Question for teens/parents: are my parents overdoing it?

[lightningandsnow]

I posted this somewhere else, but it would be nice to get an opinion from you guys.

I'm 16 (almost - in December, but I am very mature for my age), and I feel like my parents are overly strict, although I could be wrong. I'm a good kid - I've never drank, smoked, or done drugs, or done anything really sexual. I get good grades and am very involved in extra-curricular activities. BUT I am not allowed to go to people's houses unless their parents are home. Not just for parties, but even to just watch a movie or chill out (since social skills are hard for me to develop, this is kind of a double-whammy as I'm not given that much opportunity to develop them) . I'm not allowed to be in any situation where there is even a remote possibillity of drugs or alcohol being there. I've been told it's inappropriate for teens my age to go on one-on-one dates. I'm not allowed to stay out past sunset, unless I can get a ride home, and my parents are willing to do it. I'm not allowed to drive until I'm 18 (Although I'm very distractable so that might be realistic).

Is this normal for the parents of a 16-year-old? Or do my parents need to loosen up? If so, how can I get them to do that?

[Bennyboy]

1. I take it you are the oldest or an only child?

16 and no dates? Ridiculous. Seems to me they are really restrictive.

[lightningandsnow]

3. I'm the oldest, and

I don't think I am forbidden from dating, it's just kind of discouraged.

[SeattleGirl]

4. That's the question I was going to ask too, BennyBoy.

I am the oldest, and I had more restrictions on my at that age than my brothers and sisters did when they reached 16.

Part of it is that you ARE the oldest, and so your parents don't have previous experience in dealing with a 16 year old.

I do think they are a bit too restrictive, especially in not letting you go to another girl's house when her parents aren't home.

[JTG of the PRB]

2. Sounds kind of normal to me.

When I was in that 16-17-18 range, a lot of my friends had similar rules laid down by their parents. It's not so much that your parents don't trust YOU, it's that they don't trust the OTHER kids. I was lucky in the sense that my parents never set such rules for me because they knew I was smart enough to make the right decisions, which I did... Most of the time.

I wouldn't take it personally. They just want to keep you safe. I'm sure you have some good friends, but you never know sometimes.

[Iris]

11. yeah, especially the not going to homes where there's no adult supervision.

If I had kids, I'd make that rule mostly b/c a lot of parents didn't when I was a teenager and I know what went on when no parents were around.

[Generic Brad]

69. Doesn't sound too restrictive to me

Our kid has similar restrictions. But on the plus side we do not censor reading or video material. Take the good with the bad.

[pnwmom]

76. I was a babysitter starting when I was 12 or 13 -- no adults were around

providing supervision -- I was it.

Why couldn't a girl who is old enough to babysit also be old enough to be in her girlfriends' houses (without parents)?

[JVS]

5. "anything really sexual" This is slippery language. Back in your room until you confess!

Seriously though, your parents rules sound fine. I wasn't allowed to be at people's houses either without their parents around. So we hung around outside instead.

[lightningandsnow]

6. What I meant was...

I've kissed a couple people, but I'm not having copious amounts of sex or anything. Actually, I'm not having sex at all (and I'm sorry if that's a little too much information)

[JVS]

7. Whom did you kiss and why? Were there further plans? Do you think impure thoughts?

;-)

Just joking around. Your parents care about you and pay attention to you. Trust in them. Welcome to DU by the way

[Bennyboy]

9. Of course with parents that restrictive......

You will have to break their rules.....And that will lead to mistrust between you both. There is no way that you can go thru HS without breaking those rules. NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER.

I would try to have a talk with them and explain that you are ready to start on your way to becoming an adult and need more reponsibility. Don't make it seem as if you are being opresssed, but that is a part of your growth and that you understand their concerns.

[krispos42]

36. Too much information?

This is the Lounge! It's not too much information until the thread gets locked!

:rofl:

Have you SEEN some of the stuff here?

Hmmm... wait. On second thought, don't go looking. You might find it...

Welcome to the DU!

:hi:

[trof]

8. Totally normal.

Basically same rules for our daughter.
Don't worry.
You've got LOTS of time.

[Oeditpus Rex]

10. I'm a bit loath to bring this up, but...

are your parents religious? If so, do they belong to a particular religion that preaches strictness with offspring?

[lightningandsnow]

12. Not religious, but...

My parents are Jewish. They're pretty easygoing about it, though. (My dad is basically a closet atheist. :-P)

[Oeditpus Rex]

17. I can't speak to that

If it were some form of fundamentalism, I could understand. But I know woefully little about Judaism and parenting.

It does sound to me like they're overly strict, but then, we don't know all the dynamics involved. And, in any case, I'm quite leery about passing judgement on parents when I've never been one.

Wish I could be of more help. I read your blog and you seem like an extremely sharp young woman. :)

[Kali]

13. doesn't seem too out of line

maybe the dating thing. I don't blame anybody for the no parents around, no going over rule.

I'd probably be a LITTLE more lenient on the dating thing - on a situational basis. That seems a bit restrictive - what about groups or doubles?

None of these rules are going to kill you, they are a bit on the strict side, but not into the overly harsh. I liked the advice above to discuss having more responsibility for your social decisions on some kind of trial basis. That shows maturity and good negotiating skills.

[MissMillie]

107. well, she didn't say groups going out on dates weren't allowed

she said one-on-one isn't allowed.

I think I'm ok w/ that.

[tbyg52]

14. I definitely agree

with the not going to other people's houses unless a parent is present part!

[jberryhill]

51. That one really jumps out...

I wonder if anyone DIDN'T have that rule.

