Does your family have a "secret" that nobody is supposed to mention?

[begin_within]

Not an actual mystery as in my other thread - something which is known, but the family somehow decided it was never going to be discussed, even if only family members are present? For example, at the Thanksgiving dinner table, if one of the younguns brings it up... "Uncle Elbert had a ______ !" the result is an interminable 15 seconds of tense, awkward silence where the only sound is that of a butter knife being dropped... ...the parents of the youngun exchange accusatory glares which say, "You didn't have the talk with him about that?"... until finally one of the adults who hasn't had too much to drink and still has their wits about them suddenly brings up a new topic, much to the great relief of everyone, and the dinner converstion returns to stasis... except for sotto voce admonishments in the hallway as the dishes are being cleared... "Junior, um... we don't actually talk about Uncle Elbert, you see..."

Anyone have any hushed family secrets to share?

[jobycom]

1. You mean, like, only one?

I have a mentally ill brother, a dead sociopathic brother, an alcoholic sister, and me--the vegetarian, atheist, liberal. Yeah, between us, we've managed a few awkward topics. And that's not even mentioning my parents.

It's not so much that the family gets silent when these topics pop up in conversation, as no one will raise them if there is more than one other family member in the room. For that matter, we all seem to arrange it so that we are all never in the room together in the first place. I think we've all been together in one place once in the last decade, and that was while cleaning up after Hurricane Katrina.

[liberaldemocrat7]

19. My mother told me a year ago, of a family secret.

My mother has reached 85 this year. My father died in 2004. My mother told me that sometime after 1964 they would have these interesting wild parties. In our modest 2 level home in suburbia on Long Island, my parents would open a secret door and hold a party about every 2 or 3 months. We have since moved from that house but she still would not tell me the location of the secret hidden door which led to the party room.

Anyway, she would have over Robert Kennedy and his wife Eunice, Hubert Humphrey and Muriel, the Johnsons, Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara, the Monkees would come occaisonally if not on tour, Timothy Leary, Ed Sullivan, The Doors, and Big Brother and the Holding company. I never got to see these parties. I never knew they had happened.

Fidel Castro wanted in, but my mom would not have any part of him, or his brother Raul. Yes she considered herself a liberal as my Father did but she didn't want any commies coming over.

Anyway the parties happened until about late 1967.

Amazing how me a teenager of about 14 when these parties happened and my parents would every two months slip behind a hidden door and go wild.

After my mom told me about these parties she gave me a box.

[amitten]

31. And what sorts of interesting pictures have you seen?

Hmm...???

[LeftyMom]

2. There used to be.

My uncle died very young of "cancer." His "roommate" died of the same "cancer" about a year later. They have much better "cancer" drugs now. I was a kid at the time and only heard the real story from my mother. My uncle had some up to say goodbye before he looked sick, I had thought him a very handsome and romantic figure with his important work in the big city and his fancy suit, but had no idea of the significance of his visit and spent most of it on back homework. I didn't know he was dying until his last week, when I was told we were losing him to cancer (true, but it was of the opportunistic sort, a bit like saying a man pushed off of a building died of a fall, the truth but not the whole truth.)

Most of my family eventually got the fuck over it and stopped betraying my uncle's memory based on their religious sensibilities. My very elderly and very Baptist grandmother eventually became one of the most vocal defenders of the rights of GLBT people I've ever encountered, I think partly as her way of honoring her youngest son.

My father and one of my aunts still don't talk about it though.

[begin_within]

6. That's an amazing post - thanks

[Blue_Tires]

59. i had a cousin in a similar situation

lost him in january....he was loved by everyone in the family, and his companion even attended the funeral, but out of the 100+ people there the entire day, the words 'gay' or 'hiv' were NEVER uttered...everyone knew, but no one could say the words

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. My dear bob_weaver...

Well, we used to have one...

I never knew until I was probably a teenager...

But my dad's mom wasn't really his mom at all...

His bio mom had died in childbirth with their fourth child, who also died...

It was always hush-hush...

I don't even remember who spilled the beans, or how, or exactly when...

I remember feeling sad about it, and wondering what sort of lady my bio grandmom had been. It was years before I saw any pics of her...

She was beautiful, and strong looking...It was such a waste...

Of course, I still loved my step-grandmom! She was a very cool lady, and strong too...

It couldn't have been easy to come into a young family that had suffered such a loss...

[u4ic]

4. Abuse

physical, emotional, psychological, sexual (I can only speak for myself about the last one)

[Adsos Letter]

8. I'm sorry u4ic...

...that is a terrible thing. I hope you have found as much healing as possible.

:hug:

[u4ic]

10. Thank you

after many years, and lots of hard work, I have. :hug:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

9. ...

