Ethical question

[Droopy]

My little sister just got married a couple of weeks ago. She and her husband had bought a house not long before that and they needed some help moving in a couple of weekends ago so I helped them out. In turn they bought me breakfast.

As we were deciding what we wanted to eat my sister said she was going to have the peanut butter chocolate chip pancakes. My new brother-in-law started nagging her about what she was going to eat. My sister is overweight and he is not. My big brother instincts kicked in and I was about to try to set him straight about something, but I held my tongue.

I thought it was just something that was a one time occurrence because of what I'd been talking about to them earlier. I'm on a diet and I've lost 15 pounds so far and I was explaining to my sister how it's done, because she asked how I was losing weight. Well, I was talking to another one of my sisters shortly after that and she said that my BIL nags my little sister about her weight and eating habits all the time.

I thought that when you married someone you should be with them because you like them for who they are. Not because they'd be okay with a few changes. I want to take my BIL aside and tell him that my little sister knows she's overweight. She doesn't need to be reminded. She will start eating right when she feels like it's her time to do so. Do you think I should keep my mouth shut?

[Bullwinkle925]

1. man, that's a tough one . . .

honestly, i don't know how long that marriage is going to last - did you like the guy prior to their ceremony?

[Droopy]

9. I liked him alright

Seemed like a nice enough guy. I wasn't aware of the nagging until recently, though.

[Skittles]

2. tough one

I would tell him to shut the f*** up but I doubt that is sound advice

[begin_within]

3. Has his nagging helped her?

[Droopy]

11. No

It's probably made her eat more. I know whenever I was nagged or made fun of because of my weight that it always made me feel worse and that would make me want to eat more.

[begin_within]

19. I would probably point that fact out to him, one time, then say no more to either.

I believe it's just up to her to decide to do something about it. Nothing anyone else will do or say will cause the change, and his nagging hasn't made any difference. Maybe her doctor telling her would, but her doctor probably already has. If I were in your position I would wait until he nags again, and point out to him that his nagging hasn't made any difference, then just let it go at that. That's what I would do.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. Ah, Droopy...

That's a tough one.

I think you might do well to stay out of this...

Unless, of course, he asks you...

I hear ya, though...it's tough to stay silent.

And he is not doing her any favors by talking that way to her...

I hope he really loves her...

Good luck, whatever you do!

:hug:

[Oeditpus Rex]

5. No

It won't change anything. He'll just get mad at you, and he might take it out on her.

[ruiner4u]

6. hmmm...

stay out of it... if you say something to him, there is a chance she could take his side and think that you are intruding in their marriage...

If it was my sister, id bite me tongue and give her a little extra attention.. but yeah,i would be concerned and id defiantly want to say something...:)

[JVS]

7. Has your sister asked you to help her on this? Until that happens, I'd say the issue is between...

her and her husband.

[Droopy]

14. Not beyond asking me how I was losing weight

I know she wants to lose weight, she's just not ready to change her eating habits yet.

[JVS]

15. In that case, I'd answer her questions and tell her if she ever needs help and encouragement...

you'll be there. As far as her dealings with her husband go, I'd stay out. I understand that as her brother you feel protective, but to insert yourself between them would have been inappropriate. You were right to hold your tongue.

[johnnie]

8. Been there

But I stayed out of it because I respected both of my sister's decision to get married to who they wanted to get married to. I figured they were intelligent enough to know what they were getting in to and I felt that if I complained about their husbands I would have been insulting them more than helping them. That's just me though. BTW, they are both divorced..lol.

[Mojambo]

10. I'd pick out something slightly below average about him and start nagging him about it.

If you could make him cry that would be even better.

[Seabiscuit]

12. Aw, come on.

It's obvious your sister has a weight/eating problem. Your BIL is right. You know it. He knows it. She knows it.

What to do?

Talk to your BIL. Talk to your sister. Encourage her to change her bad eating habits and lose wieght. Encourage your BIL to stay on top of her problems.

WTF isn't obvious to you about all this???

[Droopy]

16. I've been overweight for a long time

And nagging never did me any good. Just made me feel worse. I'm losing weight now and I'm doing it for me, not for anyone else.

[mockmonkey]

25. You have it right

Making someone feel like shit NEVER helps. You have to want to lose the weight. I'm trying to lose weight myself but, I'm depressed and when I'm depressed I eat more.


I find so many married couples don't seem to like each other much. Why do they get married?

