In a very short time

[SPKrazy]

I will be moving out of my house... into an apartment...

my wife and son will not be moving with me.

It's very hard to leave my son... even though I will see him...

This is not a dramatic announcement, I am doing what I believe to be the right thing.

I am also very torn up emotionally about how this will affect my son.

I want to be a good dad. I want to be there for him. I will be there for him.

:cry:

I might could use a hug or two...

:grouphug:

[SeattleGirl]

1. Always got lots of hugs for you, bro.

And take it from me, kids CAN survive divorce, and turn out just fine. My daughter is a fine example of that. Just promise yourself this: you will never, EVER bad mouth his mother in front of him. Ever. Not saying you would, but my ex and I made that promise to each other, and we kept it. And my daughter noticed.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[SPKrazy]

2. ...

thanks for the hugs

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Left Is Write]

5. My daughter definitely noticed which of her parents did not badmouth the other.

[SeattleGirl]

11. I'm glad she had one who kept their tongue.

Nothing drives me battier than parents taking their anger at their ex's out on their kids, or using their kids to get at each other.

The kids should be OFF LIMITS. Period.

Only exception (and even then, there's a proper way to go about it), would be if one parent is really abusive. Then the kids need to be shielded from that parent, AND, in an age appropriate way, told why.

[SPKrazy]

50. agreed

:thumbsup:

[SPKrazy]

31. that's an important thing I believe

:hi:

[PaddyBlueEyes]

3. Hey Homes

being a good dad, is who you are not where you live. Some of us grew up with dads who were "not there" even when they were there. I know you are hurting, but you will make the best out of a bad situation, I got faith in ya. Love yr fellow pev...

[SPKrazy]

6. thanks pev!

:pals:

[PaddyBlueEyes]

10. No Problem

Bro......

[Left Is Write]

4. ...

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

8. ...

:hug: :hug:

[Akoto]

7. You will still be a good dad!

The fact that you're so concerned about that speaks to your quality as a father, in fact. It'll be difficult, I'm sure, but you will still be in his life. :hug:

[SPKrazy]

9. thanks...

:hug:

[wildhorses]

12. ~

it will be okay.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

13. thanks horsey

:hug:

[Shine]

14. Lots of hugs of support coming your way, my friend

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Yes, it will be an adjustment for you and your son, to be sure, but he'll be fine in the end. Kids are incredibly resilient and from everything I've come to know about you, Southpawkicker, I am certain you will continue to be an excellent, attentive and loving father to him even though you won't be living together day-to-day.

Perhaps there are some local single father support groups you could consider joining. In any case, be gentle with yourself as you are going through this major life change.

:hug: :loveya:

[SPKrazy]

15. aww Shine

:hug: :hug:

:loveya:

thanks!

[havocmom]

16. Used to do facilitating for peer support child/family divorce recovery

You can do this, but it would probably be a help to have peer group to talk/listen to. It can be a big help to hear what has and hasn't worked for others, as well as a safe place to vent and meet people who might be a bit further down the road and seeing some improvement along their way. A friend holding up a light further down the tunnel can sure be a comfort when days are dark. Check around for local resources.

You gotta take care of yourself to be able to take care of the youngster. We used to use the analogy of the oxygen masks on a plane: Put your's on first, then you can take care of the kids better.

That reminds me, try to take time to check your breathing throughout the days ahead. It is amazing how stress gets us breathing shallow and fast which just makes things worse. Breath. Pay attention to things like that.

:hug:

Sorry to hear about the upheaval. Know many of us will keep you in thoughts and send good vibes your way.

[SPKrazy]

17. thanks havocmom

:hug:

good suggestions

[bicentennial_baby]

18. ....

High and surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me, lift me back up to the sun:
I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
Help me survive the bottom

Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another
Needy hole... please release me

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live, I choose to live

:hug: Seriously, my friend.

:)

[SPKrazy]

19. thanks bi baby

thanks for the lyrics and the thought and the friendship...

:hug:

thanks

[GoddessOfGuinness]

20. You are a good dad...

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
If you believe you are doing the right thing, you are.
Are you getting counseling for you, your wife, and your son, to help you make this transition?