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[u4ic]

11. Thank you

:hug: :hug: :*

[CaliforniaPeggy]

13. My dear u4ic...

My heart goes out to you, sweetie...

What you just did takes real courage....

I salute you for that, and for all your hard work...

And if a smiley can help, then this one's for you...

[u4ic]

27. Peggy, that is a beautiful smiley

I thank you for that and your kind words. :hug: :loveya:

[Left Is Write]

22. ...

:hug:

[u4ic]

28. .

:hug:

[RFKHumphreyObama]

29. I'm so, so sorry to hear that U4IC

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I hope you are okay :hug: :hug: :hug:

[u4ic]

49. Thank you, my friend

I have done a lot of healing over the years. :hug:

[Maraya1969]

32. u4ic

:hug:

[u4ic]

50. .

:hug:

[I Have A Dream]

44. I'm so sorry, my dear, sweet friend. What a strong, beautiful woman...

you became in spite of these horrible things.

:hug:

:loveya:

[u4ic]

52. Thank you, my dear friend

In terms of healing, it felt like a do or die situation - and I didn't want to do the latter.

:hug: :loveya: :hug: :loveya: :hug:

[Debi]

51. Oh U4ic

:hug: What a terrible burden to carry.

[u4ic]

56. Thank you, Debi

I unloaded the burden a few years ago. It was too draining to carry anymore. :hug:

[Xipe Totec]

60. Madredeus - "Ainda"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rqhrOAts34

I am saying
some things.
I am learning
some others.

Some are truths,
some are questions.
Friendships,
adventures.

Those who achieve,
live far away
from change
and from their name.

Happiness,
idle sadness,
fantasy,
uncertainty.

Those who advance,
keep love,
keep hope,
with no favor.

Again,
again.." (Ainda)

[fizzgig]

5. i learned a few years ago

that my dad's dad has a sister

obviously she isn't talked about but i have no idea why

[Adsos Letter]

7. My mom wasn't married when I was concieved...

...for years I was told that my biological father had been killed in an accident while in the Navy, shortly before my birth. There was a whole backstory to it, and all the relatives...well, upon later reflection, I guess I realized nobody ever really brought it up.

She didn't ell me about it until after I got home from the Army and I was having dinner at the house with her and the "dad' who had adopted me at 2 yrs. old.

Actually, it was no big deal to me...but she stressed about it for years, apparently, before she finally told me.

She came from a small town (tiny) in Northern California; her father was the local CDF district ranger and, I guess because of the "scandal" associated with such things in that place and time, they just created a story about it. She had been away at UCSF getting her BA and teacher's credential, everyone believed she had a boyfriend in the Navy (though I'm not sure that was actually true) so i guess it was easy enough to make the thing up. Apparently a doctor who was also a close family friend assisted with the "paperwork".

I feel bad for my mom about the whole thing; she carried a lot of guilt about it through her life (she passed at 51 from alcoholism).

I wish I knew who the guy was just for that side of the medical history and to see what he looked like.

False guilt sucks and is a destroyer...

[Chan790]

12. I'm the first "oldest child" in 4 generations not to be conceived prior to the trip down the aisle.

So, because 1/2 my family is conceived out of wedlock, nobody talks about it and everybody pretends it's not true.

[MountainLaurel]

16. That was a family rule

Until a family reunion a couple years ago, where I swear all the women in the family except for my mom sat around and related their stories of telling the family patriarch (my great-grandfather) that they'd gotten knocked up. My mom, who was very shy and bookish, was the only one who hadn't gotten pregnant at 16.

[yurbud]

43. is there another reason people get married?

[SarahB]

14. yes

And I was "the bad seed" for mentioning them usually. No major trauma directed toward me, just lots of secrets, cheating, hypocrisy, and drama by "good, solid, churchfolk". :eyes:

[MountainLaurel]

15. The reasons my uncles never come to visit

Except for maybe once every 10 years or so. My grandmother can mention that they've called and what's new with them, but no one can talk about the fact that they moved thousands of miles away after my grandfather died (and it became clear that my grandmother was going to need assistance to get by) and rarely come to visit her, even if they're within a couple hundred miles.

[rug]

17. We never discuss the Bund.

[amitten]

30. Ted Bundy? n/t

[Fire Walk With Me]

18. My family is from France. We like to consume mass quantities.

I can say nothing more. My father unit would be displeased.

"'Astronauts to the Moon.' Hahahaha!"

[HamdenRice]

20. My great grandmother apparently was an Irish whore

I'm not sure whether this qualifies as a secret or mystery. My maternal grandmother, who was a complete sweetheart, grew up in an orphanage. She was very exotic looking with light copper skin with long hair. Even though she grew up in an orphanage, she was not split up from her sister and somehow always stayed close to her brother.

