, and still use my own name. It's the name I was born with; my identity.

[populistmom]

44. I took his name

Once in awhile for certain things (like corresponding with someone who knew me before I was married) I hyphenate, but for almost everything (including all the legal stuff) I use my married name. I don't have have a problem with changing my name. The only thing I don't like is that my name is Sarah and my last name also starts with an "S" and I don't rather like the sound of it together. I think with children, everyone having the same last name makes everything easier.