parenting help - what to do about tantrums?

[momophile]

I was going to post this in the parenting group but it gets so little traffic. so I'll post it here:

we just took our 21-month old to CA to visit her grandparents. turns out she was sick and had a fever for a couple of days. then she slept a lot. when she wasn't sleeping, we visited with grandparents and tried to get out to see a few things. then she started having meltdowns. going limp and dropping to the ground and screaming when we picked her up. and today we flew home and she did the same thing several times at the airport and then on the plane and on our bus home. oh and mommy almost had a breakdown because I don't know how to deal with this kind of behavior. if you saw a 30-something year old woman crying in the airport in Sacramento today, it was probably me.

does anyone have any suggestions? know of a good book or a good website?

I actually wondered if the bus driver was going to kick us off.

[amitten]

1. Well, according to my Mom the first time I ever did that was the

last.

She was a spanker. It worked. I was so scared by the spanking apparently that I never had a meltdown again.

Obviously, that doesn't work for everyone.

On edit: And no, I did not grow up to consider violence a solution for problems. All that spanking ever taught me was that I couldn't have tantrums.

[elshiva]

2. OT, But why do you sleep in drawer?

edit: deleted offending material sorry.

[Name removed]

4. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[elshiva]

7. DELETE

[Haole Girl]

9. Get help. And soon. nt

[amitten]

10. Um, I don't

But a character from a favorite Simpsons episode does.

[leftofthedial]

3. Taser

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

5. Self-delete

:shrug:

[Haole Girl]

6. Hi momophile!

Sorry I don't have any solid advice. This is just one of hundreds of links that I got by googling "How to deal with your child's tantrum" - http://www.heptune.com/tantrum.html

Hang in there! My younger sister only used "time outs" with my niece -- she grew up beautifully!

:hug:

[The Straight Story]

8. The only problem with time outs - suppose they won't co-operate :)

I never understood how that all worked ;)

[southerncrone]

11. This is a phase that accompanies "the terrible twos". Do not give in to the tantrum.

Ignore the behavior & certainly DO NOT REWARD IT! When she sees this behavior is not getting her what she wants she will quit using it. However.....b/4 she actually understands it's not working, you will have to endure some more of these episodes. I'd advise not going out as much until this phase passes. There are "do-gooders" that will think you are a "bad parent" for ignoring her; don't subject yourself to this public display unless you absolutely must.

At home, a swat might not hurt either just to get HER attention & let her know you do not accept this behavior. But best to ignore as much as possible.

This is a developmental phase when her "personality" is emerging & she's learning to interact w/the world.

This too shall pass. ;)

Good luck & be patient. :hi:

[yellowdogintexas]

12. it is often situational. ..you were in a situation with no exit

not in your home, not where you could just say "OK kid, we are going home". You were stuck.

Kids have tantrums when they are not getting what they want NOW, like treat in store, goody in store, toy, dog, cat whatever.

Kids have a different type of meltdown when they are in a situation they don't like/understand, and can't talk or communicate well enough to explain how they feel. Usually there is overstimulation (too much new/strange stuff at once) or fatigue going along with it. The meltdown is a way they vent their energy and stress. They grow out of it. Early talkers have less difficulty with this usually. Your airport situation definitely sounds like a coping meltdown. Mine used to have to scream herself out of anxiety attacks over school, in kindergarten and 1st grade. We worked through it. Funny thing, she never threw fits to get stuff, or to get to do stuff.

So if you are doing something the kids likes to do, and kid has a fit because she wants something and you won't or can't buy it and kid continues to have said fit..you just go home, and you tell kid why their outing has ended. Or why they aren't getting to do the thing they wanted to do. Those are actually the easier ones.

Good luck. I am just saying your baby was trying to cope with a strange environment.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

13. First, you have to keep level-headed, no matter how difficult...

When your child is out of control, they need the security of knowing you ARE in control.
My older boy had some champion tantrums as a toddler; and I'll bet my younger one would have too, if I hadn't learned so much from his brother.

I found with my youngest that exhibiting my calm concern for his state of mind helped calm him. Rather than calling "time out", I told him he needed to stay in his room for a little bit and calm himself until he felt better, and that he'd need to apologize once he was calm. That way, instead of feeling "punished", he was being given a task to focus on...to take charge of his emotions.

Consider any physical problems that could be causing the meltdown. These include fatigue and low blood sugar. Simply making sure your child is well-rested and always has something to nibble can keep tantrums from occurring in the first place. Allergies and sensitivity to caffeine and red dye are things to watch out for, too. And since you mention flying, I wonder if your girl was having trouble with the pressure in her ears, or even an ear infection since she had a fever.

Sometimes, when my youngest was grouchy, we could distract him from a tantrum by "throwing his grouchies away", which consisted of lifting his arm up, tickling his armpit, clenching the invisible "grouchies" in one hand, and tossing them away. Or sometimes we'd pretend to swallow them, and make funny grouchy faces at him.

Once, my oldest started to throw a fit in the grocery store, and I told him he'd have to wait until we got to the screaming aisle...then he could scream and fuss as much as he wanted to. Intrigued with the idea, he calmed down immediately, then when I'd finished shopping and got the groceries in the car, I told him we'd reached the screaming aisle, so he could have at it. Of course, by that time he wasn't interested in screaming. :)

[mzteris]

15. are we on the same wave length or what?

:hi:


I liked to refer to "time out" as the opportunity to calm down and think about ________.

I really liked the "screaming aisle" angle. THough I think mine are too big for it now. shoot.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

16. Seems like it.

:hi:

My big mistake with my oldest was in taking his tantrum personally. It took awhile, but eventually I realized that my poor kid was feeling terrible; and my getting angry about it wasn't going to change the situation.

[mzteris]

17. I cheated.

My older sister's kid was the master of manipulation. Hold his breath, turn blue, and "faint" while tantruming.

Until the day I saw him look around while in full tantrum mode, realize he was on the hard floor, and moved onto the carpeted area before the "fainting" spell. And yeah, he was TWO. OMG - what a pain he was.

My biggest problem was my youngest. His prenatal birth conditons caused some behavioural issues - boy did I learn a lot more about tolerance and understanding what other people go through. Talk about humbling.

Sometimes, I would have to physically hold/restrain him sometimes (gently as possible) until he could calm down. and the looks???? O.M.G. You know the ones whehr they're thinking/muttering - you should blister his butt .....He's soooooo ill behaved. You have noooooo control. blah blah blah.

Sometimes we have Noooooooo idea what's going on with the kid.

My older son has the dye allergy thing red/blue - his biggest only real tantrum as a toddler. Dad gave him a red and blue swirlie icee... (Two Icee stories, that's weird. Just realized that.)

Holy cow. We thought he was possessed. It wasn't really a temper tantrum - just wild out of control screaming, crying, shaking, laughing, screeching, trying to climb out of his stroller, trying to get away, tear off his clothes! He abruptly fell asleep about 30 minutes after it started.

[mzteris]

14. hmmmmmmmm -

not quite two.

Sick. Fever.

Travel.

Planes.

Strangers.

New places.

New bed.

New/no routine.

New food.

New water.

New everything.

Grandparents - how familiar were they to her? How well does she KNOW them? They probably wanted to interact. She's like :wtf:

Other relatives, friends, etc.

She's thinking: Where are my OLD friends? Where's my ROOM and my TOYS and my STUFF???? WHo are the people and wtf AM I?

You were stressed, too, of course. (all of the above, PLUS wanting your little angel to make a GOOD IMPRESSION on the gp's, doncha know. of course you did. It's NORMAL to want that, btw!!) - but your stress exacerbates HER stress.

YOU were crying in the airport and you're a grown woman.

She's just a baby. Really.

It was overload. Sensory overload. Too much to for her to handle.

Now how do YOU handle it?

Please, don't spank.

The other routes depend on the kid's personality and yours. A lot depends on your tolerance for "getting glared at by others". :)

My oldest (now nearly 27) had a "temper tantrum" in Kmart at 2-1/2. I wouldn't buy her an ICEE. Laying on the floor kicking, screaming and crying. I just walked out of the store. Oh I could see her through the window. She couldn't see me. People were running out yelling at me. She sat up. Looked around. Stopped screaming and crying. Stood up. Looking looking. I walked back to the door - where she could see me. "Are you coming? Out she walked . Never. Had. Another. Tantrum. (Until her teens - but that's a whole 'nother story. :P )

If I'da tried that with my boys - or any of my fosters - boy howdy - THAT wouldn'ta worked. lol......

Time outs DO work. They just TAKE work.

Either handle the situation in public -

Timeouts in the corner. Timeouts facing a wall. Timeouts in the shopping cart.

Or remove yourselves from the immediate vicinity -
Bathroom. Car. Quiet room. Separate quiet section of wherever you are. Let them regain their control AND their dignity. Maybe some water to drink.



I'd give her a chance to settle back into her environment. If it continues to be a problem - a REAL problem - note the circumstances surrounding and leading up to the situation where she behaves that way.

What has she just recently had to eat/drink?

When/how long did she last sleep?

What is the environment? Lights? Noise? Chaos? Strangers? Scary (to a kid)

When did she last eat (bloodsugar issues)?

Just some thoughts. I'm no expert by any means.

Good luck.

Oh. Lots of hugs and cuddles and kisses later when it's all over. (You and her - not you and me! :P )