I need to vent before I lose my mind

[Marrah_G]

My daughter is 16 almost 17. I let her start dating someone a couple years older then her. She was happy and he seemed nice. Before long we realized he was not only an idiot, but also manipulative and controlling. He can't hold a job and has no future. He has bi-polar, goes to anger management and comes from an abusive home (just found all this out) He called her at all hours and has not respected our rules. We've tried to limit her seeing him but that hasn't worked much either.

She will be 17 at the end of August and 6 weeks ago I found out her had given her an engagement ring a few months before and that he is really a year older (now 20). I made her give back the ring and the cell phone he gave her and forbid them to see each other until her father and I could decide what to do. They just went behind my back and he gave her the cell phone again. That was the last straw for both her father and I am we sat them both down and told them flat out there was to be zero contact in any form. I also found out this man was having sex with her.

He has completely turned her against her family and she went from a responsible respectable girl to one I don't even know anymore. She lies all the time (and now I find she's been lying about everything for a year). We found out yesterday they are still talking and he snuck her cell phone back to her AGAIN. When my ex called him he laughed and said there wasn't anything we could do, they would still be together and she was moving into an apartment with him when she turns 18.

We called and spoke to his mother and she isn't having any better luck talking to him.

So now I am heading to the courthouse after work to file a restraining order on this punk, since the age of consent is 16 here.

Being a parent is the scariest thing in all the world. You do the best you can and still some little asshat can come along and destroy your child's future.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...... I really want to beat the snot out of him.

Now I have to give up my child and send her to live with her father, at least for the summer since I am a single mother and have to work and can't be home to make sure she isn't seeing him. His wife is a stay-at-home mom.

I've never hated someone so much in my life, I really wish he would just slink off and die somewhere.

If the court can't help me today my daughter is going to end up living with a loser in a run down trailer running after a bunch of kids she can't afford because she couldn't go to school and he can't hold a job.

okay...rant off...wish me luck, I leave in 45 mins....sigh

[DS1]

1. it might be wise to edit

since your daughter might get on the computer, and then tell the judge about the part where you wanted to beat him up

[Midlodemocrat]

2. Man, I feel for you.

My daughter is sixteen, soon to be 17. It's a tough age.

You're doing the right thing by sending her off if you can't keep them apart. Especially in light of the anger management stuff.

:hug:

[Zuiderelle]

3. But if she's 16, and the age of consent is 16, what good would it do to file a restraining order?

[skygazer]

4. I hate to tell you this but you're driving her straight to him

Mind you, I don't have any easy answers but the best way to insure that your kid will date the person you don't want them to is to forbid them to do it. It doesn't work - it never works. You cannot expect to make it work unless you lock her up and that doesn't work either. Look at Rapunzel.

Even if she wanted to break up with him now, she's not going to because she'd see it as admitting she was wrong and you were right. Like I said, I don't have all the answers but I have been in a similar situation and found that when I kept the lines of communication open, registered my concerns without issuing ultimatums and let myself trust my daughter's innate common sense a little bit, she came to her senses within about 6 months and realized the guy she was with was a loser. And we laugh about it now (thankfully).

Also, I don't quite see how you can get a restraining order based on the age of consent since she is that age.

[BarenakedLady]

5. I'd have to agree

I know that is how I would have reacted at that age.

[Marrah_G]

6. We tried waiting it out and hoping they would break up

It just got worse and worse though.

The sad thing is the lines of communication were open, or though I thought. Instead it was me communicating and them lying to me at every turn.

[Marrah_G]

7. The judge granted the restraining order.

Apparently he has 2 assault with a weapon charges, one still pending. Coupled with the sex, isolation, controlling behavior and mental issued it was enough to get a temp order. With the other charges pending he might not show up to fight the order. She's going to stay with her father for the summer starting tommorrow morning and hopefully that will be enough time to break the hold he has over her so we can get her in counseling. It also gives the police more grounds if he tries to take her out of state to his family on the other coast. He can't come within 300 yards of her, either house or her school.

I have a glimmer of hope that I can get her back to normal now, before she ends up pregnant and/or abused. I swear parenting is the toughest job in the world.

[Kali]

15. is she really going to do what you say? I would be worried about her

running away. I agree with Skygazer - this kind of parental behavior can just drive a kid right in the wrong direction...no easy answers from me either - I was more like your kid - did all kinds of stupid things because they forbid them....

[Marrah_G]

16. Well we have tried everything else

Nothing has worked and it just gotten worse. With one assault with a dangerous weapon charge still pending he may think twice about violating the order. Trust me, this was a lst resort, if this doesn't work then all we have left is to watch her throw away her life.

[Haole Girl]

8. How horrible

No words of wisdom for you, just some of these.. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Inchworm]

9. How is this going so far?

My daughter is now 19, and we went through a very similar situation from age 15 to 18.

I never pushed any action against her or her BF, but I sure made it clear that I didn't approve. In hindsight, I think even that was enough to rationalize my daughter's decision to stay with him as long as she did.

Dad says no.. do it!

I did emphasize all the fears you mentioned. The big ones.
-stay in school till you graduate
-don't get married
-don't get pregnant
-just because hes doing drugs doesn't mean you have to
-don't smoke cigarettes

etc. etc. etc.

I hope it all works out the way you are approaching these years with daughter. I can only go by experience, but if there is anything you don't want out in open feel free to PM me if you think I might can help.

:hug:

[Marrah_G]

11. Thanks Inchworm

I'll pm later when I have collected my thoughts some.

[lost-in-nj]

10. HUGS

been there done that
My daughter who is 24 now..
had us up at night wondering what
the hell was happening to our beautiful girl....
It was tough,, we actually had to call the ambulance because she was
threating suicide.....
The ONLY thing that saved her (and I am not saying your daughter is even in the place mine was)
the boyfriend cheated on her......
It woke her up.....
She broke up with him and met her now fiancee...


:hug:
I hope she "wakes" up soon.......
it was the summer before senior year that she smartened up
lost

[Marrah_G]

12. I really hope she does too

My biggest hope is that being away for the summer, filled with LOTS of activities with other families (they go camping and to the beach and there is a big extended portuguese family there) will help her begin to see straight again. It's her last summer before senior year also, so I pray she figures it out like your daughter did.

I hope you approve of her new fiance!

thank you so much for the hugs.

[lost-in-nj]

13. Marrah

fiancee is a prince.....

:)


lost

[FloridaJudy]

14. It sounds as if you've done the right thing

Sending her to stay with your ex. Maybe once she gets a bit of distance from this trainwreck, she'll realize she's better off without him. Of course, I also remember how pig-headed I was at that age, so I wish you the best of luck.

I certainly had my share of troubles with my own son. Being a single, working mother is the toughest job in the world. I tried to watch him like a hawk, but you can't stay shackled to your teen 24 hours a day. I did my share of bailing him out of juvie: nothing worse than truancy and misdemeanor marijuana possession, thank God! I understand now why the rich ship their kids to boarding school as soon as humanly possible.

Fortunately, he's outgrown the worst of it, and is now working his way through college. They do eventually mature, if they manage to survive adolescence.

Hugs!!! :hug:

[Marrah_G]

17. You guys that have been through it are giving me hope

I thank you for that so much.

I think a summer away, without contact, with new things to do and some counseling on the side may just work. At least I hope it will.