[pitohui]

68. everyone didn't have that rule, hell, i was being paid to babysit at 14!

christ i was babysitting my own sibs at 11 and was being paid as a babysitter, with customers being found thru my parent's church, by age 14

there is no way that it is normal to ALWAYS have an adult around at age 16, that is a recipe for trouble

the teen will not develop good instincts and the kinds of parents who will want to deal with this teen and "supervise" will either be the religious kooks or the perverts looking to get in her pants, bad news either way

if you don't trust your kid at 16, you won't trust her at 19, and you're going to lose your kid -- if she doesn't have the spirit to resist this, she'll be the submissive type that's easy prey for the perverts, if she does, well, there's going to be war in the home until you understand she's an adult

that's what happened w. my hubster anyhoo :shrug: his parents lost over a decade and really have only a tiny place in his life even today in his middle age because they were so controlling and no person of spirit will put up w. that shite

those i know that did put up w. that shite are submissive to extreme religions and don't have lives you'd want someone you loved to live

[GirlinContempt]

71. Parents willing to supervize a 16 year old are either molesters

or religious kooks?

[pitohui]

78. if the adult must ALWAYS be around a 16 year old, oh yeah

i'm not a girl in contempt, i'm an old lady in contempt and i can assure you that normal adults have lives other than managing teenagers

believe it or not, there is life after 40!

[GirlinContempt]

81. Not thinking all people who watch their kids are child molesters

doesn't mean I don't believe there is life after 40.

[pnwmom]

86. Being willing to supervise a sixteen years old does not mean needing to

keep her under your physical control 24 hours a day.

A sixteen year old should be MOST of the way to being able to take care of herself, because at 18 she'll be a legal adult. And the only way for a teen to learn to take care of herself is through practice -- without the parent always around.

[jberryhill]

99. ...which has nothing to do with the rule

So, when you were babysitting, you invited your other friends over, and everyone was fine with that, right?

[pnwmom]

85. I didn't. And my parents didn't. I used to babysit at that age.

I was the responsible one in the house when I was babysitting. Why would my parents not trust me to be with a girlfriend at her house?

[cobalt1999]

15. Probably as strict as I'll be with my daughters when they get to 16.

None of the rules are "overdoing it".

When I was growing up, many of the kids that did screw up in High School came from families that really didn't set boundaries.

Your parents care about you and that puts you well ahead of so many kids in this country.

[pnwmom]

87. None of them? Did you really read all the rules?

For example, the one that doesn't even allow her to spend time alone with a girlfriend at the girlfriend's house? If you trust your daughter, and you know and trust the friend and her parents, there's no reason to limit your daughter's friendships that way.

My daughter told me many times about the kids she saw at college (many of them from "traditional" families) who went wild when suddenly exposed to all the unfamiliar freedom. My daughter had been proving her responsibility to me gradually since she was in elementary school, so going to college wasn't a difficult transition for her at all.

[midlife_mo_Jo]

93. I"m on my third "senior," and none dated until their senior year

None went wild, either. They were allowed to go on dates for special events like homecoming, etc., but other than that, it was group events only. None rebelled, but it might be because they're all extremely mature, and frankly, most high school boys were just way too immature. They were mature enough to know they didn't want a boyfriend just so they could be part of the make up, break up high school drama scene. They were active in school extracurriculars, and two were even quite "popular" - not that popularity is something to strive for. Apparently, "not dating" didn't hurt them.

[Gormy Cuss]

16. I agree with Kali.

I think they're normal parental restrictions. All of their restrictions are meant to keep you out of harm's way. I would say that all are appropriate for a 15 year old, but at 16 they're not giving you enough responsibility to learn how to navigate the minefields of the teenage years. Try talking to them about being a little more lenient on whichever restriction bothers you the most. Once you show them that you can handle the responsibility, negotiate for more. I'm guessing that in the end all they really want is assurance that you can handle it.

[Midlodemocrat]

18. Totally normal. But, here's an idea.

Why not host the friends at your home? That way your mom and dad would be satisfied about the supervision and you would develop social skills.

[yellowdogintexas]

45. total solution, there. Worked for us. I was most happy to be the host Mom

the other moms knew we wouldn't let them get into trouble, or smoke, or anything and they knew they could talk about absolutely anything and I wouldn't spill the beans to the other parents (unless it were something REALLY OUT OF LINE)

My daughter ran a strict house even when they were older and in the house unsupervised between say 3 and 6 when one of us got home. We were and are the favorite parents. (on edit: this was a gang of girls, with one guy who hung out with them)

[pnwmom]

90. You're assuming her mother isn't working.

I would rather my daughter have spent time with her girlfriends than every afternoon alone in our house.

[Midlodemocrat]

105. I wasn't assuming that. I was assuming she meant getting

together with her friends in the evenings or weekends. My kids don't socialize during the week due to activities and homework.

[struggle4progress]

19. Can you talk openly to them about issues like these in a civilized and adult manner?

Try to find out what they are thinking when they make these rules? Let them know how you feel about the rules?

I'd guess that your parents love you and really just want to protect you. For example, is the rule about not being out after sundown intended to protect you from assault? Do you know how to watch out for yourself after dark? If so, can the rule be modified if you travel the streets with a group of friends?

Practice being grown-up, reliable, and rational. It's really best if you can work out mutual understandings with them, not based on what a bunch of anonymous strangers on the internet tell you.

[blockhead]

20. I think your parents need to loosen up.

you sound like a mature kid, I think your parents could show a little more trust.

[Karenina]

21. Your handle is fitting.

The parental units are operating in the keep-your-kid-safe mode without being the controllers-from-hell.

[candycom]

39. LMAO

I have to agree that they seem strict but not over bearing. She will thank them for that one day. Besides there may be other circumstances that we dont know about. Parents normally have their reasons. I'm not a parent but I know that my dad always had his reasons.

[blockhead]

70. no need to be rude.

she asked for opinions and I gave her mine. yes, I am a parent who trusts my kid until proven otherwise.

