Is there a Statue of Limitations on being Angry and Bitter?

[RetroLounge]

Last night someone whom I know not very well told me I was angry and bitter and needed to "get over it." :grr:

Is there some specific length of time I am allowed to be angry and bitter over my wife ending our marriage after cheating on me twice and then wanting to use me as her personal banker, handyman, and childcare provider? Have I ran thru the entire alloted angry and bitter supply already for being told she was gay and leaving me for a woman, and then a year later finding she's sleeping with a guy?

I mean, has the god damn statue of limitations run out? :shrug:

if so, then fine, I'm over it and it's all fucking sunshine and unicorns from here on out...

RL

[SPKrazy]

1. no friend

no....

just don't let it run you man


don't let her rent space in your brain!

:hug: :hug:

[RetroLounge]

18. ...

You know, I'm not angry all the time, not even close...

:hug:

RL

[SPKrazy]

23. good...

cause fuck that noise!

:hug:

:thumbsup:

[wildhorses]

2. ~

time.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

19. time

and more time...

:hug:

RL

[BarenakedLady]

3. Nope

There isn't. Fuck em.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

21. ...

:hug:

RL

[TOhioLiberal]

4. Retro...

...my advice to you is to tell him/her to blow it out his/her ass. Then tell him/her to kiss your ass.

[RetroLounge]

22. Good idea...

Not someone I need in my life...

:hug:

RL

[TOhioLiberal]

26. Someone who's that judgemental...

...you can do without. :hug:

[GOPisEvil]

5. He or she that would tell you to "get over it" should walk a mile in your shoes.

We all process things differently. You get through your stuff the way you need to.

[RetroLounge]

24. my thought exactly...

:hug:

RL

[NMDemDist2]

6. if it's making you feel better go for it

if it's not, time to let it go I guess.....

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

25. Yes, letting go...

Been giving to HP but sometimes take it back...

Then let it go again, with claw marks on it... :D

:hug:

RL

[lizziegrace]

7. No, no limit

it's not over until it's over for you. Some people take a short time to heal and others never do. I think you'll get past it, but it will take a while.

And it better not be all sunshine and unicorns. ;) I still want to throttle my ex and our divorce was final over 6 years ago. What he's done to me and our daughter I will probably never get over.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

29. ...

:hug:

RL

[ThomCat]

8. No, and that judgemental nosy person needs to STFU!

x(

You have a right to be angry. It'll settle in its own time. Nobody can dictate how you should feel or when.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

30. Thank you...

:hug:

RL

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

9. There is no statute of limitations on angry and bitter.

It sort of goes away on its own after awhile... but maybe not ever, entirely. I still check the obituaries every now and then to see if my duplicitous, two-timing ex-boyfriend is dead yet. And he dumped me years and years ago. I don't think about him very often any more, but it does take awhile to get over getting kicked in the teeth. Don't let anybody tell you that you "ought" to be over it. That will happen when it happens. Meantime, keep checking the obits.

[RetroLounge]

31. Check the Obits....

:rofl:

No, wouldn't wish that on her. Her "friend" maybe :D

:hug:

RL

[YankeyMCC]

10. F#ck No!

shit, I don't like being angry and bitter (I'm in a similar boat) and I'm sure neither do you but you deal with it on your own time in your own way. sometime maybe i'll - not get over it - but past it - it will just be one more thing that makes me who i am - i just hope i can make that a good bit of character building - time will tell but it's only ourselves that can measure that time not others!

[RetroLounge]

33. That which does not kill us...

:hug:

RL

[YellowRubberDuckie]

11. It's not like it's been fifty years since it's all be finished.

It's still happening.
And honestly, if it were a hundred years from now, you can be as bitter as you want for as long as you want. What a fucking bastard.
Duckie

[RetroLounge]

34. Oh yeah, still happening

But I finally got the bankruptcy set up and the money for it...

one step at a time. Divorce after that...

