What should I do after the Rapture? - Democratic Underground

HawkerHurricane

(1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore

Fri Jan-23-04 10:57 PM
Original message

What should I do after the Rapture?

First off, there will be many theories about the Missing, and many will take the opportunity to spout their screed on television. Some will describe the Rapture. You that are left behind will only be able to know by judging the empty churches. Is only one church gone, or only select members of every Christian congregation? A key thought to interpreting and judging these broadcasts is this: All the real Christians are gone.

Anyone left, however strident or compassionate, was Wrong.

Beware religious leaders. Either The Pope, or Jerry Falwell will still be on Earth. They can't both be right. Maybe both are wrong, and remain. Expect the spiritual landscape to go NUTS. Some Christians have postulated that immediately after the Rapture, the churches will be full. These people are not students of history. Humans have NEVER been happy to be on the losing side. The big question: are they going to attack remaining 'Christians' or burn the empty churches first?

What do I do IMMEDIATELY after the Rapture?

Once you are sure that the Rapture has taken place, there are some things you NEED to do. And some things you will NEED to have on hand. Use this checklist to shop accordingly, and soon. For we know not when you will need this stuff.

Those Christian bumper stickers are a giveaway. After the Rapture, they could be a DEAD giveaway. It is every Christian's right and duty to show their faith, and cut people off so they can see the adhesive word of the Lord up close. But you won't want to draw attention after your Big Mistake is made manifest. Keep a sticker for a local sports team, or the Darwin Fish, in the car, and place it over Christian bumper stickers as necessary.

You'll want to find the hole in your faith that left you on Earth, and correct your personal doctrine to match.

First, examination of the list of the Newly Missing should provide clues to Who Won.

Next, with the Winning Doctrine identified, you'll want to study up before the Millenial Kingdom of God is at hand. This will be a bad time to be at the Mall, asking the Gospel Bookstore lady for the CORRECT Bible. It will be equally dangerous to loot the emptied churches for literature. The only solution is to stock up NOW. Find every version of the Bible, and other religious doctrine. You can always burn the other losing ones for fuel, later.

You'll need to study, to pray, and to worship. If the Amish went up, you only need three people, anywhere, to do this. If it turns out the Catholics were right, we're going to need a lot more equipment. Again, preparation is the key. The price of a Post Rapture rosary will be either meaningless, or thousands of dollars. Start collecting, preferably in a hidden chamber.

Dietary restrictions. It is recommended that you prepare separate blank shopping lists to match the different faiths. For example, if the Mormons won, you'll want it to look like you NEVER drank coke or coffee. Vet your trash, as necessary.

Circumcision. Many think this is not required for salvation. Some fringe sects, though, think it was a recruiting decision, not a divine one, in that the cut was a real deal-breaker for early Gentiles. It may turn out to be required. Three Choices: Do it now, with general anasthetic and a private doctor; when the Army Of God recruits you for the final Battle with the AntiChrist, with Army Doctors; do it yourself, to yourself. Choose wisely.

Birth Control. Make sure anything you may currently practice is removeable, reversible, or flushable, as may be required.

Beard. Grow one. You may need it. One bible version says not to shave, it is a pagan practice. On the Day After, being bearded or clean-shaven will probably not draw attention. Stubble may point you out as one that has Figured It Out to the Wrong People.

Televangelists. Pay cash. Anonymously. Right or wrong, you don't want the torch-waving mobs to find a paper trail to you.

We hope this helps you prepare for the coming Second Coming. And look on the bright side: one way or another, the JW's won't be coming door to door anymore.

They'll be Gone or Wrong,
and no more ding-dong.

http://elephanticity.250x.com/rapture.html