I need some Advice about attending a wake/funeral

[Mind_your_head]

A relative has passed away and even though I didn't see him often (b/c of distance), I still have a lot of love, respect for him and would like to show my respects and go to the wake OR funeral. Even though I 'could' do both, it would require a nite in a hotel and two days off work, finding someone to watch the kids for the nite, etc. I would like to just drive there in the morning and head home in the evening w/o the hotel stay and taking two days off of work.

SO, my question is....would it be better to go to the wake or the funeral mass, burial, and luncheon afterwards?

I'm thinking the funeral, burial is 'better'/more important. What do you all think?

TIA for any thoughts/input.

[SeattleGirl]

1. In the end, the choice is up to you, but I would choose the wake.

The reason why is, at least at the wakes and memorial services I've been to, that's when anyone who wants to can stand up and talk about the person, tell stories, share memories, etc.

You might find out some things about this relative you never knew, good memories to carry with you.

Again, it's up to you, but that would be my choice, were I in your place.

[Mind_your_head]

4. Wow - stand up & talk about the person, tell stories?

That sounds pretty cool! But all of the wakes that I've been to - mostly Roman Catholic, as this one will be - you just go in view the body, say a prayer, talk w/the family a 'little bit' b/c they've got lots of people/mourners to talk with, view a board that the family may have made with highlights from the persons life. Then you sit in the chair and 'wait' for a dignified period of time, then go home. I almost SURELY WON'T know any of the other mourners there, other than the immediate family b/c I've always lived in another state.

Thanks for your thoughts - I really appreciate it. Now I'm conflicted about which one to go to.

[SeattleGirl]

6. Yes, those kinds of wakes/memorials can really help.

One of my favorite memories of a wake I attended was for my best friend. I got to meet a lot of people who knew and loved her (she had her tea lady friends, who would get together for tea and make funny hats, and get goofy; I met one of her former husbands, who was just a wonderful man; and heard many great stories about Genie).

I told the story of how she didn't like me when we first met. She was convinced that I was out to steal her boyfriend, but I thought he was a misogynistic bastard. :eyes: Eventually, she came to see that I was the genuine deal, and we became very close friends. We both grew up in alcoholic homes, and together, we healed, we learned to let go of a lot of the past, and best of all, we learned to laugh at ourselves. She was a wonderful woman, and a true gift in my life.

I've not been to a Roman Catholic wake, so maybe it would be different. Is there anyone in your family you could call and ask, regarding what kind of wake it will be? That might help you make your decision.

[Mind_your_head]

10. So sorry that you lost such a great friend

Those are rare to find and few & far between :hug:

Although, I'm sure this wake will be just as I described (no stories, etc.)....I think I've changed my mind and will go to the wake (or maybe both now).

Thanks again for your input/opinion. :-)

[SeattleGirl]

12. She was special, indeed. And though I mourn her loss, I celebrate

who she was, and what she brought into my life.

[evlbstrd]

2. Is this an ethnic family?

I mean Irish, Italian, Greek, etc. Or kinda white bread? Not to offend.
If ethnic, go to the wake.

[Mind_your_head]

5. Not really ethnic, just Roman Catholic

If you see my post above, THAT's ALWAYS how the wakes 'go' (in my experience).

[VLC]

3. I don't know what's considered "proper" in these situations...

but I would pick the one that would make YOU less miserable. I find funerals unbearable. Wakes are better, and your presence there is more likely to be remembered and appreciated since you would have more opportunity to speak to the family.

[Mind_your_head]

7. Geez, now I've got three 'votes' for the wake

I guess I was really thinking 'wrong' when I thought the funeral mass, burial would be the better choice.

Thanks for your input.

[VLC]

8. I don't think there's a "wrong" choice...

pick the one that feels more "right" to you.

Sorry you have to go at all.

[Gormy Cuss]

9. Family expected at the funeral, distant kin and friends at the wake.

That's the way it seems to sort out at the Roman Catholic rites I've attended. Anyone can go to either or both, but the funeral and burial are considered more personal in terms of your relationship to the deceased and to the faith.

Ultimately you need to chose the one that feels right for you.

[Mind_your_head]

11. Thank you GC

That really helps a lot/validates as to 'how I was thinking' about it. :-)

[dropkickpa]

13. Yep, family at the funeral

As the unwilling attendee of many a roman catholic funeral/viewing thingys, all the random people who knew the deceased (from the grocery store, bus top, newspaperboy, etc) show up at the viewing, but family is expected to go to the funeral service and luncheon afterwards. That's where most of the talking about the person happens. Plus, you get fed for the drive home.

[LostinVA]

14. If Irish American, the wake -- if not, then the funeral

[kath]

15. I vote for the Mass, burial, luncheon afterwards. The luncheon will give you the most opportunity

to reminisce, talk with other relatives, etc. Once all the rituals are finally over, the family relaxes a bit and the tension/grief level lessens a little, some really good stories about the deceased get told, relatives catch up with each other, etc. It's not as stiff and formal as at the funeral home, and people "let their hair down" a bit.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

16. If it were Minnesota Lutherans, I'd opt for the funeral

The wake is a hush-hush affair with everyone tip-toeing around and whispering. It's held the night before the funeral, and it's mainly an opportunity for people who work during the day and can't attend the funeral to come and offer their condolences.

After the funeral and burial, there's a lunch, often followed by a second, informal gathering for friends and family. After the "official" lunch for my grandmother's funeral, we all went over to a cousin's house, where my brother brought out videotapes he'd made of our grandmother reminiscing about her childhood.

[JVS]

20. see post 19 for a Minnesota Lutheran funeral story

[Rabrrrrrr]

You'll get more time to talk to family at the wake, more than likely.

[AngryOldDem]

17. I would go to the funeral

The wake, too, if you can make that work. The burial and luncheon (in my opinion) are more intimate, as in close family and friends.

What's ultimately important, IMO, is that you care enough to drive and rearrange your schedule just to come. The family, I'm sure, will appreciate that, regardless of what part of the service you attend.

[Mind_your_head]

18. Thank you all for your input/opinions

You've helped me sort it out for myself....and that's one of the many reasons that this is such a great community. DU'ers are the BEST! :-)

[JVS]

19. funeral mass, burial, and luncheon afterwards

Of course when my father's aunt died, my parents and I jumped in the car and drove 1000 miles right to the church, and by that I mean that we got out in the church parking lot with the previous stop being a gas-station in central wisconsin. So we belong to the hardcore do the shitty duty camp.

Her son thanked us for making the long trip, and we told the whopper of all lies "Oh, it was no trouble at all, we had to come to pay our respects". After the funeral we had ham sanwiches on rolls that were buttered on both sides (no skiping) and coffee while talking to our relatives cheerfully

[Mind_your_head]

21. LOL - yeah.....it's 'no trouble at all'

That's again why I say, DU'ers are the best! :hug:

[Redstone]

22. My vote: Choosing the funeral shows the most respect. No particular reason,

but you asked, and that would be my inclination, as it has been when I've been in that situation.

Unless, of course, you're more interested in using the occasion as an opportunity to reconnect with family members you may not have seen for a long time, in which case the wake option might work better for you. Again, no judgement at all from me. Either choice is legitimate and serves a purpose. "Celebrating life in the face of Death" by choosing the wake option is certainly NOT immoral.

Redstone