[SPKrazy]

21. ...

:hug: :hug: :hug:

thanks

yes

[GoddessOfGuinness]

26. Anytime you need them...

:hug::hug::hug:
Any time you want to talk, I'm here to listen.
:loveya::loveya::loveya:

[SPKrazy]

27. thanks GoG

I appreciate it a lot...

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:loveya:

[Cabcere]

22. Big hugs for you, SPK.

:hug: :grouphug: :hug: I'll be thinking about you, my friend...and of course sending good vibes/thoughts/prayers/etc. your way. :pals:

[SPKrazy]

23. Thanks Cabcere

:hug: :hug: :hug:

thanks mucho!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

24. My dear Southpawkicker...

Sweetie....for you, as always....many many hugs...

You are doing the right thing...

Even though this is hard...

I feel your pain so acutely tonight....

And I wish so much that I could ease it somehow...

:hug:

:cry:

[SPKrazy]

25. thanks dear peg...

:hug: :hug: :hug:

as always you are there and you help me too!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

28. I am so glad ...

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Lex]

29. Big hug coming right up for you:

[SPKrazy]

30. thanks Lex!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

32. You'll still be a good father.

It'll just take more work. As long as you talk to him frequently and see him whenever you can, he'll understand that you are still there.

Sorry you're going through this, SPK.

[SPKrazy]

34. thanks Gormy

the free hugs thing is cool

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Wapsie B]

33. I know what you're going through man.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

35. thanks bushwentawol

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[RFKHumphreyObama]

36. I'm sorry SPK

All the very best to you and your family during this difficult time :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[SPKrazy]

38. thanks

:hug: :hug:

[KitchenWitch]

37. I might could give you a lot of hugs!

:hug:

:pals:

[SPKrazy]

39. might could say thanks

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[lost-in-nj]

40. hey

you know it will be alright...
and he will be alright


:loveya: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug:
here are some hugs......

aorry your hurting....

lost

[SPKrazy]

45. thanks lost

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:loveya: :loveya:

i appreciate it a lot

:)

:hi:

[malta blue]

41. ...

:hug: :loveya: :hug:

I am sure you are a terrific father...

[SPKrazy]

46. thanks

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

42. Hugs to you...

...:hug::hug::hug:

[SPKrazy]

47. thanks TOL

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[LeftyFingerPop]

43. One...

day at a time. :pals:

[SPKrazy]

48. thanks philboy

:hug:

[GenDem]

44. Very sorry that your world is being rocked

:hug:

I can't say that I can relate because I haven't gone through it, but I certainly have plenty of friends and family that have.

I'm sure, in the long run, it will be much better for your son. Just from reading your posts I can say quite decisively that you will continue to be a wonderful father.

[SPKrazy]

49. thanks gendem

funny lolcat

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

51. You already ARE a good dad...

:hug:

RL

[SPKrazy]

53. thanks man

:hug:

[MissMillie]

52. lots of hugs coming to you

and to your family. This won't be easy on any of you, and that's because you DO have their best interest at heart.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[SPKrazy]

54. oh miss millie...

thanks for all those hugs!

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

:loveya:

[mopinko]

55. you'll be okay

sometimes it is just what you have to do. i shudder to think who i would even be now if i had stayed with my first husband.
just keep in touch with that boy, make sure he knows how to get a hold of you. don't go to far, and like others have said, try to keep the bs away from him.
my advice, if you can, get out of town for a little while. empty out your head, ya know.
stay honest with yourself, tho, friend. it's hard, but ya gotta. you can always count on me for that. ;)
:hug:

[SPKrazy]

57. thanks mo

you are always there with your brutal honesty :D

[mopinko]

61. aaawe

i don't mean to be brutal. honest when it is easier not to be, yeah, but brutal? sorry if it comes across that way.
bad marriages are usually harder on kids than divorces. you are doing the right thing. you'll get through it. just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
and be good.

[SPKrazy]

62. i mean brutal in the best way

really!

sometimes we need that ya know, and you've always been straight with me!

