Divorced People: Advice for Singles?

[Jack_Dawson]

She really wants to get hitched. I love her, so don't want to ruin it by slapping a label on it. Plus, we fight a lot. And make up a lot. But it's a roller coaster. Not sure I want to ride it the rest of my life.

:beer:

[RetroLounge]

1. Then don't...

If you have doubts, then follow your gut.

RL

[PassingFair]

2. How long have you known each other? n/t

[Jack_Dawson]

4. Since 2000

We dated from 2000-2001, broke up and didn't speak til 2003, then got back together and it's been on and off since. I believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I think part of me likes the drama. But part of me doesn't want to marry the drama.

[PassingFair]

13. You've been jerking each other around for seven years!

It's time to decide for or against, I'm afraid.

If you throw her overboard, you WILL NOT get her back.

Just warning you.

[HERVEPA]

20. BPD? run! run! run! Read the book "Walking on Eggshells"

[Jack_Dawson]

24. I've read it!

That's the weird part. Why do you say run...have you been there?

[HERVEPA]

27. Yes I've been there. Was married thirty years.

It has been a huge relief to get out.

Why 30 years?
1) BPD sucks you in.
2) The kids (who, incidentally, have turned out great)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

3. dont marry into a rollercoaster arrangement.

it can be exciting for a bit but after a decade i am pretty sure it wears you thin

[Connonym]

5. nothing fucks up your financial picture more than a divorce

Divorce is easy to get but even when it's amicable it's still a mess.

If she's not willing to wait until you're sure then maybe it isn't the right thing.

[Jack_Dawson]

15. Can you elabourate on that?

Why does it fuck up your financial picture more than say...a DUI or Identity Theft. If it's amicable, I mean. I'm not trying to be flippant I honestly don't know. Thanks.

[Connonym]

19. I can't find a link to the particular article I was looking for

It was in The Week or Newsweek, can't recall which. I remember it because it thus far has turned out to be true with my own divorce. I'm not going to be able to describe this very well but in essence mostly marital assets are divided 50/50 in a divorce so you end up with literally half of what you had before and even excluding the fact that it's just you instead of two there is always an added financial burden in reestablishing life after a divorce. You lose potentially half of your house, your retirement, your savings account. You end up with 50% of the marital debt. You could possibly end up having to pay child support and/or "maintenance" to your ex. To illustrate -- we sold our home and, even taking a large step down in the size/location/amenities of our home, we each ended up having to spend a lot more than 1/2 of what we were paying to have a house together. In a way it's like the reverse of the cost benefit you receive when you move in with someone except that now your assets are mixed and when you divide them in half you don't necessarily get what you put into it. You could have provided double the income of your spouse, your 401k twice as large. You lose half of it regardless of how much you contributed.

I don't know if I'm making any sense with this explanation. I'm not trying to be cynical and anti-marriage. I'm just saying that it's not hard to dissolve a marriage if it doesn't work. What's hard is regaining your financial stability afterward. If you're going into something thinking that you can get divorced if it doesn't work, this is true but there is also a potential huge financial shake up that occurs (versus just living together w/o marriage). Don't make that your sole reason for getting married or not married but DO consider the potential implications of losing half of everything. If you want to get married then taking that leap of faith is great but if you're doing it only to please someone I believe you need to consider the full implications of what happens if it doesn't work out. I really wish the best for you and I hope that no matter what you decide with this that it's the right thing for you and not just to placate the one you love.

I'm not yet fully caffeinated this morning so if this doesn't make any sense whatsoever I beg your indulgence on those grounds (no coffee pun intended).

[no name no slogan]

6. Don't trust whitey

[supernova]

7. Don't do it

If you are having 2nd thoughts about the relationship, it's better not to. And there is no reason better than you don't really feel like it.

If you really want to marry someone, you don't have those kinds of misgivings about them.

[NashVegas]

8. If You Wanted to Marry Her

You would have by now. Walk away, let her move on. Do the same for yourself.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

9. Getting married is easy. Getting divorced isn't.

If you aren't sure, don't do it.