The story was that my grandmother's mother was a "dance hall girl" whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean. She was either Irish or half Irish. My grandmother's father was described variously as American Indian or West Indian.

Odd part is that my grandmother knew her parents. Her parents visited her (separately, I believe), and even my mother I believe met one of them at least once.

When my grandmother's father died, he left a long braid and an elaborate pipe, sometimes described as a "peacepipe" which added credence to the idea that he was American Indian.

Only when I became an adult and started understanding the many Caribbean communities in New York and scrutinized pictures of my grandmother and her brother and sister, did my sister, cousins and I realize that my grandmother's father was undoubtedly an East Indian from the West Indians -- such as you find in Trinidad and Guyana -- hence all the confusion about his "Indianess". (The Indian laborers, then called "coolies," were brought to the Caribbean to replace slaves after emancipation.)

Then we began thinking: Irish "dance hall girl" gets preggers by an immigrant Indian laborer from the West Indies in the 1890s, deposits kids in a group home -- doesn't sound too savory, if you know what I mean.

So I suppose the secret was that she was referred to as a "dance hall girl" rather than as a 'ho.

[Chan790]

24. Dance hall girls

were women, common in the wild west and Alaskan goldstrike eras, who charged by the dance for the right to dance with them. (A dance implicitly carried with it the promise of a drink.) They received commission (from the house) on any drink past the 1st bought for them by a "patron" (a John.) Mostly though, they worked for tips. (Think cocktail waitresses in Vegas. If one brings you luck, you tip her for her company.)

There was no direct correlation (dance hall girl is not a euphimism for prostitute) but many dance hall girls were, in reality, also prostitutes. The hours matched up well. Dance until 2am, make until 6am or so, sleep until the saloon opened again at 4pm. Almost all doubled as hostesses (women on the payroll paid to keep company, facilitate fun and encourage patrons to drink, gamble and throw money around. (Think paid to be Paris Hilton basically.))

There is an amazing book I just read on the topic called "Good Time Girls of the Alaskan/Yukon Goldrush." by Lael Morgan

[Left Is Write]

21. Not that I'm aware of. There are, of course, the "irregularities" you might find in any family...

but as far as I know, none is forbidden from discussion.

There are things I wouldn't bring up at a holiday dinner, though, because they could be hurtful.

[ChoralScholar]

23. My biological mother had a daughter

back in the 60s that she smothered to death.

I wasn't told until I was grown. This past year, I went and did the research to find her unmarked grave - no one had been there since the funeral in 1967. I got a marker and some flowers for it.

My dad went with me - no one else knows I went.

[rainbow4321]

25. My ex MIL got "impregnated" by her husband--while he was overseas

And my ex husband didn't find this out til he was 30 y/o. I had contacted the guy who we thought was his estranged biological father (her 1st of 5 husbands)..sent a letter saying basically "this is a pic of your son and granddaughter, if you'd like to contact all of us here's our number, if not, we understand, blah, blah, blah".
The guy called one night and spoke to my then-husband...I wasn't home from work yet so he got the call. The man was very nice, kind of apologetic, and then told my then-husband "I was overseas when you were conceived". Whoops. The guy never did elaborate.
Our daughter has hair color/features not from either us or recent generations, for that matter...I learned from ex MIL's long time girlfriend that these features came from whoever did get her pregnant while her husband was overseas. She had commented on my daughter's hair/skin color and I said "Wellll, there IS a branch of the family that we know nothing about". She grinned and said "yeah, and that is where it came from".
Turns out the entire family (including my ex's sisters) knew the truth but no one ever told **him**.
Ex-MIL still refers to the first husband as his biological dad and my ex never has confronted her about the lie.

[Geek_Girl]

26. I found out very recently that my Grandfather worked for the mob when he was very young

I just found out recently. It was pretty shocking I think it may have been one of those topics that the family would not discuss when I was a child. When my grandmother passed away a few months ago my Uncle started talking about it and the cat was out of the bag.

[BlueIris]

33. A branch our family is African-American.

This isn't really a secret among the sane members of our largely caucasion, Midwest-based clan. My parents talked about it all the time when I was growing up in Oregon, mostly because they didn't want me or my sister to be ignorant about our family history just because other members of our family were racist assholes.

We don't know who they were or are at this time, because some of our relatives, the self-appointed gatekeepers of our geneaological records, worked hard to obscure our family origins before about 1890. I mean, I guess I or someone else could research it some day and find out, but as far as I know, no one's done it yet. My father says he thinks that our distant relatives' desire to cut all ties with the black members of our family is why a lot of them left Virginia for Missouri suddenly circa 1820, after changing the spelling of our last name.

