My buddy Patrick is in a bad way

[NightTrain]

I just spent a half-hour on the phone with my buddy Patrick, whom I've known since 1990. To say that our conversation was disturbing would be putting it mildly.

God, where to begin?

You know how as people get older, sometimes they inadvertently fall out of contact with some of their friends, even people they've known for years and years? Well, that's what has happened with my old gang over the last few years. We're still friends and all, and we still see each other on occasion. But it's not at all unusual for a year or more to go by when I'm not in touch with any of those folks.

Come to find out, Patrick has been taking this lack of contact from the old crowd personally--to a point at which he was literally crying into the phone tonight about feeling unwanted, and at a time in his life when he's having a lot of other problems and really needs the support network of his old friends. (I won't go into detail about Patrick's other problems. Suffice it to say, most people with his difficulties would also crave a support network to lean on.)

So, how the hell do you reply to that, particularly when you weren't expecting it in the first place?

For my part, I tried to assure Patrick that my not having been in contact with him was nothing personal. I also offered an apology for any mental anguish (for lack of a better phrase) that I may have caused him, and that I certainly would be happy to do whatever I could to help him out.

Unfortunately, I don't think my assurances convinced Patrick. For one thing, of the several people for whom he left messages today, I was the only one who had called him back. Patrick is convinced (incorrectly so, if I know the old gang) that he has been ostracized, and is demanding to know why. I replied that I certainly had not ostracized him, and tried to explain what I wrote above, about old friends sometimes drifting apart for no discernible reason.

I'm concerned that Patrick's mental state is crumbling. I saw this happen before, in 1998, the result of which was that Patrick spent some time in the psychiatric ward of the UConn Health Center. What landed Patrick there was that he had attempted to carve some ancient pagan religious symbol into his lower left arm with a butcher knife, and inadvertently opened an artery! At Patrick's request, I had brought him some things from his apartment that he had wanted for his hospital stay. When I walked into that apartment, the amount of dried blood I saw damned near made me faint! It was even on the ceiling. As such, you can see why I found his phone call tonight disturbing.

I suppose the best I can do is to remain in phone contact with Patrick and see if his frame of mind improves at all. If y'all could send a little love our way, both Patrick and I would very much appreciate it.

Thanks, DU! You're the best. :pals:

[liberalhistorian]

1. Consider it done, Dean!

Can you call some other members of the gang and let them know what's going on? They probably either haven't gotten his messages yet, or they haven't had time to respond. Maybe if they knew the seriousness of his mental state, they wouldn't hesitate to do what they could to reassure Patrick that they still care about him and that he hasn't been ostracized. Maybe you could all take turns visiting him or doing things with him, when you get the chance?

It does, indeed, seem as if his mental state is not good. Maybe you could convince him to at least talk to a professional, and go with him when he does? I know it's hard with your crazy work schedule, but maybe you and any of the other friends could try to spend more time with him until he starts settling down and stabilizing. He may be beyond what some mental health professionals call the "soothing stage", though, in which case you may need more professional intervention. Try to keep in constant contact with him over the next few days, at least.

You're a great friend to try to be there for him like this. It just goes to show what a great person you are (of course, I already knew that, :loveya:!)

[Droopy]

2. Feedlings of warmth and compassion headed your way

Sounds like your friend could use a little therapy if he's not already doing that. I would be surprised to learn that he's not getting help of some sort given his history.

We all go through times in our life when friends drift apart and we feel all alone. I've been going through such an episode over the past few years. There's still one friend that I see regularly, but several have drifted away for, like you say, no discernable reason. Tell your buddy to hang in there. Maybe if you've got the time you could do something with him. It also sounds like he's being a little paranoid. Try to set those fears to rest if you can.

[Mikimouse]

3. Sending many good thoughts to you and Patrick...

Du is a safe place to talk about these things, as I have discovered in the past few months and especially in the past 24 hours. I have had similar experiences with some of my old HS and college friends, from 30 years ago. Circumstances often dictate what we can do and with whom we stay in contact, and it is sometimes easy, especially when we are depressed, to interpret things in a personal manner. It sounds as if Patrick needs to hear from 'the gang', so to speak. Is there a way to contact others from the old group?

[Nikia]

4. Do you live close to him?

I suppose this issue shouldn't be one on convience, but if you an hour or so or less away from him, go over there. If you cannot go tonight, call him and be there tomarrow. It sounds like a last ditch effort to cry out for help. Does he have any close family members or is that part of the problem? If they care anything about him, they should be helping him too.
I hope that he feels better. If you do really care about him and do live close and he has no one, perhaps you could arrange to see each other more often.

[mopinko]

5. uh,

"inadvertently opened an artery""carve some ancient pagan religious symbol into his lower left arm with a butcher knife"
it is pretty hard to open an artery. it's a good thing they didn't buy this story at the hospital.
your friend needs help. and it sounds like he needs it fast.
"Patrick's other problems" ok, just takin a stab at this part, but, is there anything odd about these problems, or the way he sees them?
just trying to get at how deep in trouble he is.
does he have any family or friends close by that you can contact?

[areschild]

6. I hate to say this

but sounds like Patrick is having a nervous (emotional) breakdown and really needs help, possibly in a hospital. I went thru this when I was younger, but not to the point of hurting myself. He may be past the point of simple therapy and need hospitalization. I had some of the same feelings as Patrick; I felt that all my friends were "leaving" me, etc., and I cried a lot, plus a lot of other problems at the time. I hope he gets the help he needs soon. He really needs you right now.

Sending love and prayers.

[ellie]

7. I would definitely

call the old gang and tell them to check up on him. The only thing I got out of sociology class in college was that when people are feeling suicidal, they need to feel a part of something. Keep in contact with him, tell your mutual friends what is going on, let him know he is still part of your inner circle. I don't know how close you are to him, distance-wise, but if you are far away, maybe you can arrange a visit. The planning that goes into such a visit may preoccupy him. Hopefully your friend is ok and bless you for caring so much.

[bleedingheart]

8. Your friend sounds like he needs professional help

I saw this type of behavior in a friend of mine and while you can be there for your friend it is best to get him to some help..

[Pobeka]

9. (((((((*)))))))

Good vibes to you and Patrick!

I am proud that people like you grace the boards of DU. These are hard things to go through, for Patrick but also you. The easy thing for you to do is walk away, but you're not. I applaud your integrity for stickin' with him.