:hug:

[mopinko]

65. we all need it, none of us want it.

it gets me in a lot of trouble irl.

[mzteris]

56. awwww sweetie

You ARE a good dad!

Don't EVER think otherwise!

Anytime you need a hug, or want to vent, or just chat - you know where to find me.

[SPKrazy]

58. thanks mzteris

i know where to find you!

:hug:

[Parche]

59. SPK

:hug: :hug: Us males of the species have to stick together!! :hi:

[SPKrazy]

60. yeah...we do!

:hug:

:hi:

thanks

[huskerlaw]

63. One hug, coming your way

:hug:

As a child of divorced parents, I want to assure you that you're doing the right thing and your son will be fine. Not saying that it isn't going to be difficult and painful, but when all is said and done, you and your son will be better off. Children know when their parents are unhappy, no matter how hard you try to shield them...and they internalize the unhappiness. Same goes for happiness. When you get out of the situation that you're obviously not happy in and get back on your feet, your son will notice that too. And he'll benefit from it.

Staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids is, imo, a huge mistake. It may be easier in the short term, but it's not a good solution for anybody, long term.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

66. thanks for that huskerlaw

:hug:

:hug:

[skygazer]

64. Awwww, man.....

Yes, you will be there for your son. And you are a good dad. Tough times, I'm sorry. :( :hug: :hug: :hug:

[SPKrazy]

67. thanks skygazer

:hug:

:hug:

:hug:

[In_The_Wind]

68. Things will be better for everyone.

Your son will look forward to the happy visits you'll share.
He will call you when he needs you or just for a laugh.

[SPKrazy]

72. Thanks Joan...

:hug: :hug:

[VenusRising]

69. Tons of hugs for you!

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

There is no doubt in my mind that you will continue to be a loving and supporting father. Nothing can take away or negatively alter the love of your child. Just love him, talk to him, and spend time with him. You will both be thankful for the time together and the memories.

:loveya::pals::hug:

[SPKrazy]

73. Aw Venus, thanks...

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

that's a lot of hugs

:hug: :hug:
:loveya:

:hi:

[VenusRising]

76. I don't know too many people who deserve them

as much as you do.

:loveya:

:hi:

[SPKrazy]

77. ...

:blush:

thanks

:hug:

:loveya:

[krispos42]

70. Welcome to the club :-(

My job when from four 10's to five 8's, so I lose almost a whole day of my time with my son.

:hugs:

[SPKrazy]

74. aw, sorry man...

:hug:

thanks

[stuntcat]

71. *squeezy hugs*

I bet he knows how important he is to you.. maybe kids don't think of that kinda stuff much but I bet he really knows :hug: :hug: :hug: that's what matters. It must be so hard though still.. find something silly to laugh at, sometimes I wish there was a Jokes section on DU

[SPKrazy]

75. thanks stuntcat

:hug: :hug: :hug:

there is a jokes section= GD :rofl:

thanks fellow pSc member!

[lildreamer316]

78. .....

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[SPKrazy]

80. thanks lil dreamer

:hug: :hug: :hug:


:hi:

[Eurobabe]

79. First a hug...

:hug: as requested.

Now some words of hope. It's not always a catastrophe, sometimes things are better for the parents and for the kids to not be together. I split up with my husband (I didn't want to be with him anymore) when my kids were just 3 & 5. Both of us were very depressed in our relationship. We made a real effort to cooperate and not tear each other apart (there was really no reason to do this, it was an amicable split). We shared joint custody.

Anyhow, my kids are now grown up, 23 & 25, and they often say they can't imagine their dad and me together, we are so opposite -- all of this is said in a positive way. We both went on to live our lives, and eventually met other people that were better suited to each of us. :D

And my girls have turned out to be terrific, responsible, funny, beautiful young ladies. Some of my best memories are when it was just the 3 of us. Hang in there, you'll get through, and your son will too, it will be an adjustment. Make sure he gets lots of reassurance and love from you, it will make all the difference :grouphug:

[SPKrazy]

81. thanks...

great words...

