Someone said the date to me today... and it unexpectantly choked me up...

[salin]

I heard the date - August 8th... It is my late father's birthday. I thought I was passed the point of getting choked up with sadness over his death (in 1992) - but hearing the date... somehow today struck me (he died 15 years ago) - and I had to go into a private office and collect myself. I haven't had such a wave of sorrow in years. Until today, I thought I was in the place of grieving (and had been for more than a decade) when thinking about my father brought warmth in the memories - sort of like being briefly enveloped in a warm comfy blanket when talking about my Dad - not that I forgot the warts he had (and he did have warts) but that those no longer are important - I get then and acknowledge them - but now accept the warm memories, not inflated into raising him beyond what he was - but appreciate the cummulative and enjoy the moments when, for whatever reason, his memory is invoked. This may not make sense to folks who have not lost parents, or who are still in early grieving stages. But from what I understand, it is a regular - and later response to the grieving/healing process.

That said - when this wave of very real and fresh grief swept over me, after another person mentioned the date, it was so unexpected - and overwhelming. Fortunately I had a colleague that I could go to - and share what had just happened - allow the grief to flow over me - and move through it. I much prefer the - think about my father now - and not feel loss, but feel great warmth in the memories and the recognition of how he helped shape who I am.

Grief, I guess, is a funny thing. We may move through it - but I now realize that at some level, way deep in an area we don't recognize, it still exists - even long after we think we have healed. Thankfully, we can move that space of great pain and loss (when it is not fresh) and move back into the space of warmth and healing from the memories.

That said, my mother (widow) called me this evening about something unrelated - and I couldn't bring myself to share with her the experience. Not on this day. Peace to Sam. You are missed - but leave an imprint on many and for the most part we have moved to a place of strength for our life's interaction with you, rather than steeped or stuck in grief (though I was there for a few years) - but even 15 years after you left our life - the reality of the loss of you in our life is still felt. Peace Sam - and thanks for what you passed on to me.

And peace to those that have recently lost loved ones. I can no longer say that the pain ever fully goes away. I haven't been in a space of pain for years per his loss (instead in a space embracing in warmth the memories - without a feeling of loss). Those feelings of grief that come in strong waves will pass - but as I learned today, they may return years later - for a moment, and feel as fresh and painful as ever. But - it is no longer debilitating - and instead quickly passes and returns to the space of great warmth when dwelling in the memories.

Peace,

salin

[GOPisEvil]

1. I can't comment on that sense of grief, but I can offer this:

:hug:

How are you, my friend?

[salin]

3. I am exhausted from work - but good

:hug:

I am still able to take most of life on my own terms. How are things with you?

Per this thread - this was just such unexpected response - and I know many have dealt with recent losses - so I thought I would share it. The whole grief thing can strike, unexpected. Years later. Guess it is still there. But as we heal... it is different.

In a very short period I was back to normal - including thinking about my Dad in warmth (memories) without the pain. Weird - how quick it flooded me - but then went back to normalcy. Maybe those in deep grief right now, can take comfort in that thought (per the progression of the grief).

[GOPisEvil]

4. Things are really good.

Things can always be better, but all in all, I'm a very happy boy.

I'll take some comfort in your words. That day is coming for me at some point.

[salin]

8. The comfort isn't in the short term

it comes (or at least came to me) over time. Moving from great pain, to great comfort. It was just such a shock to move so quickly and unexpectedly into the place of pain and loss that I hadn't dwelt in - in a decade. But it passed and went back to the space of comfort. When the time comes - find grief counseling - it would have helped me move through the pain more quickly. Thanks Dave, btw it is great to cross paths! :toast:

[SeattleGirl]

2. salin, I completely understand.

This past March was the 30th anniversary of my father's death. Like you, I have mostly good memories of him (and he had a few warts himself). But every once in awhile, I am overwhelmed with grief, and with missing him. He died before my daughter was born; she would have been his first grandchild. He died before I graduated from college; he would have been immensely proud of me. He died at the age of 43; far too early.

:hug:

[salin]

7. I would guess that you have more 'triggers' than I

which may be why I was surprised... I didn't know I had triggers.

Before he died, (cancer - so there was a little time to deal with things before he died) I grieved deeply that he wouldn't see me married (I am the youngest) or greet any child of mine... but, funny thing happened in life - I haven't gotten married and am now not likely to have a child - so those trigger points never kicked in (ala his not walking me down the aisle, or holding my child) - so I would guess that you may have triggers (or so I would guess, per the things that made me so devastated before and at the time he died... ala "you will never see when x happens") Glad to hear that the brief wave (years later) isn't unusual.

43 is WAY to young. All that I have read from you, over the years, suggests that he contributed to raising of a pretty phenominal daughter. Guessing that you have passed some of that on to your duaghter. Only say that - to suggest that while you may not have as memories that I have (for comfort) of your father (to balance the wave of grief) - you have, instead, the ability to take comfort in seeing what both you and your daughter (through you) have taken forward in your lives from him.

