"you can even taste the difference"

[datasuspect]

"more fun the whole family will enjoy"

"and it works!"

"no muss, no fuss, no bother"

"happening hits from today's brightest stars"

"the 3-in-1 modern solution"

[Richardo]

1. It's only a dollar....

Step right up, step right up, step right up,
Everyone's a winner, bargains galore
That's right, you too can be the proud owner
Of the quality goes in before the name goes on
One-tenth of a dollar, one-tenth of a dollar, we got service after sales
You need perfume? we got perfume, how 'bout an engagement ring?
Something for the little lady, something for the little lady,
Something for the little lady, hmm
Three for a dollar
We got a year-end clearance, we got a white sale
And a smoke-damaged furniture, you can drive it away today
Act now, act now, and receive as our gift, our gift to you
They come in all colors, one size fits all
No muss, no fuss, no spills, you're tired of kitchen drudgery
Everything must go, going out of business, going out of business
Going out of business sale
Fifty percent off original retail price, skip the middle man
Don't settle for less
How do we do it? how do we do it? volume, volume, turn up the volume
Now you've heard it advertised, don't hesitate
Don't be caught with your drawers down,
Don't be caught with your drawers down
You can step right up, step right up

That's right, it filets, it chops, it dices, slices,
Never stops, lasts a lifetime, mows your lawn
And it mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
It gets rid of unwanted facial hair, it gets rid of embarrassing age spots,
It delivers a pizza, and it lengthens, and it strengthens
And it finds that slipper that's been at large
under the chaise lounge for several weeks
And it plays a mean Rhythm Master,
It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
And it's only a dollar, step right up, it's only a dollar, step right up

'Cause it forges your signature
If not completely satisfied, mail back unused portion of product
For complete refund of price of purchase
Step right up
Please allow thirty days for delivery, don't be fooled by cheap imitations
You can live in it, live in it, laugh in it, love in it
Swim in it, sleep in it,
Live in it, swim in it, laugh in it, love in it
Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets, that's right
And it entertains visiting relatives, it turns a sandwich into a banquet
Tired of being the life of the party?
Change your shorts, change your life, change your life
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy, get rid of your wife,
And it walks your dog, and it doubles on sax
Doubles on sax, you can jump back Jack, see you later alligator
See you later alligator
And it steals your car
It gets rid of your gambling debts, it quits smoking
It's a friend, and it's a companion,
And it's the only product you will ever need
Follow these easy assembly instructions it never needs ironing
Well it takes weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff,
Gives you dandruff, and it finds you a job, it is a job
And it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange,
And it gives you denture breath
And you know it's a friend, and it's a companion
And it gets rid of your traveler's checks
It's new, it's improved, it's old-fashioned
Well it takes care of business, never needs winding,
Never needs winding, never needs winding
Gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of psoriasis,
Christ, you don't know the meaning of heartbreak, buddy,
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon
'Cause it's effective, it's defective, it creates household odors,
It disinfects, it sanitizes for your protection
It gives you an erection, it wins the election
Why put up with painful corns any longer?
It's a redeemable coupon, no obligation, no salesman will visit your home
We got a jackpot, jackpot, jackpot, prizes, prizes, prizes, all work guaranteed
How do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it
We need your business, we're going out of business
We'll give you the business
Get on the business end of our going-out-of-business sale
Receive our free brochure, free brochure
Read the easy-to-follow assembly instructions, batteries not included
Send before midnight tomorrow, terms available,
Step right up, step right up, step right up
You got it buddy: the large print giveth, and the small print taketh away
Step right up, you can step right up, you can step right up
C'mon step right up
(Get away from me kid, you bother me...)
Step right up, step right up, step right up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon
Step right up, you can step right up, c'mon and step right up,
C'mon and step right up

[datasuspect]

2. "so foolproof, you can even use it on yourself"

[Richard Steele]

3. And don't forget to SAVE THOSE WRAPPERS!

[datasuspect]

4. "some assembly required"

[Richard Steele]

8. "serving suggestion"

[datasuspect]

13. "get yours now before it's too late"

[Richard Steele]

15. "be the first on your block"

[datasuspect]

16. "available at participating locations"

[Richard Steele]

20. "VOID where prohibited"

[datasuspect]

22. "quantities are limited"

[Richard Steele]

25. "Only her hairdresser knows for sure":

[Sock Puppet]

5. batteries not included

[datasuspect]

6. "sold by weight, not volume"

[Sock Puppet]

7. contents may settle in transit

[datasuspect]

10. "serving suggestion"

[Richardo]

9. "past performance is not an indicator of future results"

[datasuspect]

11. "as always, consult your financial advisor for details"

[evlbstrd]

12. Side effects may include anal leakage or death.

[datasuspect]

14. "talk to your doctor about xanaflax, the once daily solution to painful existential alienation"

[meegbear]

17. Man, those tampon commericals are really getting crass

:hide:

[datasuspect]

18. "for days when you have that "not so fresh feeling""

[Richardo]

19. "If you have erections lasting over four hours, call your doctor"

To brag? :shrug:

[datasuspect]

21. "sexual side effects are varied. impotence, lack of ejaculation have been reported in some cases"

[Richardo]

23. .

[Richard Steele]

24. I haven't bought that brand of potato chips since I read that!