[pnwmom]

91. I think the school guidance counselor is in a better position to judge that

than any of us. I hope she talks to him or her.

My personal reaction is that keeping her from being alone even with a girlfriend is pretty extreme. In a couple of years this girl could be off at college and she needs practice in making wise decisions for herself BEFORE she gets there.

[AlCzervik]

22. imo thats normal, in all likely hook they trust you, other people---not so much.

also, you didn't come with an owners manual so in all honestly we as parents are operating without a net.

[MissMillie]

110. I was thinking that too

you can trust your kid w/o trusting their friends.

[crispini]

23. Let's see, when I was your age:

My curfew was 10 when I was 15, 11 when I was 16, midnight when I was 17.
I had my temp license at 15 and drove at 16.
I don't remember any particular rule about being over at other kids' houses regardless of whether or not their parents were home.
I was going on one-on-one dates when I was 16.

So, yeah, by my standards, I think your parents are being a tad strict. Of course, they mostly cared about me getting good grades and getting homework done, and since I did that, they were willing to cut me slack in other things.

Oh, and alcohol? My mom's European, so wine was served with dinner starting when I was 14. It's a good way to demystify alcohol, IMO -- it's just something you drink a glass of with dinner, not something you get bombed on. :D

[Lydia Leftcoast]

26. I agree with the part about alcohol

My European relatives served wine to everyone over 14 at large family gatherings, one glass per teenager. It's no fun to rebel with something that you can do in front of your extended family.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

98. Not part of a European family

But my parents allowed us to have alcohol from a very early age. When we were very young, it used to be a sip from their glasses. When we were about 10 or so, it used to be a very small portion in a glass. As we got older, the volume of liquid in the glass increased. It played a key role in ensuring that we were already exposed to alcohol by the time we were old enough to drink and were therefore not inclined to overindulge in it.

[Roon]

29. I must have been about 14

My Father and I were at an Elton John concert at red rocks and he had a cooler full of 7 and 7. He gave me little tiny drinks here and there throughout the whole show.

[DarkTirade]

24. Yes, that's a bit over the top.

The not going to friends houses with no parents there is understandable, but most of the other ones are rather silly.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

25. Those kinds of rules were typical when I was a teen

:shrug:

How about having a friend come to YOUR house if your parents are home and your friend's aren't?

That's how I worked around it.

[TK421]

27. It sounds to me like you have some smart and caring parents

most teens should be so lucky these days. Yeah, that's perfectly normal

[TK421]

28. I need to add something to this..........

you know what? before you know it, this chapter in your life will be gone COMPLETELY and you will have all the freedom you want. By this time, it's entirely up to you how you choose to use that freedom, and who knows? you may end up wanting to have that pesky protection from your parents if you ever find yourself in a situation you're sure you can't get yourself out of at that time.

It's called being a teenager...been there, done that; although I never had a rebellious phase or any shit like that....I was a very shy kid. Good luck

[otherlander]

30. Yes, but then she'll have to support herself

and won't have as much time for doing all those things.

[TK421]

31. It's called learning from experience....I know it can be tough

but sometimes thats how a person grows to be an adult. She has a brain, she has a conscience, and she has a will. I think her parents are wise in their decisions. And yeah, she'll have to support herself at some point in time, but she'll get used to it..

We all get used to it




Edited to add:

It's all about making the right decisions, but if she has to support herself at an age that is way too young by any standards, therein lies another problem.....

And I'm gonna steer clear of that one...lest this thread get locked, or something gets posted that I may regret later on...

[otherlander]

33. Yeah, but when someone's in high school

those are pretty much the last years they don't have to worry about paying bills and keeping a job, and actually have that much free time. It would be different if she wanted to use that free time to go out and get shitface drunk and high, but if she's being responsible about it, why not enjoy it while it lasts?

[TK421]

34. And here is where the parental influence steps in....

the part you mentioned about being responsible ; at sixteen years old, who's call is that? Sure, I've experimented with different drugs and smoked and had sex...no parent will stop that..but are they wrong for trying? I don't think so.

Look, this is just procedure for the parents, and I understand what it's like to be on the other side of this. Adults WELL into their twenties and thirties who attend college or take courses may or may not indulge in frat parties or the like....but it just sounds to me like her parents are genuinely concerned about her well being and want the best for her. Kind of like my parents were....

[fujiyama]

32. Most of the rules sound fairly typical

Maybe you can get your curfew extended a bit though. Negotiating is an art and I'm sure you know your parents better than anyone else as to how to do that. Good luck with that.

Maybe just to break any tension, introduce your friends to your parents. Establish the trust (sounds like you have though).

If you're 16 now, in about two years you'll be off to college and have all the freedom in the world (and eventually all the responsibility as well).

[pnwmom]

84. But that's exactly it, fujiyama.

I think responsibility is something that parents should be preparing their kids for gradually -- not keeping an iron grip on them until they're 18 and suddenly expecting them to handle freedom. My daughter knew many kids at college who went overboard with all that sudden freedom. She didn't, and I think it's because, starting at about the age of 10 when she and a girlfriend first went alone to a movie (we took them and picked them up), her father and I gave her more and more practice going out responsibly in the world. (Actually, it probably started in first grade when the moms on my street let our children walk in a group with other children to school. It was only a few blocks but to a young mother it felt like miles!)

I think the most unusual thing those parents appear to be doing is even limiting her friendships with other girls. Most of the parents I knew who worked would have preferred their daughter to be in a house with their girlfriend than in a house alone for hours.

[XemaSab]

35. Sounds really strict, but not freakish

:shrug:

[AZBlue]

37. The only one that sounds like it could be a bit restrictive is going out after sunset.

I mean, pretty much the same things can happen both before and after the sun sets. You might want to approach them and talk about that one first - just loosening up a little. Other than that, doesn't seem that restrictive really for a 16 year old.

[pnwmom]

89. You don't think they're being unusually restrictive about her friendships

with other girls?

If they trust their daughter and know and like her girlfriends, why not let her be at her friends' house without an adult present? Many parents would actually feel the opposite -- they would rather a couple of girls hang out together than have them alone in their separate houses.

[candycom]

38. Well

Maybe after you actually turn 16 they will loosen up a little, although I really wouldn't expect a whole lot. I had a curfew still my first year of college and was only allowed out of the house 3 days a week, once between sunday and thursday and on friday and saturday but I couldn't leave the house until 7 and had to be home by midnight. If i was like 2 min late my dad was in town looking for me. If it keeps getting worse, try talking to them about it. They'll have to let loose eventually, don't want you rebelling do they? LOL J/k Good luck!

[Phillycat]

40. First of all, you're 15. And yes, it's normal.

If we had more parents like yours who knew where their kids were and who they were with, the drug and teen pregnancy problem would be significantly reduced.

[Marrah_G]

41. Doesn't seem abnormal to me

Your parents are looking out for you because they love you. Take some comfort in the fact that your parents actually care what you are doing.

[Snarkturian Clone]

42. Sounds just like my parents.

You'll thank them when you're older after you see people who are still suffering consequences from mistakes they made at that age. PM me if you have any questions because your parents sound EXACTLY like mine were.

[Rabrrrrrr]

43. I think those are reasonable and excellent rules, except the dating one

I think at 15 it's okay to one-on-one date, without having to go in a group.

The not staying out past sunset sounds a little harsh, too, but I can understand their concern in wanting to make sure that you have a ride if you are out in the dark.

I think your parents rules show that they love you and care about you quite a lot. As someone else mentioned, you might try negotiating with them on one thing that bothers you the most, prove to them through a number of successes that you can handle some increased freedom, and then they might let go of some other stuff as well. And more than likely, as you get older, they would be doing that anyway.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

44. Yes and no...

I'm the parent of a teenager (13-years-old) and we don't allow her at anybody's house when there's not a parent in the building. And that includes just hanging out. And there is a house in the neighborhood (there's always one) where the parents seem to be never home and all the kids want to hang out there. Ours doesn't. As an alternative, we and some other like-minded parents are making our basement rec rooms available to kids to come and listen to music, watch movies, and play video games. It costs us a little bit (teenagers eat like locusts), but it's worth it to know that all the kids are in a safe environment.

As with the rest, a lot of parents don't like their kids seriously dating until sixteen (I'm sort of ambivalent on that one myself) and I can absolutely and totally see what they wouldn't want you out past sunset without a ride home -- you're talking about walking home in the dark, right? If that's the case, I'm totally with your parents on that ones. There's just way too many creeps in this world, and teenaged girls are their favorite target.

[lightningandsnow]

49. Walking home in the dark...

Actually, I live in a big city, so I would be taking the subway or bus home. But that's kind of understandable, I guess, since there are some sketchbags on public transit.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

52. They're just being careful...

Coeds disappear from campuses all the time, usually to wind up in a vacant lot somewhere. NEVER leave a friend's house by yourself. EVER.

And Welcome to DU!

[yellowdogintexas]

46. sounds like my parents, and I was 16 in 1965 ...my sisters had it

much easier. Of course, I lived in a teenie little town, and all my local buddies had same rules so we pretty much knew our boundaries.

[soleft]

47. Sounds old school, but reasonable

Though I don't know if it's possible to have controlled the situation - my son will be 18 in November and is in his first year of college - I would not have wanted him to be a someone's house without parents, but sometimes it happens. I would not want him somewhere where there would be drugs or alcohol, but hell, that could be school. he could stay out after dark, but we live in the city, so no rides home other than subway.

My sister checks her kids emails and watches every bite of food my nephew puts in his mouth - he's always supposed to be losing weight -

If they have rules but are not controlling every move, it seems like they're concerned, caring parents.

[woodsprite]

48. I have a 14yo daughter and I would (and her friends mom's are) just as strict.

Yes, she is my first child and that may be why and I'm an 'older' Mom. I know most of her friends are alot like her, but a few have started dating and I just don't feel comfortable about that yet. Truthfully, I started dating my husband when we were 13yo (first and only boyfriend ever). I know what we did and THAT is definitely why we're more strict now than maybe we would have been ;) We're also having issues 'letting go of the reins' a bit, but her dad and I are working on that. Remember, there is much more to worry about now as a parent than there was back then.

I wish you the best. Talk with your parents about it if you can. I know it's not easy being a teen in today's world, but it's not easy being a parent either.

[jberryhill]

50. These restrictions are not unusual.

"Is this normal"

Let's put it this way, from a 44 year old father of three adult children and two teenagers, they aren't exactly the rules I set, but aren't that far off, and some folks think of me as permissive.

With minor exceptions, they are very close to things I lived with, and I still managed to find happiness in life.

The "I am not allowed to go to people's houses unless their parents are home" was a big one for me when I was a teenageer. I don't know if that has much to do with drugs, alcohol or sex, but it's more a matter of courtesy. A lot of folks don't want their teenagers bringing others into the house when they aren't there. If anything happens to you in their home, they can be held liable for it - and I don't mean drugs, I mean slipping and falling on the steps, or any other normal accident that can happen to you in someone's house. I don't allow my kids to bring others to the house when there is no adult around, for liability reasons, and it is the same reason why I don't allow them to be at other's houses when there is no adult there either.

To give one really good example... when I was around 11 or 12 years old, a few of us went to a friend's house when his parents weren't there. He decided to take us upstairs and show us his dad's loaded gun, which his dad kept in a nightstand by the bed. Absolutely classic setup. One of my friends came into the room late, picked the gun off of the bed, and pointed it directly at my head before the others stopped him and told him it wasn't a toy. Me? I was frozen on the spot.

