Relationship/Dating Advice for an Insecure, Inexperienced 22-year old?

[liberalpragmatist]

I've posted a few threads about my ongoing romantic/sexual frustration here before. I don't want to turn this into a sex thread, but I do want to ask people some honest advice.

The background is this: I'm a 22-year-old senior (male) in college; will graduate next spring, not yet sure what I'm going to be doing (just FYI - although I'm looking into study abroad opportunities as well as jobs in public health or research - I may do a masters in public health or health administration and perhaps law school or med school - not completely sure yet). In terms of relationships, I am not in one and never have been; though I've been on dates, I've never been seriously involved with a girl and I'm still a virgin. OTOH, I'm also fairly social, have a wide group of friends - most of whom aren't quite as much of a wallflower when it comes to dating and relationships as I am - and would say that I'm decently good-looking.

I'm also fairly insecure though. On one hand while I have lots of friends, there are only a handful of people I'm extremely close with; I tend to hold a lot of things fairly close to my chest. Part of the problem with me vis-a-vis girls is that, as cheesy as it sounds, I haven't really connected with anyone I've dated or flirted with in any way that made me feel this could be a relationship. There have been a few I felt that way about, but they weren't interested or weren't available.

What worries me, however, is that my dating prospects are currently nill and while I realize that things could change, in all likelihood I will not end up in a relationship with someone during the course of this year and will probably have to enter "the real world" still being utterly inexperienced in the ways of sex and relationships.

I know I shouldn't let this be the case, but I can't help but feel insecure about this. I know that it's likely that most women I date will be far more experienced sexually than I am; that itself doesn't bother me. What I worry about is more personal - I worry that people are NOT going to want to date me or get involved with me because (a) they'll assume that as a 22 or 23 or 24-year old virgin that I'm too much of a dork and (b) that they won't think any physical acts that take place will be any good.

I know I shouldn't worry, but it's difficult. I don't know how many of you have been in a similar situation; for most people, it was probably high school or early in college that they felt this way. Ironically for me, I didn't really feel that insecure about this stuff in high school or in the first half of college because while I would very much have liked to have had sex AND been in a relationship/dating someone, I also knew that quite a few people around me - including large numbers of my close friends - had not. So I didn't really feel quite as left out or abnormal. By the time you reach 22, it's unavoidable; virtually all of my peers have had sex or dated someone at least for some length of time and while plenty of them aren't having particularly randy sex lives, I still can't shake the impression that they have more "life" experience than I do. It's irrational, it's not reflective of who I am and I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.

Do you think my concerns are valid? Any advice on how to navigate the situation? I'd love encouragement, but I'd also like honesty. (For the record, I don't intend to lie to a potential partner; if they ask (or even if they don't) I'll probably let them know if it comes to that point that I haven't been with anyone before - I figure lying about it would probably make the situation far more awkward than it would otherwise be.)

[Deja Q]

1. Don't worry, it's as simple as that.

Not everybody 'did it' by age 22, there is no hurdle to jump over or get hit by.

The right person will just show up.

If not, no big deal.

Besides, many of your friends probably have cold sores on their lips or other embarrassing things. Who'd want those?

[LostinVA]

4. Cold sores or fever blisters are not STDs

And just because someone is sexually active doesn't mean they have STDs.

[dembotoz]

2. hang in there, keep yourself in play

do not retreat.
Keep doing the stuff you like to do
So when you meet someone at least you might have something in common.
Hell-if i can find someone--and i have the social skills and graces of a rabid duck...
you probably will too.

And then if you are like me-you will be missing the time you were alone....

[deadparrot]

3. Hey, I'm right there with you.

I'm 20 (female), going to be graduating from college this spring as well (in the process of graduate school applications at the moment) and haven't yet been in a really serious, long-term adult relationship. My undergraduate institution is a bit dead in terms of "things to do" (REALLY small rural community, unless you're into the frat life or freakishly religious, there's not a whole lot to do), so I really focused on academics, probably to the detriment of cultivating a relationship with someone. I didn't want anything serious for the first couple of years, but now its something I wouldn't mind in my life. Then, of course, there's the family, who doesn't make matters any easier. "Do you have a boyfriend?" And my mother, who I love dearly, seems to ask me whenever I come home from school or from some social event, "Meet any cute guys?" Sigh. Believe me, I feel your pain.

So, if you ever need to chat, I'm absolutely here. Feel free to PM me and we can commiserate, or we can do the Facebook thing. :)

[regnaD kciN]

6. Hmmm...

...do the two of you live anywhere near each other, by any chance?

