Tell me how the f*ck I am supposed to say it, because I just can't

[The Straight Story]

I laid next to my wife, telling her it would all be ok, as she hugged her special teddy bear and cried.

She ain't getting better. She is getting worse. Parkinson's disease does not get better.

36, beautiful, a life full of dreams now gone. Right hand locking up, dropping things. Right foot not listening to her brain and doing what it wants.

Sick most days and bed ridden. Wanting to just see her 6 yr old daughter grow up, graduate, etc and so on.

And I am out of work now, but I will manage, but that is just more stress for her on top of it all. And even if I get work, there is no one here at home to care for her. So either way I am screwed. I may have enough to live off for a year if I am lucky, but by then she will be worse anyway and leaving home to work won't be much of an option.

Tell me how I am supposed to hold her like I did tonight and tell her it will be all ok. Because that is what I did. Sure, some days she is ok and can function well and kick ass, but mostly now she is on another down swing and she just can't do it. Last bad stretch like this she was in bed 3 months, this time will be worse.

But still I tell her it will all be ok. And sometimes she tells me she wishes she could take the whole bottle of sleeping pills and end it all. But won't because we have a little girl to raise.

I can lie to her and tell her it will be ok, but I cannot any longer to myself.

She is getting worse, we have no health insurance, I am out of work (laid off), and while we have some good days most now are bad for her. And I am getting more sick as well from the stress.

Money wise, we should be ok for a spell when my checks get here. But I grew up with little money and that is the least of my worries. Money I can make with hard work - but this is something that no matter how hard I try I cannot fix.

How the fuck am I supposed to tell her it will all be ok, when it won't?

I can't cure this, I can't stop this, all I can do is tell her it is all ok and spend what little time we have doing something she enjoys.

She won't ever see Ireland or England like she desires. She will see the redwoods again once I get my checks I will take her there. But the big dreams she had are gone. And I hate that.

How do I tell her that? I can't. And I won't.

My heart is so broken - not for myself, but for her.

Maybe it will get better, maybe it will all be ok. Maybe I am telling myself that because it is all I have left right now to believe in.

But deep down that rational part of me knows the truth, and hates it so much I reject it.

Either way, I cannot give up. If I get nothing else in this life I pray to God I get a chance to do what I promised her 9 years ago I would do - make her dreams come true.

But it seems out of my power now. And how do I tell her that?

I can't. I won't.

So I just ask that you pray for me and send good vibes, so that maybe a miracle will happen.

She is a good woman, and I hope someday to be as good a person as she is.

I love you hun, I just pray to god I can be strong for you. I pray it all gets better.

[Haole Girl]

1. OMG... I'm sorry...

I'm so sorry that has happened to her.

If I am to be honest, I couldn't read all of your thread. But, I wanted to send you hugs.

Life can be so unfair.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[LeftyFingerPop]

2. Tell her...

something that someone I love told me tonight.

That life...is just a series of events.

Good and bad.

And let me tell you something.

If you BELIEVE that things will be ok, they will be. Things do not have to be perfect, and you may not have everything you desire or even need, but as long as you have each other, things will be ok, whatever your circumstances are. As long as you are WITH her. You got that my good friend? As long as you are together. Because TOGETHER, you are safe.

[The Straight Story]

5. My good friend

I do get that, and I am thankful we are together through this.

Tonight has been hard in so many ways. We talked about all the good things we had done, and our dreams. And later on she told me how scared she was in all this.

And I know how scared I am, but I won't let her see that. I keep putting the happy face on, making jokes, and so on. But deep down I know how it is.

I look forward to spending the rest of this life with her, no matter how it goes. From the paralysis to the dementia that may come.

Tonight we discussed things like this as well, as adults. And I brushed them aside telling her not to worry about it as things would be ok.

But, long term they won't be. And I am starting to see that now. And I cannot bring myself to tell her the things I see.

She also has a brain cyst, and has had other health issues over the years which are creeping back and she does not see but I do.

For the first time in my 41 years of life, outside of my mom dying, I feel utterly helpless.

[LeftyFingerPop]

6. Sometimes...

life is just fucked, and it stays fucked.

All your wife needs to hear from you is ...." The future scares me. I don't know what will happen. But whatever it is, you have my undying love and support, forever". That's all she needs.

You are a good man, you are lucky to have each other.

I can't offer any words of wisdom, and I can't say things will be great.

But if she knows that no matter what, you will be there for her...to hold, to talk to, and to get support...that is what she needs.

When you are sick...you don't need much anything else except food and shelter. It is the love that becomes the bonus.

Chronic illnesses suck, they don't get better....I'm crying as I type this...I know how hard it is...

[VenusRising]

3. All my love, prayers, and vibes to you and your wife.

If I had a magic wand, I would use it for you.

Since I don't, please accept my love and support in these trying times.

:hug:

[LeftyFingerPop]

4. More...

You love her, and things are bad for both of you right now. But you love each other, and sometimes that is all we have. Fuck the job, fuck the illnesses...you love each other. Sometimes, if you have that, the rest becomes bearable...sounds trite, but its true. Many people don't have love...you do...embrace it and recognize its strength.

[The Straight Story]

7. Wise words, and ones I have said to myself

Fuck it - I am not so worried about the job and all that crap.

But I know she is worried about it, the finances, the health insurance, et al.

And if there is anything I can do for her, I want to take those worries away.

She may yet come out of this episode and do well for years. She had a bad spell and then got a lot better.

So I will hope for that, it is just that nights like tonight I see how bad things can be, and how bad they can get. And I want to say 'it will be ok, things are alright' and yet I feel I am lying to her and myself.

Why can't they be better? That is all I want. Fuck work, money, etc and so on. When she met me we both had nothing and were happy as can be.

I just want it to be ok, to have it all go away. And fuck me freddy it is not going away and it is getting worse.

God I love her, and I would do fucking anything to make this stop.

I am her husband and I can't do a damned thing. And that is pissing me off right now.

Screw how I feel, screw the pain I am going through, there is a cure for that - but I cannot make her suffering cease. I am not the one enduring this, she is. I got it easy.

[LeftyFingerPop]

8. So much I could type...

but I want you to know I understand.

Get in an emotional survival mindset, and make things as comfortable as you can for yourself and your wife.

Survival my friend...then see what happens.

[The Straight Story]

10. Thanks man, just had a damned bad day is all

I am usually in that mindset, but today it snapped. She woke up the other day with black eyes, and I told her to wait a day and it would be ok.

But it wasn't. I really thought it would all be ok after a day of rest.

I feel like I am lying more to myself than her. Fuck, I just realized I typed that and it cuts me to the core.

Just one more day honey and it will be ok, you will get better. That is what I keep saying and believing but lately that is not proving to be the case.

"you got the flu, maybe it is allergies babe, etc and so on" and she believes that until the next day or three and she is still feeling so sick she can only get up and make a meal or something and then back to bed (and a side note, even as sick as she is, she makes better meals than anyone I have ever known in my life).

I really don't know anymore if I am lying to her or myself about it all.

I cannot accept this, I just can't. She will be ok, just give her a few days and she will be better.

I believe that. And I guess I cannot accept the fact that I don't believe it.

Fuck.

[VenusRising]

9. My husband and I have been together as long as you and your wife.

He had a heart attack before I even met him. I worry every single day about him. I see out of the corner of my eye when he checks his pulse or feels a muscle pain in his side. It's something that is always there. There isn't anything that I can do to make it better except love him more and more every day. I understand feeling helpless.

Three months after my husband and I moved in together, I was injured at work. I had a closed head injury that was not paid attention to by my supervisor when he was told. I ended up going in a downward spiral for three years. I was depressed. I couldn't be in bright lights at all. I couldn't go out in public. I had chronic anxiety attacks for those three years straight. I wanted to kill myself I don't know how many times. I didn't, though, because my husband was there with me. He never left me when things got the worst, and because of his love and support it gave me the strength and the motivation to get better, and to climb out of that pit.

You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Loving her, hugging her, assuring her, but do not forget to tell her that you are afraid, too. It's knowing that you are not alone in your fears that gives you the strength to move past them and keep going. (You, meaning the proverbial "you").

[The Straight Story]

12. Thank you my friend

I can see you have been there as well.

I am trying, and I have health and mental issues myself to deal with (mom dying, x wife passing, my kids with her, etc).

Usually I do ok, tonight though and yesterday hit home on all this.

I will keep trying, and Lord willing I do well for her.

Just some nights, like tonight, I drink too much and fall apart :) I let it all out, the fears and such.

We will be ok, but right now I am not ok. Your words and those elsewhere in this thread make me feel better.

Thanks to you and others here, you have helped get me through a hard night.

[enigmatic]

11. Good vibes, my friend

E me if you need anything; I mean it :hug:

[Breeze54]

13. One - Step- At- A- Time ---

First, can you or have you inquired about Visiting Nurses?

You need to work. You need the income. Keep the job.

That's all I've got right now but a parting thought...

You and your wife can go on... you just have to focus.

Take a deep breath. I wish I had more.

One step at a time....

:hug:

[Guava Jelly]

14. I wish i knew.

All you can do is what you can do.
And all you can be is a loving husband to a very brave wife.
And I think you got that part covered..
My heart goes out to both of you.

[libnnc]

15. I wish I had the right words

and I wish I could reach through the computer and hug you both.

:cry: :cry: :cry:

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[entanglement]

16. I pray for you and send good vibes your way - God knows I could use some myself

My Dad was recently diagnosed with advanced (metastatic) prostate cancer :(
I share your feeling of utter helplessness :cry:

:hug:

[xchrom]

17. wow -- you've taken me back a few years -- i've been in your shoes.

i lost my partner -- years ago now -- but i remember his illness like it was yesterday.

and that's because i had t take care of him -- we didn't have -- or he didn't have -- the kind of insurance that would help us -- not in any meaningful way.

everyday was frightening -- every hour -- at least at first.

finally you realize it's a job -- i love this person -- but it's a job i have to get through.

anyway -- you can do this -- you can do this because you have to.

and not only can you do this -- but trust me -- you can do it with a smile.

you have to -- it's your job to do the best for her you can.

sometimes -- just sometimes -- you have to bear all -- and you can do it.

after my partner died -- years later i had to do it again for my dad --

i know the depths of this -- oh do i ever.

so when i say you can do it -- that can and will bear this -- i mean it.

[Lady President]

18. It is "ok"

I have this feeling that you and your wife are hearing the sentence, "everything will be ok" completely differently.

You want "everything will be ok" to mean that you will make it all better.

She knows that "everything will be ok" means that you will always be there for her, you will never stop loving her, and that you will take care of your daughter.

Good vibes are heading your way. Please remember to take a little time to take care of yourself too.

[BarenakedLady]

19. I'm so sorry

:hug: for you and your wife. You are in my thoughts.