Give me some totally horrific and inappropriate lies for my resume

[Rabrrrrrr]

Stuff like:

1941-1945: Commandant Auschwitz Pleasure Vacation Resort for Jews, in charge of providing entertainment and activities for a clientèle of varying ages and physical abilities, religious interests, and health status, in all-inclusive resort-like atmosphere.

2001-2006: Professional Small Business Owner, overseeing private lab with three employees making and distributing methamphetamine for teenage demographic, as well as lead man on target demographic-appropriate marketing in print media, slogans, and word of mouth. CAGR of 52% from 2001 to 2006.

1991-1993: Mostly spent in heroin and speedball haze, but I'm pretty sure I was a serial killer, proactively seeking out victims and dispatching them without discovery. Increased efficiency over those two years by 700%. All murders still unsolved due to diligence in avoiding detection.

[Fire Walk With Me]

1. I am afraid, dear sir, that there are no liars here at DU. Fulfill your fantasies elsewhere!

(Didn't think this thread would drop without response, so there...)

[XemaSab]

2. 1900-1915: Professional cook

Served as personal chef to seven different families in New York State, as well as institutional cook at New York Hospital. Light housekeeping, nursing duties. 53 people infected with typhoid. References.

[bicentennial_baby]

7. ....

:spray:

We have a winnah! :rofl:

PS- Anthony Bourdain's book about Typhoid Mary is awesome! :D

[Left Is Write]

3. April 1912: Iceberg spotter, RMS Titanic

[pagerbear]

4. April 1949 - August 1952: Pookah

Companion to inveterate tippler. Duties included going here and there, doing this and that, and how are you Mr. Rabrrrrrr.......

[xmas74]

6. didn't he go to Akron once?

Seems like he didn't care for it.

[pagerbear]

11. It was the all-beer, no-whiskey plan he didn't care for!

Akron itself seemed as fine a place as any other.

[xmas74]

12. That was what he didn't like!

I couldn't remember what he didn't like about it.

[KitchenWitch]

5. 1941-1945 Luftwaffe pilot!

[Rob H.]

8. 1995-1998: Certified Professional Lifelessness Accelerator

Building on previous experience gained in 1991-1993, worked with clients to minimize competition through aggressive use of deceleration trauma via high-altitude freefall, applied solenoid-activated vehicular detonation, and targeted distribution of high-velocity copper-jacketed projectiles. Employee of the Year, 1997.

[philosophie_en_rose]

9. 2003-present . . . Regular Guest on NBC Reality Show, Mentoring Impressionable Girls Online

:rofl:


Reference:

C. Hanson
30 Rockefeller Center
New York, New York

[The Straight Story]

10. 2002 - Crack dealer and pimp to the stars, 2003 bush cabinet member

2004-present carry the nuclear football by day, spy for the chinese by night

[Zomby Woof]

13. 2005-present

You're Cindy Sheehan's secret studmuffin.

[otherlander]

14. 1983: Chinese Minister of Crowd Control

[LostInAnomie]

15. 2007: AVN Award winner for Best New-Cumer and Best Cock Flogging.

Or should I say "the highly competitive Best Cock Flogging category".

[mitchum]

16. 2000-Present: NAMBLA Youth Outreach Coordinator

[Fire Walk With Me]

17. You see? All of it, every word, true. There are no liars here, sir.

[PVnRT]

18. 1971-1976: Biological Waste Disposal Coordinator in Uganda

Let your imagination run wild...(sorry, I just watched "The Last King of Scotland" last night)

[Phentex]

19. Ongoing: Freelance Melamine Safety Inspector and

while there are no published reports to confirm, purportedly coined the phrase "Melamine. It's what's for dinner."

