Fifty one-liners

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Thanks, Reader's Digest!

1) A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days – Tim Allen

2) When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always – Rita Rudner

3) Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice – Bill Cosby

4) The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest – Roseanne Barr

5) I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me – Ronnie Shakes

6) A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished –Zsa Zsa Gabor

7) A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it – Bob Hope

8) Money won’t buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy – Spike Milligan

9) Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations – John Mendoza

10) I don’t consider myself bald. I’m simply taller than my hair – Thom Sharp

11) You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the National Basketball Association is Chinese – Chris Rock

12) This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50 – Jay Leno

13) I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not – Fran Lebowitz

14) Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read – Groucho Marx

15) Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow – Jeff Valdez

16) Time’s fun when you’re having flies – Kermit the Frog

17) The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat – Lily Tomlin

18) Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend – Zenna Schaffer

19) It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens – Woody Allen

20) If you haven’t got anything good to say anyone, come and sit by me – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

21) The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue – Dorothy Parker

22) I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them – Bette Midler

23) I used to be Snow White, but I drifted – Mae West

24) Deep down, I’m pretty superficial – Ava Gardner

25) I’ve been on a calendar, but I’ve never been on time – Marilyn Monroe

26) I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Now it’s everywhere I want to be – Scott Wood

27) A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin – H.L. Mencken

28) I drink to make other people interesting – George Jean Nathan

29) Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac – George Carlin

30) Instant gratification takes too long – Carrie Fisher

31) Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams

32) I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places – Henny Youngman

33) You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish – Jerry Seinfeld

34) Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance – Phyllis Diller

35) When you’re eight years old, nothing is your business – Lenny Bruce

36) If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either – Dick Cavett

37) When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half – Gracie Allen

38) Never lend your car to anyone to whom you’ve given birth – Erma Bombeck

39) Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry – Rita Rudner

40) If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better – Maureen Murphy

41) If a woman has to choose between catching a baseball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base – Dave Berry

42) The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass – Martin Hull

43) Football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and committee meetings – George Will

44) I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out – Rodney Dangerfield

45) We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire work of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true – Robert Wilensky

46) It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it – Sam Levenson

47) If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score? – Vince Lombardi

48) What’s another word for thesaurus? – Steven Wright

49) If convenience stores are open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, why do the doors have locks on them? – Gallagher

50) I really didn’t say everything I said – Yogi Berra

[Fire Walk With Me]

1. Thanks, those are above-average.

I especially like #45.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear bob_weaver!

I am howling!

These are some of the best one-liners I've ever read!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I'm bookmarking this one.......

So I can find it the next time I really need to laugh!

:bounce: :bounce:

[DarkTirade]

3. The only one that actually made me 'LOL' was #45.