Need help finding my muse

[XNASA]

I need a 7 or 8 syllable line, that ends in a syllable that rhymes with "eat". The line needs to indicate a confused state of mind.

The current line is:

"His thought process was incomplete"

But it falls a little flat, as you can see. Not garage rock enough.

So, if anyone's muse is in the area, and they're not using it at the moment, do you think that you could help.

Thanks.

[displacedtexan]

1. in retreat?

inatead of incomplete?

[XNASA]

2. That's good. I like that one.

Maybe "Common sense" instead of thought process.

His common sense was in retreat.......

Not bad.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

7. His common sense scattered like skeet?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

3. his mental rhythm was off beat

[roughsatori]

5. to play off that: "his synapses fired indiscreet"

Heck, I know it should be indiscreetly--but he/she said it was punk rock.

[XNASA]

6. Can't use synapes in a garage rock song.

If I brought that line to rehearsal, I'd be chastised.

But thanks. It's getting there now...

:-)

[roughsatori]

4. If you wanted to use Sprung meter ala Hopkins

"His thought process was bleating like a sheep" Extra syllables but metrically acceptable.

Or to brainstorm:

* "His thought process was in receipt"

* "His thought process was in defeat"

However thought process is redundant. It is clear that "his thought" was a process--but so was the whole of "Pretty Vacant" and I still love it today.

[underpants]

8. Dazed with a headful of meat

The blurring of his eyes was complete

Slamming his head into concrete

Like his ass was under his feet

Lost on confusion street

[XNASA]

10. As the story in the song goes...........

The reason this guy is "confused" is because he hopped into a cab that hit a concrete slab.

It's kind of about a money grubbing suit who feels he must get to his place of work at all costs (in order to make more money) and after surviving various accidents to get there is mugged and left for dead just 20 feet from the front door of his office.

The moral of the story, and the chorus is: "Should've stayed home"

So your real close, with these lines, although I've already used some that are quite similar.

One that I was going to use but edited out was "His head was full of sausage meat" LOL!!!

[underpants]

11. Robbed of the chance to suck the corporate teat

Okay that is more than 7 syllables.

Oh so close to the corporate teat

The money is there but he can't find his feet.

Now I'm confused

[XNASA]

12. Great!

Corporate teat....

I completely changed one of the verse to accomodate "corporate teat"

I'll PM you the entire song lyrics when I'm through.

Well done.

[underpants]

14. Do I get an invite to the Grammies?

:bounce:

[A-Schwarzenegger]

9. His mind was a riot in the street.

too many syllables

[Liberal Veteran]

13. Which one are you looking for? Calliope, Clio, Erato, Euterpe,

Melpomene, Polyhymnia, Terpsichore, Thalia, or Urania?

Have you checked Mount Parnassus? I hear that's where they hang out.

[FunBobbyMucha]

15. "Lab-coated Beatles, covered in meat?"