(I've often thought we need a Singles/Dating sub-board here at DU. Not that I'd be eligible, but still -- shouldn't we be doing all we can to make sure the next generation is progressive? ;-) )

[deadparrot]

7. I wouldn't say no to a dating board, actually.

Though one might very well say that the Lounge serves that purpose. :)

FWIW: I'm in rural-hell-Missouri, but will probably be attending graduate school in the Northeast/mid-Atlantic next year. ;)

[LeftyMom]

9. DU groups work nicely for that

Trust me on this one. :D

[fizzgig]

14. it's called the lounge

;)

[Starbucks Anarchist]

17. Seconded.

:D

[mainegreen]

5. The older you get, the less people care about that stuff.

It's one of those self resolving things.

[WCGreen]

8. Bruce said it best...

No retreat, no surrender...

I wish I would have waited until I found Miss right instead of jumping all over the place...

But hang in there...

I had my best luck with women after I turned 25...

And the most fun...

[XemaSab]

10. Date in college

Have some flings.

Once you are out of college the opportunities will diminish. :(

[Tian Zhuangzhuang]

25. Let me second that.

You will never be surrounded by more eligible woman than in college. Now I agree my sex life has been better since then but honestly don't wait till your in the "real world" it can be a tough place for the most confident guy.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

11. I had my first serious relationship when I was in graduate school

Don't fret about what other people might think of you. Graduate school is Inexperienced Persons' Central, full of people who concentrated on their studies all through undergraduate school.

[deadparrot]

12. You have no idea how happy I am to hear that.

:)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

21. Grad school was so full of shy, awkward men that I felt like a

sophisticated woman of the world in comparison.

Hint to shy, awkward men: Learn to recognize the signals that say that a woman is interested in you.

[Tian Zhuangzhuang]

26. lydia I'm still clueless.

Usually after a woman sleeps with me and introduces me to her parents I start getting a clue. I know I am not the only man with this problem. O8)

[NewJeffCT]

13. Dude - I was you 18 years ago, when I was 22

I had friends, but kept things close to the vest... granted, a lot of my friends were D&D playing geeks, but I also had friends that were jocks and burnout types in high school as well. I did not even have a single date until my sophomore year of college and didn't even kiss a girl until a few months before my 22nd birthday. So, I was very insecure about dating, sex and women in general. I was often really depressed about the whole situation.

Some advice:
1) Stay in school as long as you can. if you think dating is tough in college as a 22 year old senior, wait until you're out in the real world and you're a 22 year old guy competing against guys in their mid to late 20s and early to mid 30s. Besides, finishing up school is a lot easier when you're there than it is going back in the future and trying to get back into the swing of things. And, I mean that from a future career perspective, not a dating one.

2) Don't change yourself to accommodate women - the women that are worth it will appreciate you for who you are and will inspire you to change, if you want. A fancy way of saying "be yourself."

3) Don't worry about dating and sex. Sounds hard to do, and it is. Things will work out if you can relax and just not be too hung up about dating. I would sometimes get so hung up on a woman after only one date that I'd freeze up and just get so damn nervous that I couldn't function. (Not sexually, functioning socially, like on a date)

4) Date as much as you can, but don't worry about 2nd dates and sex if they don't come. The more women you meet, the more likely you are to know what exactly you want in a woman. Even if it's just getting a cup of coffee, tea or hot chocolate.

Unfortunately, I didn't follow all three pieces of advice- I didn't stop worrying about dating,sex & women until I was 30, though I did have sex a few times in my 20s. I've also tried a few times to go back to get my master's, but have just not gotten into the "school" mindset and just quickly dropped it.

But, you can learn from my mistakes, young Padawan.

[DerekG]

15. If there's love, your inexperience will be inconsequential

I'm 25, and a virgin as well. I get along well with most women, but I've yet to meet one I'd actually marry. Austere fellow that I am, I've set my sights on proposal night. It's a matter of honor. (Don't ask. I may be the world's only puritanical socialist.)

My advice? Settle for nothing less than True Love; your enamored lady won't give so much as a shrug.

[Lethe]

16. don't worry about it dude

A woman that would actually be concerned about your past abilities would most likely not be someone that you would be interested in. Experience is something that can always be acquired. From what you have said, it seems like you would not be interested in the average girl, which is the only type of girl that would balk at your inexperience. Everyone in the world is different, and if you require more time to find a suitable mate, then that is admirable. In life, we shouldn't settle for the lowest common denominator, but seek what makes us the most happy, and sometimes that takes longer for some of us.

[skyblue]

18. Join a band, go to some meetup group, don't be in too much of a rush because

the divorce rate is very high and very expensive, nevertheless it's better to have kids when you're young, stay away from alcoholics, drug addicts, party chics, consider divorced people, consider how much psycho you can take.

[flvegan]

19. I have to ask...Why are you insecure?

I mean, you're a decent looking guy, going to be a college grad, possibly going to med or law school, or doing something positive with your life, you're on the decent side of the right/left line.

