Puns!

[Archae]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.....and then it hit
me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off?
Well!!! He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with
stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number
on it.

The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes
was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully
recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in
Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

1. This is diliberative flamebait.

No puns in the lounge.

[Bucky]

2. We won't be able to deal with any more of these puns until we're all groan up.

[KamaAina]

3. A teacher was arrested at the airport

with a protractor, compass, and slide rule.

She was charged with possession of weapons of math instruction.