Given everything that I've been complaining about openly today...

[Writer]

about my life, I just need to know one thing, especially from those of you who are older and wiser: What could I be doing differently? Better? To help myself? I'm not trying to be dramatic or rhetorical, I'd just like to know if there are any steps I'm missing? What can I do to place myself in state where I'm enjoying and appreciating what I have?

Will someone please be a friend to me? I promise a hug and a kiss back. :)

~Writer~

[Sugar Smack]

1. Huggums & kissums.

I've been reading GD stuff so I don't really know what's going on currently with you. I DO know that you're one of my favorite posters ever. I come bearing "thanks for being so CUUUUTE" vibes.

:hug: :*

[Writer]

2. Oh well that's so sweet, Sugar Smackers!

If you haven't already read about it, then I don't want to burden you. You're always filled with so much love. I lack a lot of wisdom in my life, and have for many, many years. That's why I'm asking these questions.

But you get more than a hug and a kiss :hug: :*... you get some love! :loveya:

Thanks for being such a great person.

~Writer~

[Sugar Smack]

3. Eh, you. It could be so much worse!

You could be a twin conjoined at the head.
You could be stuck in a pipe.
You could be drinking barium.

:loveya: :yourock: Thanks for the good feelings, m'dear.

[Writer]

4. Yeah... I tell myself that I eat and have shelter.

Which is more than many people in the world!

You deserve many good feelings. You're always so sweet. :)

[Writer]

5. Kick

I could use a bit of kind words right now.

[SteppingRazor]

6. Depends how old you are.

What you should be doing and where you should be at varies with the stage of your life.

[Writer]

8. I'm 32... but I'm really not sure. Where should I be?

Edit to add: :hug: :*

[SteppingRazor]

12. Well, I'm neither older nor wiser, but...

I'd say that if you plan to make a living writing for the rest of your days, then you should be sucking the marrow out of life while you're still young and able, to borrow a phrase from Thoreau. The old saying that you should write about what you know is very, very true (it's why so many sci-fi and Western books are total hackery -- tough to write about places and times you've never experienced for yourself), so you should pull in as much visceral experience as you can before you hit middle age and start wearing down. Go run with the bulls, or canoe down the Amazon or something.

Anyway, that's my advice, for what it's worth, which is probably very little. :)

[Writer]

13. No, actually that is worth a lot.

Thank you!

Maybe my problem is that I'm focusing on too much at once - that in my desperation to have something work, I'm spreading my attention thin. I'm actually "working" (unpaid) in politics at the moment, and I'm also applying to a doctoral program (not in writing, of course - in media studies.) So I haven't committed as much time to writing as I should be. I have diverse interests.

Well, anyway, here's another hug and kiss for you: :hug: :*

[SteppingRazor]

15. I think working on a campaign is, in its own way, a great experience to have.

So, even if you're not writing, you're getting valuable experience for when you write the best political book since All the President's Men. :)

[Writer]

17. Hehe. That's very true.

I'm not sure what's going to become of that in the near future, but it's one of those "chances" I'm giving myself as I try to reformat my life. Along with the other things I mentioned, including writing. :) I wish I had more faith in my hard work and that what I'm doing will lead me somewhere.

:hug: :*

[Tyler Durden]

7. Don't sweat the small stuff, kiddo.

And it's ALL small stuff!

Your friend...

[Writer]

9. I appreciate that. I really do. :)

However, I am not able to see my inability to get anything going in my life over the last few years as "small stuff." It used to be small, but as time passes I'm finding that I've been ineffective in transforming my life into something productive. This is why I'm asking these questions: could I be doing more? Doing something differently?

And I am asking in DU because I am alone. I have no one, other than my husband, to talk about this.

Edit to add: :hug: :*

[hunter]

10. I'm older, but not wiser, that's for sure.

Some days I wreck, some days I muddle through, but every so often I have a good day, and that makes it all very much worth it.

:hug:

[Writer]

11. Well that's nice!

And what in your life helps you to attain that perspective; or, what have you created in your life that enables that perspective? I hope this question makes sense. :)

:hug: :*

[hunter]

32. I'm a very flawed character in a story I'm writing.

It's hard to explain. I used to be a compulsive perfectionist about some things, and entirely oblivious to other things. I used to look at the things I've built, the things I've written, computer code, etc., and wince at all the flaws. Now I try to see the flaws as a sort of personality, a reflection of my own personality. If the things I built were perfect then they wouldn't reflect me-- they would belong to someone else.

I used to have a job in medicine that demanded perfection, the sort of job where if I was not perfect people could die. I was good at it, nobody died. But even then, people with such jobs do make mistakes, have bad days, and somebody dies. And nobody is perfect, which means in a perfect world nobody in their right mind would accept the job that requires this kind of perfection, and everyone would be worse off for that. So you make a leap of faith, and you say to yourself, "in this job I am not perfect but I am still making the world a better place than it would be without me."

