Introspective Taverner

[Taverner]

For some reason the past few days I've been much more reflective than usual. I wonder - did what I did make any difference? Was I a good person? Did I take advantage of the right opportunities?

IN life, you are handed so many opportunities. Sometimes these opportunities are really pitfalls that can cause great harm. Sometimes they can be overcome. And sometimes, they are, in fact, opportunities - ones that can be exploited and turned into something meaningful and helpful.

There were three major crossroads in my life (that I know about - sometimes the biggest opportunities are pure chance)

1 - Go to college in Oregon/Idaho or stay at Tower Records and keep the band going (1989)

2 - Get on the plane to Thailand for Peace Corps or stay in San Jose and enjoy my early 20's (1992)

3 - Get married or break out on my own (1998)

The first one, I think, is a no brainer. All my ex-bandmates did not have good lives. Two ended up addicted to Heroin, one dying, the other still addicted and looking age 50 at 30. To be honest - we weren't that good. We were the typical Metal/Grunge hybrid that was around in the late 80's.

True, I haven't picked up a guitar since 98, and have no desire to do so. And I often wonder what would have happened if I would have kept with it. But college opened up my world - to things I would have never seen otherwise.

The second, Peace Corps, I can't really look into. Because of Peace Corps, my life took such a radical change that ther's really nothing to compare. If I stayed, my life might be similar - or it might have taken a whole different course. One thing is for certain, I would have never met Tavernerwife; she was a fellow PCV.

The third- to marry or not - still makes me wonder. I love my wife, and love our kids - but I have never lived on my own, directing my own world. It was like life under the parents to life under the Peace Corps, to life under the wife. Even though we run our marriage as a democracy, that still means you have to compromise 50% of the time. I have never been totally master of my life.

Anyway - that's whats on my mind right now.

[flvegan]

1. Any regrets, Tav?

I think that's where the reflection goes.

[Taverner]

3. Hard to say...

For example, I regret not living on my own - as master of my own destiny, but I don't regret getting married.

I regret not seeing how far our band could have gone, but I don't regret going to college

I regret not seeing what was out there for me, but I don't regret doing the Peace Corps.

[flvegan]

5. To me

those aren't regrets. Those are "I really wish I could have...but I did this other good thing instead" to me.

Like, for me, I really wish I could've gone to law school. However, I'm good with where I am, and I'm happy with who I am, so it's not a regret, just something I wish I could've done.

I understand the "living on my own" thing. I got to, and I miss it sometimes.

[Taverner]

13. It is nice to be master of one's destiny

[Shine]

2. Are you pushing 30, by any chance?

just out of curiosity...

[Taverner]

4. Hell, just turned 37

Years 30-35 were all about me me me

35-now have been all about kids kids kids

[Shine]

6. Hey, I can relate to it being all about the kids....and I'm 6 yrs older!

:D

IMO, creating Balance is really important when one is a parent, esp with really young kids, like you're dealing with. Make sure you take time for yourself and your relationship with your wife, above all. Don't get stuck in the role of "Mommy&Daddy" all the time, which is the challenge.

Introspection is a good thing. It's worth taking the time to self reflect. :thumbsup: It's a sign of wisdom.

[Taverner]

8. Ahh but balance is the hardest to create

Because so much of parenting is "OH MY GOD I GOTTA DO THIS!!!"

Wifey and I took a vacation sans kids to Mendocino this weekend - and it was good. Very good.

I just wish I had more of those kinds of moments...

[Shine]

9. Believe me, friend, I KNOW and can totally relate!

I'm glad you and wifey got some precious alone time in Mendocino. I love that town! Gorgeous.

MrShine and I are going away, sans kids, next w/e to Calistoga. Can't wait!! Loud sex, what a concept. :evilgrin: :woohoo:

[Taverner]

11. Calistoga is mighty fine as well

Hell, we live in paradise. That's the irony.

So many of us Californians just seem - sad. And we live in the closest approximation to heaven on Earth.

But yeah - We need to do more stuff together - without the kids.

Problem with Toddlers and Young Kids - you spend enough time around them, you end up thinking like them. Myopic in that 4-year-old sort of way.

[Shine]

14. I'M not sad! I have a great, abundant, loving and happy life

for which I give thanks, everyday. I never take that stuff for granted. Having kids is great, but romantic getaways, whenever we can get 'em, breathe new life into our marriages, so why not be happy about it? You've just gotta have the commitment and intention to make it happen and it will.

Do you guys have a regular sitter that comes? If not, I'd seriously consider it, Taverner. We've been doing weekly "date nights" since our first born was just a baby and, believe me, it's money well-spent.

Those times, along with the occasional overnite away, have made ALL the difference in our relationship.

We also give each other a lot of personal freedom to go away on our own for a solo-retreat weekend, once in a while. IMO, quality alone time is just as important as quality couple time. :thumbsup:

[sniffa]

7. as for number 3

why Let her hoLd you back? be your own person and sow your oats.