I'm not sure what you can do about it other than support your sister as much as possible.

[supernova]

29. I think too many relationships

not just sexual pairings but others, are too much based on power. It becomes over time more about one person exerting dominance over a more genial partner. It's revolting to me.

[Seabiscuit]

30. Did I recommend "nagging"? Noooooo. I recommended "talk".

[northzax]

42. I would definatly talk to her first

Maybe after talking to you about weight loss, she asked her hubby to talk to her everytime she ordered something fattening? Until you talk to her, you can't know what their dynamic is.

[noamnety]

17. awful advice

Encouraging the BIL to "stay on top of HER problems" (control her behavior) is awful. She's not a child.

If you have a decent relationship with him and can talk to him, I'd consider pulling him aside, letting him know you understand his concern, but his methods might make the problem worse, not better, human psychology being what it is. And I'd give him productive tips, like never ever nag her, but do things like announce he's having a glass of water, does she want one too? Or asking if she wants to go to the park with him and go for a walk - never saying it's for exercise, or because she's overweight. Just to spend time together. And he needs to change his mindset to think of it as a quality way for them to spend time together that happens to be healthy, rather than viewing himself as her exercise coach.

[Seabiscuit]

31. I said nothing about encouraging the BIL to "control her behavior".

She's acting like a child.

I recommended "talking" to the sister, not "nagging", not "controlling".

Once you get into your recommendations, they seem to coincide with mine.

[noamnety]

43. "She's acting like a child"

that's exactly the underlying attitude I was picking up on in the post I was responding to.

Don't infantilize women. Ever. Not even overweight women.

"Stay on top of" is a phrase denoting dominance - of the husband over the wife.
Comparing her to a child whose problems HE needs to stay on top of is too close to a parent-child relationship, which is every bit as UNhealthy for an adult woman as being overweight.

It's not HIS problem to stay on top of. People with eating disorders and weight issues are not children.

[Seabiscuit]

44. Aw, come ON!

"Don't infantilize women". How very SEXIST of you.

Don't you dare make such assinine assumptions about me and don't you dare presume to lecture me.

My wife had a weight problem caused by a rare hormonal imbalance that her family has been cursed with for generations. For years before we discovered the medical cause, which is treatable, I gently encouraged her to find new ways to satisfy her appetite and also to find time to exercise, and we worked on the problem together (we both ate the same healthy foods, and I joined her in exercise). None of it made much difference until she began medical treatment, and then the excess weight came off. So don't assume I'm unfamiliar with weight problems.

You chose the most negative possible meaning for the phrase "stay on top of" just to hammer me. "Stay on top of" also simply means, as I meant it, to be involved with his wife in a constructive way.

People with eating problems need help and guidance. They do NOT need an "enabling" attitude from others, such as you, which only aggravates their problems.

If the guy's wife is in complete denial about her weight problem (which she appears to be from the OP), she is acting like a child and needs adult guidance. And it IS her husband's problem as well, for him to "stay on top of" with a positive, helping attitude of encouragement, and eliminating his "nagging" behavior which is counterproductive. Ignoring the problem, or enabling her problem behavior, is just as destructive as nagging.

[Bjornsdotter]

20. Worst advice ever

...we don't know if she has a medical condition that would account for gaining weight, like being on steriods.

Your advice sucks

[Seabiscuit]

33. So what's wrong with "talking" to her, as I recommended?

That could include encouraging her to have medical tests to determine the cause of her weight problem.

[fizzgig]

24. i call bullshit

you have obviously never dealt with a weight problem

nagging does no good. you want to make someone feel like shit, you nag them

what the sister needs is love and support. she is an adult and will make her own decisions

futhermore, why would you urge to op to encourage controlling behaviour on the bil's part?

[Seabiscuit]

34. Such mindless hostility.

I HAVE dealt with a weight problem. When you make such negative assumptions you make an ASS our of U and ME.

All of you keep misrepresenting my words. I NEVER said anything about "nagging", or "encouraging controlling behavior".

Learn to read before indulging in such knee-jerk lashing out.

[fizzgig]

39. 'encourage your bil to stay on top of her problem'

why should the bil 'stay on top' of the problem? it is not up to him to change her, her behavior or her appearance.

that is encouraging him to control her. how else is he going to 'stay on top of her problem' without nagging her about it or otherwise trying to direct her behavior?

