It's only been a month since my son moved back with me

[MissMillie]

and I was so sure things were going well. Not perfectly, mind you, because nothing is ever perfect, but it had seemed to me that he had not only learned that life rarely about doing whatever you want whenever you want and without consequences. It also seemed to me he had learned not to take his mother forgranted.

But alas....

Last night I woke up around midnight to go to the bathroom. When I came out of my room I could hear giggling on the back stairs (outside--the window was open).

When I went to see what was going on (after all, he didn't get home until around 11, and he has to be to work for 9 tomorrow--so why is he up and why does he have company).


There he was on the back stair w/ a friend, smoking pot.

Now I have nothing against people who smoke pot, but I don't want it in my home. I'm also a little concerned that on a warm-ish night others in the building might have their windows open. I'm not keen on getting thrown out of my apartment.

Lastly, if you can't house and feed yourself, you shouldn't be spending money on drugs. Especially when the kindness of your mother (her letting you back into her home) means she is struggling to get from paycheck to paycheck.

I'm kinda pissed today. I don't know how to deal with this.

I can't stop him from buying pot. If he smokes it somewhere else, then he'll be driving to get home. I don't want that either. I don't want drugs in my home.

Why is it that whenever things seem to be going well, it's always too good to be true?

[Wapsie B]

1. He's going to have to hit rock bottom before he grows up.

No drugs in the house or he's gone.

[skygazer]

2. I'm sorry, MissMillie

I've read of your troubles with your son and I honestly think he's never going to grow up until he has to sink or swim on his own. I know its hard but I really think you need to quit rescuing him. :hug:

[triguy46]

3. Are you sure that allowing drug use is within the guidelines...

you had predetermined? You bailed him out, he owes you respect, and that means follow the rules of she who is paying the bills. Your rules, not his as he see fits. You made a good faith effort. I'm so sorry for this.

[HamdenRice]

4. How old is he? Maybe you shouldn't sweat the little things

When it comes to teen/early 20s boys, I just say to myself, he has brain damage as the scientists tell us, and until his frontal lobes develop fully, there's not much he or I can do. Smoking pot on the stairs is annoying and disobeying is worse, but compared to things he could be doing, it's kind of minor and par for the course. (Sorry if I don't know some back story that makes this a lot worse.)

Express your displeasure calmly. Then buy a calendar computer program. Mark out the approximate date when his frontal lobes will have fully developed and start marking down the days as they pass. Use this as a form of meditation every time something like this happens.

[Connonym]

6. but not in her house

I think we have to look no further than the lounge to see what kind of trouble can happen if you let someone else have drugs in your home. Cops don't care if it's not yours. Be strong MissMillie :hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

17. pre-fucking-cisely.

i'm on probation for it and going through a ton of shit. wheeee!

[alphafemale]

10. And in some places have rules that the entire family can be evicted for one person's drug use.

That's really putting his mom at risk.

[triguy46]

12. If this is a little thing, what is a big thing?

Not sure there is much discernment or judgment being demonstrated by son. I think he knows how to work the system to his advantage. I would suggest that a calm response will yield no change. I agree with the prior post that he will have to hit rock bottom if there is any chance. Ignoring this is essentially enabling the behavior which is more than drug use, but one of using loved ones best intentions for personal pleasure.

[Wcross]

5. He ought to be contributing to the household expenses.

If he is over 18 years of age he ought to be contributing towards the household expenses. You are 100% right that if he can't afford to contribute to the household he can't afford to buy pot. You need to sit him down and tell him that he is going to need to make a contribution or make other arrangements. You can do it in a non-confrontational manner and just lay out the facts that money is tight and you resent having to sacrifice while he is blowing his money on marijuana.
I admire people who can deal with children, I lack the patience to ever be able to do it right.

BTW- Did you get the water heater fixed? I sure hope so!

[MissMillie]

7. Not sure about the hot water heater

because it can be "reset" and work for a few hours, I don't know whether it's been fixed, or just reset. I'll know when I try to do dishes and laundry tonight.

[seemunkee]

8. Did you make him sign an agreement?

Can't recall if you did or not. If not time to write one up. If so that should be his first strike and let him know what the consequences are.

[MissMillie]

9. no, I didn't

but he and I did have an understanding--or so I thought--that if you can't house and feed yourself, you can't afford drugs.

[Redbear]

11. Maybe you need a clarifying discussion

to make sure that he understands.

[MissMillie]

13. I think what bothers me the most

is that he says one thing, and does another.

Apparently it just doesn't bother him that he is eroding what little trust I had left in him.

[Shine]

14. Good call, get it in writing.

:thumbsup:

[Shine]

15. I agree with skygazer and seemunkee on this one

he needs to grow up and sink or swim on his own. If you keep rescuing him, he'll never "get it". :hug: Sometimes "tough love" is the best thing.

Having specific written agreements, with specific consequences if they're broken, is mandatory, imo. Otherwise, he'll keep doing exactly what he's been doing: taking advantage of you, without you ever having made clear boundaries.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this crap, MM. :hug:

[PeaceNikki]

16. I offer this

:hug:

No advice or judgement, only empathy and support in whatever you decide is best for you and him.

[Debi]

18. Ask yourself -

If you give him the ultimatum - no pot in my house - will you kick him out if you catch him again?

And if the answer is yes - how long before you let him back in?

:hug: sorry this is happening - again.

[Kali]

19. no smoking the weed in or near my house

you can't respect me I can't help you. Get a job, get your own place, smoke all you can afford.

(in his defense, to the point that he shouldn't be spending $ on drugs - maybe he didn't spend anything on it and he was mooching off his friend)

[MissMillie]

20. yeah, that thought entered my mind too

but it doesn't excuse the lies. He told me that he doesn't smoke pot.

[Kali]

22. oh that is terrible, I know how dissappointing and hurtful that is

he is using you and your love for him. It is so hard to have that happen from your child. Tell him, maybe give him another chance if you have to or just say that was his last chance, time to go. Maybe the friend can put him up until he gets a job.

He will survive, he is young and capable - he obviously can get people to do what he wants.

[Gormy Cuss]

21. It's a shame that he's disappointing you again.

I agree with the others that it's time for a good talk and putting the agreement in writing so there's no pretending that it doesn't exist. HamdenRice may be right that his problem is that he isn't fully grown up yet and will eventually get there, but in the meantime he needs to understand that it's disrespectful of you to put you at risk because of his pot smoking at home (he can assume the risk for himself, but that's a different story)and for whatever other behaviors are taxing you. He's had several chances and keeps blowing them. Maybe it's time life with mom got a little tougher. I know that with my friends and family in similar circumstances that's what it took. Good luck.