In my life I try to do the same thing as it relates to my happiness. I can do some home improvement, or write some computer code, and when it's done I see every last flaw, flaws that nobody else sees except someone who is very familiar with that sort of work. It used to bother me a lot to see these flaws and I wasted a lot of time striving for perfection. In the very same way I could beat myself up because I wasn't putting myself in a place where I could be happy, and I wasn't seeing the huge flaws in myself that other people saw, especially as it relates to my mental health issues.

But then I started looking at the things I'd made as if they had some sort of personality. It was the minor flaws that gave these things personality. After that I began to allow myself the same grace.

Even this post I'm just tossing out here, knowing it is full of flaws, because if I tried to make it just right, a perfect reflection of my attitude, then it probably wouldn't get done, and it wouldn't reflect my sometimes pedantic self.

:P

Cripes, I used DU's spell check, and there were no spelling errors except "cripes." That never happens.

[Writer]

34. It sounds like you grew to become comfortable with yourself,

warts and all. That's a nice place to be, I think.

I have many, many warts. I'm akin to a toad, actually.

There is a lot to say about being good to oneself. To allow oneself to be human which I personally don't think I've permitted myself to do up until my very late 20's. I think that helps with a positive view on what's possible versus one's dreams. So what's possible? I don't think anyone truly knows the answer to that question, but if one is honest with his or herself, then I think it makes answering that question easier.

Thanks for your sharing your story with me! :hug: :*

[lost-in-nj]

14. To appreciate what you have

all you have to do is read Mrs. Grumpy's thread
Bullwinkle's thread
and OMC's thread.....
look at your husband and your loved ones and treasure every day...
It certainly has put my world into perspective.....
I tend to look at people who are less fortunate than me and I say to myself,

there but for the grace of god go I....
I do believe in a higher power so this fits my beliefs....
and usually if its within my reach I try to help in any way even if its a small way

I remember reading something to the effect of

You are never to old to start anything....
in four years you can look back at this moment and you could either be
a college graduate or the person you are now wondering if its to late to do anything about your life..... four years is four years whether you are in school or not....
its going to go by..... what you do with it is the important thing.
I hope you find some answers!!!
I hope I made some sense!!!! LOL
:hi: :hug:

lost

[Writer]

16. No you made a lot of sense!

Thank you.

Yes, after reading MrsGrumpy's, OMC's and Bullwinkle's threads, I do realize that I have my health and relationship with my husband. These are things that I do treasure in my life and I do not take them for granted. :)

I wish I knew a way to describe this so that a person reading my words could truly fathom what I am experiencing. I suppose it's like suffering from terrible thirst but the closest glass of water is just out of my reach. Or even worse, at times, that as I reach for that glass, I'm yanked back by an unseen hand. I truly hope you understand.

And yes - you're so correct - I don't know what four years from now will look like!

Thank you.

:hug: :*

[lost-in-nj]

27. Actually Writer, I do understand....

and to be honest.... I think I know a little of how you feel....

I have been there, and probably still am but not as much anymore....


:hug:


lost

[Writer]

31. I'm so glad that it's been easing for you!

Thank you. :)

[auntAgonist]

18. The lyrics of this song ...

Even although it's called "For My Wedding" by Don Henley, have always spoken to me. Perhaps you'll find something in them that speaks to you. (?)

aA

For My Wedding.


For my wedding, I will dress in black
And never again will I look back
Ah, my dark angels we must part
For Ive made a sanctuary of my heart

To want what I have
To take what Im given with grace
For this I pray
On my wedding day

For my wedding, I dont want violins
Or sentimental songs about thick and thin
I want a moment of silence and a moment of prayer
For the love well need to make it in the world out there

To want what I have
To take what Im given with grace
For this I pray
On my wedding day
On my wedding day

I dream, and my dreams are all glory and light
Thats what Ive wanted for my life
And if it hasnt always been that way
Well, I can dream and I can pray
On my wedding day

So what makes us any different from all the others
Who have tried and failed before us
Maybe nothing, maybe nothing at all
But I pray were the lucky ones; I pray we never fall

To want what we have
To take what were given with grace
For these things I pray
On my wedding day
On my wedding day

[Writer]

23. Those are wonderful lyrics.

Thank you!

Yes, the issue here is about "want," and wanting more than what I have.

I wish I could explain why I possess these deeper desires for mental challenge and developing a sense of purpose outside the realm of my home and husband. If I knew where that came from, then I could develop answers.

For now, however, all I know to do is struggle, and I certainly do not think my situation is unique, however alone I feel.

:hug: :*

[Haole Girl]

19. More coffee and chocolate

;-)

Sorry. I have no idea. :hi:

[Writer]

25. LOL - hey, I'll share some chocolate with you!

Thanks... I appreciate that. :hug: :*

[TK421]

20. ..

