Post only bad advice

[MrScorpio]

- When making excuses, whine incessantly

- Don't look both ways when crossing the street. Barrel straight ahead

- Let somebody else clean up that spilled soda. If not, it'll eventually dry up

- Always freak out over small stuff

- Say thank you infrequently

- Skip the spel chekc, you've ogt a post to snd out!

[Kutjara]

1. When working with live electricity...

...always lick your fingers first.

Never signal when changing direction in your car. You'll extend the life of the bulbs enormously.

When using your cellphone, make sure to bellow at the top of your lungs.

Children thrive on sugar-rich foods. Make sure they get plenty.

Chew gum whenever possible, and never close your mouth.

When someone says "thank you," responding "uh huh" is all that's required.

What's going on inside your car is infinitely more important than what's going on outside. Don't waste your time looking out there.

[darkstar]

2. By high, sell low.

[Heidi]

3. Try the veal! (nt)

[SeattleGirl]

4. Never eat all your veggies. Who cares if children somewhere are

starving?

-Don't wipe your feet before coming into the house. Someone else will clean it up anyway.

-Forget about watching out for the other driver. Let them watch out for YOU. You're more important.

-Just barge into the front of the line. If the whiners don't like it, tough.

[Critters2]

5. Your life is infinitely fascinating to others,

so speak as loudly as possible on your cell in public places.

Cut in line at the checkout. You're important.

Traffic laws were made for people with nowhere to go--not for you!!

People who don't speak English just need you to speak more loudly.

Taxes are helping to fund a war you don't believe in. Just explain this to the IRS--they'll understand.

[lligrd]

6. Go F*** Yourself

Never made much since to me.

[UrbScotty]

7. When flying Minneapolis, be sure to use one of the MSP Airport's elegant men's rooms.

[tkmorris]

8. Always play a 2-7 off suit

[BlueIris]

9. You know best how to handle your healthcare. Even if you are not a doctor, nurse, NP, CNM, PA or

anything else requiring real schooling, training or certification. You have Google! You have WebMD! You subscribe to Prevention magazine!

[jgraz]

Toast is much better if you make it while bathing

[BlueIris]

10. After you break up with someone, be a jerk to him. It'll make it easier for him to move on.

After all, now that you are no longer sexually involved, you are no longer responsible for pretending to care about your ex's feelings.

[BlueIris]

11. Drink all the coffee in the pot. Let your wife make another if she wants more.

[jgraz]

12. Post continual threads daring Skinner to tombstone you. He loves that shit.

[BlueIris]

13. Sending thank-you cards is overkill and a waste of your precious time.

[ghostsofgiants]

14. If you ever need dating advice, I'm your go to guy.

[NanceGreggs]

15. Don't hesitate to waste twenty minutes of your life ...

... trying to squash the imaginary bug on your computer monitor.

(P.S. Anybody know how to remove a three-inch thick layer of RAID from a computer screen?)

[orleans]

16. don't brush your teeth

stay up late and don't get plenty of sleep

run with scissors

it can be fun to yell "fire" in a crowded theater

don't waste your time holding the door for someone

wednesday, play with your food

[Jamastiene]

17. Go ahead and try to get that woman to fall in love with you,

Jama. Sure, this time it'll be different. Nah, she wouldn't rip your heart out and stomp. Nah, she wouldn't, right? :eyes:

[billyskank]

19. Hah. I follow the same advice, and with the same results.

:hug:

[Jamastiene]

20. It's brutal, ain't it?

:hug: :loveya:

[billyskank]

22. To hell with 'em, Jama.

:loveya:

[Jamastiene]

23. I only wish I could finally say that.

I must be a glutton for punishment, because I seem to keep falling for the same type of woman (who never like me) over and over and over again. I always say this is the last one, but then it happens again. I wouldn't honestly be able to believe it if anything ever did change and I finally got to play for keeps.

:loveya: :hug:

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

18. When you're on the air always play lots of Lawrence Welk.

Bad enuf? :rofl:

[MrScorpio]

31. Loves me some of that A-Funky-Minnesotan

Big Pimpin' With the L-Dub!


Notorious Minnesota Pimp, Larry "L-Dub" Welk reaches for a gat to pop
some caps in a rival's azz.

[Beausoir]

70. Pssst. He's from North Dakota.

Since everybody always dumps on ND, I thought I'd point out one of the state's claims to fame.

:P

[Inchworm]

21. take my candy!

:hide:

:hi:

[Minimus]

24. Take wooden nickles.

[BlueIris]

25. Buy all of your contraception in magic shops.

Or, you know, truckstop bathrooms.