[Akoto]

20. Fellow 22-year-old virgin male here!

I don't stress over it. When the right person comes along, it'll happen. Contrary to what society preaches, sex isn't everything and the world doesn't end if you haven't gotten laid by a certain point. Just be yourself and enjoy the success you're having in life (which is certainly more than I've had at this point).

[rockymountaindem]

22. This is a nice thread

I'll give it a kick. Good luck out there.

[PittPoliSci]

23. hang in there.

i'm 23, graduating in december, and have had about a one year dry spell.

it's miserable, but don't stress.

there's always alcohol.
:toast:

[Downtown Hound]

24. All right, let me give you some hope

I was a virgin until I was 23. Yep. Most people that know me are very surprised when I tell them that, because I was always very social as well. I was even cool. I had cool friends and was never considered a dork. But I just wasn't interested. There were a whole host of reasons for that, but the main one was that the girls my age just didn't attract me very much.

Then I met a girl in New Orleans of all places, and it just happened. We had been out at a bar drinking and playing pool, and then we went back to her place, kissed, and she took me into her room and we did it. From there on it was all hot and heavy. We did everything you could possibly imagine over the next eight months that we were together. BDSM, her giving me head while I was driving, the mile high club on a trip back from Minnesota, sex on the beach, you name it. We didn't stay together but since then I have been with many women, and I have done probably 90% of the sexual things you can find on the internet with them. Some people are just late bloomers. When you are ready for it, your time will come.

And I know it sounds cliche and you probably don't want to hear it, but sex really isn't everything. I was still the same old person after I lost my virginity that I was before. But I did feel more like a man, cheesy as that may sound. All I'm saying is be patient. It will happen.

[liberalpragmatist]

27. Thanks everyone!

I appreciate all of your advice. I guess I also just needed a little cheering up. But in the grand scheme of things, I know I don't have that much to complain about and it'll probably happen eventually. Can't say I wish it would happen faster, but I'll try not to let it be too much of a sore point for me.

[Withywindle]

28. It'll happen for you, don't worry.

You sound like a great guy - honest, self-aware, smart, kind. It's only a matter of time - and of getting out and being social, because the more people you meet the better your chances are.

If I have any advice, it'd be this: make sure you have a lot of female friends. Not just women you're hoping for more with, but women you really just like to hang out and share interests with. That way, you really get it into your bones that women are just *people*--farting, snoring, dirty jokes and all--and you won't see them as some mysterious creatures that you don't know how to talk to. Also, female friends tend to have other female friends. :)

I've never seriously dated a man who doesn't have friends of both genders (it's a big red flag to me) and most of my serious relationships have started out just geeking out with some guy friend on indie rock or poetry or SF or what have you.

[applegrove]

29. 22 is nothing. Many people are still kids at that age and have not yet grown up.

I advise you to jump in and when you date the next girl, go a little further than what feels comfortable. Get out of your comfort zone. The good news is that either it works out or it doesn't. And when and if it doesn't work out and you go through a new form of psychic pain - and flush out your personality that way. Hurting can really grow you up fast. It changes your perspective completely. And then you have what it takes to get into relationships. Because you have lived a bit. You have a little history behind you. Think of it like drops in the rain barrel. All the good and bad things we go through give us strength. But playing it too close to home doesn't teach us much and the barrel is dry.

I'm saying look for a little pain. Highly sensitive people often take longer than their mates to get out there and play. Because you are so inexperienced you could easily fall in love with someone who you are not dating. Try it. One friends mom gave her the greatest advice. When my friend was suffering from heartbreak as a teen her mother said "good! Now you'll not wear your heart on your sleve so much and take better care of you and how you are with people". Going through pain will teach you to not be living in generalizations. You will learn to control your emotions and have a little engine in you that wants a relationship so will find one, one way or another. Your friends have that engine. You don't right now. That's okay. But it is time to get out there beyond the safety zone and live a little. Only that way will the engine come to you and your life and bring you tools to handle your emotions so they don't tie you up in a knot - but free you to be the greatest person you can be. And you'll think of yourself first and your own needs (a girlfriend) so you won't get hurt as often as you think you will and be less hesitant to stop yourself cold so often. Simply put: every bit of new experience be it positive or negative will introduce you to your adult self. And that is a great thing and a great joy when you finally get interested in your own narrative (instead of focusing on what you are missing out on all the time).

So try something new. Push out those boundaries. Time to live a little life and then listen to music or poetry when you get scratched up a little. You'll be stronger. You'll be happier. You'll be into what you need out of life rather than spending all your time worried about what you don't have.

[noamnety]

30. My advice

Don't think of women as a thing to be done or accomplished in your life, like we - as a category - are a personal goal of yours, cause that's not what we're here for, and it's not a very pleasant thing for us to be viewed in that way.

If you develop a close enough relationship with another person that you both feel comfortable in a physical way with each other, would you think less of them if they hadn't felt that way with anyone else before?