Things that you never ever want to hear from a first time lover?

[ohiosmith]

"Pray with me first."

[LynneSin]

1. If this is your first time 'lover' then it's probably your spouse

because if they want to pray first they sure as hell aren't doing the pre-marital oinky-boinky

[LeftyMom]

2. It's not the question, it's the really, really, really horrible timing.

"You are on birth control, right?"

Not that I know anybody who did that. :eyes:

[BlueIris]

47. Yeah, that would pretty much end the relationship and/or encounter for me right there.

And for me, it's the question itself (ignorance, misogyny, entitlement mentality).

[Name removed]

51. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[MonkeyFunk]

95. Why presume she was talking about Flvegan?

you didn't mention anybody by name or give identifying information. It could've been absolutely anybody in your past. But thanks for sharing it with everyone!

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. "Oh, wait, can you put some salve on this for me first?"

[ohiosmith]

8. :

:puke: :rofl:

[MonkeyFunk]

4. "I'll be right out....

have some sweet tea and cookies."

[YDogg]

82. heh

[krispos42]

102. "Hi, I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC..."

"Oh, sure, of course you're free to leave at any time during this interview!"

[zabet]

5. ....

Your sister was better.
:evilfrown:

[krispos42]

105. "Your sisters were better."

:evilgrin:

:rofl:

[MrCoffee]

6. "Pay me first"

[judaspriestess]

7. I smell like buttcrack

can you smell it too?

[Deja Q]

15. ..............................

:puke:

[datasuspect]

9. "let me take my protease inhibitors first"

[MrCoffee]

10. "Bring out the Gimp."

[ohiosmith]

13. ;

:rofl:

[buddhamama]

23. funny

the gimp comment wouldn't bother me,
it would depend on who was saying it.

[anarch]

11. "whoa! what the hell is that thing???"

[UncleSepp]

12. My doc says I have the virus, but I've never had an outbreak...

:banghead:

[Deja Q]

14. 'It's not you, it's me.'

5 years later, 'You will never guess who this is, but if you're interested...'

:(

[lost-in-nj]

16. ....

Can I call you mommy???


:rofl: :rofl:


lost

[ohiosmith]

19. Even if diapers are involved.

[supernova]

17. I just wanna watch the game first

:-(

[texas1928]

18. Well, that was quick.

[Parche]

Fist Time Lover

I heard this one one Craigs Fist..........Larry Craigs new site.....


"You have change for a dollar............"

:hi:

[SPKrazy]

20. is it in yet?

:spray:

[judaspriestess]

39. ............

:spank:

[Liberal Dose]

118. In? I'm done. You got a cigarette? LOL n/t

:hi:

[Omphaloskepsis]

21. Well, I had a girl tell me..

"Don't worry about the condom, I don't mind having another abortion."

flaccid ++i

[BlueIris]

50. Um...

[HEyHEY]

75. Jesus christ!

Would cry if he heard that :-(

[bluedigger]

22. "Yeah, my boyfriend owns a lot of guns."

[The Straight Story]

24. "I hope my parole officer dosen't know where we are"

:rofl:

[Fire Walk With Me]

25. "Flirty fishing really works!"

"Welcome to the Children of God!"

[JCMach1]

62. ARG! Too scary...

[Parche]

26. Hi My Name Is ohiosmith

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :hi:

[MrCoffee]

29. we have a winner!

[ohiosmith]

35. fucker

:rofl:

[taught_me_patience]

27. "You don't need a condom"

:crazy:

Sorry... safe sex is the only way.

Other's include:
"is it in yet?" (instant flaccid if you're actually in)
"abortions cost, like, $500"
"it's ok... it happens to everybody" (said after limping out)
"I love you"
"I'm cumming" (nearly always a lie. it nearly always means "hurry up")
"That's it?"
"I have herpes"

[SPKrazy]

28. oh come on, its just a little sore...

:rofl:

[matcom]

30. "Do it the way ohiosmith used to"

:scared:

[ohiosmith]

32. Bwahahaha! Matcom how you doing bro?

[matcom]

33. burried in analytics and ROI data

and loving every minute of it :D

:hi: my brother!

[ohiosmith]

34. Glad it's all good man.

:hi: peace

[cobalt1999]

31. "I'm going to marry you"

True story....she did too. :)

[mtnester]

36. You don't mind if my roomate watches do you?

actually heard that...said right to my face..totally absolutely true

Will I tell you all if I DID mind?

ANSWER - nonya



:evilgrin:

[MrCoffee]

37. i was just trying to be considerate. sheesh.

[mtnester]

38. Hee hee

I was so much younger then

[SouthoftheBorderPaul]

74. Nonya?

[asthmaticeog]

78. Nonya Bidniss.

[Orsino]

40. "Now that you know, I can't let you live." n/t

[matcom]

41. "It puts the lotion in the basket..."

:P

[JVS]

59. Awesome

[Hugin]

106. "It rubs the lotion on it's skin..."

Ah, my faith in the Lounge is restored! :)

[Mountainman]

42. I'm not really 18.

[Arugula Latte]

43. Said to a man: "Oooh, You're as handsome as Dick Cheney when you're nekkid."

[GOPisEvil]

44. "If my spouse shows up..."

[Xipe Totec]

45. Tell me about it! n/t

[hunter]

46. A lot of the Lounge thread titles work really well...

What is your boring hobby?

asking for a raise

My new office fridge under my desk comes with an instruction manual.

I'm gonna break down and get regular flea treatment

Anyone seen Carrot Top lately?

He's in his wide stance with his Hammer pants.... Oh my Gaud!

My tampon wrappers have no inspirational messages

[philosophie_en_rose]

48. Oops.

[BlueIris]

49. "You're cool with the webcam, right?"

...

"Oh. I probably should turn it off then."