[Name removed]

26. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[BlueIris]

27. Always respond honestly to the question, "Do I look fat in these pants?"

Even if it's your twelve year old daughter asking. Or your boss.

[SKKY]

28. When your wife asks, "Does this dress make my butt look big?", you should reply...

..."No sweetie, but that extra 25 pounds doesn't help any."

[Crazy Dave]

29. If you're in court and see a good looking woman there

Ask her to go out with you after court.

True story.

[BlueIris]

30. Talk back to cops. Who do they think they are, anyway?

[wildhorses]

32. i always ask if i can

see their gun...then bat my eyes ;)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

33. blame others cos you cant get laid.

stalk people.

go to bed angry with your spouse.

[BarenakedLady]

34. Pull my finger. (n/t)

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

35. When you're involved in a traffic stop, try to give the officer the fine money immediately

Bribe? What bribe?

[YDogg]

36. eat the yellow snow

[SacredCow]

37. Practice your tap dancing in the bathroom stall

[Dr. Strange]

38. Hey, it's your receipt.

You don't need to show it to them. If they wanted to see it so bad, why did they give it to you?

[dembotoz]

39. VOTE FOR REPUBLICANS

worst i can think of

[BlueIris]

40. Don't tip. Why bother? It's not like they can do anything about it.

[regularguy]

41. Send that drunken, 3AM e-mail to your ex!

[edbermac]

42. Wash down those sleeping pills with a bottle of Scotch.

You'll rest well. :boring:

[flvegan]

43. Heed the advice of the Weston A. Price Foundation

Follow their teachings like it was a religion.

[JVS]

44. dot no i and cross no t

[Orrex]

45. Chicken bones are good for dogs

And everyone in the office loves the person who whistles along with the songs on the radio.

[BlueIris]

46. Wild animals make great pets.

[davsand]

47. Every day eat an entire loaf of white bread and a pound of bacon.

Don't forget the loaf of Velveeta to go with it!

That is a sure fire way to be slim, trim, and healthy for a long time!



Laura

[jobycom]

49. Post your darkest secrets. We won't tell. nt

[sarge43]

54. Deep fried Twinkies for dessert and wash it all down with beer.

Cardiac surgeons will circle like vultures.

[davsand]

58. We don't need no stinking Cardiac Surgeons!

Geesh. Whattaya think we are--pantywaists?

I bet Cardiac Surgeons eat the same stuff we do--and they LOVE it! I bet they even eat Miracle Whip on it too!

:puke:


Laura




Ok, I admit it, I grossed myself out with that one.

[sarge43]

81. Why grossed out? It sounds like a great breakfast,

especially after an all night boozer.

[LeftyMom]

48. Don't pay too much attention to New York cabbies, they're competent professionals who drive safely.

[underpants]

50. Trust whitey

:bounce:

[Dr. Strange]

57. Hey now!

Whitey was a pretty good kid!

[sarge43]

51. Find out what that red button on the console does. Don't worry about the people running for the door

Vote Republican.

Never unplug electrical equipment when you're repairing or adjusting it. You'll save time.

Try to please everyone.

[Shell Beau]

52. Put aluminum foil in the microwave! Works wonders!

[BlueIris]

53. Aspire to be a "fun" or "cool" parent instead of a responsible one.

Make your kid your friend. After all, who better than your child to lean on for support when you're feeling vulnerable?

[BlueIris]

55. If you only need it for a minute, take the handicapped parking space.

Like, really, what person with a disability can't wait a damn minute to get into a store or hospital or whatever?

[HamdenRice]

56. If you find yourself drunk at the pub and having to drive home ...

in order to reduce your "exposure" time to possible arrest or accident, drive as fast as you can.

[sarge43]

79. As recommended by Mel Gibson. n/t

[AllegroRondo]

59. playing music as fast as you can covers up your mistakes

because the wrong notes dont last as long.

[lost-in-nj]

60. Check your lawnmowers

gas level with a lighter....



lost

[eyepaddle]

61. Just keep it floored.

About the only advice I can think of which is universally bad!

[lost-in-nj]

62. Have your guns

filled with live rounds BEFORE you go to
the gun show



lost

[BlueIris]

63. Hook up with that guy who asked your weight before he asked for your phone number.

It'll be good for your self-esteem to go out with him.

[Rambis]

64. attend gun shows and stand in front of loaded machine guns

and if you don't die pour lemon juice and salt in the wound.