That same scene plays itself out regularly, with different results.

Unfortunately, a LOT of people keep unsecured firearms in their houses - that's just one example.

[halobeam]

53. I'm a parent

of a sixteen (very near to 17) yr old son.

When there aren't parents home, he isn't going there. 18 you can vote and fight in a war, which I find reprehensible, while not being allowed to drink until 21.. it doesn't add up.

16 is still very, very, VERY young. I think your parents are acting appropriately, yes it is strict, but I gather thats the norm with most parents. I do believe it's not usually your own kid, you don't trust, it's the ones you don't know very well. The girls in our area are way more aggressive than the guys, and when mixed company gatherings are happening, imo, a parent must be supervising. The stories I hear about what goes on, on busses, let alone at other parent's home (when the parents are out) are truly mind boggling.

I don't know if I agree either re: being out after sunset, except I would agree w/ it for transportation; that should be the only issue regarding walking streets, or taking mass transit vs. a safe ride home.

No parent can stop all possible exposure to drugs, sex, etc. but they will try like hell to limit it. I think life offers enough exposure to these things, at your age AND even with the limitations/restrictions your parents put on you. It's not like these things aren't around or available to you if you chose those paths, and you KNOW thats true. I tend to believe your parents are well aware of this too. Hence the restrictions, which I bet they believe is their job to protect you as best they can, and helps them to be aware of where you are at (emotionally) and where those whom you associate are at, also.

[Arkansas Granny]

54. With a few exceptions, these sound like the rules I set for my own

kids when they were your age. For the record, my kids thought I was too strict, but so many of their friends with more lenient rules got into a lot of trouble so I felt like my rules were not a bad thing. For what it's worth, our house seemed to be where everyone congregated and their friends understood that they had to abide by the same rules when they were there.

[Sequoia]

55. I'd do the same thing with my girl.

Sounds normal to me. Now go do your homework and stop thinking about boys! Seriously, you might thank them someday.

[lightningandsnow]

56. Boys?

Umm...I'm a lesbian. >.<

[Sequoia]

58. Well, I didn't get that part. Nevermind.

[lightningandsnow]

60. No problemo. :-)

[pnwmom]

92. Are your parents okay with that?

Do they know?

[lightningandsnow]

101. Yeah, they do...

They kind of found out by accident two years ago, and are finally getting adjusted to it. It took a while, though.

[carly denise pt deux]

57. I have a 16 year old

Alot of this really depends on the other kids....yes, you are a very good, and your parents are very proud of you...but what are the other kids like? That has always been behind my rules with my kid. My kid doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs and is invovled in school stuff and also works, and I am very proud of him. His friends, on the other hand,well some of them have had their issues, and I don't want my kid ending up in a bad situation because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I impose almost the same exact rules that your parents have done for you (with the exception of the driving, he just got his license), but even with him driving, he only drives to school, to a friends house (he is not to leave the friends house unless he comes home) and to work and home. In other words, he can drive but not all over town. It will take time for your parents to loosen up, but until then, remember they love you and want to keep you safe, and this is why they have the rules.
Carly

[otherlander]

61. You're not letting your son have a girlfriend?

[carly denise pt deux]

64. he just started dating a girl

he took her to a dance. They go on dates with the girl's friend and her boyfriend, and the friends boyfriend usually drives.
Carly

[otherlander]

66. Ok

I guess I just don't see how a double date is any safer than an individual date.

[MonkeyFunk]

59. Yes, it's normal

and if your parents are like mine were, they won't give a shit one way or the other what people on an internet discussion board think about it.

[Beer Snob-50]

62. from your description of yourself

i would tend to trust you enough to allow you some freedoms. if you are easily distractable, i agree with the driving ban.

and finally, i don't know what you mean by "anything really sexual" but that may make me uneasy about one on one dating.

btw, i am a parent of a 16 and 18 yo.

[Ms_Dem_Meanor]

63. What you just said is very mild compared to other kids' parents.

Your parents just want to be informed of everything that is going on in your life. Don't feel bad I'm going through the same thing with my 17 year old daughter. One reason is because she is an only child (by me), and two is because some of her friends I don't trust as far as I can spit. When you want to hang out with your friends, have their parents talk to yours. Better yet, invite them to your house to hang out. That way mom and dad get to supervise and be assured of your safety.

[pnwmom]

94. What happens when your daughter is 18 and off to college on her own?

Are you sure she'll be ready? If yes, then why can't she handle more freedom now?

If all parents followed the "only at our house" rule, then kids would never be able to get together.

[Bucky]

65. That's a good deal more restrictive than I was with my 16 year old.

I had rules like that for her at 14, but keep in mind you're their pride and treasure. Trusting a teenager to be safe in today's world is damn scary. I told her once that it wasn't that I didn't trust her; I did. I just didn't trust the situation that I thought she might be in.

I suggest that if you want them to trust you being out by yourself, you invite them along to the place that you'll be a day or week or two in advance--whether it's a friend's house or a restaurant or whatever. I bet they're more skittish than distrustful.

[pitohui]

67. definitely not normal

unfortunately there ain't much we can do about it from here

my hubby had a similar upbringing and eventually had to cut off his parents altogether in his late teens and not communicate w. them for over a decade

treating a 16 year old like a 6 year old is a recipe for disaster

[FooFootheSnoo]

72. I only have one child

She's only 5, so I haven't had to deal with any teenage stuff as a parent yet. You can take my advice or leave it. I don't think your parents are being harsh. They are a little on the strict side, but it could be much worse. It sounds like your mom and dad care about you and are trying to look out for your best interests. Try reasonably talking with them. Also, taking on extra responsibility without being asked is a GREAT way to demonstrate how mature you are.