...

"Should I nix the other cameras, too?"

[rug]

52. "Ignore that, it's almost healed."

[Generic Brad]

53. Take off the mask.

[LostInAnomie]

54. I think I shit the bed.

Later! {tires squealing}

[Initech]

55. "Hey, nice dress! I have one just like it!"

[SarahB]

56. To a guy: "Is it in? I can't tell. It's so tiny." nt

[Pale Blue Dot]

68. ...

:cry:

You had to remind me!

[SarahB]

90. You drive a tiny little Scion.

In other words, between that and your joke, you are probably the most secure man here. ;)

[mitchum]

57. "Then I'm going to bite your head off and lay the eggs in your neck cavity"

[JVS]

58. I put on my wizard robe and hat

[Heidi]

60. "Can we just get this over with?" (nt)

[Fire Walk With Me]

61. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court

of law."

[nickgutierrez]

63. Oh, hey, does this look infected to you? n/t

[BlueIris]

64. "I feel like I should leave money on the dresser."

[BlueIris]

65. "Are those real?"

[BlueIris]

66. "Not bad. I'm better, but you're trainable."

[av8rdave]

67. Not from a first time lover, but the words you DON'T want to hear while you're with him/her:

"Honey, I'm home!"

[MrCoffee]

69. "What do you mean, you didn't notice my Adam's apple?"

[underpants]

70. Yours is smaller than mine was

Edited Bigger to Smaller --it works on another level that way

[IndianaJones]

71. "Dad?". nt.

[XemaSab]

72. I forgot to take my zovirax today

:o

[johnnie]

73. Hurry up, my husband will be home soon

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I have heard that one.

[billyskank]

76. Donald Rumsfeld was giving the President his daily briefing

[HEyHEY]

77. "Do you respect me?"

God I hate that. It's a good sign to get far away and fast cause you're about to hit an iceberg of personal issues.

[american_typeculture]

79. "Just disregard the oozing pustules."

[Richard Steele]

80. Complete silence.

:evilfrown:

[Amaya]

81. "you're much better than my ex"

[SarahB]

92. .

:spray:

[likesmountains 52]

83. "You won't tell my wife Laura will you?"

[YDogg]

84. "I'm stinging! I'm stinging!"

:-(

[Labors of Hercules]

85. you're not allergic to duck tape, are you?

[Hugin]

86. "Did you know your ceiling needs painting?"

[Hugin]

87. "Now where did I put those clamps?"

[Hugin]

88. "The voices are saying, this is good."

[Hugin]

89. "I can hardly wait to try out my ceremonial dagger!"

[KamaAina]

91. "Oh, Dave! Oh, God, Dave!"

(my name is not Dave, obviously)

[Swede]

93. "On second thought, let's turn off the lights."

:shrug:

[Danger Mouse]

94. 'Oh god it smells awful.'

I actually said this once. :hide: :hide: :hide:

[fizzgig]

97. i'm sorry, hun

but i'm not all that surprised to hear that


:hide:

[Danger Mouse]

119. why do you say that?

are you implying i am lacking in tact?

[BlueJazz]

96. Is your immune system strong?

[BlueIris]

98. "Uh, you've done this before, haven't you?"

"Good, that makes one of us."

[sakabatou]

99. "Did I tell you about my STDs?"

[BlueIris]

100. "Get on your knees."

Some people actually think that's a suave line nowadays.

[enigmatic]

101. "after you take your clothes off, could you put on this bunny costume?"

:D

[krispos42]

103. "Can you had me a new emery board?"

"Lower, lower, left, left, right, your OTHER right, up, too much, down, down, more, right, right, left, back right, up, down a little bit, NO, NOT THERE! Man, you're way off!"

"Here, put this condom on. Wow, look at that... we can tie it off and use it again later!"

"You put the 'Extended Endurance' condom on inside-out! Now I'm numb down there from all the lidocaine!"

"Okay, if you're done... <bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz> oh, yeah, that's much better...<bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz> yeah, is is going to take a while, why don't you go pick up a pizza?"

[BlueIris]

104. "You know, you seem a little...older now than I thought you were with your bra on."

[BlueIris]

107. "Heh. Oink, oink."

[Tyler Durden]

108. "Is it IN yet?"

Ouch.

[BlueIris]

109. "Nobody does this better than me."

[unpossibles]

110. "DAD!?!?"

Sorry, that was in poor taste.


How about:

"None of my other lovers could stand me for long"

"I don't think I'm crazy!"

"We're in bat country!"

"FOOL!"

"...now where's that hammer...?"

"you're doing it wrong!!"

"So who do think is the better captain: Picard or Kirk? Because I feel that Kirk - even though he was kind of 2 dimensonal and overly dramatic, had a certain flair that Picard...."

"What is that? Is that your thingie?"

"So I belong to this website called Free Repu****..."

"Grandma! Will you bring back the lube?!?"

[BlueIris]

111. "Wait, stop, I forgot--my favorite re-run of 'Voyager' is starting right now!"

[Amaya]

112. "can I wear your panties"

[BlueIris]

113. "Hang on—I have to go find my tarantula and put him back in his cage..."

"Let him out before work this morning...he's around here somewhere...likes the couch..."

[Hugin]

114. "Okay, get going... You've got two minutes."

[EstimatedProphet]

115. "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

[krispos42]

116. "That man with the shotgun is my dad..."

"There's a tux for you in the closet, the preacher and photographer are downstairs. My mom's going to help me get into her old wedding dress, then she'll be ready to join the rest of my family in the audience. My brother, the one with the Taser, will be your best man, and he has the rings. See ya in a few!"

[FredScuttle]

117. Actual quote from a girl I hooked up with - October 2000

"So, you're voting for Bush, right?"

Needless to say, it was a short evening after that.