I Got A Jooooookkkee ..... I Got A Jooooookkkee

[matcom]

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed: One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

:bounce:

[GOPisEvil]

1. What's a jookkee?

:P

Heehee...that's cute!

[Liberal Veteran]

3. A jookee is a relative of the wookie.

From the same planet though.

[banana republican]

2. Two Texans were drinking at a Bar

when George Bush's picture was shown on TV.

The First Texan said "What a horses ass he is."

Where upon the second Texan knocks the first one off his barstool.

The first one asked "Why did you do that? Are you a republican?"

Upon which the second said "In Texas you don't insult the horses"

[CrownPrinceBandar]

4. A golf joke...

Two elderly gentlemen were playing golf and when they reached the 18th hole they noticed a funeral procession going by.

One of the old gents removed his hat and waited for the procession to pass before he teed off.

The other old guy said: "I must say, that is the most respectful, professional thing I have ever seen."

Putting his hat back on, the first old guy says: "Seems the least I could do, she gave me the best 40 years of her life."

Ba-dum-bum!

I guess you have to be a golfer.

[underpants]

5. This guy says to another guy in a bar "I built this bar up from nothing...

ten years it took me but do they call me Johnny the barowner? No sir they don't.

Then I started farming. I feds thousands of people the world over but do they call me Johnny the farmer? No sir they don't.

Then I was elected to Congress where I served this community for ten years but do they call me Johnny the Congressman? No sir they don't.

He takes another drink of his beer and says

Ya f**k ONE sheep.....

[underpants]

7. Thank you thank you for my next joke-This guy is reading the paper

in his front room. He sees something out of the corner of his eye, it is a snail crawling from his front door towards the back of the house. He gets up, picks it up, opens the front door and throws it across the street over his neighbor's fence and into his front yard. He goes back to reading the paper.

A couple of months later he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it up....looks left....looks right no one is there. He finally looks down, it's the same snail.

The snail says,

:grr::shrug: WHAT THE F**K?!?!?!? :shrug::grr:

[Hand]

11. Har har! Whacko! n/t

[CrownPrinceBandar]

6. This duck walks into a bar....

and asks the bartender if he has any grapes.

"Grapes!" the bartender says, "This is a bar, we only serve drinks."

The duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and asks for grapes again.

At this point, the bartender is fairly agitated and says to the duck: "Listen! this is a bar, we serve drinks. Thats all. In fact, if you come in here one more time and ask for grapes, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck leaves.

The next day the duck returns to the bar and walks up to the bartender and says: "Hey barkeep, you got any nails in this place?"

The bartender looks at the duck and says: "Umm, no. We don't."

Then the duck says: "Well, you got any grapes then?"

(running for cover)

[moof]

8. you gonna fish or cut bait ?

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana, watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying
something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy
yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "Whatcha gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man
yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy
comes walking by and, to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his
hand.

Old man yells, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of duck
tape."
Old man says, "Whatcha gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't
catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around
sunset the boy walks by the old man on his way home and, to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of
duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says, "It's a pussywillow."

Old man says, "I'll get my hat."

[moof]

9. bus*h & pickles

are sitting in bed getting ready to go to sleep.
pickles asks the chimp if he is ready for the upcoming election.
george says yes, it's going to be fun riding in airforce 1 more often.
pickles asks george if he thinks the democrats are going to play dirty & cheat.
george gets sullen & replies "well it sure sounds like it".
"what do you mean george" pickles says.
When I asked Karl about how much I was going to win by...
he said it was going to be a close.

[HamstersFromHell]

10. Friend just sent me this one:

CALLING IN SICK

Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today, my doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

[moof]

12. Honeymoon salad

Lettus alone, no dressing.