I just broke up with my girlfriend

[StrongBad]

:(

Going into it I was pretty convinced it was the right thing to do. We were only together 6 months and I had felt that there was no spark or further growth occuring within the relationship. I loved her (and still do) because I admired the person she is and her many positive qualities, but just feel like the relationship was missing something. In addition, she was getting much too serious for me at that point in time.

However, as I was breaking the news to her, and I saw how tore up she was and how much I was hurting her, I began thinking of all the wonderful and happy times we shared in those short 6 months. For a while I was second guessing myself and wondering if I was doing the right thing. My guess is that since something precipitated my actually going through with it I was probably right to end it right then and there. I hope I don't look back months or years from now and wonder if I made the right choice.

Anyway, time for me to regroup and be on my own for a while. I thought I'd just vent a bit to the lounge. Thanks for the opportunity to do so!

[HEyHEY]

1. Sounds like you did your best. I hope you and her are in top form again soon.

[StrongBad]

3. Thanks much. That's a good way of putting it

I hoped for the best and tried my best to make it work. Sometimes (more often than not it seems) it just isn't meant to be.

[MrScorpio]

2. Now get back up on that horse

This time find TWO girlfriends


Have fun while you're young

[StrongBad]

4. Thanks for the boost Mr. S!

Curious, how'd ya know I was (relatively) young? Psychic or something?

[MrScorpio]

5. It's kind of hard to explain

Let's say these perceptions come with added maturity

[StrongBad]

6. Or maybe it was just the cartoon character I use for my avatar and namesake??

LOL

[MrScorpio]

7. I didn't even regard the avatar

I read it all in your text

[StrongBad]

8. Nicely done!

I'm impressed!

[otherlander]

19. I kind of got that impression too...

Even though you're probably older than I am. I just kind of guessed that, though, because you said you still loved her/ respected her. And I thought, if you were an older person, and had seen how rare that was, you might have stayed with her anyway. But if it wasn't working, it wasn't working, so I can't say you didn't do the right thing.

[Seabiscuit]

22. Just curious...

I can understand "added maturity" being able to diagnose immaturty in an 18-something-year-old,

But hear me out...

Does someone who is over 60 have any "added maturity" over anyone at all?

What about over 80 and a WWII Vet?

[MrScorpio]

42. I think that it's relative

Based on experience and ability to and willingness to take responsibility for one's actions above the maturity level of another.

It's a consideration that's regardless of age.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

9. I want to make sure I understand this.

You broke up because you were happy?

"...the wonderful and happy times we shared in those short 6 months."

[AZBlue]

10. Welcome to DU!

:hi:

No, I think he broke up with her because she's not "right" for him - which doesn't mean that they couldn't have had lots of wonderful and happy times together. I've been there - it's not a right match for a serious relationship - but it's a good enough match to enjoy each other. It's a difficult but very wise thing to do - to move on so you can both meet someone who is right.

[StrongBad]

11. Exactly

She is a really cool girl and I would gladly have her as a friend after some time apart but I had a gnawing feeling that I truly wasn't head over heals in love with her and was hoping that said feeling would blossom.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. thank you --- for the welcome.

I am more confused than ever. I guess I will never get the hang of this relationship stuff.

[Liberal Lassie]

28. Happy==Unhappy--You love her, you love her not...................

From a woman's point of view, we get SO BURNED OUT on you guys! I think that you would keep her if she treated you like shit just as quick if she gave you those 6 good months. You are not looking for a girlfriend, you are looking for perfection. Are you nuts? She WANTED YOU!!! You wanted her!!! How many women and men find that? I hope you have to search many, many, MANY months to find someone else and I hope you get burned.

That said, I'm sorry to say all of this stuff. Some of us are stuck in the land
of miserable and would give a lot to find 6 months of good.

[treestar]

44. So true, as if it pops up so often that you can afford to toss it away!

Because it's uncool to be in love or something.

Maybe because it means they're not as in control? Do men seek out a woman they are not in love with, so they'll maintain the upper hand? That's how it seems sometimes.

[dropkickpa]

51. Another woman's point of view

I've been happy and had lots of fun with a lot of people, but that didn't mean I was "in love" with them OR wanted to spend my life with them (or even longer than a couple months), no mater how much affection I felt towards them.

I learned the really hard way that trying to make a reltionship be something it isn't makes both people end up hating each other and miserable. If you aren't "in love" with the person after 6 months and are not content to forego being "in love", then end it. Being content to be with someone who deosn't make you miserable just so you're not alone is pretty sad, to me.

Happy and fun does not equal love and lifelong commitment, Liberal Lassie. You seem to have been burned in the past in some way and you are taking it out on StrongBad. He's not the one that dumped you, chill out. Wishing ill on others like this really isn't cool.

[Liberal Lassie]

69. Oh, shove it.

Of course I have been burned. Who hasn't? Over something? But hurting a woman who really tried for 6 months is just A MAN. You don't deserve her.

[StrongBad]

70. Must suck thinking in black & white terms all the time

Sorry, but "trying" is not enough to sustain a relationship. Things are much more complex than that.

But I appreciate your judgements that stem from a matter of paragraphs posted on an anonymous message board.

Really, I do.

[StrongBad]

12. No I'm not happy with the relationship, that's why I ended it

I could still have respect and admiration, and even care for a person and still feel they're not quite what I'm looking for.

Plus, I do think I need to put more focus into what direction I'm taking my life at this point.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

14. I am sorry. I misquoted you.

Good luck finding the right person. It is about the journey after all.

[StrongBad]

15. No worries!

Welcome aboard, by the way!

[Tuesday Afternoon]

16. Never mind

There's the bathroom on the right. Nice to meet you.

[DarkTirade]

17. As long as you didn't break up via a text message then it's all good.

Seriously though, if you had a good reason you had a good reason. That's all there is to it. I made the mistake of forgetting my good reasons and getting back with an ex... more than once. That didn't end well.

[Seabiscuit]

18. This is the kind of OP I don't understand existing in the Lounge.

If it's really this personal, WFT are you doing talking about it on the internet?'

Don't you have a single family member? A single friend?

Seriously, dude, this is the last thing I'd ever post if it ever happened to me.

[Tafiti]

24. Easy there, killer.

If he's to post this on DU at all, The Lounge is the place to do it.

And so what if he posted something personal, why do you give a shit? It's his business. I find it pretty goddamn rude of you to call someone out and basically tell them to take their post and fuck off. Oh, you wouldn't post here if this happened to you? Great, but he's not you now is he? Perhaps you should just ignore the thread instead of being a dick for no reason.

And in any case, I've seen far more personal stuff in the Lounge. You must not come here often.

[StrongBad]

25. Um, we're anonymous aren't we?

You don't know the first thing about me, who I am, etc.

So what if I post that sort of thing here? Am I reflecting poorly on anybody including myself? How could that be?

Yeah, certainly I could call up someone IRL right now, but if I feel like expressing something over a discussion board as most nerdy folk tend to what's the big deal?

[Reterr]

30. Uh he doesn't have to be like you

This is about him not you.
He is clearly upset, why post a nasty response, just because it isn't something you would do? OMG....someone did something you wouldn't do...

Chill dude...

It doesn't do any harm and it makes him feel better.

[Connonym]

61. Hopfully you've got me on ignore because I post way more personal stuff than this

Perhaps I'm really a head case but I think it's great that we have the Lounge to give and seek support when we need it. Part of the appeal is that we are anonymous (at least to a degree) and sometimes that's easier than confiding in people closer to you.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

20. Word to the wise : If you broke up with her , stay broken up with her.

Don't come around her when you need someone to talk to. Don't come over or invite her to your place to watch a movie and cuddle. Don't call her consecutively everynight around the same time because its going to give her ideas that you want to get back together.Don't kiss her , don't mess with her mind, don't even hold her hand. I am being serious. She was getting serious because a natural nature for us females to care for someone that we are with - especially for 6 months. Sorry if I sound harsh but I have heard this so many times.

Don't get at mad at her either if she is not nice to you or if she does'nt pay you any attention. You want to move on with your life, please understand that she will do the same. Sorry again if I sound harsh.

[StrongBad]

26. You make perfect sense

n/t

[JVS]

29. What? No booty calls?

;-)

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

35. Seriously only if both parties understand that that's all it is.

Once one party starts wanting more and the other one does'nt, problems come.

[JVS]

36. What! No I promise a commited relationship but all I want to do is gratify my urges calls?

:evilgrin:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

40. you are silly lol

your avatar says it all lol.

[debbierlus]

55. That is excellent advice

[Tafiti]

21. I think you'll find you did the right thing.

Reading some of your replies, it sounds like you were in the exact same situation I was in recently. It's the worst thing to have to do to somebody, but the nagging feeling that it's just not "there" is too much to ignore.

