My marriage is in jeopardy

[malta blue]

:cry:

Every day we grow farther apart. I got home from a 10 day vacation yesterday morning and he said no more than 30 words to me, yet he was chatting and laughing on the phone with his buddies while he locked himself in our bedroom to watch TV all day.

He is depressed and has become more and more passive aggresive.

Our insurance does not cover marriage counseling and we can't afford it on a regular basis.

We moved into our new house at the end of June and he has no interest in anything. We bought this house because HE was unhappy in the old one.

:cry: :cry:

I could really use a hug....


edit: spelling

[ceile]

1. Oh, I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[malta blue]

7. Thanks

:hug:

[billyskank]

2. I can do a hug

:hug:

But I know nothing about marriages.

[malta blue]

8. Thank you Billy

:hug:

[seemunkee]

3. Sorry

Not communicating makes it hard to work things out.
:hug:

[malta blue]

9. The more he withdraws, the angrier I get.

I know it is the wrong approach, but it seems that anything I say at this point is interpreted as antagonistic because he just takes over the bedroom and I feel locked out.

[fleabert]

4. i am so sorry.

:hug:

It's so hard when you can't seem to reach someone who is close to you. perhaps your insurance would cover individual counseling instead of couples? I know mine works that way. I hope he feels better soon, and you too.

[malta blue]

10. The insurance will cover individual counseling.

I have no problem with that, but he does. I have gone many, many times in the past. It sounds wrong, but I know that my gripes are valid and his are very selfish. This is the problem. He feels that I don't do X, Y or Z. When I point out that I do - he says it is not because I want to, it is because I feel like I have to. He is right on some of these, but I know that a counselor will tell us that his demands are unreasonable on many fronts.

[kay1864]

37. Many counselors will "work with you" on this

i.e. after an initial individual visit, he/she can see you as a couple, but then submit the claim as an individual counseling visit. This is esp. true if it's the kind of counselor who works out of his/her home as opposed to an office.

But if your insurance is an HMO, your options are more limited (since you're only seeing "their people").

Good luck :hug:

[malta blue]

44. Thanks for the tip...eom

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

5. Oh, I'm sorry to hear this

Do you have close friends or family you can talk to? What about any mutual friends who might be willing to hear both sides and help you sort things out?

I hope things get better. :hug: :loveya:

[malta blue]

11. Thanks DTBK

I have my mom, and she is super supportive. I also have two friends of his that I can talk to - people that have known him since grade school. I sent one of them an email today, I am waiting for his perspective....

Thanks:hug:

[cobalt1999]

6. Did you vacation alone or together?

Maybe he is just pissed you left without him?

Sorry to hear that though.

[malta blue]

15. The vacation thing was his doing...

I visit my mom every summer (she lives out of the country) and he has yet to come with because he is always taking days off here and there and never has the vacation time available to him. I work my ass off every day and even when the my daughter is sick, her dad (my ex) and I split the sick time, and we work it out so that he works first shift and I work second, or vice-versa to ensure that we don't have to use our vacation/sick time if we can.

The trip is at the same time every year - he just does not plan accordingly. If he is pissed, he has not said so.

Thanks:hi:

[ThomCat]

12. I hope he comes out of his depression and starts

dealing with things. :(

:hug:
Please hang in there.

[malta blue]

16. Thank you friend...

:loveya: :hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

13. ...

Hard to address the issue if he won't talk to you about it. I hope that between friends and family you can find a way to get the support that you need.
:hug:

[malta blue]

17. Thank you ....

:hug:

I am blessed to have a very supportive mom and dad.

[lost-in-nj]

14. Heres a hug

:hug: :hug:

or 2


lost

[malta blue]

18. Thanks lost....

I really need them...
:hug:

[China_cat]

19. This remark is not meant to be cruel even though it will sound like it

But I think you need to ask yourself 'would my and my children's lives be better without him'. It sounds like it might be.

Sometimes love just -isn't- enough.