[MissMarple]

73. Unless you are Wednesday Addams, you, most probably, are not "mature for my age".

Your parents are really not out of the mainstream. Strict, yes. I've been there. However, neurological development and depth of experience are not on your side if you think you are "mature". In three years, I believe you will have a different perspective, in ten years you will be chuckling about this. Involving your self in age appropriate activities that develop your abilities and illustrate that you are becoming mature you can put you in a position to renegotiate. One hallmark of intelligence and maturity is understanding there are many things you just don't know. And about the driving thing, they, quite reasonably, should let you drive with one of them in the car. You have had driving lessons? That can help immensely. I am the oldest of eight, you are breaking trail here. Please do so responsibly. :hug:

And as for the activity thing...you can think outside the proverbial box. Volunteering for a Habitat for Humanity, a soup kitchen on a regular basis, helping with a church nursery on Sunday... signing up for a reading tutoring program at the library....lots of things, they are out there. And as an added bonus, they can help one through that insecure phase that so many of us have struggled with.

[riderinthestorm]

74. You can get them to loosen up by demonstrating that you are responsible enough

to handle being a teen with all the attendant teen-age pressures.

Have you demonstrated to your parents that you are capable of being a responsible teen? They have to SEE this stuff themselves and then you will be allocated more freedom. Do you have a job - even babysitting into the wee hours shows you are capable of handling pressure? Great grades? Have you made an effort to have your parents get to know your friends (any of them) so they can suss out who you are hanging around with? Do you make sure you all hang out at YOUR house a LOT so your parents can see you being a responsible teen on a regular basis?

I do think your parents are being overly strict with a "good" 15/16 year old but perhaps there are mitigating circumstances that require that kind of vigilance?

[distantearlywarning]

75. I think it sounds fairly restrictive.

Those rules are much more strict than the ones I was bound by when I was 16. If I drove the car, I had to be back by midnight, 10 pm on school nights. If someone else was driving and it was the weekend, I could be out until any time I wanted(usually 2-3 am). I wasn't allowed to stay overnight at a friend's house without parents, but going over for a few hours was no big deal. The summer after I turned 16 I was allowed to go on 3-4 day camping trips with girls & boys with no adults present. Those trips were some of the best times of my life, by the way, and we actually never got up to too much trouble other than a little skinny-dipping. :-)

I went on my first "by myself" date when I was 15, but my dad drove us. I started dating a boy seriously when I just barely turned 16, and I was allowed to go out on weekend evenings with him by ourselves. We never had sex, just made out a lot. If my parents had forbidden it, it would have undoubtably turned into a "Romeo and Juliet" thing, which would have been a much unhealthier dynamic than what was there when they just let me date like a normal teenager.

My part of the bargain was that 1) I didn't get arrested, and 2) that I continued to maintain a 3.0 average or above. Both of which I lived up to.

I'm not going to say that I never did anything bad with all that freedom. But the bad I did do didn't ruin the rest of my life. Some of that stuff is now some of the best memories I have.

Something else for your parents to consider: By the time I got to college, I had already had a taste of "freedom", during a time in my life when they could have helped me and supervised me if I made mistakes. As a result, I already had a lot of the "partying" out of my system. Unlike some of the other people I knew my freshman year who spent all their time making up for the stuff their overly strict parents forbid during high school, I spent a lot of time studying and ended up with a 3.8. I could definitely see a correlation in some kids between increasing levels of parental strictness and increasing levels of unhealthy partying during college.

Also, the person I knew in high school who had the least strict parents (hippie single mom who let her two daughters do absolutely anything they wanted) never did a single drug, was a total goody-two-shoes, and ended up marrying a Mormon guy and having lots of babies. A girl I knew with extremely strict fundie parents got up to all kinds of mischief, most of which they never knew about - I know because she was my best friend. :-)

It's something to think about...

[pnwmom]

77. I'm wondering about all of the "totally normal" comments I'm reading.

I wonder how carefully they read your post.

Wanting to keep you away from alcohol, drugs and sex, that's pretty typical of thoughtful parents.

But not letting you even hang out with girlfriends without parents around -- that seems unusually restrictive to me. In fact, I'd rather my daughter have been with a girlfriend than spend hours alone in our house. And you're right -- social skills are something that need to be practiced, and you don't get much time for that in school.

But to answer your question -- your guidance counselor at school is someone you can talk to about these kinds of questions. He or she might have some ideas about how to approach your parents. Good luck! (I'm the mother of three, by the way, from 14-24.)

[Bennyboy]

Me too.....

I am a parent, I raised six kids in fact. And school was THE WORST INFLUENCE on them.

[pitohui]

79. yea i agree, i think they didn't really read the post if they think this normal EOM

,

[Phillycat]

102. Where do you think teenagers try alcohol, drugs, sex?

We did it at each other's houses - whoever's parents weren't home. Duh. :eyes:

[pnwmom]

104. Unfortunately, kids also do those things at people's houses when the parents

ARE home. Sometimes it's because the teen is very resourceful, and sometimes the parent turns a blind eye.

Kids who are bound and determined will find a way -- and often the most rebellious kids are that way because their parents are pushing too hard in the other direction. But there are plenty of trustworthy kids, too.

And, as I said above, they are all adults at 18 and they're mostly there by 16. Better to have some practice at being responsible for themselves before they're thrown into a college environment.

[Phillycat]

106. First of all, the OP is 15, not 16, no matter how much she wants to be 16.

And if you think it's just as easy to get high, get drunk, or have sex in a house where there are parents present versus a house with no supervision, then I don't know what to say to you.

When they are 18, they are responsible for themselves. Before 18, a parent is LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE for ensuring their child's well-being and safety. I submit that you are negligent if you're allowing your CHILD to make important choices which could have lifelong consequences on his/her own.

PS. I don't know if you live in Pleasantville or what, but the world is a very dangerous place in 2007.

[pnwmom]

112. I went to college when I was barely 17, and I knew people there who

were even younger. And there's a program at UW for gifted students that accepts students at the age of 14 -- and gives them the freedom of the campus. I suppose you wouldn't allow any of this either.

I submit that teens under 18 need some practice managing themselves before they suddenly begin to make all their decisions on their own.

[Phillycat]

113. I moved out of my parents' house when I was 16, and began supporting myself.

Because my parents, unlike the OP's, didn't really give a shit about me. Would have been nice to have someone around who cared whether I was alive or dead.

You have no idea what's out there for kids in this world. None.

[pnwmom]

114. It's true I only know well my segment of the world

and that's why I advised the poster to find a caring adult around her to talk to, like a counsellor at school. The rest of us can only speak from our own experience, and aren't in a position to know her or her family.

As a parent, I think the hardest challenge is striking a balance between knowing how much to protect and when to let go. Obviously, in your case your parents didn't even try, and I am truly sorry about that. I have the utmost respect for people like you who have managed to make it on their own, despite monumental challenges.

Peace.

:hug:

[Bennyboy]

124. I did it at school!

[Phillycat]

109. You know...

no matter how much you spam this thread trying to make other people think they're wrong because of your personal choices as a parent, people are going to make the choices they think are right for their kids. I personally think it's pretty awful that you allowed your kids to be off on their own making really important decisions without your input. I would describe your parenting choices as irresponsible at best, criminally negligent at worst.

And how does that feel? Having your parenting choices criticized? Makes you defensive and angry, doesn't it? But it doesn't make you change your mind about what you think is right, does it? So why do you think posting the same thing 20 different times with slightly different wording is going to change people's minds or make them feel bad about the job they did raising their kids?

[QueenOfCalifornia]

80. Yikes... I'm about to sound like a MOM!

Hi...

I do not allow my kids to go to anyones home unless there are parents there.

Mainly because I was a "almost 16 year old" once and I had ZERO supervision. I saw things that were unimaginable - And it all happened at someone's house when their parents were out. I was smart enough to NOT participate (mostly) but I did see way more than I probably needed to by the time I was 17. I did experiment with drugs but I was, for some unknown reason, unable to get behind that scene -- (BTW, I am 50, soon to be 51 and so the '70's is what I am talking about)

I graduated from college when I was 19 with a BA in behavioral psychology and I think I turned out okay but I know for a fact that several of my peers ended up in prison and my best friend died when she was 22.

Perhaps your parents are close to my age? Maybe they have seen things they want to spare you? Maybe, just maybe they love you more than you know and they never want anything bad to happen to you... They are trying to do what they can to make sure you get to go to college and have a beautiful future...

You are only 15 (soon to be 16) -- I know you feel suffocated at times but this will be behind you before you know it.

Go give your Mom and Dad a kiss and a hug and be happy to have parents who watch over you and love you.

That is my 2¢ worth of advice...

Peace.

[otherlander]

119. Be happy

Be happy
Be happy
Be happy
Be happy

You know, I think that's the worst of it, worse than any of the rules, is being constantly told that you should be happy about it. It would be better, I think, if someone actually came out and said, "Of course this will make you miserable. So what?"

[madrchsod]

82. well someday you may thank your parents

for doing what they are doing. show them that you and your friends are responsible teenagers,have your friends over to your house as much as possible to show them your friends are responsible and they just may lighten up a bit. they love you very much and they want no harm to come to you..when you get older you`ll thank them..i`m an old man and i still thank my parents( in spirit) that they raised me the way i am...good luck!

[mentalsolstice]

83. Even in the afternoon?

My parents were pretty liberal, but we're talking small-town in the late 70s. Your parents' restrictions seem reasonable for nights and weekends. However, perhaps they could give you a little leeway in the afternoons after school...to go over to a friend's house to study or just simply be with peers. During weekdays it's a little unreasonable to expect adults to be home before 5 pm.

Things have changed a lot over the years, but teens need to regularly debrief with each other in order to grow into responsible adults.

BTW, I know too many helicopter parents!

[pnwmom]

95. Speaking of helicopter parents

at one private school that I know about some parents have been lobbying for nanny-cams in the high school classrooms. Yikes!

[QueenOfCalifornia]

97. I dropped

acid at a friends house in 1973 in the afternoon - no parents there... Is there some secret thing about being good in the daylight?

I love my kids and never want them to feel the way I did.

I had, as i said above... ZERO supervision.

It is due to me being a little more rational than most kids at that time, that I didn't end up, as a bunch of my friends did, in jail, halfway houses or dead.

I also resent the description of a caring parent to be a "helicopter parent."

I wish I had a parent who wondered where I was at 10:30 PM.... or 2:30 AM.....

[legally blonde]

88. my parents were the same way when I was your age

I am the oldest of three girls and my parents are very protective of us. At the time, it was a total drag - I couldn't have fun with my friends on Saturday night because I had to be home by 10.

I'm 28 and have complete freedom (and live 3 hours away from my parents), but I sometimes wish that I didn't have so much responsibility. I can do what I want and come home (or not) whenever I feel like it, but I also have to pay the bills and go to work.

Looking back, I'm glad that my parents set so many boundaries - even though I was responsible, I made a lot of mistakes that could have been much worse without my parents looking over my shoulder every step of the way.

[Downtown Hound]

96. I think so

But then again, I also smoked pot, dropped acid, did mushrooms and even speed a few times when I was your age. So maybe I'm not the best one to ask.

[Common Sense Party]

100. No they're not overdoing it.

They're definitely protective, but I would expect no less in an asperger's situation.

