If you were to adopt a child

[JackBeck]

Would you want an "open adoption" where the birth mother/parents would choose the couple who would raise their child?

Or a "private adoption", where the adopted child has no idea who their biological parents are?

[mzteris]

1. delete

nevermind - too personal.

[JackBeck]

3. I'm invested as well.

Even though I didn't see your post before your delete.

PM if you want to share.

[FloridaJudy]

6. This one's personal for me, too.

I have a grandchild I'll probably never see again. Open adoption: we met them, and they seem a wonderful couple, but I don't know where they live, or what their last name is. The agency periodically sends us pictures and letters. Cute kid. If he ever wants to look us up, I'd be thrilled.

[JackBeck]

9. You are so lucky to have that contact;

There are many adopted kids that are not as fortunate.

Most of us are just trying to establish a frame of reference.

[FloridaJudy]

15. It wound up being for the best.

My son and his girlfriend really were too immature to be good parents. Two years after Matthew was adopted, his biological mother was killed in an accident. I shudder to think of my son trying to raise a child as a single parent. I know that many people do - and do it well - but it's a rough road. As I mentioned, my son is in contact with the adoptive parents via the agency - they even came to the funeral - and all of us gave a complete medical history, so at least that's not an issue.

I suspect if Matthew ever decides to meet us personally as an adult, the agency will cooperate. It's up to him and the parents who are raising him. My niece was adopted, but has never shown the least interest in tracking down her biological parents, even though my sister offered to help if that was her choice.

[Gormy Cuss]

5. Yeah, but right on the money.

Sometimes an open adoption is best. Sometimes it's not. What is important is that the adoptive parents provide a safe, nurturing place for a child. The involvement of birth parents on top of that is gravy.

[JackBeck]

2. I'm curious what the "other" votes have to say.

Not being aggro, but what does "other" mean to you?

[ruiner4u]

4. Private...

but im biased...

[JackBeck]

7. My adoption was private.

And I wish it wasn't.

It's hard for me to rationalize why my heritage is being withheld from me.

[Extend a Hand]

8. me too.

I have no medical history history either.

[ruiner4u]

13. I understand ya...

Long story short, my mom was adopted when she was two. She had a great childhood and was treated like a biological child.. She has no desire to find out who her real parents are... And I dont care to find my extended biological family...

My family are those that raised and cared for my mom..




Also, She was able to have her Doctor probe medical history files when she was carrying my sister and the amnio tested positive for cystic fibrosis...

[Skittles]

10. I dated a guy who did not know who his biological parents were

it bothered him

[JackBeck]

12. It bothers most of us.

Which is why we work so hard to make it better for any of the kids we want to raise.

[Skittles]

14. that is good to try to change things

I remember my ex's adoptive (? is that the terminology) parents discouraged him from researching and I felt that was very wrong

[CaliforniaPeggy]

11. My dear JackBeck...

I think that the open adoption option works best for the child, provided that all parties agree on the terms...

It is also the riskiest...

But if handled with the child's needs in mind, it can be the best for that child...

S/he needs to know who the biological parents are and other genetic info as well...

I'm sorry you don't know who your biological parents are...That's got to be hard...:hug:

[jobycom]

16. Private. I'm adopted, and never understood why people want to

know anything about their "birth parents." To me it's a minor footnote--it's just something I mention to my doctor when asked about my medical history. I can't even imagine thinking of any heritage other than my parents' as mine. I've met people who feel otherwise and who have tried to explain it to me, but none have been able to in a way I get.

I had two close friends who found their "birth" parents. One of them found that the woman who adopted him had been brutally raped, and his reappearance caused her tremendous pain, and she rejected him. He took it hard, turned to drugs, and died a couple years later in an accident I still think of as almost a suicide (although there's a chance he's in the witness protection program somewhere--long story). The other was welcomed by his "mother," and they got along well for a while, but within a couple of years they realized they were strangers with just one minor connection, and drifted apart. After that, he went downhill, in and out of jail. I doubt that was connected to his contact, it was probably more about him.

My sister and I have never tried to find nor cared about our birth situations. Our parents raised us, took care of us, and were the only family we had. If I think at all about it, I just feel grateful to them for giving me up, and honor their decision to move on with their lives in whatever direction they moved. They have nothing to do with me, nor I with them.

So my vote goes for "private." A clean and permanent break seems to me the only way to make the situation work.

Just my opinion--not meant to be a comment on anyone else's.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

17. private. i dont want other people's prejudices getting in the way. especially since i am gay.

if you and your husband are thinking about adopting, congratulations to you!

best of luck!

question: under private adoption can the kid later track down his/her biological 'parents'?

[jobycom]

22. It can be done, with varying degrees of difficulty or impossibility.

As I understand it (I've never searched, but this is what I've run across), state laws vary on how much information authorities are allowed or required to give out. Some depends on how you were adopted. I was adopted through Catholic Charities, and have always heard they are impossible to get information out of. On the other hand, I had two friends also adopted through CC who found their parents. As i say, I've never looked into it specifically, so I don't know the laws on it.

There are all kinds of ways to search. You can search birth records at the hospital, or at state agencies. Sometimes a person will sit across the desk from an employee with the file telling them what they want to know, but the employee can't reveal the info under penalty of law. There are of course employees who break that law in secret ways--leaving the file on the desk while they answer phones, etc. I met a woman once who found her parents exactly that way.

Then there are unofficial ways. There are websites of people looking for adoptees/parents. They will post a date, gender, and place of birth, and see if anyone is looking for them. I have to admit that even though I've never cared, I ran across one of those sites once and couldn't resist checking my birthday. :) No idea what I'd have done if I'd found someone.

Every search is different, from what I've been told. Some are easy, some impossible. Some rely on the whim of a state employee.

[BlueIris]

18. Open. But I'd be conflicted about the amount of information I'd want the bio parents

to have about my child, should the adoption become final. I'd also be conflicted about how much involvement I'd want the bio parents to have in the child's life afterward (well, before the kid was an adult and could decide for his or herself whom to involve in his/her life).

[regularguy]

19. Other.

The important thing to me is that when the child becomes an adult (18, 21, whatever), that he or she be provided with every single bit of information they want about *their* history. I remember being livid when I was in my twenties and this information was being kept from me. As to weather the bio parent(s) should have contact with the child as the child grows up, I think that it depends on the people, the circumstances, etc.

[LibertyLover]

20. Clicked other

because my husband and I did adopt our daughter internationally.

[philosophie_en_rose]

21. Other:

I don't think I'd want to adopt the child's biological family. However, I would want to share as much information as possible for the child and would try to give the child the option to reconnect in the future.

[ulysses]

23. open.

Then, that's what we did. :) Ours is pretty open - Chris' birthparents have visited us here and we'll probably get together with them either here or there again before the end of the year - but that's probably not for everybody.

[Jamastiene]

24. Well, I would fall right in the middle, I think.

I would try to work with the mother if she wanted to get progress reports along the way, but I'd make sure there was some sort of contract where the custody of the kid belonged to me and my partner. Period. I dunno if that makes enough sense or not, but that's what went through my mind when I took the poll.

Btw, :hi: