goddammit, du lounge

[keithjx]

i come here because i'm at the end of one of those nights. stranger in a strange land. trying to do the right thing and still i'm at the wrong end of wisdom: thinking i might have finally learned a lesson well enough to pass it on and instead just fucking EVERYONE. there are days, like today, that i feel like a total fuck-up. And u are the only people i turn to. goddammit, and god damn me.
kj

[The Straight Story]

1. Well....I think we have all had some days like that my friend

Don't know enough about yours to offer advice, but I am sitting up a spell so I can kick and reply (waiting on the eclipse).

[keithjx]

2. yeah i was obscure

and it was intentional. i'm still in the shame mode, so thank you, SS, for responding. I remembered about the eclipse, and I hope the west coast has a good show. madison, wisconsin, and I should go take a look to see what's up.

anyway. I'm just complaining and looking for company. i put myself in a position where i had to choose which asshole i wanted to be, so no one to complain about but me.

hope you're having fun!
kj

[The Straight Story]

3. Hell, you are the first reply to a post I have had in an hour :)

Not much else going on right now.

I know what ya mean in some ways about having to choose which asshole you wanted to be :)

I have had to make some crappy choices in my life, and hurt those I loved in the process, and it still sticks with me today.

I made the right choice, but it still sucked and I still feel like a total jerk - even though it worked out best for both parties.

[keithjx]

4. see that's just it

i comfort myself by acting like something valuable might be learned by my being the idiot,bt in the end, i can't apologize to the one that deserves one, and just hope that i can correct the misconception that i left behind with someone else.

seriously, i'm not trying to be an obtuse dick. just intentionally being ambiguous because i'll probably need some face-to-face to really own up to it and let it go.

thank you for taking the time to give me your thoughts. if you have a pic of the eclipse, please share. is it worth looking 4 in madison right now? (yes i'm too lazy too look 4 it. sorry....)
kj

[The Straight Story]

5. Well, I won't be obtuse - here is one issue I had maybe you can relate to

maybe not, but here it is anyway:

I was with a woman for a few years I dearly loved. Much younger than me (by 10 years). I wanted to marry her, we were so much alike on many things. But she wanted to wait. And wait.

In the meantime, I had 3 kids 2200 miles away I was missing, so I bounced back and forth between California, and Ohio where my kids were.

I finally settled on CA and my GF as I only got to see my kids once a month, if I was lucky (the X wife....). My GF had moved to a one bedroom here and her parents decided not to let me live with her (even though they knew we were together...). She did not fight for me to live there, and I ended up in a crappy motel (but cheap, and no other bills each month).

She left me stranded a few times, and I finally decided I did not want to live like this any longer. I was making plans to eventually go back to Ohio and stay. And then I met the woman of my dreams. She picked up on me, and when we held hands the first time it was like an electric shock went through us both.

We both fell in love right away, and I do mean right away. I decided to tell my GF that it was over. And I knew it would hurt - and I still loved her, but we could not be together as her parents ran her life. I put in notice at work, and decide to move back, and I talk to my now X GF.

And she drops the bomb on me.

She found out she was 4-5 months pregnant, and wants to marry me.

I couldn't do it. Could not bring another child into this world and raise it for years and then leave, and I knew it would probably turn out that way with her.

So I left. Moved back to Ohio, but still talked to her. She had our daughter without me here, and we agreed not to tell her until she was much older who I am.

We are friends now, and talk, and I am going to see her soon as I have moved back to CA with my wife.

But still. I left her here, and I loved her, but I also knew it would not work. She is married now, with a son, and we are both happy.