Life lesson learned

[Wapsie B]

I went to an a party last night. There's a club in the area that was having one of their monthly get-togethers at an area bar. In the spirit of wanting to get out of myself regularly coupled with my curiousity getting the better of me I decided to go.

There was a potluck dinner where everyone brought a side dish for the meal. Not knowing one single soul there I really had to pump myself up to even go. I actually did not have high expectations at all about the evening. It was a group of people who didn't know me at all, so realistically I knew that as a single guy there was little chance of me breaking that barrier. I wanted to get out and meet others. Most importantly, I went there thinking that I would at least meet a new friend.

Well, let me tell you, it was a failure on all counts. Except for giving myself props for having the guts to wander into a group of total strangers and attempt to have some kind of friendly interaction I have never had such an icy cold reception. The hostess was pleasant enough when I talked to her, but she was friends with everyone else and spent most of the time with others. Everyone knew everyone else and it was one big clique, the biggest clique I've been around in a long time. There was not one person who made me feel welcome, who made me feel like they wanted me to even be there.

There was a couple of women who crashed the party. They must've heard about the party from someone at the bar and were driving around the place deciding whether or not to come in. As you can guess they were absolutely drooled over. People were coming up to them, introducing themselves and trying to warm up to them. It was like I was invisible. So after awhile I just left.

I found myself amongst people who did not want me in their little group. I knew that as a single guy it's hard to find enough women to go around at parties much of the time. But this one had a much more favorable ratio of males to females. Not many single guys however although there were a few besides me. The others though were already part of that circle of friends. There was no need for someone like me there. In fact, my soft-spoken demeanor came across as a weakness to the faux-alpha males (and females) there. I could feel that. Outside looking in again. But hey I tried.

Very very cold group to outsiders. But I figure it's like meeting someone on the first date. If you don't click you get up and leave. Well nothing clicked here. Nothing at all.

There's really nothing new about not being comfortable in the bar scene, private party or not. My inability to interact well in bars with others I didn't know led me to beat myself up for years. I thought that was the best if not the only way real guys met women; over drinks at parties or clubs. I saw people enjoying themselves there and wondered why I couldn't do the same thing. It tore me up to see people really having fun, dancing and groping, making out, whatever........and I'd always go home alone.

I've had this distorted view of dating for a long time. Logically I know there are other places to meet women. But emotionally I thought that parties were the man's way of attracting a female. So last night I finally learned a valuable lesson, that the bar scene ain't worth a pinch of shit to me. Just please spare me the responses about how so many of you never met anyone at a bar or club or party. Just please don't.

[wildhorses]

1. are you even divorced, yet?

:shrug:

[Wapsie B]

2. yes i am.

[wildhorses]

3. how long?

it still takes time to heal...don't push yourself. also large groups are not for everybody.

[Wapsie B]

6. about a month.

i know it's not the right time to meet anyone relationship-wise. it's just so easy for me to fall into this hermit mode that i feel i've gotta push myself just to get outta the apt. somedays.

:hi:

[wildhorses]

8. well, look at it as a personal victory. and take the pressure

off yourself. it will get easier. be kind to yourself. it takes TIME to get over a divorce. :pals:

[Wapsie B]

11. yeah i do.

as i said in the thread title it's a good lesson for me. never been the party person. the one thing that sucked was the feeling of being outside looking in. and i know it's wrong but there's a need to exclude just as i've been excluded.

:pals:

[LeftyMom]

4. If parties are hard for you, it's probably in your best interest to look elsewhere

I'm bad with large groups, strangers and background noise (I have a hearing problem which makes the dull roar of crowds sheer hell for me to talk and listen over) so I'd never be caught dead in a bar or club. If that's not the kind of environment you shine in, you're better off going someplace that you do.

Live your life and keep your eye out for anybody interesting living an overlapping one, instead of playing the game with these forced and fake courtship rituals that expose you to all sorts of women you have nothing in common with.

[Wapsie B]

7. Yeah I agree.

Good advice. Yeah I felt nothing in common there at all.

[Debi]

5. Was there really a 'hostess' at the party?

If it was a public party at a public place then unfortunately everyone was on their own to entertain themselves and interact. If it was a private party where a person was designated as host/hostess then it was their failure for not planning ahead for you (knowing you are newly single and would need a partner or someone to introduce you around).

Don't use this one incident as a mark that the social atmosphere is poison. Try hosting a small gathering at your place or plan a dinner out with a group so you are already on top by choosing people that you want to be with/want to be with you. Also, ask for help from your friends/acquaintances - if you are truly ready to be out in the dating scene ask them to introduce you to other singles - even if it's just so the two of you aren't alone at a mostly couples gathering.

Congratulations on getting the divorced finalized - that was fast :hi:

[Wapsie B]

9. Yes there was.

It was just one party one time. Another atmosphere, another venue may be totally different. I'm not concerned about that. It's that I got it through my thick skull that I am not a bar person.
Yeah it was fast. Once I set my mind to do something do not stand in my way. :P

:hi:

[datasuspect]

10. so it was a private party in a bar and you went uninvited?

shit, you should have called me up!

i love going to those.

i remember one i happened upon after sitting in the bar from 10 a.m.

around 6ish, they started turning people away walking in off the street and telling them it was a private party, but the bartender vouched for me (i was tipping well that day).

it was some retirement/b-day thing or something with a bunch of goombatz.

the spread was AWESOME: mostacioli, vesuvio chicken with potatoes, sausage and peppers, and lasagne.

i nibbled at some chicken, but i was on a mission to drink seriously.

i didn't know anybody, but started shooting the shit and buying shots and had a pretty good time.

[Wapsie B]

12. no i was invited

that's cool that you can do that sort of thing and feel comfortable doing that. for years i was hard on myself for not being able to do that, to shoot the shit with whoever's around and ingratiate myself to total strangers. i mean really hard. but not anymore. that's just not me.

[datasuspect]

13. you were invited and they acted like dicks anyway?

that sucks. you're probably better off not associating with them anyway.