Anyone got a funny joke to cheer me up a little?

[bubblesby2002]

I've been sick for days and I sure could use a laugh. Even if it's a little one.:(

[A-Schwarzenegger]

1. Buddha, ordering a pizza:

"Make me one with everything."

[bubblesby2002]

3. Thanks that made me laugh

nt

[SoCalDem]

2. Okay

Scene 1
Three ministers and their wives are returning from an ecumenical meeting.. One is a baptist minister, another is a presbyterian minister and the other is a lutheran minister.. They are singing songs and talking and WHAM.. a semi crosses the middle line, hits their car head on and kills them all instantly..

Scene 2
St Peter calls the presbyterian minister first and says.. "I am sorry but we cannot let you into heaven..even though you did wonderful work with the poor on earth.. The minister is stunned and asks why.. St Peter says.. " Because you love money so much, that you even MARRIED a woman named Penny".. They walk away shaking their heads..

Scene 3
Now St Peter calls the lutheran minister, and tells him that ne cannot enter the pearly gates either.. even though he was a wonderful minister and did good works with the youth of his town.. He asks why.. St Peter replies.. "You love "the drink" too much.. so much so that you married a woman named Sherry.. They too walk away dismayed..

Scene 4
Baptist minister & wife are walking away.. as they walk away, the minister says,, " Come on , Fanny, he's not letting us in either "..

</rimshot>

[bubblesby2002]

10. I was baptized in the Baptist church only because..

it was the closest church to our house. But I got a chuckle out of that one too. Thanks

[camero]

4. What's the difference between a blond and a 747?

Not everyone has been in a 747.

[bubblesby2002]

6. LOL I don't know why but I love blonde jokes.

Could be because I'm not one

[Lostmessage]

5. I bumped one up for you.

:evilgrin:

[bubblesby2002]

7. So far they've all made me laugh.

I am beginning to feel a little better.

[Rebellious Republican]

8. Here's a moral question for you.

This is an imaginary situation, but I think you will find it beneficial to think through this exercise.
The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.
You're a freelance photographer for a news service, you're traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes that you can shoot.
You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.
You have to make a choice. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here's the question ... and please think carefully before you answer it:

Which lens do you use?

[bubblesby2002]

11. Zing that went over my head for a minute...

Had to read it a couple of times. But once I got it, it was pretty funny. Thanks

[alittlelark]

27. Last time I heard that joke it was bush in the water!

:evilgrin:

[jus_the_facts]

9. So this dude dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates....

......St. Peter takes him into a room with all these clocks on the wall....he explains the clocks are a measure of your sins in your lifetime....he gestures to Mother Teresa's clock...it was frozen at only 12:01....the dude asks to see his own clock...the face of it shows only 12:15....not too bad he thinks...he then asks St. Peter to show him George W. Bush's clock...St. Peter laughs and says...oh his is in Jesus' office....he's using it as a ceiling fan! :D

[bubblesby2002]

13. LOL

In between coughing fits, I'm laughing

[jus_the_facts]

19. another one I read right here on DU.....

.....three world renowned plastic surgeons are compairing their lifes achievements...the first surgeon says he had a patient once that had both hands pulled off in an accident...now he's a concert pianist....the second surgeon says he can top that...he had a patient who'd had both arms and legs pulled off and now he's winning gold medals in the Olympics....the third surgeon then says...boys I got ya all beat....I had a patient who was ridin' a horse and hit a train head on...all that was left of him was a cowboy hat and a horses ass...now he's the pResident of the United States! :evilgrin:

[bubblesby2002]

21. I like that one too.

:hi: Feeling a little better now.

[bigwillq]

25. My sister just told me that one last night

I love it

[chookie]

12. If you like silly animal jokes, read on

A 3-toed sloth was making its way across the Amazon jungle, when it was attacked by a gang of slugs, who sadistically beat it senseless and left it bleeding on the ground.

Luckily, the sloth was discovered by the Amazon Jungle Police, who treated its wounds and started to write up a report of the incident in order to start an investigation.

"Could you tell us what happened? Can you identify who attacked you?" they asked.

The sloth replied -- "I dunno -- it all happened so fast!"