[ruiner4u]

65. Keep picking at it if you want it to go away....

[Fire Walk With Me]

66. If it looks like food, taste it.

[Rambis]

67. All the good looking prostitutes aren't cops

just ask a republican:evilgrin:

[BlueIris]

68. Buy generic drugs--cheaper and just as effective!

[Gormy Cuss]

69. Run with scissors.

By switching them around each day, front to back, then inside out, underpants are fresh enough to wear four days in a row.
Catch and prepare your own fugu.
Walk around security lines at the airport.
Wave to the cops as you break through the roadblock.

[Red State Rebel]

71. The Best Way To Clean Electrical Outlets is with Water and A Fork!

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

72. For constipation, drink Coca-Cola. Lots thereof.

:hurts:

[stuntcat]

73. trust EVERYONE

:headbang:

[sarge43]

74. For a super clean house, mix all the cleaning products

you have in a bucket. Close off tightly the room you're cleaning; the fumes will soften the dirt (paint and porcelain too). If you survive, you could possibly sell the remaining fluid to the Pentagon's Chemical Warfare Division.

[XemaSab]

91. True dat.

If the Pentagon doesn't want your bleach+ammonia, try NASA. :P

[LanternWaste]

75. After the office Christmas party...

The day after the office Christmas party, approach your boss and say, "Honestly, I had no idea she was your daughter..."

Edit to add: When someone asks how you are doing first thing in the morning, they really want to know about your bursitis flare-up.

[distantearlywarning]

76. Marry someone you have nothing in common with.

Things will always be interesting!

[zanne]

101. I hear that!

It's been 28 years of interesting

[Mutley]

77. Keep dating your exes repeatedly.

Leave the house without checking the weather.

Put off neutering your new dog or cat.

Impulsively quit your job because someone made you angry.

Charge it, and assume you'll manage to get the money for the bill by the end of the month.

Fail to tell the people you love how you feel as often as possible.

[zanne]

78. Have many varied sexual experiences when you're young.

That way, you might get venereal disease, AIDS or pregnant, but you'll never have to wonder what it would be like to have sex with somebody other than your spouse.

[havocmom]

80. Go ahead, pick your friends

nose

[Deja Q]

82. See the following article for more information:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6929231

[Gidney N Cloyd]

83. Pose nude for your boyfriend. The pix will never wind up on the web.

[Rabrrrrrr]

84. When making a cookfire, the best way to tell if it's hot enough is to lick it.

[Fire Walk With Me]

85. Click this.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6929235

[MrScorpio]

86. If you're a lesbian, become Secretary of State for a homophobic republican administration

- Wear leather soled shoes during icy days

- Pet all strange dogs

[Taverner]

87. Never use a condom

They don't work anyway.

Also, ALWAYS trust people in authority. They got there for a reason, right?

[AnotherGreenWorld]

88. When sick, go to a doctor...

[XemaSab]

89. When you're changing lanes...

....don't signal, and DEFINITELY don't look over your shoulder.

The little baby jeebus will make sure there is nobody in the lane you are trying to merge into.

Signed,

Someone who almost ate it on the Ventura Freeway today. :eyes:

[wildhorses]

90. date married men

so much fun :eyes:

[deutsey]

92. Give Bush the benefit of the doubt. n/t

[Sanity Claws]

93. Picking that scab is good for you.

[smoogatz]

94. Go with the adjustable rate mortgage.

Interest rates can't possibly go up!

[smoogatz]

95. Memo to the President

Sir:

Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and I all think now is the time to invade Iraq. It'll be a cakewalk. Chalabi thinks so, too.

Respectfully,

Dick

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

96. When Just About The Entire Country And World Know That You've Failed, Stay The Course Anyway.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

97. If You're Tryin To Quit With The Patch But Really Are Craving, Take It Off, Roll It Up And Smoke It.

[JBoy]

98. If it's not working

stay the course. If it's still not working, surge.

[sarge43]

99. Get involved in a war in Afghanistan

It's always worked well in the past.

[zabet]

100. For sanitary precautions...

boil ALL ice cubes before using. :rofl:

[BlueIris]

102. Drink tap water. And why filter? What are you...gay or something?

[Seabiscuit]

103. Never double down.

[Seabiscuit]

104. Text message your girlfriends about how you're about to make a difficult turn in heavy traffic.

[Release The Hounds]

105. Lieberman for VP

[DarkTirade]

106. Count your chickens before they hatch.

And cry over spilt milk as often as possible.

[Nevernose]

107. I read it on the Internet; it must be true! (n/t)

n/t