:hug:

RL

[mzteris]

12. I think we should

fix our ex's up - sounds like they really deserve each other. :grr:


No, there's not statute of limitations. It takes oh so much time - and when kids are involved, you can't just walk away and never ever deal with them again, can you? It gets renewed almost daily.

And you look at the kids and know that the rest of forever is going to be dealing with this "person" - and trying to peacefully coexist for the children's sake because they're the ones who pay the damn price.

So you make effort after effort after effort and try to play nice and be nice and make nice and you still get jammed and accused and abused and then have oh-so-well-meaning family&friends make blithe statements like "oh just get over it" - when they know abso-fuckin-lutely NOTHING about what has gone on and is going on and will likely to continue to go on for the rest of your natural born life.

oops. My sympathy post turned into a rant, din't it? :blush:

hokay - deep cleansing breath . . . kitties, puppies, butterflies . . . focus on the positive. Release the negative. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.


:hug:

[RetroLounge]

35. Oh, Man, I wouldn't do that to your ex-

I'm angry, but not THAT angry :rofl:

:hug:

RL

[mzteris]

44. He deserves it, though.

ijut!

(Him, not you. :hug: )

[RetroLounge]

48. ...

:hug:

RL

[SPKrazy]

100. *snort*

mzteris

that's a great idea i think...

:rofl:

i don't even know retro's ex, and i don't now yours, but two people i care about are hurt and the hurters should be together...

[AlCzervik]

13. thats pretty outrageous.

no one should ever tell you how you should feel or grieve or how long they think it's ok to be "Bitter".

[RetroLounge]

36. thanks

:hug:

RL

[Xipe Totec]

14. Tell that person you'll get over it,

when they admit they were wrong, and pay the consequences.

It's simple, really.

The path to redemption is compunction, contrition, penance, and restoration.

Translation: pay for your sins, then we can talk about forgiveness.

[RetroLounge]

38. pay for your sins, then we can talk about forgiveness

Hmmm. Payment would be awful expensive... and Karma is a mean debt collector...

:hi:

RL

[truedelphi]

64. oooh I like that. n/t

[LibraLiz1973]

15. Well... there is a point where letting it control your life

is very, VERY counter productive.

Sometimes you need to move on. Not get over it, but let go of it.
I believe if you continue to be angry about it you are robbing yourself of potential joy
and amazing things in your life.
People are what they are. You can't change them.
Be angry. Be furious. Be broken hearted.
Then let go.
Continuing to be angry about it means that the situation still has control over your life.
The anger is blocking other things from coming your way.


Now that's just my .02
But I went through A LOT of shot and A LOT of anger to get to that realization.
Other people can't make you angry or miserable or unhappy.
You (I mean that as the universal you, not you specifically) do that by the reaction you choose to have.


You have a choice to let it go and move on with your life.
Once you let it go it has no power over you.

(Again, that's universal- not you specifically)

[RetroLounge]

39. Yes, agreed...

Letting go is the only way...

RL

[LibraLiz1973]

63. It SUCKS and it is hard as hell

But you can do it.

You have so much to offer- and so much to gain by closing the book on that crazy woman.

[SeattleGirl]

16. Fuck no! And that person who said that you do needs to get over

their damned self!

Who the fuck are they to judge you, and how you're feeling??? Unless and until they are in your situation, and unless they are wired exactly like you are, they can go to hell, and I'm happy to buy the ticket.

You will deal with this in your own way, and it will take as long as it takes. And if anyone gives you shit about it, have 'em give me a call, and I'll have a little come-to-Jesus meetin' with 'em!


:hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya:

[RetroLounge]

17. ...

:hug:

RL

[SeattleGirl]

20. ......

:hug:

[Left Is Write]

27. You can "get over it" when you're damn good and ready to get over it.

[RetroLounge]

40. I'm close to being ready...

or at least making progress...

I might be bitter, but not all the time, you know?

I actually laugh and have fun sometimes :D

RL

[Left Is Write]

45. Get your bitter ass out here and Mr. LIW and I will take you out ...

for the best pizza on the planet and some killer live music.