[bubblesby2002]

20. That IS cute

:7

[nostamj]

14. well, this made me laugh...............................

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened; and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

[LanternWaste]

15. Here's two quickies....

"Two guys walked into a bar... ya think the second one would've ducked"

"Didja hear about the baby seal that walked into a club...?"

(I'm gonna get hate mail for the last one...)

[GAspnes]

16. When is it bedtime at the Never-never Land Ranch?

(scroll down)


































When the big hand touches the little hand.

Hope you feel better.

[NoPasaran]

17. A lawyer dies and goes to heaven

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says, "You look great for someone who's 78."
The lawyer says, "Seventy-eight? I'm only 50!"
St Peter examines his paperwork and finally says, "Oh, now I see. . . We were going by your billing hours!"

[Rebellious Republican]

18. Ok here is another brain teaser for ya!

Tips From Ghosts of Presidents Past

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.

Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."

[plainjane]

22. super bowl joke

Fox, coach of the Carolina Panthers was asked what he thought of the Janet Jackson halftime show replied "I would have gone for two".

[bubblesby2002]

23. Another one to make me laugh

Thanks

[bubblesby2002]

24. Thank you all

I actually do feel a little better.:yourock:

[Paragon]

26. Why do chicks love Jesus?

Because he was hung like this (spread your arms out).

See you in hell. :hi:

[bubblesby2002]

28. you are not just whistling dixie, you are surely going to hell

But that is funny. Sort of like this one:

Jesus on the cross calls to Mary in a weak voice: Mary come closer I must tell you something.

Mary climbs the cross and as she gets closer to Jesus he says:

I can see your house from here. Groooaaaann

[MI Cherie]

29. Driving home, a man sees a sign ...

FREE ... Republican puppies.

A fews days later, at the same house, a sign says:

FREE ... Democratic puppies.

Curious, he stops to ask why ...

Reply: "Now they have their eyes open!"

[NightTrain]

30. What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?

"Hop in!" :spank:

[bubblesby2002]

31. hahaha Lol

:7

[Catshrink]

32. GOD'S HOT LINE

John Madden was in Chicago to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Bears' bench. He asked a nearby player what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. The player told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $100.00." John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck. I could use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.00. John's picks were perfect that week.

The next week, John was in Minnesota when he noticed that same kind of phone on the Vikings' bench. He asked what the telephone was for and was told "It's a hotline to God, if you want to use it, it will cost you $500.00." Recalling last weekend, John pulled out his wallet and made the call. John's picks were perfect again that week!

The next weekend John was in Green Bay at Lambeau Field when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Packers' bench. He asked Brett Favre, "Is that the hotline to God?" Brett said, "yes but it will cost you 35 cents". John looked incredulously at Brett and said, '"wait a second, I just paid $100.00 in Chicago and $500.00 in Minnesota to use the same phone to God! Why does Green Bay only charge 35 cents?" Brett looked at John and replied, "In Green Bay, it's a local call."

(My principal, a rabid GB fan sent me this. And me, a rabid Bears fan had to accept it.)

[bubblesby2002]

35. LOL

Yup that got a laugh

[Weiners]

33. Miss Kelly's kindergarten class......

was having a "tell us what your daddy does" day.
As each child stood up and told the other children what their daddy's did for a living, Miss Kelly noticed little Bobby crouching lower in his seat.
When Bobby's turn came, he said "My Father works in a strip joint and also takes strange men out to the back alley and does disgusting sexual acts with them".

Miss Kelly, who was naturally horrified, made the other children start other projects, like coloring, while she pulled Bobby aside and asked him:
Bobby, does your daddy really do those things to other men?

Bobby said "Well no, not really...actually he works for the Bush Administration but I was to embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids"

[bubblesby2002]

36. A laugh

nt:7

[snoochie]

34. Maybe not a laugh but at least a smile I hope

A boy and his mom get home from the grocery store and he asks her for the animal crackers they bought. She hands them to him and puts away the rest of the groceries. Then she turns to see that he's spread all the crackers out all over their dining table and is sorting through them one by one.

"What do you think you're doing, young man?!" she asks, upset.

"But mooooooom!" he says, "The box says I can't eat them if the seal is broken!"

[bubblesby2002]

37. and a big smile

;)