Dontcha just hate the non-apology apology?

[KurtNYC]

You know the stuff:

"I'm sorry if I have done anything to hurt you."
or
"Sorry doesn't begin to cover it..."

and then they want to count that. "oh I apologized"
I don't consider myself a grudge holder but I want the other person to admit to and own what they did or else there is no implicit agreement not to do it again (or at least try not to).

I hope I own up to my faults and work to minimize their impact. And I think owning one's mistakes is part of that.

[EstimatedProphet]

1. Yeah, I do

Kinda dishonest

[Kat45]

2. Yes, and politicians are experts at it.

I once had an incident with a person who thought someone else's apology also covered her. In junior high, a couple of my friends turned on me and turned several other girls against me. They used to harass me frequently. One of the girl's family was going to be moving away in the summer, and at the end of the school year she came up to me and apologized for the way she had acted toward me. Another girl, who was also guilty of said behavior, came over with her and stood next to her the whole time, but did not say a word. I think that she thought that by standing there, my forgiveness would encompass her as well. I never consdidered that to be an apology from her, I still remember that incident because I thought it was pretty sleazy of her to do that.

[pagerbear]

3. Well, I"m sorry you feel that way!

:hi:

[supernova]

4. And its kissing cousin nonapology,

"I'm sorry you were offended."

Like the offending party is saying "I'm sorry you had feelings."

:wtf:

[KurtNYC]

9. exactly

[Deja Q]

5. Ah yes, the human condition known as "mea culpa".

:rofl:

What it has to do with lacrimal secretions from a crocodile, I have no idea...

[hfojvt]

6. apologize

"to end (or more commonly, escalate) an argument by ostensibly taking the blame. Experts in the area (i.e. people who have spent alot of time in male-female interactions) are able to make an apology in such a way as to cause the recipient of the apology to look like the guilty party and/or feel angrier than he or she did prior to receiving the apology. It is important to remember that the purpose of an apology is not to accept blame, but rather to make a sarcastic or disparaging remark and yet later be able to say 'I apologized - what more do you want?'"

The book follows this with good and bad examples. The book being "Men who hate women and the women who hate them: the masochistic art of dating" by Nancy Linn-Desmond 1988

[pookieblue]

7. yeah I had that happen with a friend of mine

she managed to make it all my fault too. When it was a matter I was having some serious health issues. and she was upset that I wouldn't drive her around and hang with her.

it still hurts.

[Gormy Cuss]

8. I'm sorry that you don't get my humor.

Lighten up. :sarcasm:


Yes, some people don't apologize, they just mouth the words.

[BlooInBloo]

10. Americans are almost completely unable to admit wrongdoing.

[qnr]

11. What a load of bull. There are 300,000,000 "Americans" - each individuals. n/t

[BlooInBloo]

14. lol! A non-disagreeing disagreement! Genius!

[qnr]

15. heheheh I'm sorry, you were wrong. Oh, wait... um... uh :) n/t

[KurtNYC]

12. agreed - many can not handle even a little guilt

and as a post above says, they argue against your right to have the feelings you have during their non-apology. eg. "sorry you feel that way" ( = hey its your problem and I wish you would shut up about it)

[VenusRising]

13. In one particular case, I would be happy with an "if".

I got an "I don't know what we possibly could have done to make you treat us this way" backhand.

I didn't answer them. I figured if they honestly didn't know, I couldn't help them.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out you abandoned and mistreated your kid.

Why ever would I be mad?:eyes:

[realisticphish]

16. "No offense, but"

"INSERT HIGHLY OFFENSIVE PHRASE HERE"

It pisses me off. It has its place, as in "i'm not trying to offend you, but i'm speaking frankly." But it's majorly overused as a smoke screen for douchebaggery

[KurtNYC]

19. eww. that and its cousins: "Don't take this personally but you _____"

Don't take this the wrong way but (offensive and inflammatory remark here)
I'm not prejudiced but ________(racist statement here)___"
I'm not a doctor but (unqualified medical advice)
I'm not a lawyer but you should (totally wrong legal advice here)

[realisticphish]

20. "hey, I like gay people, but"

that's a common one

[CBHagman]

25. Don't forget "with all due respect."

That's often attached to a putdown.

[idgiehkt]

17. yes

that is where you apply forgiveness vs. absolution.

forgiveness is letting go of anger. absolution is removal of consequences. You can forgive someone without absolving them. God absolves, some say priests absolve. I can't absolve. If a person hurt me, goes into something with the full knowledge of what they are doing, that it will be hurtful, a consequence may be that I won't let them back into my life. I forgave, but I'm not God and I can't absolve. It's not holding a grudge, it's good old-fashioned self protection.

That 'if' apology sucks but it is a nice gesture...but if they don't know what they did, odds are very great they will do it again. I also believe what I've heard that the greatest sin is to interfere with the growth of another human being. And if I don't let people have the consequences of their actions, i.e. if I enable them by not protecting myself, then I am interfering with their growth. If someone intentionally wrongs me without remorse (and I've had alot of experience with that one lately) then at that moment when I know what the deal is I completely pull all my energy out of the relationship, cut them off, and release them to their karma. They have to learn and grow, and for me to interfere with that process is wrong. By the same token, self-preservation is a god-given right and duty. To not practice it is almost always enabling or codependent with exceptions like charity work, or parenting or being a guardian of some sort for others. In 12 step they always say 'who do you think you are to interfere in that way with a person's growth'...you have to let them have their pain, their consequences. Tough love is another way of putting it.

[billyskank]

18. I'm sorry that you are upset by what I did

unspoken: but I'm not actually sorry for anything I did

[treestar]

29. That's actually true

They are not backing off on what they did, but expressing some concern that it is upsetting.

[crim son]

21. Some people aren't capable of anything more meaningful.

So I forgive them.

[begin_within]

22. How about "I'm sorry for whatever you think I did wrong."

It's like saying, "I'm sorry... but I didn't do anything wrong, so in reality I'm not apologizing."

[datasuspect]

23. "sorry" isn't good enough

i expect a motherfucker to know WHY they are wrong and take steps to modify their behavior in the future.

otherwise, the apology ain't worth shit.

[idgiehkt]

30. yeah

in that case the apology is for them, not for you. They are trying to make themselves feel better, to assuage their guilt. Kind of like a double-decker crap sandwich.

[speedoo]

24. As usual, there is a funny Seinfeld episode about this.

Featuring James Spader as the non-apologist to silly George.

[Jade Fox]

26. I'm sorry, but........

rationalize, rationalize, rationalize.....

A real apology requires complete ownership of ones actions, and the acknowledgment that those actions were wrong or hurtful. For some reason a lot of people find that nearly impossible to do.

[deucemagnet]

27. I hate that one the worst.

Apologies with "buts" aren't apologies, in my book. :grr:

[Aristus]

28. Just once, I'd like to hear a politician say: "That was a rotten thing to do. I was wrong,

and I'm sorry."

Just once...

[grace0418]

31. "I'm sorry you're offended" is one of my favorites. I call it a Republican apology.

For obvious reasons.

[AmyDeLune]

32. My fave; "It was both our fault."

translation: "Since you reacted to the hurtful/stupid/mean thing I did/said, it's really all your fault."

I used to work with someone like that. So glad he finally quit.