So just how in the heck

[SPKrazy]

do people come to agreement on such things as...

what holidays and when do you get to see your kids when you split?

I had a discussion and it seemed to go nowhere tonight with this.

I'm perplexed at the moment...

any ideas? I mean fair is what I am after.

:(

:shrug:

[lost-in-nj]

1. I am so sorry

I can't help you....
my kids are old enough to make thier own decisions......



lost


blu

[SPKrazy]

2. meh,

it's just something that I will have to work out, and with help from people who do know, or get paid to know I guess.

Thanks



pm

[AlCzervik]

3. when i was a kid my parents alternated holidays by years, one year we went with dad

for thanksgiving and mom for christmas, the next year it was reversed.

[NMDemDist2]

4. yup, that's the usual way n/t

[SPKrazy]

5. probably will be something like that

trying to figure it out is weird since there are grandparents, in 3 sets actually, who all want a piece of one little guy.

then of course there are parents too

thanks

:hug:

[AlCzervik]

7. well when we with my Dad for holidays we ate at my Nana's house, even when my

parents were still married we went to my Nana's house. the whole grandparent thing imo shouldn't be a huge deal, we saw our grandparents on both sides with little or no involvement of my parents.

[SoxFan]

6. That's usualy how it's done

Very often, the parties will sign an agreement that provides for alternating holidays and provisions for Mothers/Fathers Day. The every-other-year provision is usually the best option. Generally, there is a clause in the agreement that permits the parents to negotiate an alternative arrangement if circumstances dictate.

Disclaimer: Yes, I'm a lawyer, no this isn't legal advice, yadda yadda yadda, if you want any more info, it's $175 an hour.

[eyesroll]

8. A good mediator can help.

Usually, in court-imposed arrangements, and assuming both parents are competent and capable, the primary caregiver gets more placement time, for obvious reasons. This is usually, but not always, the mother. This doesn't mean dads who aren't primary caregivers are shut out. Most jurisdictions don't default to mom-gets-custody, dad-gets-every-other-weekend-plus-two-weeks-in-summer. In Wisconsin, for instance, the presumption is children deserve to see each parent as much as possible, and custody is at least in theory gender-blind. That doesn't necessarily mean 50/50, especially if the parents live more than a few minutes apart or have incompatible work schedules...and, while some kids thrive on 50/50, other kids just won't do well on 50/50 (they don't feel like they're at home in either place).

Think about how often you want to see your kids. The usual impulse is 100%. That's fine -- now think about your work/school/other commitments, what you do with your weekends, how often you'd leave your kids with a babysitter or other provider if you had them 100%, and go from there. People usually find out they don't really want to be with their kids 24/7 -- they just don't necessarily want to have to turn them over on a set schedule. Knowing your REASONS for wanting what you want, and if your ex figures out the reasons for wanting what (he? she? I didn't check your gender) wants, you can usually reach an equitable settlement. (Then, of course, think about how your kids would adjust to that schedule...there will likely be some adjustment pains, but you know your kids well and you have a pretty good idea of what they can and can't handle...if you have any doubts at all, call in a specialist. A family counselor or the counselor at your kid's school is a good place to start.)

As for holidays, many people I know write some sort of alternation plan into the agreement...in even years you get X, Y, and Z, and ex gets A, B, and C; in odd years, they switch. In practice, life gets in the way -- one of you has to work Thanksgiving so your kids go to the other even though it's not the "right year," or your ex wants to take your kids to visit their grandparents over Christmas, and even though you're entitled to Christmas day from 10 am onward, you say OK and have Christmas on New Years, or, after awhile, you become comfortable enough to both be there while the kiddos hunt for Easter eggs (adjust for your traditions here).

Good luck. It sucks, I know. :hug:

Disclaimer, if you don't have .sigs turned on: I'm a 2L. That means I'm not a lawyer. I haven't taken family law, and even if I had, I'm not a lawyer. This is personal advice, not legal advice. If you want any more info, go pay BlueDogDemocratNH $175 an hour.

[crim son]

9. Damn, I can relate to that one.

Right now I have no answers but I know one thing: that it will be settled well before the holidays, and with as much good will as possible on both sides. If it would be better for the kids I'd happily give up all holiday rights, but I think my absence would hurt. I'm thinking of doing my own Thanksgiving with the kids and some of our friends, and then they can go down to Boston and do the usual with their Oma and Dad. Or they do that first and I do it the following weekend. For Chrismas it's a bit easier (but not much) because we've always done the German Christmas (open presents in the evening) and the North American tradition (open presents in the morning). Somehow we will manage the two.

It sucks so bad, doesn't it, pawpicker?