My own mother just called me "sickening".

[lightningandsnow]

And you know what? 16 years of having insults hurled at me, and part of me starts to believe it, no matter how absurd it is. Still... I know I don't deserve this shit.

Blood is thicker than water, my ass.

[Oeditpus Rex]

1. I'm convinced some parents have no clue

as to the depth of the pain they cause with their words.

:hug:

[Dr. Strange]

2. Blood IS thicker than water.

But then, so is toothpaste, so who gives a crap?

I know your mother is wrong: you got eight hearts, and I only have five. Considering how great a person I am, you must be totally awesome. Feel free to tell you mother that.

You can take it to the bank! :thumbsup:

[DarkTirade]

5. Yes, but toothpaste is minty and fresh, while blood and water are not.

I'm really not sure where I'm going with this.

[TZ]

8. I have three times the number of hearts than you..

That must mean I am practically a goddess then!! :P


BTW, Aspie Girl rocks!!!

[Dr. Strange]

9. I would have that many too if I could do nude yoga.

This is as close as I can get:

[Arugula Latte]

13. It looks like he's giving birth to his own belly.

:rofl:

[lightningandsnow]

14. OK, that picture made me feel just a little better.

Funny.

[zanne]

38. Blood HURTS more than water. nt

[fight4my3sons]

3. .

:hug:

[BuelahWitch]

4. I am sorry your mother doesn't appreciate

what an intelligent daughter she has. :hug: from me.

[lightningandsnow]

23. Thank you.

[DarkTirade]

...

:hug:

If it helps any, we like you just fine. :)

[edbermac]

6. Was called worse by both my parents.

Hang in there; I did 'believe' it at one point, but group therapy helped out a lot. :hug:

[TZ]

7. From someone who has relatives who drive me insane

I sympathize. Least with me its my sister and I can EASILY avoid her.
BTW, nobody deserves those insults. I bet your mother regrets saying them (or will) but doesn't want to own up to her mistakes.
This been my experience with relatives.

[LaurenG]

10. I think you should ask her to stop, and if (when) that doesn't work, tell her to stop

and if she does it again walk away from her or hang up the phone.

I think some people are mostly unconscious when it comes to telling off their kids, for some reason they think they have a right to say whatever crosses their mind. Both of my parents had a problem with that, it made all of the kids despise them for a long time.

I hope you can find a way tell her firmly that you won't allow her to talk to you that way.

:hug:

[Parche]

11. hug

:hug: :hug: :hi:

[AlCzervik]

12. a lot of times it has nothing to do with you, sometimes you are the lightning rod.

i know you're hurting right now but try and keep in mind that she's supposed to be the adult and she has no business talking to you like that and again, it most likely has nothing at all to do with you. I wish i had known that when i was your age.

[hedgehog]

15. Oh child, I wish I could be there to give you a hug and not let go!

This will have to do , I guess.:hug:

[Deja Q]

16. Why did she call you that?

:( :hug:

[lightningandsnow]

17. My brother was telling my mom it was "all my fault" that he used the word "retard",

which she found offensive.

I told him to shut up.

Not the nicest thing to say, but I'm sick of being scapegoated.

[hisownpetard]

46. She didn't like someone using the word "retard," so she tells you that you're sickening??

What a warped sense of propriety she has.

Reading your OP and all the posts here makes my heart crack, to think that mothers can be so cruel
and utterly destructive to their children. I wish I could sit and talk to every one of you and tell you how
worthwhile you are.

No parent should ever utter words like that to a child because they wound and stay in the mind forever, like a label.

I hope you can realize that this type of thing is no reflection on you or who you are; it's a reflection of her, and her own failings
and uncontrollable rage at how her life has turned out.

Please cherish yourself, and stay whole.


:grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug:

[Darth_Kitten]

54. I'm sorry you are in such a dysfunctional environment........

seriously, I'm glad you are fighting for YOURSELF.

You don't need to be put down, scapegoated, etc.