[annonymous]

34. My paternal grandfather was an alcoholic

My paternal grandfather died before I was born and I heard very little of him from my father or other relatives. I only found out he was an alcoholic when my parents got into an arguement about whose family had the largest number of crazy relatives. This is also when I found out I had an maternal aunt who died in a sanitarium years before I was born. Mental illness was very hush-hush in my family.

[Dragonbreathp9d]

35. my dad's daughter from another marriage

that none of us have heard from in 14 years

[seemunkee]

36. My uncles two trips to the psych ward in the navy

Something about taking an amphibious assault vehicle for a drunken joy ride in Boston harbor.

[AngryAmish]

37. An aunt of mine made fried chicken with cornflakes

We NEVER talk about that one anymore.

[Rabrrrrrr]

38. There was, but I don't allow "secrets" and "taboos" and "shame" - I believe in truth.

I speak the truth, and a few others in the family do as well, and the rest of the family are now finally starting to be ashamed of the things like cancer, alcoholism, bad parenting, out-of-wedlock children, and so on, that have plagued our family.

[Patiod]

39. My birthmother never told anyone about me

Except my birthfather, who then revealed that he was married and had kids in another state (he was doing a fellowship at the hospital where she worked)

She had promised her younger siblings that they could move in with her to escape their alcoholic father, and she didn't want to have anything stop that plan. She was also concerned that her mother would insist that she keep the baby, so she managed to hide the pregnancy (she won't tell me how), have the baby (me) and go on with her plan to keep working and have the family move in with her.

She's never mentioned it to anyone since, even her boyfriend of 20 years. I've respected her wishes to continue to keep this all under wraps, but I'm scared that if something happens to her, no one will let me know...

[Ellen Forradalom]

40. My brother has bright red hair

If anyone knew there was a carrottop in the family, it'd be all over.

:-)

[begin_within]

41. Does he dye it?

[Ellen Forradalom]

53. He's a born flaming redhead

and proud of it. When he visited my uncle in Southeast Asia during his teen years, his locks attracted a crowd wherever he went.

[begin_within]

55. When I went to China in 1999,

(on a business trip, to an area rarely visited by foreign tourists) people stared at me in wonder - because I was probably the first and last person they would ever see in their lives that has blond hair and blue eyes.

[yurbud]

42. the gimp.

No matter what sounds come from the attic or bodily fluids leak from the light fixtures, we're supposed to pretend no one is in the attic in a trunk.

[quiet.american]

45. I don't know. n/t

[begin_within]

46. And there's always Flora Bush...

http://florabush.com/

[raccoon]

47. My father was married and divorced before he married my mother.

This was in the 1940's when there was still stigma attached to divorce, but c'mon!

This was a deep dark secret until I accidentally discovered it when I was 13.

[noonwitch]

48. Lots of them

1. My grandfather's mother was born jewish.
2. My grandma cheated on my grandpa with his best friend.
3. My grandpa's younger brother was a violent pedophile, and so was one of that brother's sons. Both are dead now.
4. My grandparents got married because he knocked her up.
5. My oldest uncle got married for the same reason.

There are more-this is just my mom's family. It's to the point where whenever I see them, I have to ask what are we keeping secret from whom this week, or I inevitably ruin someone's secret.

My dad's family really doesn't have any secrets-they are pretty open about who is a drunk and who isn't.

[texanwitch]

54. The deep dark secret is that my parents had to get married.

My brother was born a little to soon.

Everybody knows about but no talked about it.

[NC_Nurse]

57. Both of my granmothers were abandoned by their dads.

I don't know anything about them.

[ZombieNixon]

58. These are things that were secrets to me anyway...

My great-aunt (father's mother's sister) bucked family tradition by learning to read and write (girls, well, didn't in those days...my grandmother soon followed suit), and became a fairly well know writer during the Indian Independence period. I had no idea she existed until a few months ago.

Also, my grandmother (mother's side) or great grandmother had a red-haired, freckled, green-eyed cousin who ran off with a British soldier. :P

[YellowRubberDuckie]

61. My dad's brother has raped or attempted to rape most of the women in my family...

My cousin is scared to death of men to this day and is in a really fucked up lesbian relationship (No self worth plus mental illness and abuse) because he consistently raped her from the age of 8. Thank GOD my grandmother walked in on them and kicked his ass. Then he raped my mother and attempted to rape my sister. Thank God my mother kept him out of our house from the time I was at the age he liked little girls. Also, I was a chubby little thing, and he didn't like chubby little girls. My dad would flip if you brought it up.
Good NewS: The asshole child molester had a lung removed and died a painful wheezing death from pneumonia several years later.
Duckie