The fact that you felt the need strongly enough to do it almost certainly means it was the right thing for you to do - even if it is sometimes hard not to consider the other person's feelings on the matter.

[StrongBad]

27. Yeah that's pretty much how I feel

Nice to know someone who has been there feels the same way. Thanks!

[Tafiti]

23. Oops.

Wrong spot.

[Reterr]

31. ...

:hug:

[StrongBad]

32. Thanks!

And double thanks for getting my back upthread :)

[Scooter24]

33. Sorry for your breakup...

I wish both of you the best.

Now how about a song? :)

[StrongBad]

74. Hehe

I better stay away from Marzipan...lest that Homestar Runner comes after me. :)

[krispos42]

34. I did the same thing about a year ago

She was a really great person. Wonderful, fun family, a zillion times better than the fuckers I got with my ex-wife. Treated me great.

But I knew she wasn't for me. :-(

I don't regret what I did, but I regret how I did it.

[Roon]

71. OMG!!11

I have been so there! I have learned the single life and have learned to accept it.

[bridgit]

37. shit happens...

[Ariana Celeste]

38. If you felt you had to do it, you had to do it.

Better to end it early on before things get too serious. It doesn't matter how long you've been together or how nicely you try to do it, break ups are going to hurt. That's life. She will pull herself together in time. A :hug: for both of you. You did the right thing.

[Pacifist Patriot]

39. Thank you for not wasting her time too.

Yes it hurts, but if you are following your instincts, better to do it sooner rather than later. I wholeheartedly agree with the person above who advises you to avoid sending mixed signals.

Personally, I think such breakups demonstrate true maturity. I am truly sorry for your pain. It still hurts even if you are the one to initiate the break.

Best wishes to both of you.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

41. I agree.

And its better that he broke up with her instead of sneaking around her back and cheating.

[treestar]

43. What is "too serious"

Women get accused of that too often. As if it's a bad thing to want love and romance. When I was young, I remember feeling that way. I would get accused of this, and it felt like an accusation.

Are you saying you just wanted to have someone to get laid with and now she wants it to be a romance?

Why don't you guys just go to hookers until you really fall in love?

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

45. That's what my ex told me ...

that I was too serious and that I was into it more than he was and he was the one who chased me ... I figured out later that he just wanted some attention and not something real.But when we broke up he thought that I would still get him affection. Wrong - it does not work like that.

You are right. Why don't guys just go to hookers until they really fall in love ?

Sometimes when you make them really feel they get scared.

And I bet if she was the one who did the breaking up, guys would'nt know how to take it.Its almost as if they don't like to feel. But yeah whatever. Romance makes no damn sense. My life was a whole lot better before I got into boys. Now I am into myself.

[Pacifist Patriot]

46. Oh I remember that feeling. It does feel like an accusation.

I once had a guy use that to break up with me and the funny part was that he was smothering me and I had told him from the outset (and repeatedly) it was just a "spring fling." It was almost surreal to hear him say such a ridiculous thing when it was time to leave for the summer break anyway. Good grief! Besides, I'd already told him not to even think about marriage because there was no way on this earth I was going to have the initials A.S.S. You'd think that might have been a clue. :)

Is it programmed in?

[MissMillie]

47. that was my gut response too

But my guess is that there are women out there who don't mind being in very casual relationships. Maybe StrongBad wants that kind of woman and his (now) ex isn't one of them.

Six months.... that's a long time to hold on to someone you're not going to be serious with. She's probably looking for commitment and stability and thought maybe she'd found it.

I get the sense that there should have been some sort of discussion, up-front, about what each of them was looking for.

[raccoon]

48. That's what I've always wondered.

"Why don't you guys just go to hookers until you really fall in love? "

[JVS]

52. Because John Law doesn't like it.

[raccoon]

53. John Law doesn't like pot smoking either, but plenty of people do it.

and some of them would say that would be why they wouldn't go to hookers.

[StrongBad]

57. Well here's what I meant by "too serious"

As I said upthread, I harbor no ill feelings to this girl but in my heart I really don't see myself with her for a long time, especially when she's looking for someone to have a very long term relationship with. So I figured that the time had come to be straight and let her know the situation.

So by too serious, I meant simply much more serious then me at the present time or what I could see in the future.

[Connonym]

62. It sounds to me that as painful as it is for both of you that you made the right decision

I don't mean this as a criticism of you so please don't take it that way but I think you did a favor in ending it. It's way less cruel to be honest and break up now than continue on knowing that you don't want the same future that she does. It's painful but now you can both move on.