[SarahB]

18. I'm very sorry.

As the mother of a soon-to-be 16 year old, I hardly find any excuse for this. I have broken the chain of abuse in my family. As a teen, my mother frequently threatened to kick me out and called me every name in the book. She'd take me to therapists to "prove" how problematic I was and when told I was a normal kid, she'd call me a manipulative bastard at home. My father sat back and did pretty much nothing. I left home as soon as I could perhaps not making the best choices as a young woman because I essentially had no one. However, as a teen herself, my mother's mother gave her black eyes and because of that she couldn't even see the harm of her continually verbal and emotional abuse.

My daughter isn't perfect and of course has to face consequences if rules are broken, but I'm not particularly strict, nor am I verbally abusive. She knows she's loved unconditionally. Therefore, I am proud to be the mother of a self-confident and self-motivated young women.

[lightningandsnow]

24. Thank you for posting this.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. Feel free to PM me anytime.

[crim son]

19. Parents say really stupid things sometimes.

Some say really stupid things *most* of the time. I'm sorry, AspieGrrl. You certainly aren't sickening.

[suninvited]

20. Keep your chin up !

My mother called me sickening many, many times, along with any other hurtful name she could think of.

My favorite was when she would tell me how much she hated me.

I realize now that my mother was bi-polar and those manic phases were so hurtful to me.

I am sure that your own mother is unhappy with herself for doing this to you.

I have forgiven my mother now, unfortunately I didnt until after her death.

[mentalsolstice]

21. Parents aren't perfect!

I grew up with a disability, and in hindsight I can see where my parents screwed up in a major way! My parents, now in their 60s and 70s act like my 3 year-old niece at times. My father-in-law just died at 88 years old, and he was one of the most immature persons I've ever known.

Just keep on living, once you're in your 20s and 30s, and beyond, you'll realize that most people are screwed up at any age.

Good luck!

[grasswire]

32. when was that photo taken, do you know?

He looks so content.

[mentalsolstice]

36. I don't know...

However, it looks candid, dispels the myth of a marriage of convenience.

[SPKrazy]

22. Glad you don't believe it

don't ever believe it, ever!

you are NOT sickening or anything like that

how do I know?

I just do!

:hug: :hug:

[Madrone]

25. Just FYI -

I had the mother from hell, hell bent on giving me the childhood from hell. It may not seem like it now, but it DOES get better. The hardest part is being a child with NO options. No place to go to get away. At least in my case - finally being able to move out of her house and out from under her thumb did an INCREDIBLE job of improving my sanity. Just hang in there and never forget that your time is coming. :hug:

[BreweryYardRat]

26. Yeesh, my sympathies. Mine's not as bad, but still unpleasant.

[momophile]

27. please don't believe it, don't ever believe it

we all think you are wonderful.
:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

28. I cut my mom loose

it wasn't worth the shit

sorry aspie :hug:

[midnight armadillo]

29. Same here.

You know things have reached a low point when your mother tells you that everyday she wakes up thinking about how much she hates you.

[Generic Brad]

30. MIne never told me she hated me

Instead she repeatedly told me I was going to hell because of my reprehensible life style.

I am a middle aged married man with a kid. I am so unorthodox I should fry for eternity. Actually there were three things about me that really got under her skin: my interracial marriage, my choice to stop going to church, and the fact that I admitted voting for John Kerry who was, in her opinion, a baby killer.

[orleans]

34. amazing. how does she feel about her grandchild? n/t

[Generic Brad]

48. Horrible

But not horrible enough to ever apologize.

[AngryOldDem]

39. Sometimes, that's what you've gotta do. Unfortunately.

I did. My mother is perhaps the most toxic person known to man. Her family was just generations of pure toxicity. I cut the ties to make sure that toxicity stopped before it spread any further.

And you know what? I feel no. guilt. WHATSOEVER. She fucked up the first 45 years of my life. I will be damned if she fucks up the last 45.

[Jamastiene]

31. That's verbal abuse for her to call you that.

Best thing to do is limit contact and find ways to reverse the effects of the verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can really wreak havoc on a person's self esteem. Take it form someone who has spent years in therapy and is only now beginning to understand self worth.

