Big Mac vs Big Man

[ForrestGump]

I've eaten more fast food than ever in the last year, mostly a result of my working hours as a function of what's open at the time I start heading home. My getting a car last December also made it a lot easier for me to access drive-throughs than was the case when I was only riding a motorcycle around or walking. My favorite items included stuff from Del Taco (I've always loved their bean burritos with the green chilis, and their chicken soft tacos hit the spot nicely...lately they've added shredded beef burritos, the way beef should be presented) and Taco Bell (always liked their seven-layer burrito, and the new grilled stuffed burritos are pretty good and seem not-as-bad-for-you as many menu items there and elsewhere). Jack In The Box was a place I've hit pretty heavily even though much of their menu disgusts me -- they've been convenient both when I lived on the other side of town and relative to where I am now. They do have some pretty nice salads (though the dressings are high fat) and their two southwestern-style chicken pitas seem more like real food than is typical (I won't mention their two-for-99-cent tacos, culinary mysteries that must contain opiates to give them that damnably addictive kick), and lately I've been enjoying their big sirloin burgers, that are of pretty nice quality.

Anyway, I'm sick of all this crap. A little while ago I resolved to once again eat vastly better -- even at my worst I am somewhat stricken by the fact that I eat better (nutritionally, I mean) than the proverbial average American -- and avoid the convenience of fast food along with my favorite supermarket pizzas (Albertson's and Vons...yum) and other calorie-dense, nutritionally-questionable food choices. I know a lot about dietetics and so on, but I often choose not to exercise that knowledge.

A few days ago, at the library, I picked up a copy of Supersize Me. It seemed like destiny, my having just decided to go back on a more sane eating program. I watched it and loved it. Watched all the extras, too, being totally amazed by the depiction of French fries that could last ten weeks or more with no obvious signs of corruption....yes, McDonald's seems to have finally perfected the nonbiodegradable French fry. I also very much liked the interview with the author of Fast Food Nation, and how the dude made the point that it's not the type of food at fault -- nothing inherently wrong with a hamburger or milk shake, at least not if you don't have them every day -- but the way that some chains, McDonald's especially, goes about preparing, making, and selling them. He earned many points from me when he lauded In 'n' Out, the Southern Californian institution, as an example of how it could be done right. I just watched the film again, today, with the commentary track.

Me being me, this second watching of the film made me want to go out to get a Big Mac.

I haven't ever been a fan of McDonald's. When I first came to the US I treasured offerings from the likes of Burger King, Wendy's, and Jack In The Box but McDonald's always left me cold, right from the outset. If I had little choice but to eat there, in my wanderings, I usually got a quarter pounder with cheese (and no onions). I never liked the place, and it had nothing to do with how big they were or anything like that. For a little while I stayed in a trailer in south Florida with a family in which the eldest son was off to Hamburger University (he was a manager, and very McGungHo about the McCorporation) and the younger son was stuck in virtual servitude as a regular peon at another McDonald's...I also got kept alive, basically (I was out of money, thousands of miles from home), by a girl I met in Indianapolis who'd bring me cold leftovers from her McDonald's job, cold McNuggets and various sandwiches being my only food intake for a little while. I started to see what a blight the chain was, but I still disliked the food and the idea of McD's as a more nebulous thing.

Thinking about it now, the last Big Mac I ever had (perhaps the first, too...I can't remember) was probably from that girl in Indy (who wanted to run away with me...I had just turned 21 and she was barely 18, stuck in a rut there and highly romanticizing what she saw in me as some kind of Indiana-Jones-like hero-adventurer). I've largely avoided McDonald's the entirety of the past 20 years since I came back to the US. A little while ago I had a couple of their new salads and was impressed, especially because the stuff came with packets of Paul Newman's dressing that's pretty low fat, but I was less impressed by the fact that our Chinese chicken salads came with packages of Italian dressing. In fact, every one of the few times we went there for those salads the McIdiots who apparently staff that place McF***ed it up royally and we ended up with odd combinations of salad components.

Today, though, I was on a mission from Morgan Spurlock. I had to try one of these Big Macs that are apparently so irresistible. I honestly couldn't even remember a thing about them.

So off I go, into the swirling heat of the Nevada desert, in search of empty calories. That is a search, it must be noted, that is all too easy here, just as it is in pretty much every other town in the USA. I pulled into the drive-through and placed my order. I noted that double cheeseburgers were only a dollar so, remembering how Krystal-like the pathetically-sized McD cheeseburgers were back in the '80s, I ordered two of them. Appetizers, you know. And then the hallowed Big Mac, of course ordered without onions (not that I had a clue as to whether they normally have onions or not).

Yummy.

I was hungry, too. Hence the need for appetizers.

The double cheeseburgers were bigger than I thought. Not huge, or even large, but not insubstantial. They were far more artificial-tasting than the burgers I'd had elsewhere, but they weren't too bad at all. The bread was a little suspect...how could they possibly suck the flavor out of it so efficiently? Overall, though, not bad and certainly not vomit-inducing. A good dollar burger, anyway. I'd had about enough of it all, already, though, and was a bit worried about the Big Mac. I mean, I am a very big dude, and my appetite CAN be prodigious, but...still. Besides, my appetite's been getting smaller over the last couple of weeks: I'd already cut my portion sizes way down, quite happily, quit the diet soda I'd been drinking more and more of, and was living on healthy food, the worst excess probably being the Trader Joe's chocolate soy milk that I took a sudden liking to and began guzzling diligently about three weeks ago.

I deboxed the Big Mac. Ta-daaaahhh! It looked all right. And then that first bite, the explosion of....what the f*** is this?!? What exploded was a mass of thousand-island dressing, some of it on my shirt (I guess it's supposed to be a secret sauce, right? to me it was thousand island, or maybe 880-island). Bleh. I have to say, I suddenly remembered why in my few visits to McDonald's (apart from the occasional shake or sundae stop) I'd favored the quarter-pounder and erstwhile favorites like the McLean. I really didn't like the Big Mac. Yucky. To me it was all bread (not even good bread) and that not-so-secret sauce, and I couldn't even taste anything else. If you like thousand-island dressing, I guess, it'd be all right, but I'm afraid that's about my least favorite dressing. The sad, thin little beef patties barely registered at all. Very disappointing.

I'd stop there again -- albeit a long time from now -- for a double cheeseburger or two, if I was starving and needed that hamburger taste, and I'd even be somewhat curious to again try a quarter-pounder. But, then again, why go there when I can go to Del Taco or even Jacques-au-box, let alone the splendor of In 'n' Out or, even better, some place that sells the most real food of all. In the meantime, I'm not going to have any problem sticking (mostly) to my return to better eating...I'm burned out on food, and especially on junk food (even good junk food). The last thing I ate last night was eggless (tofu) egg salad with tortilla chips made of soy and flax seed (both Trader Joe's offerings) and I'd be feeling a lot better now if I'd had that for my main meal today. I feel a bit sick. I feel quite a bit like the dude in Supersize Me did about halfway through his month of poisoning himself...

If you haven't seen Supersize Me, I enthusiastically recommend it. It's got a Michael Moore feel to it, too. And if you haven't yet eaten a Big Mac...well, I don't think you're missing out on a whole lot: buy some Wonder Bread and thousand-island dressing and make your own for less.