[Taverner]

10. Been there, done that

It was fun for a while - but it got old

Besides its not just about that - it's about charting one's course, unimpeded.

Marriage for me, has been about partnership. Not so much romantic, sexual or even a "soul-mate" but a partnership in life.

Financially, the two of you sink or swim. Parent-wise, you are always have to be 'on.'

[sniffa]

12. but that might reLieve some of your stress/regrets/whatever

and besides, what she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?

[Shine]

15. Are you suggesting he consider being unfaithful to his wife??

:shrug:

:thumbsdown:

[sniffa]

16. but is it cheating if she doesn't know?

or how about if the non-wife is in another area code? or even time zone? sureLy, that can't be considered cheating, no?

[Shine]

17. Sure, it's considered cheating....esp if HE knows.

it's about personal integrity.

ultimately, it's all about whatever agreement they have in their marriage about fidelity. If an open marriage is what they mutually agree to, then it doesn't really matter what he does with another woman.

But, if they have agreed to be monogamous and he breaks that agreement, with or without her knowledge, then yes, it's definitely still considered cheating imo.

[sniffa]

21. makes sense, but what if it's just an onLine booty caLL?

is that stiLL cheating?

[KitchenWitch]

27. Yes, because of intent

[SarahB]

18. Figure out what you want and do it.

I put off what I wanted for my ex for years only to have him relapse with drugs, alcohol and the massive debt it caused us (after I had my third child and 8 pretty good years together). Then when everything was better, ooops, came baby #4 (and another relapse). A few years later, I picked up the pieces, made sacrifices, and while things were certainly not smooth or perfect, I realized my goals and have a damned happy life now.

Like I said, figure out what you want, take care of your kids, and do it. If you're going to be happy down this path in 40 years, keep going. If not, figure out what the Hell you can do to make it better.

[xchrom]

19. if you didn't think about these things --

you would be a less interesting person.

if you don't wrestle with this stuff -- well, i'm trying to be polite -- but folk who don't aren't worth spending much time with.

and there are of course no right answers -- that you do and THINK about what you do and have done.

that's all.

[momophile]

20. as a fellow RPCVer

I'm sure the PC was a major turning point in your life, just as it was in mine and every other RPCV I know. You wouldn't be the same without it.

did you make a difference? Yes. Although sometimes it may feel like we didn't, we really did. I believe this to be true.

[Taverner]

24. Awesome - where did you serve?

I was Thailand 92-95.

Yeah, I don't regret doing Peace Corps at all - I just want to look back and reassess, re-evaluate and recognize.

And part of that is speculating on the path not traveled.

[momophile]

30. Tonga 99-01

it seems like every six months or so I go through a funk about my service and have to reach out to the people in my group. sometimes it all seems so unreal, but at the same time, more real than anything I'll ever experience again. I'm sure you get me.

and cool that there is another Thailand RPCVer on here with you!

take care.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

22. you are an interesting man tav.

:hi:

[NewWaveChick1981]

23. I have two words for you....

Midlife crisis. Or midlife passage. Or whatever you want to call it. :) :hug: When you start to become that introspective about your life, it's starting. :) I've been there, done that... :D You've done a lot of interesting things in your life, and reexamining them in a different light can bring a whole new meaning to your life. :)

If you haven't done so already, I would recommend reading Passages by Gail Sheehy. :)

[crispini]

25. Wow, small world!

I'm an RPCV- Thailand, TEFL-X, from 1990-1992. Kanchanaburi. :hi: Where were you posted and what was your program?

[Taverner]

26. Wow - small world!

Yeah I was RPCV Thailand 92-95 - HIV Prevention - Khon Kaen (Issan)

[crispini]

28. Did you know any of the fish volunteers based in Khon Kaen?

I think Dinkar Mokadam, (sp?) who was in my group, was based in Khon Kaen and might have still been there when you were there. He was one of the fishy crew. :D

Good times, eh? what was the name of that little guest house we all used to stay at on Phra Ahtit road? The OK guesthouse? and you catch the 56 bus to the Peace Corps office, right? :D Was Ginny Kirkwood still the director when you were there?

[Taverner]

29. Yes I know Dinkar - did you know Ray Cox (he was a tree)?

Ginny Was leaving when I got in. Darcy Neill took over shortly afterwards.

I'm not sure about the OK guesthouse, but the PS was popular when I was there. Two beds and a ceiling fan's all ya need!

Did you know Dave Wells?

Shoot me your real name in a PM - we might know each other?

[crispini]

31. Ah yes, the PS guesthouse, that was the name. LOL

I remember Dave Wells -- tall geeky guy, a fish, right? and I think Ray, too, wasn't he shorter with glasses? Haha, I'll send you my name. It is indeed a small world, lol.