I'm sorry you have to endure that. :hug:

[orleans]

33. everybody says stupid shit they don't always mean

(i'm generalizing--let me be specific: i say stupid shit i don't always mean)

my mother and i had a lot of rough times when i was a teenager, and in my twenties. in comparison my daughter and i are a cakewalk--even tho we have our bitchy moments with each other too (they are few and far between--thank god)

have you ever sat down and told her how these remarks make you feel? that you don't like them? that she isn't the only one who has had a bad day? maybe if you found a quiet moment together (mom can i talk to you? you know, i've been thinking about some stuff and one of the things i was thinking about is that you probably don't know this but it really ___ (bothers me/hurts me/makes me sad) when you say things to me like: i'm ___ or i'm ___. and i just wanted you to know. i figured if you knew then maybe you wouldn't do it so much.)

i remember feeling like a small piece of me would die every time my mom would say something mean to me. as i got older (late teens, early twenties) i would talk to my mom about it--and things did get better.

she'd say stuff like: "i don't say that" or "i never said that" and i'd tell her yes she did, and i'd remind her what was said and when she said it. "well, you took it wrong." "i can't help it. it makes me feel horrible when you say that."

i don't know what your relationship is like--i don't know if this advice would fit into your situation--but sometimes, when you let people know that their words can be as hurtful as a fist it helps them to realize what they are doing and the consequences their words can have.

words are just words. but they have the potential of wielding tremendous power. sometimes we need to be reminded of that.

(and if your brother is using you for a scapegoat you might want to tell him to knock it off ;-)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

37. Are we long-lost siblings?

That was exactly my mother's reaction when I confronted her about some of the things she said and did in the past.

[orleans]

43. (smile) n/t

[The Traveler]

35. Dunno if this means anything to ya

We haven't talked much, if at all. But I have read some of your posts, and you seem like a nice kid. As a parent, I would be happy if my daughter were hanging out with ya. You seem like good a person from what I can see.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

40. Do you have the kind of relationship where you can yell right back?

I do, and I utilize it frequently--my mother can't get away with insulting me. She doesn't try it that often, as I'm right back at her. She was a social worker, though, so in general she doesn't pull tricks.

[lightningandsnow]

41. I'd get in trouble for that.

Even being mildly disrespectful gets me in trouble. It's really unproductive. It just produces more, and possibly punishment.

Also, it seemingly confirms what a delinquent child I (supposedly) am.

[av8rdave]

42. This may sound cold, but...

It may help to assume that she is probably wrong about a lot of other things too.

Nobody deserves that. So sorry to hear.

[Cabcere]

44. IMO, it's her behavior that is "sickening"

:( :hug: I'm sorry you have to put up with that, AspieGrrl - nobody deserves that kind of horseshit, especially from their own parents. :pals: I think your mother is very lucky to have a kind, thoughtful, and intelligent daughter like you, and I hope someday (preferably soon!) she will realize that. :grouphug: :yourock:

[Deep13]

45. I know exactly what you mean.

Fortunately, water dilutes blood and allows it to circle harmlessly down the drain. That means stop talking to her to the extent possible and throw that shit right back at her. "I see, it's my fault you never taught me anything useful." etc.

[appal_jack]

47. positive vibrations to you AG...

:hug:

i had way too many similar interactions like that with my mom when i was sixteen (followed sometimes by my dad providing 'enforcement,' which i certainly hope never happens to you). one of the most awful such verbal tirades came the morning i was headed to take the SAT's (do Canadians have to take SAT's?)

now that sixteen is about 20 years in the rear view mirror for me, i have a pretty decent relationship with my folks, who are actually kind people, even if they did go batshit crazy between 1985 and 1989. not having any kids of my own yet, i'm certainly no expert, but i think that some people just aren't prepared for their offspring to go from malleable bundles of protoplasm to actual individuals (are you the oldest child too? i think it's worst for eldests).

so i hope that this time of conflict with your mom passes quickly, and she comes to respect you as an intelligent and soon-to-be independent young woman. if this happens, then maybe you'll be able to forgive her for this kind of abuse some years (or decades) down the road. if your mom is worse than mine, then you may have to draw higher boundaries between yourself and her, as some upthread have recommended. either way, there are a lot of us here at DU who think you are a rad kid :grouphug:

-app

ps- even with all the ear-splitting maternal yelling of that morning, i got a 1360 on the SAT's iirc, which was part of how i got a scholarship to a university four states away from the 'rentals. that was the chance and time and space for the healing to begin, and for things between myself and my parents to begin to improve. i know you said that you are looking forward to university too, so even in the midst of your current chaos, keep studying and honing your skills and do the best you can.