Fun? You'll have fun!

[RetroLounge]

49. If my bitter ass gets that far west

You're on! and then i will keep driving west to Seattle...

:hi:

RL

[LeftyMom]

28. I looked it up, it's

"a period defined by statute as 'when you're god-damned good and ready to move on.'" Anybody who has a problem with that can stuff it.

[RetroLounge]

41. I like the way you think...

:hug:

RL

[JVS]

32. no

[RetroLounge]

42. Concise

:hi:

RL

[Gormy Cuss]

37. Some people need to get over their senses that they can dictate other's emotional timetables.

That person needs to learn to STFU.

[RetroLounge]

46. Yeah. I thought so too...

But I was taught respect for my elders, so I merely told her I would take it into consideration, and now please get the fuck out of my bookstore.

:hi:

RL

[VenusRising]

83. You didn't chase her out

with a bullhorn and a broom?

You're slipping! :P


Take your sweet time about getting your emotions in order. They are yours alone to deal with.

:hug::hug::hug:

[RetroLounge]

91. OMG!

:rofl:

Now I have to go to youtube and watch that again...

:hi:

RL

[VenusRising]

95. I'm glad I could make you laugh.

I think of Bernard every time I see your posts now.

The two of you are indistinguishable for me. :rofl:

"It's the least I could do."

"You mean you could do more?" :P

[RetroLounge]

97. "I expect better customer service"

"Well, then, expect away..." :rofl:

RL

[VenusRising]

103. Yes, well...

if you print out your DU posts and make them into a smart casual jacket, we'll start to worry.

:rofl:

:hug:

[OzarkDem]

60. An annoying and thoughtless trait

Fortunately there aren't many people who indulge in such rude behavior, but when they do, its so invasive and hurtful to others.

You've been through a lot Retro, and anger in your situation is normal.

[Taverner]

43. Hey bro - anger is like the flu - it goes away when it does

There are things you can do to make the flu go away sooner, but in the end it will go away.

[RetroLounge]

47. I like that analogy...

thanks

RL

[Taverner]

54. Anything I can do to help bro!

[lost-in-nj]

50. RL

in your own time hon....

:hug: :hug:

its almost a year for me.......

still angry, still bitter...

its not over until YOU want it to be

OK????

'K....



lost

[RetroLounge]

51. 'K

:hug:

RL

[MissB]

52. I'd say you get at least 5 years before the statute officially runs out.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

67. Ooh, I hope it doesn't take that long to let it go...

:hug:

RL

[XemaSab]

53. Nope, no statute of limitations

:(

[RetroLounge]

73. Good...

:hi:

RL

[blueraven95]

55. nope, absolutely not!

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

74. ...

:hug:

RL

[SoCalDem]

56. Not really, BUT... the sooner you try, the sooner you'll be happy again

and remember, your kids know what's going on.. Your wife was the shithead here, but if you do not badmouth her to your kids, it will be a blessing in the end, because THEY know she's a shithead, and when they hear negatives about her, they might automatically feel like they should defend her..

It sucks, but sometimes we have to be the bigger person, and just decide to let it go.

Stress from anger, CAN kill you.. who wins then?

[RetroLounge]

75. Letting go is difficult

but yes, it's the only way...

:hug:

RL

[BlueIris]

57. Um, the person who told you what to do, let alone "get over it," needs to STFU.

Try not to expose yourself to that person anymore. S/he is an asswipe.

[RetroLounge]

76. agreed

:hug:

RL

[skater314159]

58. Well...

...carrying around anger and bitterness can be harmful for you. The more you carry it around, the more she just keeps on hurting you.

The best way to "get even" in a situation like this: BE HAPPY!

Have a happy life, and do what makes you happy. Fuck her.

Also, if anybody tells you to "get over it" tell them to fuck off. That is the worst thing that you can say to a person in mourning (and you are in mourning for your relationship). Understand that these things take time. Its not going to be easy, but the time will come when your wounded heart will be healed and you will have moved on. Until then, don't sweat it. Experience and express your emotions.