Thanks for your empathy on this day. It was so unexpected - but for that moment - was as fresh as just after I lost him. :hug:

[supernova]

5. I understand salin

July 30 was my dad's birthday. He would have been 87 this year. He's been gone for 12 years, but I still miss him. Sometimes moreso, because I understand so much more now than I did then. In that respect, it would be so nice to still have him here to talk to.

It's always the little things that we don't think will trip us up, but do.

:hug: :hug:

[salin]

9. Thanks... my response caught me off guard...

this date never struck me the same as it did today. I don't think I have had a serious "grief wave" in years. I will go, several times a year, to his resting place and "converse" - and generally when I share stories of him (and lessons learned) I am left with a satisfied feeling (the warm memories). I didn't realize that the deep pain of loss was still there. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in this reaction. Dad would have been 84 this year.

Thanks again for the hugs. Very much appreciated. :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

6. Thank you, Salin, for your beautiful post...

:hug::hug::hug:

Peace to you, my friend...

[salin]

10. Thank you GoG.

I appreciate the hugs. :hug:

[Zomby Woof]

11. Hi sweetie

:hug: Thanks for the wisdom, and for sharing your love and strength with us.

[Bullwinkle925]

12. My mother passed away 20 yrs. ago . . .

somehow i've managed to insulate my feelings so that i don't feel much of anything - i think of her from time to time, but i don't let my heart *go there* - much too painful. lost my sister 6 yrs. ago and i treat her the same way - insulated.
we all handle sorrow in our own way . . .
hugs to you - i totally understand!

:hug:

[Shine]

13. What a heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing this, salin.

I haven't lost either of my parents yet, but I'm a hospice volunteer, so I'm vicariously aware of the depth and various stages of grief one goes through with great loss. It's a personal journey that each one goes through in their own way. There is no one "right" way to do it and like you said, it can show up, years later. It takes courage to grieve and to feel your feelings deeply. I'm glad you have the wisdom to get the support you need and take care of yourself emotionally.

May the warmth of your beloved father's love be in your heart, forever....What is remembered, lives. Peace to you.

:hug:

[jus_the_facts]

14. Much love and peace to you....

....and yours salin. :hug: :loveya:

[RFKHumphreyObama]

15. Peaces and hugs to you Salin

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Even though my own personal loss of my mother has only been for a few months, I think I have some understanding of where you are coming from -even although I am still coming to terms with my own loss. I haven't had one of her birthdays or a Christmas or the first year anniversary yet and am dreading all of those occasions. I only know from the various anniversaries of her passing -a week, a month, two months and so on that it is incredibly hard.

I think you're right -the experiences brought about by grief and loss brings out different reactions at different time and for those left behind. I think both those emotions are things you can't necessarily predict

Peace and love to you and your family Salin and condolences on the loss of your father :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[salin]

17. socialdemocrat1981,

I am sorry for your recent, and deep loss. :hug: :hug: :hug: For me, those early holidays were really hard. Not the whole day, but waves of moments and profound sadness for the presence that was missing. But that faded with time. Now it is more likely that one of us will remember at a moment that we know he would enjoy - comment upon it "Dad would be loving this conversation...." and everyone would share the thought nod and smile (and sometimes make a toast to him.) May you eventually find that kind of peace. In the meanwhile :hug: :hug:

Thanks for your kind words this morning. And mutually, peace and love to you, and your family always - but especially in the face of your loss. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Bryn]

16. While ago a man on Discovery Channel said this:

"Time doesn't heal pain, it just hide it."


This is so true~ You can never really put it behind you

[salin]

18. A good morning thanks for the thoughtful responses.

It was nice to check-in and read these thoughts as I start the day. Peace to all! Especially dear friends checking in like Zomby and Jus-the-facts. :loveya: !

[buddhamama]

19. good morning...

hugs to you, friend.

i can relate and understand. my Mom passed away 20 yrs ago and there are days when it hits me hard. :(

i wish you well and much love. :hug: :loveya: :hug:

[Maddy McCall]

20. Love to you and Sam.

:hug:

Your post touched me deeply. I still have both my parents...I have no idea how I'll cope with the emotions you experienced today.

:hug:

[idgiehkt]

21. hey

I'm sorry for your loss. I have a sense of bewilderment sometimes in a culture that expects us to be in flight from our feelings, whatever they are. They make us human. I heard once that grief is like a stone dropped in water, the ripples get further apart as the time passes but it never completely disappears. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[YankeyMCC]

22. Lost my Dad in 2004

and I've experienced exactly what you describe. Sometimes your brain is just in a place where the memories affect you in unexpected ways. And sometimes it is surprising what stirs up the memories. Once I was listing to someone on the radio who happened to mention a friend of his passed away recently and there was absolutely nothing similar to my father other than this person's friend was also a father. I had to pull over for a few minutes and that was over a year after my Dad's death.