:hug: To quote Steven Wright- "You never know what you got till it's gone...I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything"

Thought you could use the laugh, is all

[Writer]

26. I love Steven Wright!

But of course, his point is salient. Thank you. :hug: :*

[two gun sid]

21. Just keep plugging away at it...

but, realize that hard work is not always rewarded. You have to enjoy the small triumphs on the way to your goals because, unfortunately, sometimes goals are unreachable. Relax, and as a poster said upthread, don't sweat the small shit.

Good Luck to you, writer. I hope you get everything you want from life.

[Writer]

28. Small triumphs.

That's a great way to look at this. Thank you!

:hug: :*

[Dora]

22. What defines success for you? What do you dream of?

As a 38 year old woman with an MFA, a two year old son, and a six-year old marriage to a man I've been with for fifteen years - I can relate. I used to have moments, hours, days and weeks of feeling stuck, unfulfilled, resentful, trapped... you name it.

I used to feel that way. No more.

I had no choice but to look at myself and examine my own feelings of unhappiness and try to root out their source. I learned that in the process of going through graduate school, becoming a wife, becoming a mother, I had done little to nurture my vision of my life. I became so involved with the "what" of making a life (school, marriage, family), I neglected the "why" of my accomplishments (love of learning, love of another person, a wish to nurture and create). I was ashamed to recognize that I felt envious of others' successes, and I considered myself a failure when I compared my own accomplishments to the acheivements of others. Not pretty.

I began to create opportunities for myself. I signed up for e-mail job lists, if only to give me an idea of what other opportunities were out there. I put together an informal writing group - it dissolved after a few meetings, but it was fun while it lasted. And the momentum from that experience moved me into something else. Now I'm working on fulfilling an idea I've been carrying around for ten years - and nobody can do this for me except me.

Practice positivity. Practice gratititude. Practice forgiveness. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy others. Laugh at something funny. Happiness does take work, but it's not as elusive as we think.

Dream, and take a step or two towards that dream. You'll be surprised at how much closer it seems.

[Writer]

29. Wonderful, wonderful stuff!

You really mirrored many of my feelings at the moment! I'm so glad that you were able to find a way to overcome your unhappiness, and I completely understand that feeling of embarrassment that comes from realizing my resentment/envy of others' successes. I hate feeling that way. It's such a negative way to view the world.

I am creating opportunities for myself - perhaps they're too early to work out? I don't know. That's why I'm asking for opinions from the wiser. Whether it be politics, academics, or something else, I am trying. Maybe I just need to give all of these things more time... I wish I was a more hopeful person naturally.

Thanks so much for sharing your story! :hug: :*

[skygazer]

24. I don't know if I'm a person to offer advice

Hell, I don't even know if this IS advice. But for what it's worth -

I've never been a big fan of having too awful many plans and goals to hit in life. I don't mean a person should completely float along and hope for the best but I do think a lot of people tend to hem themselves in too much with trying to achieve a specific objective3. In the course of it, they experience very little else.

Case in point - I have a friend at work. He's been there over 30 years, never had another job. He's got a good pension and retirement fund but he has less life experience than I had at 25. I've worked dozens of very different jobs and while I don't have a lot put away, I've at least got a whole slew of memories to draw on. And as someone else pointed out, as a writer, those are vital.

I don't know what specific things you've been complaining about, but I have a tendency to plan only so far. I do have goals - I'm taking paralegal classes right now, for instance - but I don't chart out my life too much. And if I ever had the time or the discipline, what a great book (or series of books, or epic, or screenplay or cautionary tale) I could write!

And here's a hug :hug: because it sounds like you could use one. :hi:

[Writer]

30. Believe me, your advice is needed and welcome!

I unfortunately, save for my husband, don't have anyone else to talk to about these obscurities, so I'm very appreciative of everyone's input.

Life experiences: Without getting into details, at 32, I'd say I've had an interesting string of experiences. But there are a few things I haven't done: I haven't traveled to Europe. I haven't published yet, but maybe that will change? And I am relatively young, so there will be more opportunities. As I mentioned to another poster upthread, one thing I lack is hope. I don't have hope that my hard work will pay off.

Maybe I need one little thing to work out and that will change. I'm not sure, but I really appreciate your kind advice and support.

Thank you!

:hug: :*

[Burma Jones]

33. My Wife practices and teaches Yoga and that helps her enjoy and appreciate what she has

I'm 48 and have done most of the things I wanted to do, I don't have any of those nagging "what if I had done this or that" moments. So, I would try to make sure that you leave the earth without too many regrets.

But the Yoga thing, especially when you get past just stretching and into the meditation and philosophy, will really help you feel connected to life, the universe and everything and, subsequently, happier about the whole shebang.

[Writer]

35. I used to practice yoga regularly.

:)

I haven't in a while since I've been so busy. Maybe I should get back into it! :hug: :*

[HERVEPA]

36. I may be out of line here,..

but your description of the good things in your life (and a good marriage is nothing to take for granted), along with your negative outlook, seem to indicate depression to me.

[Writer]

37. Oh yeah, that's a given.

I've suffered from depression since I was 11. That's always been a part of me. :)

:hug: :*