Any tips/suggestions/comments for a valentine's day sonnet

[DarkTirade]

to someone who re-introduced me to ice skating, something I loved doing but couldn't for about 14 years until I moved to an area that had rinks. :)

Until the break of dawn I never knew,
what wondrous things awaited for me then,
such pow'rful songs so far beyond my ken,
with harmony and melody that grew,
to glide, to soar, to sweep you off your feet,
We stand above a mirr'r so calm, so still,
once water yet we cannot drink our fill,
but now our movements have become so sweet,
The waters now a surface for our art,
a canvas that is ours to write upon,
we carve its face and yet we're never done,
we stand on blades and yet they never part,
Together we discovered something new,
I never would have found it without you.


(also posted this in the poetry section, but I wanted the options of my fellow loungers too. :) )

[petronius]

1. Try and work in something about "a man from Nantucket."

It rhymes with everything...

:)

[DarkTirade]

2. Hmm...

[DarkTirade]

3. I was thinking about going the lowbrow route

and I experimented with low-brow sonnets in http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x7462582#7463016">this thread. :P

[petronius]

4. That's excellent - I can't imgine a woman who wouldn't swoon at a poem like that

:rofl:

[DarkTirade]

5. I finished it too... not sure if I want to put the whole thing up here.

Might get my thread locked. :P

[petronius]

6. Simple solution - post it another thread and get that one locked

I'm sure there are threads in GD: P that could be sacrificed for a greater good...

:)

[DarkTirade]

7. Nah... I'll just link to it. :)

http://lighttirade.livejournal.com/118355.html#cutid2

[petronius]

8. ...

:spray:

That's really quite good - put it to a beat and you'll have a platinum-selling rap album...

(The serious one is good too.)

[DarkTirade]

9. Yeah, but then it'd have to be censored to get played on the radio...

and I refuse to let my work be censored.

Thanks. :)

[Robb]

10. Dammit

...I was thinking that before I even clicked into this thread. :D

[DarkTirade]

11. I didn't even use that rhyming scheme in the dirty sonnet. :P

[Quantess]

12. I hope she deserves you.

First, let me say that I don't know much about you, but I do know that many women would be thrilled to have a boyfriend who writes them romantic stuff like poetry. It's so thoughtful and sweet.

Second, not every woman would give your poetry appreciation that's due. Your lovely poetry would be wasted on me, even though I would still think it was very thoughtful, and I of course would think it was so nice, but deep down I'd be thinking "What is he doing with me?" and jealousy of some English major he will meet in the future who will be his soulmate.

My first serious boyfriend impressed me by playing acoustic guitar for me. He was really good at it. I asked him "play something Spanish" and he did. It knocked me out. He wasn't even that good looking, but I loved the "serenades". We were together for years.

All I'm saying is, if she doesn't appreciate it, there will be a truer love for you in the future. :-)

[DarkTirade]

13. Well, she's not even my girlfriend at the moment.

We were going on dates/hanging out a bit and never made anything official... then she had to move back home. :(

But yes, she will be able to appreciate this. That's why I went for a sonnet rather than just a cute little rhyme. She's one of the few people who can manage to correct my grammar.

And she also appreciates my guitar playing too. She's a musician like me. :) She'd tried to play guitar before and not gotten very far, so one of the things I made sure we had time to do before she left was to give her a guitar lesson, at least get her a good footing so she could continue to learn on her own. I couldn't really think of anything fancy for a going-away present for her, so I figured I'd go for something a little more personal... I bought her a pack of guitar picks. :)

But she is most definately one in a million. And even if there's never a chance for us to be together, I still want her to know how special she is.

[Quantess]

15. One thing people find out about me pretty soon is that I'm a cynic.

She's moving away, and she will meet other guys. The sad part is that her new "boyfriends" will all fall short on writing personally inspired poetry. She will undoubtedly miss that about you. She will also miss playing guitar with you.

I'm creative in visual art media. I dated a guy for a month, then unfortunately for Christmas I gave him something (can't remember what) in gift wrap that I made, with a handmade, 6-page card that told a little story. He didn't really appreciate it. In fact, he thought it was weird, and he gave me a funny look. We were obviously wrong for each other.

My current boyfriend LOVED the pillow I sewed for him. He truly appreciated it! He got it. He gets me. It's a quality that is hard to find in others, for creative people.

This young woman is going to meet other guys who have other "charms" but it's safe to say you have made an impact.

Edit: I AM a cynic, but I'm just real. This young woman will remember you forever. :-)

[DarkTirade]

16. I don't think I could date anyone who couldn't appreciate something

quirky and homemade vs. something bought at a store.

As far as dating other people... at the moment I'm not too worried about that. The reason she and I weren't officially 'dating' is because she's just at a very messy point in her life, so she won't be dating anyone for a while. I just hope that at some point she decides to move back when her life becomes more stable. :)

[GoddessOfGuinness]

14. That's lovely!

Make sure there's a box of tissues nearby. :)

[DarkTirade]

17. Awww, I was just shooting for cute...

I dunno if I want it to go that far... :P

[Steerpike]

18. Most "high brows" do not like poetry that rhymes.

I think it's very nice.

[DarkTirade]

19. It's a sonnet

can't avoid rhyming there. :)

But anything in iambic pentameter automatically gains a little bit of street cred from the high-brow types.

[DarkTirade]

20. Kicked, because I still want tips/suggestions/comments/ect. before I put it down in ink or dye

or whatever I end up using to finish the present up. :)