[Seabiscuit]

45. See post #44, which applies to your comments as well.

[supernova]

27. Good lord, that's crap

You don't "stay on top of" any adult. Period. You can help them, you can encourage them. But, you don't "stay on top of them" as if you are some boss that they serve.

IF anybody did that to me for any reason they thought entitled to, they'd be out of my life in a hurry.

[Seabiscuit]

35. "Crap"?

So you don't like the words "stay on top of"? So you construe them in the most negative possible way.

All I meant by that was that the BIL should continue to talk to her. In a constructive, encouraging way, not a "nagging" or "controlling" or nasty way.

[Left Is Write]

32. Sister is an adult. She does not need her husband to "stay on top of her problems."

If Sister is not receptive to her husband's criticisms, it amounts to nothing more than nagging. Nagging doesn't help anyone. Nagging breeds resentment - unhealthy for any relationship.

[Seabiscuit]

36. For the umpteenth time, I NEVER recommended "nagging". n/t

[Left Is Write]

40. You don't think you did, but you did.

Saying that BIL should be "on top of" sister's "problems" you are advocating nagging. The ONLY person who can change Sister's habits is she herself. Anyone else trying to get her to change is nagging her, which simply does not work.

[Seabiscuit]

46. Absolutely wrong. See post #44 which applies to your words as well.

You're one more person reading your own thoughts into my words and translating them to other words I never mentioned, nor ever intended.

[liberaltrucker]

13. Real tough situation

My SIL is very overweight, but insists on making high calorie munchies when I'm home.
Otherwise, she watches her diet. Thing is, as much as I LOVE her red velvet cake, pecan
pie, peach cobbler, etc, she doesn't have to do it. And she ends up scarfing down as much as
I do (at lot-you'd have to be there). Am I killing my SIL to satisfy a sweet tooth? She doesn't
think so.

To your point, looks like you new BIL is concerned about his new wife's health.
But(and this from the big brother in me) keep an eye on things, if you catch my drift.

[Rosemary2205]

18. Maybe she likes being nagged.

She DID pick a nagger.

Just sayin........

[AlCzervik]

21. my guess is that this isn't the first time he's nagged her about her weight

or something else. It's hard for you i'm sure, my bil said something similar to my sister not too long ago and it made me feel really uncomfortable, like i wanted to belt him. I said nothing but i looked at him and then at her and rolled my eyes and left it at that. you're damned if you do and you feel guilty if you don't.

[TheDoorbellRang]

22. Nagging someone to lose weight is like nagging someone to quit drinking

it just doesn't work. I'd probably mention it to him once, but if he nags alot, it would be as likely for him to stop nagging as it would be for her to benefit from it.

One of the wisest women I know was overweight at one time, and went on a rigid regimen of diet and exercise until she lost the extra weight, but then realized unless she kept it up, she'd gain weight, but keeping the regimen up was driving her nuts -- she had to eat at precise times, precise amounts, etc.(at least in her mind, she did). She serendipitously tripped across some books by Geneen Roth, which she told me saved her sanity. They're evidently very good, because it's been about five years since my wise friend has kept her weight off, eats when and what she wants, and swears she'll never go on a diet ever again. I had to search Amazon to remember the author's name, and all the books she's done have 4 to 5 stars beside them, so they must work for a lot of folks.

Good luck to you and your sister.

[Droopy]

23. Thank you and welcome to DU

:toast:

[philosophie_en_rose]

26. I'd say how you feel.

You can't change him, but you can let him know that you're not going to be his accomplice in making your sister feel bad about herself. If you make it clear that you're speaking for yourself and not your sister, I don't see a problem with communicating your feelings.

[supernova]

28. This is a very delicate situation, droopy

I find it admirable and sweet you want to protect your sister. :-)

But you are right to not interfere in their marriage. I would be supportive of her when she asks though.

About the nagging. It might just be low-level nagging. It might also be something more serious. Only time will tell that. Observe them over time to discover which is which.

[Rabrrrrrr]

37. On the plus side (no pun intended), he won't be your BIL for long.

[Fire Walk With Me]

38. You marry for loving who they are, not what you want them to be.

Unfortunately, you cannot change others ;-)

If you are concerned that someone is harming themself, tell them, and tell them that there is another way, and that you'll show them if they're ever interested. Then let it go completely.

Would you follow through on a different path of behaviour if you'd been forced into it? Or manipulated into it?

[NC_Nurse]

41. Sounds like she liked him anyway.

It's her choice. Not yours. Have faith in her to deal with it, you can't rescue her.