[malta blue]

20. It does not sound cruel, and I ask myself that all the time

lately. My first marriage ended in divorce due to adultery and alcohol. This marriage is falling apart and he is drinking ALOT (three bottles of wine nightly). Gentle reminders of my problems with consumption issues fall on deaf ears. I am at a loss at this point.:cry:

[yardwork]

24. Three bottles of wine a night is a LOT of alcohol

Do you do Al-Anon? It is free, and it might help.

[malta blue]

27. He does not think it is alot. I try to tell him that

two GLASSES is okay, two BOTTLES is not....then he just pushes it to three and four bottles....it is almost like he wants me to fight him on it. I can't. He scares me when he gets angry. He outweighs me (and I am not small) by over 100 pounds. He has gained so much weight lately and does not seem to care about that either. How do you tell someone they are overweight???

I don't think he will do Al-anon, but his best friend recently quit drinking altogether because he found that he could no longer moderate. I was hoping that it would rub off, but it seems my husband is drinking for two these days.

[yardwork]

31. Al-Anon is for the partners of those with a drinking problem.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. He will not admit that he has a problem until he's ready to quit, and that might be never. I have friends and close family members who drank themselves to death. It happens all the time.

If you go to some Al-Anon meetings, you will meet people in situations like yours. It might help.

Hugs to you.

[malta blue]

45. Thanks - I did not know that.

I will look into it.
:hi:

[yardwork]

102. There are Al-Anon chapters all over the world. Membership is anonymous.

Best of luck to you!

[uppityperson]

108. I went to al-anon for a while, it helped. Hugs to you malta blue.

al-anon helped me look at me, how I reacted, what I could do for myself, about me. It helped me through the really hard thing of discovering that even though I loved the person I was with, even though this person was overall a really good person, I needed to not live/be with him. It was very hard. Al-anon helped a friend figure out how to not get caught up in it all, what parts she had any control over, how to remain living with her person.

Al-anon is for friends and families of alcoholics because we have stuff we have to deal with also. Best to you.

[Deep13]

116. Remember that Al-Anon like all 12-step groups...

...DEPENDS on religious faith for its "program." Do yourself a favor and approach this with skepticism. Do not be fooled by the artificial distinction between "religious" and "spiritual." They mean the same thing.

The steps of Al-Anon, listed below with my comments in parenthesis, make sense to an Evangelical Christian, but should not to anyone else. They were written by a pair of Fundamentalists in the 1930s and have not changed since then despite advances in the understanding of addiction. Besides, YOU are NOT the one with the drinking problem. I know some will say that I speak from ignorance or that I have an axe to grind. Nevertheless, the facts are what they are. Nothing in the AA/NA/Al-Anon group has ever been clinically proved to have any therapeutic value. Also, since the group members are not licensed therapists, there is NO legally enforceable confidentiality in Al-Anon.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. (This is counter productive. Only the patient can do anything about it. Anyway, you are not the one drinking.)

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. (Modern psychiatry? I doubt it.)

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
(Only the Christian god purports to be interested in running people's lives in this manner. The Buddhist "god" is far too impersonal for this. Unfortunately, a personal god does not exist in any meaningful way.)

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. (Remember to convince yourself that you are crap.)

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
(How will this save your marriage again?)

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
(It's never worked before, but hey, what the hell.)

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. (Again, how will this make your husband stop being an alcoholic?)

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
(Flagellate yourself in front of people who have long forgotten about whatever it is we are talking about.)

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
(Um, was there a marriage issue or something here?)

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
(Fuck his will. This is when you pledge yourself to the A.A./N.A./Al-Anon cult forever. Besides this god certainly does not exist.)

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. (There are no spirits. This is what some of the other posters are trying to do to you.)

[TheDoorbellRang]

131. Actually, AlAnon does NOT depend on religious faith at all

The idea that it did is what kept me from going to an AlAnon meeting for years. That and the idea that talking with folks with similar problems wouldn't be as effective as going to a counselor.

Anecdotally, I can tell you that AlAnon literally saved my sanity. I went to meetings for about five years; I don't go any longer so the "sucked into it forever" didn't apply to me. I still don't go to church, nor was I ever encouraged to do so. AlAnon refers to a "God of my understanding," which can be anything from the white bearded guy in the robe to universal cohesion at the atomic level to the accumulated life knowledge of a group. The main premise is to acknowledge that one's self does not have all the answers. My favorite quote from those days: "Religion is for people that are afraid of going to hell; spirituality is for people that have been there."

What helps the most in these groups is developing an ability to look objectively at our own behavior. Living with an alcoholic warps the behavior of everyone around him/her; it is easy to "rationalize" why we who live with them "must" do certain things. I'd go to a meeting and listen to someone describing how they reacted to a loved one's drinking bout and think, "Well, that's just crazy." It'd take me a click or two to realize I did the same thing, but in my mind it had made such good sense. I ended up going from a controlling, angry person to someone who realized the only one I could "fix" was myself. Much more manageable.

The perks for me? Once I stopped "enabling," my loved one took responsibilty and dealt with his problems, which indeed, only he could do. This doesn't work for everyone, granted, but I did say this was anecdotal.

[TheDoorbellRang]

132. See my post downthread., maltablue.

AlAnon saved my sanity, and it's free. :hi:

Good luck to you.

[China_cat]

34. Al-anon would be for YOU. Not for him.

To learn to live with yourself and maybe realize that you aren't going to change things...only he can change his behavior. Trust me, it'll help.

I've been there and almost died because of it. It took learning that -I- was not the problem. And I mean more than just knowing it intellectually. That's the hard part...to get it to click so that YOU get some righteous anger. For the day when you can say 'how dare you do this to us' without a little voice in the background saying 'if you'd just let me I could fix this'.

[malta blue]

46. Thanks so much....

I really had no idea that I could seek out help for this too.

[Zoigal]

36. Hey, this guy needs help

(But you know that already)...would any of his friends be able to
talk with him about his problems? Get him into AA or counseling or.....
Hang in there, Malta B....p

[malta blue]

48. His best friend recently quit drinking

so I am hoping that I can recruit him to help me with this.

Thanks:hi:

[China_cat]

78. Unless and until HE is ready to get some help

nothing will change. His friend will probably tell you the same. (And, if this friend is just recently sober, it might not be good at this time for his own recovery to be trying to help somebody else)

[NC_Nurse]

21. He needs to get his ass to counseling.

Sounds like you've done it for you. If he's unhappy, HE needs to take responsibility.
If he isn't willing, you can't help him and you may have to let go.

He sounds angry and depressed to me. Some community health centers have counselors on a sliding scale.
He could talk to his medical doctor about his options too. Maybe they would have some suggestions.

It's not your fault. :hug: Everybody has work to do on themselves in this life. If he chooses to avoid himself and be miserable, there's not much you can do.
Love yourself. You deserve it. :-)

[malta blue]

25. He asked me for the insurance information over two

months ago and I gave him all the info, plus the name of some good counselors in the area, but he never followed up. I can't be responsible for that.

I am going to see if he will go individually and then I will go with him on occasion. That way it may be covered.

Thank you.:hug:

[NC_Nurse]

41. Good luck.

I hope he does it. You've certainly done what you can.

[redqueen]

22. ...

:pals:

hope things get better soon, malta blue

[malta blue]

26. Thank you redqueen.

:pals:

I hope they get better soon too.:cry:

[SeattleGirl]

23. Sorry to say this, but it sounds as if he's not interested in keeping the

marriage going, but he's not willing to say so, so he's doing the passive-aggressive thing.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

:hug:

[malta blue]

28. He moved to NY from California when we got married and

I don't think he has ever gotten over that.

Maybe I need to send HIM on a vacation.

Thanks SG - hey - how is your mom?

[SeattleGirl]

29. Maybe that is what he needs, a change of scenery for a bit.

My mom has been back in the hospital for the past couple of weeks. She was very dehydrated and malnourished, so they put her in to get her back up to speed. They've put a feeding tube in her, but right now, she's working on being able to do things for herself so she can go home.

Thank you so much for asking.

[malta blue]

30. Perhaps I will suggest it.

I hope your mom gets better soon.:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

32. Thanks, mb.

I hope things get better for you, too. :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

33. *hugs* I hope it will improve

[malta blue]

50. Thank you.

:hug:

[Shine]

35. I'm sorry, malta blue

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya:

That sucks. Is there any way you could consider dipping into an equity line to get some counseling? I know that it's painful to consider going further into debt to make it happen, but if it could help save your marriage it might be worth it.

Being with a depressed spouse is depressing, in itself. I know. :hug:

look for my PM.... :loveya:

[malta blue]

51. thanks friend.

:hug: :hug:

[xchrom]

38. ...

:hug: you have to take care of yourself -- for right now -- he's gone.

it would be right for you to act accordingly.

[malta blue]

52. I just can't believe that I have another

failed marriage. What kind of example am I setting for my little one?
:cry:

[xchrom]

64. except -- you didn't do it.

and life is life -- and the best example you can ever set for your little one is to live the best you can.

and to take care of yourself in a healthy way.

right now -- in sense -- you are being used and badly.

you are a good person -- deserving of treating yourself right and being treated right -- all the love and support i can give you or anyone else -- can't replace that.

[malta blue]

66. You are right, and I know that.

Thanks for the reminder.:pals:

[xchrom]

75. you betchya --

:pals:

[uppityperson]

109. You sound like you see the good in people, are a kind caring person.

That is what you are showing your little one. Now, how to take care of you also? Hugs to you and hang in there.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

39. My dear malta blue...

I am so sorry, sweetie...

He sounds as though he might be depressed.......

Is there stuff going on at his job?

Maybe he feels overwhelmed with the new house, and the loss of your pet...

I would strongly recommend that you seek out some marriage counseling where you pay based on your ability to pay...

I know those exist...

Hugs for you, sweetie...:hug:

[malta blue]

53. Thanks Peggy.

I am going to call a therapist that I have used in the past and see if she will see us using one of us as an individual patient. I know his work is stressful which is why I have been loathe to broach the subject, but this is just getting a little out of hand.
:hug:

[grace0418]

40. I've been there sweetie, with a depressed spouse. It's hell.

My husband actually went to counseling and managed to find the most non-objective therapist ever. After ONE HOUR with him telling his side of the story (and how much can you really say in an hour anyway?), she concluded that our marriage was not worth saving and he should leave me. Never mind that he was severely depressed so his side of the story was really colored by that. She didn't seem to notice his depression at all. Great therapist. Thank maude he didn't listen. Even in his fog of depression he thought that seemed really extreme.

Things are much better now though. This was about 7 years ago. So I hope the same can happen for you. However, do what you need to protect your own happiness. His drinking is definitely troublesome.

Hugs to you. Please let us know how you are doing.

[malta blue]

54. that is one messed up therapist....

I am glad your husband did not listen.

I am going to try and do my best by my little one and myself.

:hug:

[BlueIris]

42. Hug. And...

...egh.

"I got home from a 10 day vacation yesterday morning and he said no more than 30 words to me, yet he was chatting and laughing on the phone with his buddies while he locked himself in our bedroom to watch TV all day."

In my opinion, this is no way for one spouse to treat another. It sounds like a very sad situation to me. I hope you can at least try to get him some individual counseling, or at least a chat with a doctor (sounds like he might want to consider medication).

[malta blue]

56. I felt so horrible.

I could not believe that this was happening to us.

I have suggested medication. It has worked for me in the past. His problem is that he likes to drink and most medication discourage drinking...:cry:

[BlueIris]

62. Um, it sounds like his problem is depression. Drinking makes that worse, by the way.

If he's so unwilling to address his problems that he can't fathom the idea of not drinking while on medication to correct a depressive disorder he's...it seems to me like there could be some major issues there.

With all due respect, I'm not sure why you're putting up with this. I wouldn't, personally, as depression is not only a serious medical condition but that condition has worsened to the point that it's degrading quality of life for both of you.

I'd call a crisis line or something, to get tips on how to try to help your husband get the help he needs, and advice about what to do if he continues to resist treatment.

[malta blue]

63. Thank you BlueIris.

I am not sure why I put up with it either. He just called to say he will be home in an hour. I am not looking forward to his arrival. Damn - that hurts.:cry:

[Bombero1956]

43. he should see a regular MD first

then a therapist. What does he do for a living? Does he have family in California? if so then maybe he should go back for a while.

[malta blue]

57. He has not been inclined to discuss it with the MD

I am not sure why, but I will suggest it again.

His family is now spread everywhere, but I do think he should go spend some time with his family. The problem is he has no vacation time from work to be able to do so.

Thanks

[MissMillie]

47. I'm not qualified to give advice

but I am qualified to give hugs

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm going to send you healing vibes for you and your husband.

[malta blue]

58. MissMillie

Those hugs are sooo welcome.

Thank you so very much!
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Maestro]

49. So sorry to hear this.

All I can offer is virtual :hug: Perhaps if you talked with a lawyer and let him know that, he might be motivated to seek help. If it doesn't, then I would say you need to have more conversations with a lawyer. No one deserves to be ignored.

[malta blue]

59. That seems so drastic, but in a way you may be right

in that I may need to do something drastic.

Thanks for the advice, I will keep it in mind.
:hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

55. Does he know your marriage is in jeopardy?

Maybe that sounds like a dumb question; but it sounds like you two aren't really talking about anything...so nothing will be resolved.

If you're near a university with a psych department, you may be able to find low-cost help there. Grad students would be counseling you, but they'd be closely monitored by their supervisors. A program at Maryland University really helped my older boy a few years ago. His counseling was charged on a sliding scale based on what we could afford.

:hug::hug::hug:

[malta blue]

60. He is open to marriage counseling, so I suppose he is aware that

there are serious issues. I am going to look into some ideas I got here today as far as payment for counseling.

Thanks GOG.
:hug: :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

61. Keep us posted...

However things work out, I wish you every happiness. :hug:

[skygazer]

65. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry

I hope you find a way to resolve things in a positive way. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[malta blue]

67. Thanks friend....

I am going to try...:hug:

[Guava Jelly]

68. I'm so sorry

You have all i can muster..

[malta blue]

71. thank you ...

:hug: :hug:

[bluethruandthru]

69. Get a book called "Getting the Love you Want"

by Harville Hendrix. It was recommended to me by a marriage counselor and it saved my marriage. You both need to read it.

[malta blue]

72. Thank you for the suggestion.

I will check the library tomorrow.

[bluethruandthru]

77. This book was better than counseling.

Counseling is only as good as the counselor. Before I heard about this book, my husband and I had been in marriage counseling for several months. The counselor saw us together and separately. I found out she had been telling my husband that, if he wasn't happy..he needed to go out and find what made him happy. He took that to mean it was okay to cheat! She put all the emphasis on being happy. There is no relationship where both parties are "happy" all the time.
Marriage is hard work and, when children are involved, it's about what they need more than anything. They need parents who can learn to work things out and not throw in the towel as soon as there is a problem.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound preachy...but there are ups and downs in every relationship and some are harder to work through than others. Your husbands behavior sounds very familiar and it's not easy to deal with. But, if you're motivated, I know you'll try. I wish you the very, very best!

[malta blue]

84. We just spoke for 2 hours and I emphasized the

fact that it does take both parties willing to give 110% - it cannot be either way. He did not clearly say that he was willing to work - he just acknowledged what I said.

Thanks

[zanne]

80. An important book about couples and depression....

I have dealt with this for 28 years, off and on. I finally found a book that explains what's going on with my husband when he gets depressed. It's called Depresssion Fallout; the impact on couples and what you need to do to preserve the bond.. by Anne Sheffied I strongly recommend that you get this book. It will save your sanity. Your situation sounds alot like mine.

[malta blue]

85. Thanks Zanne...

I will look into this as well.

[bigwillq]

70. First off

Have one of these :hug:

I am sorry this is happening to you.

Have you considered counseling? :shrug:

Have you asked him if he's happy in the marriage?

I am not sure of your past history, issues and problems, not sure if you mentioned them here, but I think you two could use some counseling but you also have to find out if he wants to make the marriage survive or not. If he's not willing to put in his 50 percent then why should you?

Good luck. :hug:

[malta blue]

73. Hey there...

We are considering counseling. I plan an trying to engage him in conversation again this evening. Little MB is at her dad's house, so it will be a good time to try and hammer some of this stuff out.

Thank you...:hug:

[bigwillq]

74. Communication is key

I hope it works out in the way that you want it to. :hug:

[WinkyDink]

107. Good luck. {{malta blue}}

[MichiganVote]

76. You know..well...you may not know...marriage counseling is much cheaper than divorce...

If the death of your marriage is not enough for you to sell whatever you do not need to afford marriage counseling, then maybe your choices have already been made. Edited to add, if you can afford a vacation.....

[malta blue]

87. I have been through one divorce that cost me over 30k

so I am well aware of the financial implications. At this point, I cannot afford over $100 weekly for marriage counseling. We recently purchased a home that increased our mortgage payment by $400 monthly. My airline tickets is all that needed to be purchased for my vacation and my mother purchased them so that we could visit her.
Thanks.

[rug]

79. Slow down. No need to escalate.

It's very easy for a thought to become a deed. Marriages can survive a lot.

[malta blue]

88. I am trying. I managed to get him to talk for 2 hours tonight.,

Nothing was resolved really, except that I feel like I have said what it is that I have to say - that is that the drinking needs to be moderated, and his silence is only making the situation worse.

[Radio_Lady]

81. Malta, don't worry about how it will look to your child... if you have to split up.

I'm sitting here with my third husband who has been with me for thirty-five years.

First marriage lasted little over a year.

Second marriage lasted little over nine years.

This one has had its ups and downs.


Not looking for sympathy, but I've got to undergo a root canal treatment tomorrow at 7 AM. Hubby will be there for moral support.

Think about who you want to be with you are facing big problems (not that this drinking isn't BIG...). Want to be with THIS INSENSITIVE GUY... ANOTHER PERSON COMPLETELY... OR JUST YOUR COMPASSIONATE SELF?

I hope this makes sense. I've been taking tough drugs today for pain...

[malta blue]

89. Radio Lady

I have read your posts about your life and loves and I find you quite inspiring on so many levels.

Thank you for your insight.

:hug:

[Radio_Lady]

103. Hi Malta. Thanks for your kind comments, on a day which has been particularly trying.

(Root canal treatment at 7 AM; still in some pain here at 4 PM.)

How is everything going for you today (Wednesday)?

I always worry about spousal abuse. It's the absolute pits and should not be happening... are you safe where you are tonight?

[malta blue]

104. Oh Radio Lady...

I am safe and sound at home with Little MB. MrMB is on his way home now. We had a long talk last night where each one of us aired some grievances. I find that his grievances are not things that I can change, however, so I am in quite a quandry tonight. MrMB moved to NY so that we could be together, since I would not have been able to move to California and take Little MB with me. He said that he "gave up" everything to be here, and that his knows what it is like to be happy and happy is "back there". I don't really know what to make of that...also he mentioned that since he got here he has always felt like a "guest" in the house....again, not sure what I can do to fix that. Yes, he moved into my house. I sold that house and we bought this one, but he feels that way here to since the most of the stuff came with us...now I am rambling.

Anyhow, thanks so much for your concern.:pals: It means more to me than you know.
~MB

[SPKrazy]

82. sorry malta blue

a hint though

if you go to a marriage counselor they sometimes have ways of working around the insurance non-coverage of marital counseling.

especially if there is a legitimate thing like an adjustment disorder going on--as in your case maybe... and an adjustment disorder is not a chronic condition so that it isn't something that haunts your insurance records forever like major depressive disorder is.

at any rate

sorry you are having such a time... :hug: :hug: :hug:

don't know what to tell you except to hang on..

[malta blue]

90. I have learned that in this thread

and am already on top of the counseling part my friend.

Thanks so much for checking in - hey how are you doing?
:hug: :hug:

[SPKrazy]

92. one day at a time

hanging in there

awaiting some furniture still so i feel a little lost...

but okay

:hug: :hug:

[malta blue]

97. ...

:loveya: :hug: :loveya:

[Hawkeye-X]

128. I concur with everyone else here - marriage counseling helps

I originally found my therapist for my drug addiction, and our therapist is also a marriage counselor, and my marriage was falling apart at one point, but after 3 years, it has never been stronger now than ever. My wife puts up with a lot of shit from me, but she still remains a tough gal, and I love her a lot for it. We still see him once a week.

It also helps that she finally found some friends here in Colorado after moving from New York where she had tons of friends and family. It was very tough on her - she was depressed a lot - so I understand what your husband is going through, and certainly what you are going through too.

Hope you can get the help you need with your husband, MB!

Hawkeye-X

[Left Is Write]

83. I'm so sorry, MB.

My heart hurts for you. :hug:

I hope you two will be able to work it out.

[malta blue]

91. LIW

I am so completely exhausted right now.

I want so badly for this to work.
:cry:

[Left Is Write]

96. ...

Sending you my best thoughts and my love.

[Haole Girl]

86. I don't have any advice to give

Just some hugs... :hug: :hug: :hug:

[malta blue]

94. I need as many as I can get

so I thank you very much.:hug:

[City of Mills]

93. I'm really sorry

Its such a tough thing to go through, just be sure to come by here for hugs and moral support! :grouphug:

[malta blue]

95. Right now the lounge is my only source of sanity....

pretty scary huh:rofl:

Thanks
:hug:

[City of Mills]

98. I hear you...

...it's sad how many folks are going through rough times right now, but I'm glad I'm not alone, I know that! Just remember what you're worth, which is roughly your weight in gold...you know? Hang in there and don't take any more shit than necessary!

[malta blue]

99. Misery loves company I suppose....

My mom considers DU my group therapy - she is probably right in a way.

[Rhiannon12866]

100. Oh, wow! I am so sorry!

And I sure feel your pain more than you know...;(

Rhiannon:hug::hug::hug:

[malta blue]

105. Rhiannon - my friend....I could really use an IRL get together

with you....PM me if you are available on Saturday....wanna come see my new place?

:hug:

[Rhiannon12866]

113. I would love to see you, as well, but am not sure what my plans are yet.

I had hoped to have some, but now I'm not sure. Check your inbox. :hug:

[Connonym]

101. I'm sorry

:hug: I wish I could offer something more concrete.

[malta blue]

106. Hugs are really good right now...

:hug:

Thanks.

[greymattermom]

110. get out

Suggest he and the nondrinking best friend get together for some activity involving exercise. Tennis, golf, racketball, hiking, whatever they like. All of that will help his mood.

[malta blue]

111. He has agreed to go to therapy and quit the solo drinking...

That is a good start for me.

Thanks:hi:

[Dervill Crow]

117. Those are huge!

Good wishes to both of you.

:hug:

[malta blue]

123. I am so pleased with his choices!

:hug:

[mduffy31]

112. I haven't seen or talked to my wife in 17 months

and not a day goes by that I am not ready for divorce papers to arrive and that I don't miss her.

[Dervill Crow]

118. I'm so sorry . . .

:hug:

[Phillycat]

114. Got a question...

how come you're taking vacations seperately? Especially for 10 days?

[malta blue]

120. We vacationed separately because his boss would not

let him take the time off, and my mom bought little MB and me tickets to come visit her.

[crim son]

115. I'm so sorry to hear about this.

Could he be depressed? I've suffered from clinical depression in the past and except in rare cases I've always managed to pull myself together for work or people outside the home. It's the close friends and family who bear the brunt of my self-loathing.
Just a thought. Depression can ruin a marriage just like it ruins everything else.

[malta blue]

121. He is depressed and will be going to a therapist on

his own for now, and I will join as needed. That way the insurance covers it and he will be getting the help that he needs right now. He admits he is depressed. The good news is he is going to seek help and he is also quitting the drinking alone.

[Eurobabe]

119. Sorry MB, hope things get better

sometimes marriage is a real be-yeotch. :hug: :grouphug:

[malta blue]

122. Ain't that the truth!

Thanks.:hug:

[Radio_Lady]

133. We all struggle with two competing concepts: FREEDOM and SECURITY!

I've found that you can really only take care of each one in some logical sequence... and that means some spaces in your togetherness.

I'm very pleased that he has stopped drinking and has agreed to counsel. Hopefully, he will gain some insight into his unhappiness. I don't think that lies in living in a jointly-owned house that you both chose in New York -- or the fact that he is not living in California which he apparently rhapsodizes about for some reason... We all have our fantasies about what might have been. Mine is more about what might have happened with my career if I hadn't met a man with three children in Boston. (We had only been married about two or three years when I was offered a talk radio job in NYC which might have paid me much more than $100,000 a year. I passed it up because of the five children and my new husband.)

There's an old philosophy I remember from one of my counseling sessions.

"You can go anywhere in the world -- and when you get there -- there YOU ARE!"

If the thought isn't clear, it really means we bring ourselves and our "baggage" with us wherever we go.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to.

[rbnyc]

124. I feel ya.

I'm so sorry. It is really hard to be the spouse of someone who is mentally ill and sustainable support is very hard to find. Does your insurance cover therapy just for him?

:hug:

I don't know what to say. I struggle with the same thing except at least we keep the lines of communication open. He may seem really deranged and his reaction to things may seem way out of proportion, but at least he's talking.

Keep trying, but remember to take time out just for yourself.

Best of luck.

[Redstone]

125. You can't afford to NOT get some counseling. Find a way, OK?

Redstone

[pink-o]

126. Hi, Malta Blue

...I don't know you or your situation, and I don't post here that often, but let me tell you what happened to me when my marriage fell apart:

We'd only been married 4 months (although we'd lived together 5 years previous to that) and suddenly hubby decided that he was bored and restless. He quit spending time with me and was gone most of the day. When he did show up, he'd eat the dinner I cooked, then either read or watch TV, never bothering with conversation or trying at all. I worked and worked on him, held on tight because I couldn't face the fact that I might have made a mistake and that we could have problems so soon after the wedding. Consequently, he pulled away even more, and I eventually found out he was cheating on me. He brought the other woman over to our house when I was working, then kiss her goodbye outside my front door, not even trying to hide it! Finally, the neighbour couldn't stand it and told me what was going on.

Anyway, if you can believe it, I was still ready to forgive him and make things work. He was unreceptive, but also wasn't making a whole lot of effort to move out. So I moved out instead--not because I wanted to leave him, but because I thought if I were gone he'd miss me so much that he'd repudiate the other relationship and want me back.

So I signed a lease on a rental, and spent a month with just a sleeping bag and a television in the apartment. I didn't hear from hubby at all. Then one day, I walked through the door to my empty rental, and it just hit me like an epiphany on the road to Damascus: I was better off without him. I was happy, laughing, not crying myself to sleep, not wishing I would die cuz it would feel better than what I was going thru. It felt so good not to have my stomach twisted in knots every time I came through my front door, to not be apprehensive and dreading what I was going to find. I actually laughed out loud, and the sunshine poured back into my life.

And the final irony? The hubby did call me a few weeks later, begging me to come back. How he loved me, how he missed me, and what a stupid mistake he made. I told him that wasn't gonna happen, that I had moved on and he needed to as well. It felt amazing to speak from a position of strength and confidence.

It's been over 10 years, and hindsight tells me I made the best decision of my life by telling him no. But I had to get away from him, away from the situation that was making me crazy before I could figure it out.

Listen, I know I've hijacked this with my little story, but it's so you know some of us have gone thru it as well and come out the other side stronger. I highly recommend extented time apart (a ten day vacation isn't long enough) if at all possible. It's hard, but it's the only way you can heal your own pain without his bleeding into it. Would such a solution work for you?

[Pushed To The Left]

127. Hug is on the way

:hug: My parents separated when I was 2 years old. I'm 34 now, and recently got into a discussion with both of my parents (they have remained friends over the years)about their divorce. After hearing what they had to say, I told them that it was a lack of communication that caused the marriage to end. Have you and your husband thought about going on a romantic vacation together? Maybe that would spice things up a little and give both of you a chance to communicate your feelings to one another.

I hope everything works out for the best. :hug:

[jeff30997]

129. Well...I was going to say :Just shoot Alex Trebek but...

OMG...Gee,I truly feel your pain malta blue,I'm not ,well...All I can say is..Nah,there'se nothing I can say.All I can do is give you a BIG hug like you said...:pals: I'm very sad for you but you have all my support!

[applegrove]

130. I'm really sorry.