hello old friends! I need you folks with a sense of humor to help me out!

[fleabert]

First of all- hi there- I have once again been absent for way too long. I have missed you all and hope everyone is well. My most recent reason for dropping off the face of DU (and the world really) is complex and uninteresting to the general public- if you knew me here, or irl, and are interested, drop me a pm and I will share.

now- what made me post this afternoon...

I got a stupid email. probably what brought me here the first time so long ago! It's a joke begging for a response, but I am not funny in the slightest unless I am brainstorming, so I need everyone's help formulating a mirror response. Perhaps it's on here already and someone could just search for me (I couldn't donate this year :-( )

Here is the text of the 'joke', it's long and stupid, barely worthy of a response imo, but the way i got it was as a forward from a liberal friend in texas, and she so wants to send something scathingly funny back to the prick who sent it to her. She specifically asked that it include Gonzalez and Craig...so I ask you my friends- to help a sister out!

2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule

7:00 p.m.
Opening Flag Burning.

7:15 p.m.
Pledge of Allegiance to the United Nations.

7:30 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:30 – 8:00 p.m.
Nonreligious prayer and worship:
Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.

8:00 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:05 p.m.
Ceremonial Tree Hugging

8:15 – 8:30 p.m.
Gay Wedding:
Barney Frank, officiating

8:30 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:00 p.m.
Keynote Speech:
“The Proper Etiquette for Surrender”
French President Jacques Chirac.

9:20 p.m.
Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden Kidney Transplant Fund.

9:30 p.m.
Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay.
Sean Penn

9:40 p.m.
“Why I hate the Military”
A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton

9:45 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:50 p.m.
Dan Rather receives “Truth in Broadcasting” award
presented by Michael Moore.

9:55 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:20 p.m.
Nomination of Hillary Clinton for President
by Mahmoud Amadinejad.

11:00 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

11:05 p.m.
Al Gore reinvents the internet.

11:15 p.m.
“Our Troops are War Criminals”
presented by John Kerry.

11:30 p.m.
Coronation of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

12:00 a.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:05 p.m.
Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.

[billyskank]

1. fleabert!!!!

:*

Sorry, got nothing on your reply.

Just a :hug:

:loveya:

[fleabert]

3. hi!

omg you are so fast it's blinding! miss you! :hug:

[billyskank]

5. Miss you more.

:hug:

[MissMillie]

2. somebody posted a response to this email last week

I just don't remember if it were here in the Lounge or in GD

and I don't remember who posted it.

[fleabert]

4. that is promising!

hopefully someone will find it for me so I can send it on it's way!

thanks!

[dolo amber]

6. This has nothing to do with any of that...

Just my way of saying hi. :hi: :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ib0WRIiCw5A

[fleabert]

8. hello there!

I had forgotten about that- many thanks...

here's one of my faves :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMNry4PE93Y

[supernova]

7. Last week's DUzy's

here's an entry from madinmaryland:

response #1 by madinmaryland:

Try this....
6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "I Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer-in-headlights stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation's economy
11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

The Lounge, August 31, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph...

[fleabert]

10. thanks!

maybe I can write in Gonz and Craig... thanks for the link!

[Oeditpus Rex]

9. Looks like that one's makin' the rounds

This is the third time I've seen it posted here, and I got it a couple months ago.

I replied with this:



REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE
CONVENTION SCHEDULE
New York, NY

6:00 PM
Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 PM
Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 PM
Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)

6:45 PM
Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

6:46 PM
Seminar #1: Katherine Harris: "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

7:30 PM
Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7:35 PM
Trent Lott: "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"

7:40 PM
EPA Address #1: "Mercury: It's What's for Dinner"

8:00 PM
Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 PM
Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 PM
John Ashcroft lecture: "The Homos Are After Your Children"

8:30 PM
Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)

8:50 PM
Seminar #2: "Corporations: The Government of the Future"

9:00 PM
Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"

9:05 PM
Phyllis Schlafly speaks: "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"

9:10 PM
EPA Address #2: "Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires"

9:30 PM
Break for secret meetings

10:00 PM
Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas

10:15 PM
Carl Rove Lecture: "Doublespeak Made Simple"

10:30 PM
Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: "How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When
You Feel Squishy Inside"

10:35 PM
Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare

10:40 PM
John Ashcroft Demonstration: "New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt"

10:45 PM
GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice

10:46 PM
Ann Coulter's Tribute: "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"

10:50 PM
Seminar #3: "Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy"

11:10 PM
Hillary Clinton Pinata

11:20 PM
John Ashcroft Lecture: "Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult"

11:30 PM
Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11:35 PM
Blame Clinton

11:40 PM
Newt Gingrich speaks: "The Sanctity of Marriage"

11:41 PM
Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

11:50 PM
Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 PM
Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord



(I know Falwell's dead, but that probably doesn't matter to them.)

[fleabert]

11. i figured I wasn't the first- thanks!

I am going to try and make it work for '08- there have been so many changes in the admin that a lot of them don't work directly for shrub anymore!

[DS1]

12. okay, if i don't get them all, someone can follow

2008 RNC Convention


7:00 p.m.
Bathroom Stall Assignments handed out to prevent further 'mishaps' and 'confusion'

7:15 p.m.
Pledge to Donate to the RNC

7:30 p.m.
John McCain stabs a foreign chef in the throat

7:30 – 8:00 p.m.
John Bolton smears the blood all over his face and does the customary illegal-alien purge dance

8:00 p.m.
Ronald Reagan's effigy is burned

8:05 p.m.
Ceremonial Dollar Hugging

8:15 – 8:30 p.m.
Totally Not Gay (Anymore) Song and Dance Routine by the "Toilettes":
Bob Allen, Danial Craig

8:30 p.m.
Ronald Reagan's effigy is burned

9:00 p.m.
Keynote Speech:
“The Proper Etiquette for Starting Something You Can't Finish”
Former Pentagon Advisor Paul Wolfowitz

9:20 p.m.
Collection to benefit Jenna's secret abortion fund

9:30 p.m.
How to use sub-prime foreclosures and tax dollars to get yourself a free house
Duke Cunningham

9:40 p.m.
“Why I hate Bridges that go places”
A short talk by Sen. Ted Stevens

9:45 p.m.
Ronald Reagan's effigy is burned

9:50 p.m.
Tony Snow frozen in Carbonite
presented by Rita Cosby.

9:55 p.m.
Ronald Reagan's effigy is burned

10:20 p.m.
Nomination of Fred Thompson for President
by the President of the Screen Actors Guild.

11:00 p.m.
Ronald Reagan's effigy is burned

11:05 p.m.
George W. Bush burns the Constituion

11:15 p.m.
Alberto Gonzales eats the ashes

11:30 p.m.
Coronation of Joseph McCarthy

12:00 a.m.
Ronald Reagan's effigy is burned

12:05 p.m.
Dick Cheney is buried between Ron and Nancy

[fleabert]

13. excellent!

and oh-so-timely!

:-)

[eyepaddle]

14. First off--HI FLEABERT!!!!!

:hi:

There's no need to respond to that crap, but if you feel like it anyhow, just tell 'em 1994 called and it wants its shitty jokes back.

Other than the gitmo reference this tripe is at least that old.

And if you can work in a "where's the beef" reference you'll totally score bonus points.

Nevertheless, it's good to see you back on DU! :)

[fleabert]

15. Hi eyepaddle!

it's good to 'see' everyone again, :sigh: I missed y'all! :hug:

I totally agree- but my friend really wants to respond, so I am just helping her out, and I will use your suggestions- you are too funny! esp. the 'shitty jokes back' part, omg. :rofl:

[eyepaddle]

16. Glad to help

If there is one thing that drives me crazier than right-wing hackery, it is repetitive and unorignal right-wing hackery. ANd this is about as repetive as it gets.

Maybe you could try a Henny Youngman riff (as long as we're keepin' it fresh!) "Take my joke--please!"

Or maybe a little Dangerfield--"I tell ya, I don't get any respect, any respect at all--just because Alberto Gonzales justifies torture and wiretapping American citizens without a warrant--which is a total violation of the fourth amendment--people expect me to wrtie new jokes every decade!

I tell ya, I don't get any respect at all



Yeah, it's a bit of a stretch, but that's what I got fer ya at the moment!

[sarge43]

17. Welcome back, fleabert

Tuck this in your answer, svp

9:40pm: Salute to the armed forces, everyone puts on their Purple Heart band-aids, followed by all Republican veterans marching to the podium. Instead, Senators Hagel and McCain will do a close order dill demo.

[WinkyDink]

18. Here's mine:

7:00 p.m.
Opening Flag Desecration (G. W. Bush's autographing one)

7:15
Pledge of Allegiance to the Carlyle Group

7:30
George W. Bush proposes a toast, forgets words.

7:30-8:00
Super-religious prayer and worship:
"Mother" and "Father" Sun-Myung Moon. Special Lay reader: "Poppy" Bush.

8:00
George W. Bush proposes a toast, slurs words.

8:05
Ceremonial bald-head rubbing.

8:15-8:30
Gay Wedding
Groom: Karl Rove; Bride: Larry Craig

8:30
George W. Bush proposes a toast, chokes on pretzel.

9:00
Keynote Speech
"Torture for Fun and Profit", Frmr. A-G Alberto Gonzalez

9:20
Collection to benefit Henry Kissinger War Criminal Defense Fund.

9:30
Unveiling of plan to incarcerate registered Democrats:
John Yoo

9:40
"Why You Go With the Nuclear Weapons You Have, Not the Nuclear Weapons You Want"
Short talk by Donald Rumsfeld

9:45
George W. Bush proposes a toast, Laura reads it for him

9:50
Judith Miller receives "Truth in Reporting" Award,
presented by Jayson Blair.

9:55
George W. Bush proposes a toast, asks for butter and jam

10:20
Nomination of Fred Thompson for President,
by remote on QVC

11:00
George W. Bush proposes to Condi

11:05
The CIA invents WMD's

11:15
"Our Troops are Excellent Fodder",
presented by the JCoS

11:30
Purchase of Mr. Fred Thompson for President

12:00
George Bu...us.....sh...show me the way to go home, bum, bum, bum....

12:05
Laura Bush drives home on a route perpendicular to that of George W. Bush.

[DS1]

20. Nice

12:10 was gearing up to be the best part

[EFerrari]

19. Where have you been, fleabert!

:hi:

12:07 Hillary says no thanks, she can walk home - hopping from one body of a discredited Republican pervert to another.