[BikeWriter]

20. Uh, lie and say you're human?

:shrug:

[NoPasaran]

21. 1971: Wrote and recorded Top 40 hit "Brand New Key"

[BikeWriter]

22. LOL! No shit, a girl friend who used to sing that to me is back in town.

[EstimatedProphet]

23. 1994: Raido broadcaster for Radio Télévision Libre des Mille Collines in Rwanda

Duties: broadcast communications from emerging political faction as means of communicating with field personnel. Coordinate field personnel activities with faction leadership. Energize field personnel with lively entertaining discussion of adversaries' faults and weaknesses. Give coded messages to field personnel for movement and "police activities". Also some light jazz broadcasts.

[datasuspect]

24. 2001 - 2004: Test Subject, Anal Tolerance Trials, UCLA

[mikeytherat]

25. Under Achievements/Accomplishments: "They never found the bodies."

mikey_the_rat

[NewJeffCT]

26. Wrote, Produced & Directed: 'Gigli' and 'From Justin to Kelly'

if that's not horrific...

[Rabrrrrrr]

27. and sat through 100 consecutive viewings of Ishtar and loved every minute of it!

[TheBaldyMan]

28. since my dishonourable discharge from the Navy ...

I have been in and out of the slammer like a yo-yo.

[XemaSab]

48. Old naval traditions die hard,

but getting rum in jail is a challenge. :P

[Hugin]

29. 1933 - May 6, 1937: Zeppelin Landing Specialist (III) Lakehurst NAS, New Jersey.

Fill in the particulars yourself. You might want to mention your perfect record handling the Los Angeles,
the Macon, the Shenandoah, and the Akron as well.

[Gormy Cuss]

30. 2001: researcher, navel lint

Based on this work, awarded an Ig Nobel Prize in 2002

[Rabrrrrrr]

31. Only one in history of college voted "Most Self-Serving and Malicious". By write-in votes.

[DS1]

32. You pioneered the "wire-Darfur" project, bringing Internet capability

to the impoverished nation, and then locked down every site but a live-webcam of a pool-side buffet in Vegas.

[NewJeffCT]

33. Manager - Olive Garden

Sorry, couldn't resist that one.

[DS1]

34. Went on an undercover Volunteer mission to assist NBC's "To Catch a Predator"

by personally finding all the real teenage girls and copulating with them, then blacklisting them from local bulletin boards thus steering the real predators towards the police bait.

[DS1]

35. Shot Lennon for wearing white after labor day, then kicked a drugged Chapman out of your cab

[guitar man]

36. wtf??

1941-1945: Commandant Auschwitz Pleasure Vacation Resort for Jews, in charge of providing entertainment and activities for a clientèle of varying ages and physical abilities, religious interests, and health status, in all-inclusive resort-like atmosphere.

Rabrrrr is Tony Snow?? Who knew :shrug:

[Hugin]

37. 1998 - 2002: CEO of 'Uzis for Tots' pilot program in West Africa.

[slj0101]

38. Entertainer/Painter, Pogo the Clown, Inc. (1972-1978)

[XemaSab]

49. booo...

:rofl:

[EstimatedProphet]

39. 1995-Present: Layout designer, Chick Tracts Inc.

[taterguy]

40. 1965: Invented cell phone

[Giant Robot]

41. 2000 years ago

Event planner for local religious figure and his party of disciples. Succeeded in pulling off a very nice supper.

[NewJeffCT]

42. How about: Cross Manufacturer around that same time?

Or, was that Bill Clinton?

[formerrepuke]

43. mid-1940s: Fertility doctor/specialist to George HW and Barbara Bush...n/t

[Rabrrrrrr]

44. 1991-1999 - traveled country peeing in potholes to keep space demons from breaking out

from underground, in preparation for year 2000 massive uprising of the dead.

[Beer Snob-50]

45. 2000-Current

headhunter for girls gone wild videos. i helped recruit young girls with low self esteem and big boobs to show what they got.

[Beer Snob-50]

46. 2000-Current

headhunter for girls gone wild videos. i helped recruit young girls with low self esteem and big boobs to show what they got.

[Rabrrrrrr]

47. 1972-1977 - Was "Human Jackhammer" at El Paso live sex club