Whats the best way to ask someone if they are gay?

[Lethe]

I'm asking this question because I'm pretty sure that my new roommate is gay. I really don't care if he is straight or gay, but I think he is gay and is going out of his way to be really secretive about it because he doesn't know how I will react. This is causing him some serious inconvenience. (like having to schedule people over when i'm not around, etc) None of this is necessary, because I don't give a shit.

But if it turns out he actually isn't gay, he might be really offended if I confront him about it. (some people would be)
Basically I want to tell him I'm cool with whatever he is doing, and that he doesn't need to be secretive about it.

(that make sense?)

[Fire Walk With Me]

1. Check his stance? Listen for tapping?

Don't go for the easy joke every time?

[Fire Walk With Me]

5. On a serious note: not caring one way or the other is the best way to find out.

Give him the space to be whatever he is and he'll show you (in a good way) ;-)

There are exceptions. You could end up a part of the secret gay agenda, and never break free.

[Lethe]

7. well this is for his benefit, not mine

i dont care one way or the other, and i don't want any roommate of mine to feel like they have to hide things from me.

[Orrex]

21. That may be true, but if you ask him...

Then it will be almost impossible for him to believe it.

And if he wants to "hide things" from you, that's his business.

It sounds as though you're sincerely looking be respectful; you should respect that he'll tell you if he wants to.

[DS1]

2. if you're really sure about it

just say "None of this is necessary, because I don't give a shit."

of course, I might have just unleashed the gay police upon myself, but that's how I've handled similar situations in the past and it's been quick and easy for everyone

[Lex]

3. just mention you have some gay friends and are cool with it

and he'll probably get the idea

:shrug:

[Skittles]

10. I have found that approach works

let them know you're not a homophobic asshole and generally they'll come around; I just don't like for people to be closeted around me. :)

[Name removed]

4. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Dangerously Amused]

6. Tell him that you met some guy through an ongoing

...work / school / whatever situation, and you're pretty sure he's gay but it seems like he's trying to hide it and is going to great lengths to do so. Ask him (roommate) for advice about how to handle the situation and how to tell the work / school / whatever guy that you're cool with his sexual orientation.

[NMDemDist2]

8. "Dude, no need to keep your friends away, I don't care as long as they don't piss in the plants.

"Even if they are your lovers, makes no nevermind to me"

edit to add, you should really be asking this in the GLBT forum though.....

[Lethe]

9. yes, except my one caveat is that nothing happens on my leather couch and loveseat

they can piss in the plants, thats cool. Just not on the couches or my pet Tokey's aquarium. :D

[MrScorpio]

11. The answer is in this YouTube vid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPO4txW4FTI

[Lethe]

13. Martha Plimpton not lookin too shabby

damn, haven't seen her since the Goonies.

[jobycom]

12. Seriously, you shouldn't.

It's his business. Even if you don't give a shit, he might prefer to keep it private, and keep is activities--assuming you are even right about them--discrete. He doesn't know you that well, and doesn't know if he can trust you to keep your mouth shut. If you aren't gay, you might not be fully aware of his concerns. You might let it slip to someone you think is cool when they aren't. At least, he will be concerned that that's the case. If he's trying to keep it secret, honor that.

If you want him to get the message that you don't care, bring it up in another context. Snarl at something homophobic you hear on the radio while he's around, or comment on something making news. Talk about your politics and some of the issues you find important in a candidate. If he's got any interest in letting you into that part of his life, or if he wants your support or camaraderie or acceptance or whatever, he'll make the next move once he knows your general inclination.

Otherwise, don't push it. Don't form opinions--you admit you might be wrong. Just let it be. It's his thing to deal with, not yours.

[FloridaJudy]

17. I concur

But then snarling at homophobes is a hobby of mine.

PS: you could also invest in a "Straight - But Not Narrow" bumper-sticker.

[SacredCow]

18. Best idea so far....

No need to even put it on your car, if you don't want- Just stick it on your refrigerator with a magnet.

Props to FloridaJudy

[libnnc]

14. If he wants to tell you he will.

Don't be offended if he never does.

It's his call.

[Lethe]

15. it is

but he is going through a lot of trouble that is unnecessary.

[sanguinivorous]

16. Like the other guy said...

...just tell him it's OK to bring his friends over no matter what as long as they behave.

I wouldn't even say to him "It's OK that you're gay." even if he is. Some people might find that condescending. His first reaction to that could easily be, "What?! Like I need your fucking approval, asshole?!"

Just tell him he doesn't have to hide his friends.

[begin_within]

19. What is the best way to ask someone if they are straight?

I'm asking this question because I'm pretty sure that my new roommate is straight. I really don't care if he is straight or gay, but I think he is straight and is going out of his way to be really secretive about it because he doesn't know how I will react. This is causing him some serious inconvenience. (like having to schedule people over when i'm not around, etc) None of this is necessary, because I don't give a shit.

But if it turns out he actually isn't straight, he might be really offended if I confront him about it. (some people would be)
Basically I want to tell him I'm cool with whatever he is doing, and that he doesn't need to be secretive about it.

(that make sense?)

[Orrex]

20. just mention that you have some straight friends and are cool with it

That should do the trick.

[begin_within]

22. In fact some of my best friends ARE straight

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

[Lethe]

23. i understand your reply, but straight people arent persecuted

that is the difference. Nobody cares if you are straight.

[begin_within]

26. I honestly think he would prefer to be the one to bring it up.

There's a chance it might make him feel awkward or uncomfortable if you bring up the subject. You don't know where he is on dealing with it and what his comfort level is in talking about it. So I would wait until he brings up the subject, and when it does, then state what you have said in your original post. Or just say, "that's cool, I don't care." The fact that you didn't initiate the conversation would prove that you are truly indifferent as to what someone's orientation is. It's such a non-issue to you that you weren't even thinking about it. That would be my answer to your original post in this thread.

[Whisp]

24. why would it matter to you. let it go. n/t

[mitchum]

25. Ask him if the words "Tallulah Bankhead" mean anything to him

hell, I don't know