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This is especially for all the DUers in line to get their copies of the final Harry Potter book, along with those who can't make it to the bookstore tonight at midnight. Enjoy! - derby
Chapter 13 - HARSH BUD
Voldecontin looked away from Larry and began examining his own body. His hands were long and bony, his fingers like used hypodermic syringes; his black robe draped around his body like the velvet bag that hid his most precious Afghani stash. He bent over and looked at his reflection in the bottom of the bonglike cauldron that spawned his new body. Perfect. Voldecontin's eyes had the same dilated pupils as always, and his face had the same gaunt look as that of an Oklahoma meth dealer. He took not the slightest notice of Wormfood, who lay twitching and hallucinating on the ground, because a familiar sensation was creeping through the Dark Lord's body - Voldecontin, for the first time in 13 years, had the munchies.
The Dark Lord turned to face Larry, still too stoned to get out of the Bean Bag Chair of Ereisawelba, who could only stare at his mortal enemy in a mellow stupor.
"Yes, Larry Potash," Voldecontin hissed, "you recline upon the remains of my late father, foolish Nelson that he was. But look! My real family arrives..."
The air was suddenly full of the swishing of cloaks and the smell of sandalwood incense. Between graves, in every nook and cranny, wizards in day-glo tie-dyed cloaks were Happenating. One by one, they moved forward - slowly and cautiously, as thought they could hardly believe their eyes. Then, one of the Toad Lickers knelt at the feet of Voldecontin and kissed the hem of his robe.
"Dude, I'm not holding right now," snapped Voldecontin, "I just returned from the Dead, man!"
"Sorry, Master," muttered the Toad Eater. "How was Garcia? I hope they played Truckin'..."
"Later, Lucious. Got any Doritos? Gimme some Smokin' Cheddar BBQ and you're forgiven, man..."
"I gave him my entire stash of Wild White Nacho," Wormfood told Lucious.
"Out of the mistaken belief that I had X on my person," Voldecontin snapped at Wormfood, "not out of personal loyalty. I mean, dude, that was harsh bud. Still, I forgive you, man, because you did hit me up with some khat to take the edge off, and Lord Voldecontin always rewards his servants..."
"Uh, hey guys?" Larry shouted. "Can we, like, get back to me for a second? This novel isn't named after you, you know..."
Voldecontin turned and pointed his wand at Larry, shouting, "Bushio!"
Larry instantly started convulsing in mental anguish and torment as the curse took effect. As the Toad Lickers laughed, Larry's head was involuntarily filled with the thoughts and memories of George W. Bush, announcing the deployment of troops into Iraq, shredding the documents proving that he approved of the leak of Valerie Plame's identity to Bob Novak, hunched over the naked body of Condoleezza Rice as he...as he...
Instantly, Larry came to, screaming in horror. In addition, he mentally registered that his penis had sucked into his pelvic cavity in an act of self-defense.
But he had no time to catch his breath. Voldecontin had pulled Larry out of the Bean Bag Chair of Ereisawelba and roughly thrust Larry's wand back into his hand.
"Surely you were told, Potash," Voldecontin hissed, "that the gold-colored Morroccan bush infused with chimera blood and Jim Morrison's ashes yielded only two sweet leaves before the DEA seized it in Phoenix, Arizona. One of those leaves wound up in your wand, and I've got the other leaf in mine." Voldecontin traced the tip of his wand across the joint-shaped scar on Larry's forehead. "And now, I'm going to waste you, Larry Potash, and my army of Toad Lickers will wreck havoc on all the Nelsons and Half-Nelsons of this world..."
And with that, Voldecontin raised his wand, but Larry was ready. Pointing his wand at the Dark Lord, he cried out, "Psilocybinus totalus!" as Voldecontin shouted "Draconis pursuto!"
A jet of neon green light issued forth from Voldecontin's wand just as a jet of red emanated from Larry's - they met in midair - and suddenly, Larry's wand was vibrating and yodeling and breaking the Ten Commandments in full technicolor glory. Larry looked up in pure astonishment and saw Voldecontin staring into Larry's eyes with the same look of disbelief on his face - their wands were connected to each other with a single stream that was neither green nor red, but pure Acapulco Gold. Suddenly, the Toad Lickers were all thrown back by the loudest sound they ever heard - a Neil Young "shoegazer" guitar solo that threatened to continue for as long as the two dueling wizards kept their wands locked together.
"Dude, Larry," cried Voldecontin, "I'm one with your navel, man! I can feel your belly button lint wrapping itself around me, and that's just groovy..."
"You know you're grossing me out, don't you?" shouted Larry.
And as the duel intensified, the sky dissolved into undulating shades of red, yellow, and sky blue that melted all over the dueling wizards as it soaked the skin off their bones and turned them into beings of pure light and understanding who suddenly realized what an electron looks like from the inside out...
"My God, man," Larry laughed through joyful tears, "It's fuckin' BEAUTIFUL, man...!"
"Larry!" Voldecontin cried out, "I LOVE YOU, MAN..."
Will the house-pixie Dooby arrive on the scene in order to supply Larry with his special "Pixie Stix?" Is Voldecontin gonna meet his connection, and can we tell by his blood-stained hands? Or should we just go ask Alice? Turn on, tune in, wands out, dudes...!
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