:hug:

[soleft]

82. I went through the the same thing Southpawkicker

My ex and I had continued to share out apartment long after we were no longer a couple. I had one bedroom, he had the other, and we had made a makeshift room in the living room out of bookcases for our son. 3 years ago he was fourteen, dying for his own space, and my ex was eager to get me out so we could move forward. I was very sad to leave, I felt that I was abandoning him and worried he would feel abandoned. Fortunately we both had really good shrinks.

For the first year or two, he would come to my apartment once a week, and I would go over their place once a week, and I'd try to make another stop on the weekend. We bonded over our favorite TV shows and I would pick up the tab for dinner when I came over to give his dad a break as well. We would go on weekend trips together and make special outings to the zoo, or the beach. Last year I took him to Montreal.

I was still in a lot of pain about it tho the first two years. Major guilt.

But I know I did the right thing. And he's fine. Starting college in two weeks. We've now instituted class movie night. In fact, tonight we're going to watch The Graduate. Plastics, Ben, plastics.

So yeah, it's really painful. But if you feel you're doing the right thing, the pain will subside and you will feel really good about your choice, and your strength and courage to do such a difficult thing. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat further.

[SPKrazy]

83. thanks soleft

:hug:

that is a gift of words from you and encouragement

:hi:

[Inchworm]

84. You, sir, are brave

And if you feel you are doing the right thing, my hat is off to you and hope for the best outcome. I totally understand what must be going on between your ears because I was pretty much in that boat for 17 years.

I assume your soon ex is a good enough mother to your son. That is what always stopped me. I know my ex was a piece of shit and my history in the world would have made it easy for her to get custody and hold my daughter hostage. I had to wait until my daughter could decide.

Oh so many times I wish I would have done what you are doing now. Perhaps I would be in a career and not living a life that was frozen in time for so long.

Just be a good dad and sort out your life so you can move forward in the journey.

BIG FREAKIN :hug:s TO YOU

:pals:

[SPKrazy]

85. ...

:hug: :hug: :hug:

you're a good guy inchy!

[Inchworm]

86. ...

no u!

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

87. ...

no

YOU!

:yourock:

[fizzgig]

88. i always hugs for you

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

89. oh i know you do!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

and i got 'em for you too!

:hi:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

90. I'm so sorry, SPK.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[SPKrazy]

92. hey...

thanks

:hug: :hug:

:hi:

[Redstone]

91. That's a hard move, and one that I've made myself.

But it worked out well for both me and for my son in the end.

Have faith.

Redstone

[SPKrazy]

93. thanks redstone

:hi:

faith is about all i have here on this one...

[Redstone]

97. I had faith, and the (soon to be) Mrs R, and $20K in my retirement fund to spend

on lawyers to get custody of my son (even though his mother was and remains certifiably insane...and I state that as a matter of fact, not from any dislike of her), and it was STILL a damn hard road.

Life goes on. It really does. I made that move, into a condo that I rented, without even a bed upon which to sleep; I had an Ensolite pad that I had used for camping, and a few blankets, plus my woodworking tools and a rolltop desk that I'd inherited from my deceased parents, and my musical instruments, plus my books, and that was all.

But you know what? Things started to get better for me, starting on that day when I made the move. Bit by bit, day by day, but it DID get better.

Here's hoping that it will for you as well.

Redstone

[SPKrazy]

99. thanks

friend!

for your story and your support

[Redstone]

101. De nada. That was 17 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday, ad if I can

help someone else deal with the process, I feel that I've done some good.

Redstone

[Danger Mouse]

94. I hope everything is alright with you.

Let me know if there's anything you need.
:hug:

[SPKrazy]

95. thanks my friend...

:hug:

a hug does a lot...

[Danger Mouse]

98. anytime. only wish i could do more.

you're a good person. don't doubt yourself.
:hug:

[ThomCat]

96. I hope you can hold things together with your son

and maintain a very good relationship for both of you. :hug:

[SPKrazy]

100. aw, my hope and fear at the same time

yes

i hope for that too

:hug: