Jealosy rears it's ugly head again....

[malta blue]

I few weeks back I posted that I was feeling a jealous and insecure over the fact that MrMB had his ex as a friend on MySpace.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=6862186

She lives in West Virginia, so I didn't really stress too hard other than my ego....

Recently she contacted me on my MySpace page:

"Hi XXX! I hope you don't find this message too intrusive. I wanted to say hello and congratulate you on your marriage! I also wanted to tell you that I feel very strongly about being faithful in a marriage, so I wanted to assure you that I have no ill intentions where your husband is concerned. I have been on the receiving end of meddling women and it's no fun. I would be honored to list you as a friend on my page if you like. If not, that is completely understandable. I just wanted you to know where I stand. You seem like a very intelligent and interesting woman. I would expect no less from a friend of XXX and a wife of XXX. If this is the last time we speak (or should I say "type") I wish you all the very best! Take care!

XXX"

So the final straw is that MrMB comes to bed last night and tells me that she has written him again to tell him that she is going to be in the Buffalo/Syracuse area next week and would like to meet with the two of us for dinner, and how far are we from there. Now, we live pretty far from that region of NY, but it just so happens that MrMB has to travel to the western part of the state once a month for business and next week is that one week a month.

He said he wasn't going to contact her, or let her know that he was in the region at the time, but I can't help but feel crappy about it.

Damn...I hate feeling this way...:mad: :mad:

[QMPMom]

1. I'm sorry she is inserting herself into your life.

I know how you feel. My DH's ex-fiance called us on *Christmas Morning* in 2003. She got the number from a good friend of his. This was after photographs of her had arrived in a Christmas card from said *friend* a few days before. He told her off, but it pretty much ruined the day.

:hug:

[malta blue]

2. I just don't know why she has to come knocking after all this

time. She hurt him badly over 15 years ago and NOW she wants to be "friends".

:mad:

[malta blue]

3. ***Update***

Mr MB has contacted her and told her that is would be inappropriate for them to meet this coming week.

How come I still feel bad though?

[AlCzervik]

4. because her behavior is completely inappropriate and ridiculous?

she really wants in imo.

[malta blue]

5. I think so too....and I don't like it one bit....

I may be flamed for this, but there are certain types of women (donning suit now) who view men from their past who are in committed relationships as something to aspire to obtain. She may see him as "marriage material" - nevermind that she crushed him like a bug all those years ago.

I think he was considering meeting her for a brief moment, if for nothing more than to learn about the dynamics of his attraction to her at that point in time, but I just felt so horrible about it, he wrote her no.

BTW - her little mood indicator in MySpace is "anxious" - last week it was "nostalgic".

I wonder how she will update it once she gets his message.

[AlCzervik]

7. this part here--

"I wanted to say hello and congratulate you on your marriage! I also wanted to tell you that I feel very strongly about being faithful in a marriage" ORYL? for one---why would she think you're remotely interested in her opinions on marriage or anything else? for 2 why is she trying to insinuate herself into your lives now? She also doesn't seem to understand boundaries at all and how inappropriate her behavior is----or maybe she does. She sounds like bad news and i wouldn't ever communicate with her again. Vampires can't enter your home unless you invite them in. Let me know what happens if you would because this woman is getting on my last nerve and i don't even know her.

[malta blue]

8. That is exactly right....I talked to my best friend about it.

She and MrMB have been good friends since 4th grade and my friend said that I should not allow this woman to enter my life under any circumstances. (And she was really pissed that the woman made reference to her in the message)...and why on earth do I care about her opinion on marriage? She really wants in - I do have half a mind to send her a myspace message myself and tell her where to go but it may be overstepping my boundaries - what do you think?

[AlCzervik]

12. i suppose you could send her something but---in one way maybe it's better

you don't respond because that would let her know you have 0 interest in her and her thoughts, if you do respond which i can totally understand you wanting to she might think "Huh! she is insecure and i got to her!".

[malta blue]

13. That is the dilemma....I want to tell her off, but then

she would know that it pissed me off. I never responded to her message to me AT ALL. I just continued doing my thing.

[midlife_mo_Jo]

14. I agree

The best way to handle this kind of person is for the partner to write back, "I'm not interested in meeting with you."

Period.

End of discussion. Nothing else from anyone.

I'd bet she thrives on drama, and any added communication will only make her "tick."

JUST IGNORE.

[MissMillie]

35. your hubby took care of this

no matter what HER behavior is, HIS behavior seems to indicate you have nothing to worry about.

Don't spend another moment thinking about her. It's not a good use of your energy.

[malta blue]

37. He says he has written he will not meet with her.

I am feeling much better about it today, and the fact that she responded that she was "sad and distressed" that he would not do it just cement in my mind that she is rather needy and looking for something....

[Lethe]

6. if this is any consolation...

i'm not a huge myspace user, (dont even have a page myself) but it seems like most people who have cartoon images of themselves on myspace aren't that good looking in real life. (at least thats my observation)

[malta blue]

10. I have seen pictures of her and she in not unattractive.

She changes her avatar all the time, apparently, and now has a picture of herself as a child up....:shrug:

[Crazy Dave]

9. It would make me miserable to worry like that all the time

Seriously, I can't put myself in that position anymore. Not since my early 20's have I worried or got jealous of my girlfriends and now my wife. It's not fair to me or her to think "what if?" or "I wonder what?"

If and when that should ever change then it's time to end the marriage in my opinion. Now that's just how I feel about things. MrsDTW can be a lot like you sometimes (no insult) worrying about little stuff like an ex girlfriend waving at me in traffic or me being in the same room as an another female sometimes but that's her problem and her getting her own blood pressure up.

[malta blue]

11. See, that is the thing.

I am not usually a jealous person, but this woman has really crawled under my skin. That is why I really hate feeling this way. I don't really understand why...

[Crazy Dave]

15. I had a few ex's like that and....

...I found out they're (anybody) is easy to get rid of if a person really wants to. My guess is he must still have a thing for her but I could be dead wrong and I know that's not good for you to hear either but it's a fact. Even the most insistent women in my past have all had buttons that I knew I could push and even when it took being rude to get my point across...the bottom line is it always worked.
With all that said it was with attractive women who had no trouble getting another guy to worship them versus a jerk like me telling them "Fuck off you stupid bitch!" but I have seen and known too many men who never get the point and never want to let a person go no matter how much of a doormat their ex makes of them.

[malta blue]

16. You may be right, although I do believe that

he is committed to our relationship and does not seek to rekindle a romance from so long ago.

[skygazer]

19. Something I've noticed about some men

And mine is like this - they find it a real ego boost to feel that someone other than their wife finds them attractive or desirable. My SO got somewhat entangled with his ex-wife about a year ago - she started calling, "just wanting to talk" and she'd call when I was at work and tell him how much her family had loved him and how they still talked about him and how he had been such a great husband, etc.

And of course he ate it up because someone was stroking his ego.

He didn't so much lie about it - I knew she'd called once or twice - but then I intercepted an email (no, I wasn't snooping - he'd sent one from my account like a dummy and she replied to it) that made it very clear that there was a lot of footsie shit going on.

And I was pissed. But I really honestly don't think he had any serious thoughts about her at all - it was all sort of fun for him, having someone make him feel so good.

I explained to him how it made me feel, and how he was essentially leading her on and how inappropriate it all was. I have no problem whatsoever with remaining friends - we're both friends with his other ex, and we're both friends with my first husband. This was different - I think she was lonely and living in the past and wanted to kind of feel him out. And he felt like King Stud or something. :eyes:

Anyway, to make a long story short, men are sometimes kind of clueless about women's motives. I don't doubt your husband is committed to you - he probably just doesn't see how manipulative this woman is.

[malta blue]

22. I don't know that he is finding it to be much of an ego boost if

he is getting a smackdown IRL. I do feel she is being QUITE manipulative in this. Now she is "distressed" on her myspace...this morning it was "anxious". and yes....my bad for being such a snoop, but hell, just last week I was posting that I felt there may be a serious rift in our marriage and he DID step up to the plate to commit once again to making it work. Now this dingbat is trying to make a place for her in our world...I don't think so....

[lildreamer316]

25. OH. I need to apologize.

Upon reading this; and now reading about your marital problems, please disregard my post below completely. DUH.

This is most certainly not the time for any of this kind of stuff between him and her, even if it is all in good faith. Your marriage comes first, and must be in good health before anything like this could even be contemplated.

So sorry, I will shut up now.

[malta blue]

33. ...

:hug:
No problem....

[Tyler Durden]

52. You nailed it...except in my own personal case.

Maybe it's the possible Asperger's Syndrome, but it matters little that ANYONE should think of me that way, even sometimes my SO.

And King Stud? Not on my menu.

But even normal guys are notoriously clueless. Paying attention to the SO's FEELINGS is an acquired taste and very handy.

[skygazer]

54. Clueless is the key word

I trust my SO - if I didn't, I wouldn't be with him. I didn't fear he was going to run off with this woman or something but I did think it was very possible that his responding to her would give her the idea that he was interested. Because it was rather obvious that she was interested and beyond just "being friends."

And while I trust him not to do anything wrong or stupid, he is clueless about women sometimes and completely misinterpreted her interest as a sort of harmless "trip down memory lane with some light flirtation."

Not all guys are clueless like that. Mine is. And when women take the subtle, clue-dropping route, he has no comprehension of what's going on. :rofl:

[IndianaJones]

17. he probably thinks he's a real cowboy,

so you gotta break that son of a bitch in two. If you wanna know something and he won't tell you, cut off one of his fingers. The little one. Then tell him his thumb's next. After that he'll tell you if he wears ladies underwear.

[malta blue]

18. ...

:spray: :rofl: :rofl:

Not was I was expecting at all...
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Link93]

23. I'm hungry...

let's go get a taco.

[Orsino]

20. This is just an impression...

...but I think this is exactly the way she should have contacted you, and contacting you was the forthright thing to do, knowing as she must that you are aware of her communication with your husband. The tone is very informal, but seems respectful, understanding and very willing to be rebuffed. Asking for a meeting with the both of you, apparently on neutral ground rather than invading your home, also comes across as both straightforward and cordial.

I don't know the history that has you feeling this way, but it might be nice to ease into a friendly-but-distant relationship.

[malta blue]

21. The history is that she is an absolute nutcase according to

my best friend who has known both MrMB and said woman for almost 30 years. Best Friend says there is no amount of therapy available to make nutjob a palatable human to me, and we have known each other for almost 20 years so she would know.

You know, I do feel rather strange about the root causes of this jealousy...her initial contact with me does seem respectful, etc., but my lack of response to her and her urgency to reconnect after 20 years is somewhat overbearing to me.

Thanks for your input and I will keep it in mind. There are alot of other factors which, when combines with this, make it all seem very undesireable to me.

[Orsino]

28. Well, heck, then...

It doesn't much matter what she wrote to you, given such a history. If your husband is agreeable to breaking off contact, that might be the safest thing to do.

[malta blue]

34. I chatted with another ex of his who is a long time friend

of my best friend as well (we just happen to live on different coasts, so we have non-mutual friends)...this woman said that the evil ex tried to worm her way into their relationship too and told me to tell DH to "GROW THE F**K UP"...:rofl:

[lildreamer316]

24. I agree with this.

I have an ex boyfriend that is a great guy. I am in a wonderful, loving marriage now, and so is he. I am interested in becoming friends with both him AND his lovely wife, who I am sure is a great person also, seeing as how she married him/he married her.
This guy was one of my best friends in my life, going past the sex and romantic part. I would be honored to be his wife's friend as well as his, again.

So I can not completely agree with other's assessment on the face of what info you have given. She seems to be better adjusted than maybe she once was, and in a better place in life, as am I. Time gives peace and perspective to everything. HOWEVER, if she is still nutty as your friend says she was....who knows.

I am so sorry this bothers you. Do what you feel is best, and really, what I say doesn't matter..what YOU feel does.

[JVS]

26. This wouldn't be a problem if people lived by the maxim that NO, WE CAN'T be friends!

[malta blue]

31. There are some people you can remain friends with

and I don't know that I would want to live with such drastic opinions, but in this case, you are RIGHT.

[Skittles]

27. KICK HER ASS ALREADY

I just don't like her

[malta blue]

32. She lives too far away....although I suppose I could travel

to where she is going to be next week and track her down....:evilgrin:

[Tyler Durden]

29. DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY YOU FEEL!

If you don't want to be this person's "friend," then that is your right.

However, it is ALSO your right to object to your SO being "buddies" with his ex. My SO feels exactly the same way, and even if my ex wanted to be buddies, and even if I accepted the concept...I WOULD RESPECT MY SO'S OPINION AND FEELINGS IN THE MATTER.

And THAT is THAT.

[malta blue]

30. Thanks Tyler Durden....

DH is obviously not going to be meeting her for dinner next week, and she is now "sad and distressed" by his decision. He did not state it as an 'I can't" he put it as "I will not", so hopefully, this will discourage her from future contact.

I am loathe to forbid him to communicate with her, it seems rather draconian to me, but I also hope that my misgivings will lead him to come to that decision on his own.

[Tyler Durden]

40. You shouldn't have to "forbid" it.

He should RESPECT your feelings and wishes on the subject.

Face it, if sensitivity were brains, you could stuff most guy's sensitivity into a chicken, and end up with a VERY dumb chicken; but YOU deserve first call on any sensitivity your SO can muster. Part of that is loyalty, and maybe if you frame some of it this way it will click.

Just make absolutely certain that ALL of your feelings and misgivings on the subject are 100% CRYSTAL CLEAR, and cannot be mis-interpreted in any way, shape, or form.

And if he doesn't get the message, there's always the "Lysistrata Option." That, or a lady's size 5 up the ass.

[malta blue]

43. That is what I am saying...I should not have to ask him to not

communicate with her...he should listen to my feelings about it and act accordingly, and I think that is what he is doing now.

Oh - and that would be a ladies' size 9...:rofl:

[Tyler Durden]

46. As was said so succinctly by someone other than me:

"DON'T MAKE ME BREAK MAH FOOT OFF IN YO' ASS!!!!!"

[malta blue]

47. ...

:spray:

I think he has finally gotten the message...he has called several time while I am here at work to tell me that I need not concern myself with the problem any longer, that he has taken care of it...

[Tyler Durden]

49. See? He got the message.

We men are like the talking jackass. We can recite the Gettysburg Address from memory, but sometimes it takes a two by four to the back of the cranium to get our attention.

[Rabrrrrrr]

36. Jealousy is a sign of lack of trust.

I guess the question is, Do you trust your husband's love and preference for you? If you do, then the jealousy is unwarranted, and he and she should be allowed to have a friendship. If you don't, then your relationship is unwarranted, and you should let him go.

[malta blue]

38. I agree with you for the most part...

there are, however, other issues in our relationship now (i.e. he had been drinking heavily) that have led me to feel that we are on shaky ground right now, so her interference is an additional stress that I do not need.

I have never been the jealous type, and am troubled by my own reaction as well.

[Rabrrrrrr]

39. Your intution might be leading you well.

I wish you the best!

[Tyler Durden]

42. I like the concept, but obviously, we ar both MALE.

This is one of those situations where the "Y" in our chromosome should mean "Y don't we just shut the fuck up and go along with the program."

Trust me. I'm 55 and it took me a LONG TIME, several failed relationships and a divorce to learn this.

[Rabrrrrrr]

44. I'm a little lost here - what does being gay have to do with it?

I'm just not getting what your point is.

[Tyler Durden]

48. Said nothing about being gay, said something about being a MALE.

We males are notorious for saying things like "Why do you feel THAT way?" when we should be saying "I totally respect the way you feel about this."

I am of the opinion that it is not incumbent on our partners to "feel" differently about something they obviously are in strong conflict with. Does it "kill" her SO to not be his ex's "Buddy?" Nope. And standing up for the "right" to associate with someone in that position is not valid if it causes pain to someone we care about.

Period.

I don't know why this is so...it just IS. And since I LIKE my SO in addition to being married to her, even if I was inclined to be "friends" with my ex, I would not do it since it would disturb her, and her reasons WHY it would disturb her are irrelevant, at least in my book.

[Rabrrrrrr]

50. Gotcha! I thought you meant "we" as in "Tyler Durden and his gay partner"

Not meaning "the two males, Rabrrrrrr and Tyler Durden".

Duh.

No wonder I was confused! :rofl:

I do understand what you are saying about respecting feelings, and that we don't need to defend, or ask someone else to defend, how we feel.

However, I do think we need also to be unwilling to cooperate with emotional blackmail. A partner telling the other partner who he/she can be friends with is part of emotional blackmail. That puts one in the position of "You either choose so and so, or you choose me". That's bullshit. I wouldn't tolerate it from my partner, and I would never demand it of her. But then, I trust my partner. (barring if the relationship with the friend is unhealthy or dangerous to one of us, such as physical abuse, using for money, taking advantage of, etc. - but then it would be a case of telling my partner something more along the lines of "I don't want you engaging in that unhealthy behavior", not "You can't be friends with that person"). If she were to have a friend that would make uncomfortable from a jealousy standpoint, then it's up to me to fix me, because jealousy is an unhealthy emotion; it would not be up to her to stop the relationship to "protect" my feelings.

Relationships are built on love, not possession.

[Tyler Durden]

51. True, but I'd say this:

Relationships that LAST are built on FRIENDSHIP.

As a guy, I would say that there is no where or nothing (WITHIN REASON)I would not do for a true friend, remembering that you'll have to go on that "drive by shooting" all by yourself, so to speak.

But the concept of the Last Relationship is so very PAINFUL to most "XX" people, that as far as I go, it isn't even on my radar to be "friends" with the ex. On the other hand, I went down the street to have a drink with a bud that she can only take in very small doses so as not to drag him by the house. This is not a big heartache for me, and he's not insulted; and after all, he's the one that has the 20 year old bourbon. The point is much more than respecting her wishes. She does not detest this person, and even if she did, she would just sort of look at me as silly for consorting with him. However, if he was an ex-boyfriend of hers, I would not even entertain the idea of any friendship with him.

To me, it's an extension of being polite and respectful, and I feel that more strongly toward my SO; theoretically, she has my best interests at heart after all.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

41. headscratch

beeing a person who also knows jalous feelings i though have some wtf moments hearing some replies here.

Either you trust your SO or you don't. The pure thought of demanding (or beeing demanded) to cut off contact to someone one chooses to have contact with is repulsive in my mind. I mean a bit of jalousy is ok but at the end it's your problem not his.

Sometimes it sounds more like one owns each other rather than just beeing with each other.

Ever occured that he could want to exact a little revenge for her treatment of him in the past ;-)

If you'd we're my SO we'd have a pretty heatet arguement if you wantet to restrict my contact..but thats just me.

anyways good luck with your relationship i wish you that this is settled quick and you can move on to more pleasurable times

[malta blue]

45. I trust him, I don't trust her as far as I can throw her....

Her mentions of my friend in her email lead me to believe that she is trying to manipulate the situation, since my friend has said that this woman was NEVER friendly toward her in the 30 years since they met.

As far as him looking for revenge....then he needs to grow up...revenge is for children who cannot accept reality (IMHO).

I am not wanting to restrict his contact myself, I am wanting him to "grow up" and consider my feelings, after all we chose to marry each other, and shouldn't your husband/wife be above an ex?

I think it is now settled since he is not going to be seeing her next week.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

53. re

i concede the point that revenge would be childish... it's still good knowing one could if one wanted.

The other point i dispute vehemently. You are above an ex. But restricting or manipulating to restrict by nagging, pouting or whatever is in my view the first step in a very wrong direction. It might start with a stupid ex but where does it end? there? the next friend you don't like? all women that your husband can find something positive to say about? I'd take it as an offense to my loyalty towards you or an offense towards my intelligence to resist manipulation. Beginning with such enclosing grips would be a sure step towards my SO becoming an ex herself. On the other hand i'd be very transparent with communications with an ex my SO would feel very uneasy with. But I would in no way tolerate a SO telling me/make me feel who i may talk to and whom i don't (for a long time at least).

Doesn't have to apply with your relationship, just be careful with wanting to restrict communications because of own insecurity.

[malta blue]

57. I don't consider my behavior as restrictive, manipulative

or possessive. As I pointed out above, we have just recommitted to our relationship, which has suffered over the last several months due to a depression on his part and his drinking. He is getting the help he needs with the depression and drinking and we are trying to move forward. Bringing this into the mix at this moment is not a good thing. Perhaps a year ago, perhaps a year from now, but at this very moment, this is the last thing that we need in our lives. He knows it as well as I do. He has made this choice with me - not for me.

[midlife_mo_Jo]

55. Go with your gut

The very fact that she tells you that you have nothing to worry about is tacky and tasteless. It's like the crap played out in junior high "I know you're jealous of me, but you don't have to be." :puke: :puke: It was not her place to bring that up. It is her place to assume and act as if you are both very secure in your relationshp, and that she respects that. This just has junior high melodrama written all over it.

If you're not a normally controlling person, but this "particular" woman makes you uncomfortable you have every right to expect that he will honor your feelings on this matter. After all I assume you aren't just sharing rent. I assume you have a commitment, and when a relationship is already somewhat rocky, that's the time for two people to do whatever they can to assure the other person of their commitment assuming that is what both want. Good friends of both sexes will support your relationship, and I'd say you have reason to believe this woman might not. If your relationship is already rocky, now is not the time to introduce this woman in your lives.

Don't feel bad about this. You have no reason to!

[malta blue]

56. I tought she was "respectful" in one way but waaay out of

line on the "I have had my fill of meddling women" crap - you are right - she needs to grow up!

Thanks for your input and support - what would I do without DU?