[Esra Star]

10. If you don't want the roller coaster move on.

Move on and don't look back.
I agree with Crisco. The marriage is past it's "use by"
date IMO.

[Inchworm]

11. Marriage is an institution

Go with shacking up and having double/triple protected sex often.

:toast:

[mcscajun]

12. If you're not sure, don't do it.

There are worse things than not being married, like being married to the wrong person, or being married for all the wrong reasons.

"Well, we've been living together a few years, so..."
"I thought I ought to..."
"Well, she wanted to get married..."
"I thought it would make things better..."

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong and Fuckin' Wrong.

[Jack_Dawson]

14. Wow...thanks!

Even though it's "wrong" in her eyes, it feels right in mine. Even if I *do* have "Peter Pan Syndrome" (her words), whatever the f that is.

[KG]

16. run, do not walk, to the nearest exit!

take it from someone ignored all the red flags, got tangled up with a psycho, and even tho it only laste about 6 mos, i'm going to be paying for it for a couple more years,

[Jack_Dawson]

17. a couple MORE years?

:scared:

[supernova]

18. Yep, I've done it too

I married an emotionally abusive jerk who displayed very Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms. I stayed in that trap for nine years before I finally got out.

So don't derail yourself just because the other person "wants to." You have to want to without any second thoughts, too.

[Callalily]

21. My rule of thumb is

"when in doubt, don't. If you're not getting along the majority of the time now, it's not going to get any easier just b/c you're married. Good luck with what ever decision you make.

Really wanting to get hitched is NOT a reason to get married.

[MissMillie]

22. then let her go

it sounds like you two don't have the same goals. Hers seems to be marriage. If that's not yours she needs to know that now, up front. Don't string her along.

[av8rdave]

23. I have just one word for you:

Stay single!

[Jack_Dawson]

25. Isn't that...

nevermind. Point taken! Thx.

[skygazer]

26. Realize what marriage actually is

"I love her" is not a reason to get married though most people think it is. It's part of it, yes, but not the only part or even the most important part.

Marriage is more than two people who love each other deciding to "be together." It's a business contract, quite literally. You are contracting to share your assets, your lives, your ups and your downs. Not emotionally but legally. That's a big and crucial difference.

In order for a marriage to work, there has to be more there than just love. You need to have common, shared goals and understandings. Especially about money and financial goals. There needs to be some clear vision about how your assets will be pooled, how bills will be paid, what your future financial plans are. Also, you need to be clear about the responsibilities of each partner, whether you're going to both work, whether you do or don't want children and what your parenting ideas are. Whether one of you will stay home with children. You have to be able to communicate without it always being a roller coaster.

People leap into marriage without once considering most of these things and then discover they don't mesh on a lot of them. Divorce is not as simple as it sounds - even if it doesn't cost you financially, it virtually always costs emotionally.

If you're not sure, don't do it. It's as simple as that. Never, EVER let someone else's wishes dictate what you do, especially something that has that much impact on your life.

My .02.

[The Straight Story]

28. I have been with my wife 9 years, was with X for 10, my advice,:

As I don't know everything about your relationship let me toss out what I have known about mine:
I had doubts about marrying my X, I did anyway. Bad mistake. Yeah, we had 3 kids together, etc, but overall it was a crappy 10 years.

I have been with DU'er AutumnMist for 9 years and 1 day today. There was never any doubt to me that this was the woman I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. We got ups and downs too, mostly caused by the pressures of life and such (death, disease, etc) - but we have clung together through it all and our fights were more centered around how we dealt with the stress of external things. And given our pasts before we met each other we both realize that we are not the enemy and that how we have handled things has been tied to deeper issues.

We took things out on each other because we are the only people we know we can get upset with that will forgive us and not judge each other over.

If you have doubts, thing twice or more. If the electricity is not there - then maybe there is a switch off :) either replace the breaker that is causing the issues, or replace the whole panel :)

[Jack_Dawson]

29. Good advice - thx n/t