:hug: :grouphug: :hug: again.

[Skittles]

49. get her out of your life, AspieGirl

just because we cannot choose our family does not mean we have to put up with them

[lightningandsnow]

50. One problem...

I'm 16. And I'm also going to have to go to university somehow...

Also, my family is very, very close knit. (It's also quite dysfunctional in other ways).

Not sure how I can do that.

But thank you.

[Skittles]

51. ooh dear

you seem so - MATURE to me my sweet! OK - I can empathize - but really, she is way, WAY out of line. DO NOT ACCEPT IT! Let her KNOW her behavior is completely out of line!!!

[Pale Blue Dot]

52. Hugs back.

I wish I could tell you it ends, but I'm almost 40, and I can tell you, it doesn't.

The good news is that you already understand that it's not really about you. That took me a lot longer to figure out. You'll be fine as long as you remember that.

:hug:

[UncleSepp]

53. Hang on. You don't have much longer to go.

You can get out if you get into college. Get whatever grants and scholarships you can. Borrow yourself up to the eyeballs if you have to. But you can get the hell out of there. It is an amazing thing how much the world changes when you do not have someone talking to you like that, especially your mom.

If you can see the absurdity of it, the wrongness of it, you're doing well. Of course part of you starts to believe it. Honor that part - but let the part that says "This sucks and shouldn't be this way" be your guide. And also... did I mention, GTFO?

[Chovexani]

55. Oh honey.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

God I know how that can be. I went through similar stuff with my family growing up...I am a firm believer in chosen family vs. people you share genetics with.

My advice is just hang in there and prepare yourself to GTFO when you're 18 so you can get away from that toxic situation and start healing. I'm almost 27 and am STILL dealing with the fallout because I stayed financially dependent too long. :(

[Wapsie B]

56. Take it from a guy who's taken shit from his old man for ages

just distance yourself from her. It's saved my sanity. There's no reasoning with people like that. You do NOT have to put up with treatment like that, especially from a parent. She needs help but I doubt someone like that will ever get it.

[Doc_Technical]

57. There is some great advice here, AspieGrrl.

My father deserted us and my mother was a cold, bitter
woman who never had a kind word for anyone.
She would always play the "martyr card" to anyone who
would listen.
My mistake was that I felt sorry for her and didn't
fight back.
I'm so glad that you can see your situation clearly
and are seeking other's opinions about your problems.

Good Luck to you.

[MilesColtrane]

58. Hi AG.

In many ways I'm still screwed up from the way my mom treated me.
I would recommend therapy at some point.

Until then, be very aware and monitor your own thoughts. When some self denigrating thought pops into your head, start to question it and where it came from.

It helps me these days to know that when that inner voice says something like "you're a disgusting loser" it's not MY voice, it's my mom's.

[halobeam]

59. I'm a mom and I've said somethings I never thought I'd say to my own child.

I'm a mom of a seventeen year old boy and I've got to say, there have been times I'm not proud of what I've said to my own kid!! He's the kind of kid who speaks up to me though, and that's what made me stand back and realize, I'm the parent here, and I certainly wasn't acting like it at that moment. I could've and should've handled some situations with him, much better. Granted my child was literally bullying me, it called for even a cooler head to prevail at that time, which I failed in doing so... until I "got it". Two wrongs don't make a right. Old saying has never been more true. Try that one in a calm tone when you speak to her, hopefully something in her will "click".

We are all human, and we all screw up, but I think what I'm trying to say to you is STAND up for yourself, no matter what it takes. When your parent is so blatantly wrong, it's imperative that you do this for your own self respect as well as to try your best to stop this in it's tracks!!
Hopefully your parent will understand the effect their words have on you, and then and only then will there be a change. Grown ups need to grow up too. The day we think we have nothing left to learn, is the day we are in serious trouble.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I know you don't want to be punished for speaking out, but these are the battles worth fighting for. I'd hate to see this drag on any longer for you. Face it head on now, with a clear and calm mind, and if she doesn't "get it", then you will move on knowing that you tried to reach her. Let her live with her mistakes, you can go on living a healthy life. After all, it IS yours, so take good care yourself!

I like the new age acronym: BYOBF.. be your own best friend.