The more you worry about if you should "be over it yet", the more you aren't allowing your wounds to heal. There is no proscribed path or way of experiencing loss... although there are patterns. I dunno if you know about Kubler-Ross' "stages of grief", but they apply to your situation. I'd recommend reading her book (it's pretty old so you can get it at half-price or other used bookstores for only a few cents!)

Peace! :hippie:

PS - if you want to PM me and talk, feel free. I'm here to listen!

[RetroLounge]

77. The best revenge is living well...

:hi:

RL

[City of Mills]

59. Hey Retro!

Nope, no statute of limitations! My wife cheated on me in March, we've been separated since... and getting along fairly civily...I've been keeping reconciliation in the back of my mind all this time. And guess what? I pull into the convenience store this evening and who's in the car next to me? The wife, and the guy she had cheated on me with 6 months ago! Boy am I glad I didn't 'get over it'!

[RetroLounge]

78. Yeah, that reconcilliation thing is tricky

Stayed in my mind for a long time, until she started up with another guy...

it's pretty much dead.

RL

[Bennyboy]

61. No..three years for me and I still am!

[RetroLounge]

79. ...

:hug:

RL

[skygazer]

62. I hate that crap

It's always so easy for people who aren't involved in any of it to tell someone else they need to "get over it." :eyes:

Screw that. I still have moments of anger and bitterness concerning my ex-husband who I divorced eleven years ago.

Pain doesn't just miraculously disappear. Especially when you're actively dealing with the fallout every day. :hug:

[RetroLounge]

80. Yes, and it's like grief over a dead loved one...

So much grief...

RL

[idgiehkt]

96. very true

"get over it", "let it go" etc etc mean: "please don't talk to me about it anymore, I'm tired of hearing it."

It is really hard to take particularly when it's someone that you have been there for many times but when the tables are turned it is not reciprocated. People are so limited sometimes, all one can do is accept it. :hug:

[KitchenWitch]

65. Grief/anger/resentment are on your very own timeline!

:hug:

Tell that person to go piss up a rope.

[RetroLounge]

81. "piss up a rope"

:rofl:

Will do...

:hug:

RL

[GoddessOfGuinness]

66. That was a pretty damned cheeky thing to say...

Pay no attention to the blithering idiot.

:hug::hug::hug:
Don't let anyone tell you how long it should take to heal.
:hug::hug::hug:

[RetroLounge]

82. thank you

:hug:

RL

[seemunkee]

68. Take that unicorn horn and shove it ...

I'm sure you'll figure out something.

[RetroLounge]

84. Ow...

That may smart...

:hi:

RL

[MissMillie]

69. you need to heal in your own time

it's not up to anyone else to decide how long that is

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

85. That's what I basically told her, in a nice way, of course

:hug:

RL

[reyd reid reed]

70. No, there isn't.

You feel what you feel, when you feel it and how you feel it. There does come a time, eventually, when it becomes self-destructive (when it comes to a lack of trust and an unwillingness to open yourself up to future relationships -- stuff like that), but I don't think you're there yet.

It'll get easier.

:hug::hug:

[RetroLounge]

86. It'll get easier

it already has...

:hug:

RL

[supernova]

71. No, you heal in your own good time, RL

That's no one else's journey but yours. It takes time to peel back the layers so that you can come to some place of peace about it all.

Eventually after whatever time has passed, you can see that picking over old scabs doesn't reveal anything new and serves no new purpose. Thoughts about your ex, mentions of them by others, encounters with them don't provoke you at all. You don't enjoy them, but you also wish them no more pain. For the most part.

That's when you know you're done and can move on.

[RetroLounge]

87. thanks

:hug:

RL

[bridgit]

72. as in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind maybe; though as a practical matter: yes

as with grieving we are, while albeit 'suggested' we return after a period of time; to the land of the living :)

[RetroLounge]

89. Return to the land of the living...

Hmmm, I can see it now on the horizon...