I think that they want to make sure no one takes advantage of you in any (not just sexual) way.

Let me just say that I wish my parents had been more strict with me, more concerned with where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing. I would have avoided a lot of STUPID decisions that could have been disastrous, had I not been incredibly lucky.

[philosophie_en_rose]

103. I suggest you offer your parents some alternatives.

My parents let us do whatever we like, but controlled us with their powers of nagging and guilt. :)

My suggestion to you is that you think of ways that you can reassure your parents, while getting out socially. For instance, invite people to your house for a party. Your parents can generally keep out of your way, but be there to see that everything is fine. Then, maybe they'd realize that they can change the rules for you.

[MissMillie]

108. Under what circumstances do you think...

it would be okay for you to be alone at someone else's house w/o supervision?

Under what circumstances do you think it would be okay for you to be alone in a room w/ a potential romantic partner?

Under what circumstances do you think it would be okay for you to be walking outside alone after dark?


I guess I can see where you'd find that the rules seem controlling, because you're growing up and you want to make your own decisions for yourself.

But if you didn't make the decisions to behave in this manner, I'd seriously question whether or not you're grown up enough to make decisions for yourself.

These rules are common sense.

[Mutley]

111. I think your parents are being far too strict.

If you were twelve, that might be different. But you're nearing adulthood, and they need to let you out in the world so you can learn how to make your own choices. You're going to go to college, or move out, and you will have absolutely no idea how to handle it.

On the other hand, we've only heard your side of the story. Could there be a reason why your parents don't think you're capable of handling yourself without such strict supervision?

[AirmensMom]

115. I don't think I'm the one you want to ask.

:hide:

We were very protective of our kids. We didn't let them ride with other kids ... which ended up being a good thing when the ex-boyfriend of one of them had a bad accident that killed 5 people in his car and paralyzed another one. Our daughter thanked us for that rule. Dates were usually school functions or parties where parents were present. We didn't buy them a car or let them get their licenses at the age of 16. We did drive them to work and back so they could earn enough money to buy their own cars and their own insurance policies when they turned 18. I don't know if all our rules were necessary or good, but that's the way it was.

It's a hard time for kids and parents. I'm so glad we made it through safely. You might not see it now, but your parents are only watching out for your welfare. They really aren't trying to make your life miserable.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

116. That sounds strict to me.

Although normal.

It'd be also normal for kids your age to just tell your parents to go to hell and go over to your friends house whenever you feel like it. And I wouldn't fault you for it either.

[coffeenap]

117. Hi Aspiegirl. No one has mentioned the Aspie aspect of all this.

I know a kid who is not aspie, but does have a completely different perspective on social interaction than most of the rest of the known world, lol. He needed longer to be given freedoms just because some dangers and even just plain normal coping stuff wasn't part of his consciousness. Is your aspie-ness a possible contributor to their protectiveness? I am not saying it excuses any shortcomings on their behalf, but it could be a contributing factor. Just a thought. Best wishes.

[lightningandsnow]

118. I'm not officially diagnosed...

But I am pretty sure I have AS. (My parents don't know because if my mom hears "Autism", she'll probably freak out.). But they do know my social skills are kind of lacking for somebody my age.

[TrogL]

120. If they've spotted this...

...then they probably don't want you getting in over your head. In a teen social situation, you can get out-socialized really quickly. Been there, done that. You get talked into doing stuff you wouldn't normally do because the socializers will tell you that you have to do it to "fit in", whether it's the truth or not. They're like vampires - they feed off you.

[otherlander]

121. Oh, please.

I'm pretty much the most socially awkward person in my school, and there's no way my classmates could talk me into doing anything. After seeing how they treat other people, I wear their rejection as a mark of pride. It says: I am not one of them, not one of those cruel, vampire-like people.

[TrogL]

122. You've come to grips with it

Not everybody has

[otherlander]

123. Ok, but to tell somebody

"if someone says x to you, you will do y" seems kind of dumb. First of all, what do you base that on? Fifty posts made by a stranger on the internet? Second of all, imagine if a coworker told you she was going to a party, and you said, "Oh, you're going to get drunk out of your mind and some creepy guy is going to talk you into sleeping with him." Your coworker would probably find that rude, because you were telling her what decisions she would make. Just because the person in this instance happens to be younger doesn't make you any more qualified to say what will happen.

[Westegg]

125. If my kids, when they are 16, do what I did...

...when I was 16, I will flip out. I will NOT be pleased. And I will try to stop them. That's a double standard, obviously. So be it. Having said that, I was 16 in the '70s, and those were different times. And I was much, MUCH worse than you are in the bad behavior department. Frankly, I can look back now and see that I am lucky to be alive. Oh, by the way: I was a teen boy, you are a teen girl. Okay, that goes DOUBLE for teen girls. Sorry.

Having said that, I do think a teen like you should be able to earn respect and trust from parents based on a consistent exhibition of good/smart/healthy/sane behavior over time. Because some of the craziest, most dangerous behavior I ever witnessed from others I knew as my life went on into my 20s and 30s was from people who'd been so strictly raised and regimented as teens that they spent their young adult lives in full rebellion from the strictures of their youth. With sometimes horrible results.

A healthy balance is what parents need to have. (Easier said than done, I know!) You sound like a good kid. Stay safe.

[ileus]

126. Ask my brother how that worked out with his daughter...

She just hatched out her second kid last week at the ripe old age of 23 (she planned the second one)the first come along at 21 and she's been forced to drop out of college. She works two jobs, her boyfriend works also, both have dead end jobs.

My SIL was the same as your parents....being over protective gets you nowhere. As far as drugs and alcohol are concerned you should be mature enough to remove yourself from situations of that nature, however.com one must learn these skills (sooner than later)