Need some DU loving

[Giant Robot]

So I was at my mom's over the weekend as there was some extended family visiting and I was saying hi. While mom and I were chatting she asked if I had heard that Bill, a good friend of the family had passed away. My words back to her, and I never swear in front of my mom, were "Oh fuck." I hadn't heard that, didn't know, never heard anything. He had passed away in October of last year. He was never very healthy, but this was a horrible shock.

Now I am just stuck on that. I am stunned, still, and I am very very angry with myself. I would say at least once a month that I should pop in and see him, since, well he lived in the same town I do, and go have a beer. I would say this year after year. Eventually I was embarrassed that I hadn't bothered to see him in so long that my embarrassment became another obstacle to seeing him. Oh yes, and there was always something going on, or I was too tired, or had to work, or had to do this or that. I could have gone. I could have done something to at least say hi. I have not seen him since my sainted father died, and he came to the memorial. He told me, stop in some time and we'll go have a beer. I always remembered that.

I've pretty well fucked myself up. I did not make any effort to see him. I could have spent some more time with him, because he was a really cool guy, intelligent, funny with a sarcastic sense of humor, and was on the geeky side as well, which endeared him to me. I'm beating myself up a lot and I don't know how to move with this. It hurts, and I am angry with myself beyond measure right now. And I miss him.

I'm not sure what I need right now. I'm at work listening to some light music hoping that helps. Some co-workers will be in soon that maybe I can talk to about this, cause I really don't like this at all. I just wanted to say this to someone.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. I'm so sorry for your loss, but cut yourself some slack.

Sometimes the best intentions get sidelined by life. You were obviously a good friend to him.

:hug:

[Giant Robot]

2. Thank you

:hug:

I don't know why I am torturing myself over this, but this really sucks.

[Madrone]

3. A similar thing happened to me...

I lived next to an elderly woman for 6 or 7 years that I became very close to. I sort of took her on as family, as she had none and mine all live on the other side of the country. I got into some landlord issues, so I moved. She was tore up about me moving, although she was happy to see me get away from the asshole landlord. I kept telling myself after I moved that I needed to get over and visit her but always had some "reason" I didn't make it over. A month after I moved I found out she died. Worse, the last time I had any contact with her SHE called ME, telling me how much she missed me and "that dog" (she loved my pets) ... I told her I'd see her soon ... and I never did.

I know Helen would never in a million years want me to feel badly about not seeing her ... she knew how life could get busy, and she knew I loved her. She understood, and I KNOW she did. So while I feel bad that I didn't get to say goodbye, I do NOT feel guilty. I know that she knows ... and I know that she understands. I believe your friend knows how you feel and understands too. He isn't holding it against you, and he wouldn't want you to hold it against yourself either.

Peace.

[Giant Robot]

4. Thank you

That was a nice reminder that he probably would not want this for me either.

[Giant Robot]

5. Shameless self kick