[raccoon]

49. That's good you were honest. If you're sure it's not going any further, you did the best thing.

Oh, and Carolina Peridot's suggestions make very good sense.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

50. Its because I went the same thing last year ...

and I see others go through it.The word break up means break up.Its simple.

I wish both of them well.I mean no harm against the original poster but hope the girl is alright.

Sometimes I think I am in the wrong world because I care too much about the people I get into relationships with ... hmpf.

[debbierlus]

54. Better to be honest....the only advice I would give you

In this & future relationships, be honest about the reality of what a long term relationship is...rather then the ideal. Six months isn't very long, so this probably wasn't an issue with this particular relationship. But, I have met both men & women who don't seem to realize the reality of committment.

I have watched far to many people vacillate because they are seeking a fantasy rather then a long term truth.

You did the absolute right thing with your honesty. Better to do it now, then really hurt her with a committment you don't see with her. Far, far, far, far, better.

She will get over it. I had my heart shattered in a similiar way a few years back, but it ended up bringing me in a better direction. Funny thing is HE ended up contacting me numerous times in the future & I was the one telling him no. Life is strange sometimes.

[blue cat]

56. Actually

I am in the reverse situation. I got dumped after six months, said he had to think about things. Is there a chance that he may realize that he does want to be with me?

[StrongBad]

58. It's certainly possible

There are no 100% reliable rules for love and relationships so he may realize just how much he misses you. On the other hand, he may just want to be single and not see himself in a relationship at this point.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

59. You never know but I would'nt sit around waiting for his answer ...

you have a life to live.

[debbierlus]

64. The best thing to do is truly move on, a huge amount of the time they come back

And, then you may not want him!!!

My ex just dumped me without looking back. He wasn't ready for a relationship & though we got along in this soul mate kind of a way, he was so new out of a relationship with his ex wife, he wanted to sow his oats & keep looking.

So, on he went. I was devastated, but there was nothing I could do. After about three months I realized this & just worked at moving on & changing my own life. I met someone else, started a new career, & then, he called. Missed me so much. Didn't realize how hard a truly compatible & good woman is hard to find. I have had it happen before. The less you are interested, the more they pursue. But, I don't play games with it. Once I am done, I am done. Their loss.

[Withywindle]

60. Ouch.

But good for you that it was only 6 months and not 6 years.

(Bitter, me?)

[StrongBad]

65. Damn. Talk about ouch.

Sounds like you experienced something much rougher.

Hugs to you. :hug:

[Withywindle]

66. Aw, thanks.

:hug: to you too.

Similar reasons too - not that he doesn't love me or enjoy my company (he better! We lived together for five of those years!), just...something he couldn't define missing, needed to find himself, etcetera. All my friends want to smack him silly. I'm kind of too cynical to fight at this point.

It's happened before too. The 7-year-itch is very real, and it's my nemesis.

[Evoman]

63. Can I ask you something....

Did you find her physically attractive? Be honest.

[StrongBad]

68. Yeah I really do.

I wouldn't have gotten involved so deeply if I didn't have a strong physical attraction to her (maybe that sounds shallow, I hope not).

[applegrove]

67. Sorry to hear that. Help her understand if she calls out for help.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

72. I know the feeling

You are toghether with a fine lady you'd like as a friend but she loves you. I found it a very erosive feeling that i just cuoldn't respond to the emotions brought towards you. I took me over 2.5 years to reach the point you were, to give up hope for the "spark" to come. It took me long to find the right words for it.

But at the end i found them and she wasn't unhappy more than 2 weeks and we transformed it to a best friends relationship and had a better time toghether than in the relationship (which wasn't bad). Eventually she got togheter with one of my oldest friends and got very happy with him. I even envisioned both of them togheter about a year before we broke up. I'm very glad she's well and happy i could wish this girl no harm in the slightest. Seeing her beeing loved and love again puts a smile on my face.

Myself i am paying the carmic price for the crappy bf i have been and have been solitaire ever since (3 years now). I feel i deserve it. At least i'm paying the price alone and at one time fate may decide i'm worthy of love again and make the lifelines cross to a person i can love and who can love me.

I hope you won't pay as long as i do.

[Bucky]

73. Best break-up spot: The Olive Garden

But try to get a booth in a dark corner and meet on a weeknight.

If you take a girl to Olive Garden to break up, it helps her more quickly come to the conclusion that she's not losing anything special.

[StrongBad]

75. LOL

Thanks for the tip. I shall keep that in mind for future reference.