RL

[Blue Diadem]

88. There's no timeline.

You're experiencing grief..very much like a death except it's the death of your marriage and life as you knew it. Of course, if it consumes you or it goes on for years then I'd suggest counseling but for now, IMO, I think what you're feeling is normal.

My daughter is nearly 6 yrs post divorce. Her ex comes and goes in her life, each time she falls for it, gets hurt, then gets angry and so the cycle goes. Right now she's in the angry phase too.

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

90. Began regular visits to a therapist

a few months ago. It helps...

:hug:

RL

[Blue Diadem]

92. That's good to hear RL

I wish I could convince my daughter to do the same.

[eyepaddle]

93. You've heard this a lot, but no, there is no statute of limitations

Obviously being angry punishes you as much or more than it punishes them, but you--and only-you--will know when it is time to let go and relax.

Here's an anecdote: In my small community of upper midwest whitewater boaters, my girlfriend kicked me to the curb and took up with one of my best kayaking friends. I was EXTREMELY irritated by this turn of events--but I knew I'd have to come to grips with it so other paddlers wouldn't avoid me. (That of course only added to my resentment!)

Well, after a few months I had pretty much calmed down when this paddler dude I had only recently met leaned on me for support in HIS failed relationship. I wasn't expecting that, but thought I'd lend an ear. I brough up my own recent sour situation--mainly to demonstrate my support and camraderie--and can you guess what he tells me?

"Man, you need to get past that." :rofl:

All I could do was laugh on the inside!

[RetroLounge]

98. ...

:rofl:

RL

[Wapsie B]

94. No unfortunately not.

With me it's not for the same reasons you talked about but it's still there nonetheless.

[RetroLounge]

99. ...

:hug:

RL

[Pale Blue Dot]

101. I know you're not going to like this answer, but...

for your own sake, there should be. At some point, you're going to need to "get over it", and the sooner the better. If you haven't gotten over this yet, what makes you think it will happen tomorrow? Next week? Ever? Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? Is being bitter and angry making you happier than not being bitter and angry would?

I just started working with a woman who got divorced 3 years ago. She told me about her bitter divorce within 5 minutes of meeting her. She currently lives alone with her dog, does not date, and she is decidedly not happy. She is bitter and angry now, and probably will be forever.

Only you can decide when the "statue of limitations" runs out. But I hope, for your own good, that it runs out soon.

Please know that I would NOT have offered this advice had you not asked specifically.

Good luck. :hug:

[RetroLounge]

102. Oh, I agree with you...

My point is that I am NOT constantly bitter and angry. I was. then less so. and then less so.

In fact it is few and far between. There are still triggers, of course, but it's nowhere like it was.

I just reacted to being told to "get over it." like you could flip a switch.

:hug:

RL

[noamnety]

104. I hang onto a small amount of bitterness

it's a self-defense thing. But the anger, I let that mainly go away (except for triggers, they'll always be there). The best thing I ever did was hand off child support to friends of the court to deal with, instead of trying to keep the payments between us, like we originally thought we'd do - to keep everything informal. The result of that was inevitable, lots of confrontation and such. Putting it in the court's hands took all the emotional right out of it, cause I didn't have any relationship with the court, and that's who handled the checks.

The one part you might seriously try to "get over" is anger over what gender she's dating. That part's a little ... uh ... not right. Like it's only a "real" relationship if she's seeing a guy.

[RetroLounge]

108. It's not a gender thing

It was more being told "I'm gay" and then after doing all this work over dealing with that, Voila!, just kidding...

Believe, my marriage didn't end over "fake" relationships.

RL

[noamnety]

112. I can see two issues there

one is just a general feeling of betrayal if you felt like she was lying, and I think anyone can identify with that. I doubt she was "lying" - more like just experimenting, or she's bi, or whatever, but emotions and logic don't always connect up, at least in my own life.

The other is moving to a place where you can accept that the issue wasn't that she left because she was attracted to a woman or to a man, but rather that she was attracted to a person that wasn't you. That's the other betrayal part. Once a person leaves you, it sucks if it wasn't mutual. But it shouldn't necessarily be all this extra work to deal with the fact that she was attracted to a woman, and then attracted to a man again after that.

I guess it depends how much the resentment is over the break up between you and her, and how much you feel it's about the other person. I just know if I broke up with someone, I would not like it if I had any vibes at all about them wanting to control who I dated after the breakup.

Control isn't the right word there, I know you haven't said that ... I can't find the right word. I think that's the part maybe that it's good to "get over" though. Not the overall anger if you aren't ready, but shifting the focus away from being angry about who she sees now that your relationship is ended.

[stuntcat]

105. no

Wiping people off your list completely is good sometimes but don't carry the real Anger part for too long.. this looks like it was a awful big deal but it'll be worse if you let it change you, like rot your soul.
I've done all sides of this mess and looking back I wish I could've been slapped out of it x(

[RetroLounge]

109. I believe my soul is intact...

But time will tell.

:hug:

RL

[BikeWriter]

106. WTF? You are entitled, my Friend, as am I!

When a woman says "Forever Love" they should mean it, otherwise we are entitled to drink ourselves to death over them.

[RetroLounge]

110. "drink ourselves to death over them"

Well, can't do that, and no woman or man is worth that...

But I agree, they "should" mean it, but people change, so we roll with it...

RL

[Ellen Forradalom]

107. Infelicitously stated, to be sure

but perhaps that that person see how much the pain is eating you alive, and, in an awkward way, was suggesting that you loosen its grip.

Take the time you need. It will all be OK in the end.

[RetroLounge]

111. Thanks

:hug:

RL

[Darth_Kitten]

113. If you have been betrayed, it's easy to feel some bitterness......

for a long time.

People have their own timelines. It's up to you to choose how you feel.

That person doesn't know you......

[RetroLounge]

116. Thank you..

and i feel much better...

:hi:

RL

[Darth_Kitten]

117. But...........

just work through your feelings in your own way and time, but in the end, don't let anybody else get the best of you.

Work through your pain, and then move on from any thoughts of the negative people who have hurt you.

Some people will always be a drain and you deserve better. What they dish out will return to them, and then some. :)

[fudge stripe cookays]

114. That person has not been where you are.

So they have no idea how you feel.

And like everyone else here is saying, deal with it at your own pace. You're dealing with a lot right now.

I'll buy you a beer when I get up and we can trade war stories. I have one that makes most people go :wow: It took me a long time to get over that, and he wasn't even "gay."

I didn't know the last part about your ex. I knew the first part, but didn't realize she'd switched back to the other team. :eyes:

Just think of Nietzsche....what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I should be made of STEEL right now.

[triguy46]

115. Serious answer.

This past weekend my son, 25 yo, almost died in a surfing accident, had a c6 cervical fracture and lived. And can walk. Life is too short for anger and hate. I was coming off a 2 week ultra shitty period at work, and all of a sudden it doesn't matter. God picked him up out of the surf and gave him a second chance. I don't care to play the petty hate, angry games with the assholes at work. I see life differently now.

[treestar]

118. There probably is, the trouble is that it is different for every individual

There are those out there who think their personal one is a standard.

Some people are conditioned to believe there must be a set of rules. This set of rules will keep them safe. So if the same thing happened to them, they can rationalize, they would be over it in what they perceive to be a comfortable period of time.

[RetroLounge]

119. Sounds right...

I appreciated the sentiment, just not her schedule for me...

:hi:

RL

[NC_Nurse]

120. It'll get better.

No thanks to the asshole that said that to you.

Sounds like your ex is a real flake. Eventually you will feel lucky to be rid of her.

One thing I would encourage you to do is think of yourself as the parent who is really there for your kids. It's hard not to resent feeling stuck with the bulk of the
childrearing - IMO, joint custody is a JOKE. I just consoled myself with the fact that I will always be closer to my kids than my ex. I'm the one they call when they need support, advice
or want to share something good, even though they're all grown up now. :-)